This is the book that made  Melody Beattie famous and truly brought the idea of codependency into modern consciousness. The book was groundbreaking then, and still is today. It's considered by many the best instruction guide for getting out of the codependent mindset. The whole of the book is interesting, easy to ready, and well laid-out. It's both engaging and fascinating, and never condescending in a way that self-help books tend to be.

I enjoyed reading this book, and like most of the author's books, it did made me think. I liked the tone that she took throughout, the humor and no-holds-barred approach. While I think she may rely a bit too heavily upon the 12 Steps Program, I understand that it was really in its infancy at the time and did indeed help her so it is valuable to include.

All in all, a worthy resource and a book that well-deserves its place in codependency studies.

I was introduced to the concept of codependency by my therapist -- which she described as letting others' feelings dictate our own -- and ever since, it has felt like a door has unlocked. This book is pretty old for a self help book, but I still found so much of it to be relatable and worthwhile. For so long I couldn't understand why certain people's moods consumed my thoughts, why I felt like I needed permission to do things though I'm certainly an adult, why I struggled to just relax and have fun -- it was all codependency, and just to know that has been validating and healing for me.

Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation.

There's also an app based on another book by the author, The Language of Letting Go, that offers daily thoughts to meditate on (my therapist recommended that for me, too). I've really loved that because, unlike a book, which I read and then put aside, the app brings up one small idea for me every day.

If any of this resonates with you, I'd definitely recommend any book by this author or "the Language of Letting Go" app.

Have you ever felt like someone else's words or behaviors shaped your whole day? Have you ever done something for someone else, when he was capable of doing it for himself? Are you currently in a relationship with someone who is dependent on a substance and/or is abusive verbally or physically? If so, you may be in a codependent relationship and this book may be helpful to you. It was written by a lay person and is almost devoid of jargon. This is a very practical guide to understanding and changing your codependent relationships, aka taking back your life and embracing who you are. Definitely recommend it!

This book was recommended to me a few years ago as a classic in the genre for dealing with codependent behaviours. At the time, I read the first couple of chapters and tossed it aside. What I read didn't seem to click with my experience and I felt put off by the writing. Recently, it was given as a tentative recommendation again ("you may want to look into it to see if it will be useful for you") and I thought, with a distance of a few years, why not try it again? But my opinion hasn't changed much.

While I found the listing of codependent behaviours very useful and applicable, I couldn't find anything else in the book particularly useful to me. It feels incredibly dated and, while I do not doubt the author's enthusiasm and compassion, it was grating at many points. Another reviewer mentioned that the constant reference to alcoholism and twelve-step programs was irritating and problematic, and I very much agree. Codependent individuals who have no connection to alcohol or substance abuse, sick family members, or otherwise, are completely elided in the text and it seems as if you can only be codependent if you have some connection to one of these things. I don't. The very heavy, God-led, twelve-step program lauded by the author is also problematic because it is a very narrow view of spirituality and pushes that one world-view/belief system on the readers. The author also seems to have a very poor view of therapy, and I didn't appreciate the cavalier way she dismisses it, implying it's not as helpful as twelve-step plans.

My biggest problem with the book, overall, is the fact that it just plain isn't helpful. The discussion in each chapter can be reduced to something like this: "This is a behaviour you do, which causes a lot of pain to you and others. Just don't do that behaviour." Maybe some people would be able to just "stop" doing codependent behaviours - and kudos to them if they can! But it seems like the author believes everyone can just "stop it", and it's "just that easy". Stop doing the thing, and you'll feel better! Many times while reading, I found myself getting frustrated with this back and forth; there really wasn't any real help given to "stop doing the thing", save for just not doing it, or participating in a twelve-step program. In fact, start in a program and you'll just stop doing it! It was very frustrating and problematic.

I really felt like what was presented in the book didn't have any bearing on the problems I have. Maybe that is symptomatic of how old this book actually is, how dated. As it is, I found it more frustrating than helpful, and would suggest going to other books on this topic for help ( Meowbie's review has some recommendations).

Having been raised by a codependent parent who catered to my other narcissistic parent, this book has been validating to read. I now have a better understanding of codependent behavior, and this book has not only verified what I believed, it has also allowed me to check myself for codependent behaviors. Even if you do not identify as codependent (and now I know I do not), you may find, as I did, that learning more about codependence helps put family relationships into perspective. Although I'm not a big fan of the writing style, this is a worthwhile read.

The book contains many quotes from the Twelve Step model and makes many references to God and a Higher Power. The Twelve Step references seemed appropriate at first but I didn't expect to see chapter(s) dedicated to the program. While the parts about the Twelve Step Program offer a good preview for those considering meetings for codependents, it started feeling like a sales pitch. I could have done without so many theistic references, and even though the author states that these references are spiritual but not religious, they felt religious.

I also felt that the book became repetitive towards the end, like one big motivational speech. That didn't speak to me, but this book was written for codependent folks who might need that sort of "You're okay!" cheerleading. Despite my gripes here, I do recommend the read for folks whose life circumstances fooled them into believing that they're not good enough. Bought the Kindle edition for $8.57 and found a few typos. (Come on, editors!)

I've always had a hunch that I am codependent. This book not only gently guided me through qualifications, but provided suggestions and remedies for relinquishing the codependency. I loved The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie as well, so I trusted that this would be a worthwhile read. I thoroughly enjoyed this and would recommend to anyone that may believe he or she is codependent, or anyone who may be curious about codependency.

just a warning to anyone wanting to read this it is an excellent excellent excellent book but it can be a bit outdated and randomly fatphobic at times but otherwise it is greattt

Wow, I felt like I wanted to start this book all over again the moment I finished. I listened to the audiobook and really enjoyed that format. I would like to skim the physical copy because there were so many practices and applications the author had after each concept/chapter. I did a few of them and felt they were powerful and insightful. I appreciate a book that feels like therapeutic work. I didn't know much about codependence before reading this book, and I was able to gain so much insight about my relationship with myself. I felt validated in many ways as I learned more about what codependence is and why our behaviors may be codependent. I feel empowered to take this information and move forward with more knowledge of how I can further heal and improve myself. I loved the author's straightforward and kind approach. Highly recommend and will be reading it again.

Every single person should read this book -- whether you identify as being codependent or not. I read this slowly, over a few months, digesting each new piece and practicing applying everything in my day-to-day life. It opened my eyes to so much and has helped me grow immensely. I highly, highly recommend.

I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!"

The truth was I didn't UNDERSTAND the meaning of the word codependent, or the behaviors of someone with codependency, and certainly not the birth of these behaviors. This book helped me to truly explore that, and I can only say that I am happier on the other side of this book -- and a hell of a lot less anxious LOL.

A great read for anyone who feels like they always put others first but no one does the same for them, or that they have given so much they have lost themselves, or who is trying to be or already on the other side of an abusive relationship and has no idea how to restart. Honestly, just a great read for anyone, period. Definitely a top read of the year for me.

TL;DR: BŪKIM LABIAU ATSIPALAIDAVĘ

Poppsichologija, su daugeliu poppsichologijai būdingų nuodėmių, bet ir su privalumais, tai visai vertas laiko skaitinys. Nors teoriškai skirtas kopriklausomybės problemai (kondicija, būdinga priklausomybę turinčiųjų artimiesiems ir ypač su jais bendraujančiais on a daily basis), bet pati Beattie rašydama išplečia savo auditoriją ir sako, kad tam, jog būtum kopriklausomas, tavo artimasis nebūtinai turi sirgt alkoholizmu ar narkomanija - ji ar jis gali būti nervingas, pernelyg kontroliuojantis arba kaip visiškai apleidęs ir nesirūpinantis tėvas / mama. Žodžiu, prisitaikyti, ypač LT, savo situacijai gali daug kas - gal čia išvis yra šių laikų psichologijos mada / ženklas, tas "mano emocijos vaikystėje buvo neglectinamos, mano asmenybė buvo nepastebėta".

Beattie labai smulkinasi ir pateikia daugybę apibūdinimų, bet iš esmės kopriklausomieji jai yra tie, kurie nelinkę rūpintis savimi, linkę rūpintis tik kitų žmonių problemomis, jaučia nesveiką (nu tokią superhuman) atsakomybę už VISKĄ, yra linkę kontroliuoti viską aplinkui ir taip pat visa tai dramatizuoti, jaustis aukomis. Ir tada jie ir jos dalyvauja tame, ką Berne'as pavadintų alkoholiko žaidimu: vienas svaiginasi, kitas jį "gydo" ir įgalina.

Norint iš viso to išsikrapštyti, jos pagrindinis patarimas yra maždaug toks, kaip patariama gelbstint skęstantį žmogų: jei jus abu bloškia į kokią uolą ar atramą, plaukiantysis turi prisidengti skęstančiuoju, t. y. jei tu pats, kaip gelbėtojas, kelsi pavojų savo gyvybei, tai neišsigelbėsit nė vienas. Per visą knygą ji dalina patarimus, kaip atsiriboti nuo kitų žmonių problemų, kaip rūpintis savimi, kaip išlįsti iš nuolatinės kaltės ir savigraužos, kurios būna nemotyvuotos, nulemtos to per didelio (per didelio = kai jau tu dėl to kankiniesi, o ne džiaugiesi) susitelkimo į kitus.

PATIKO:
1. Kad iš esmės tai terapinė knyga, ji nespaudžia tavęs atpažinti savo problemą ir save kaip blogą ar pamatyti, kad tai, ką tu laikei normaliu elgesiu, nėra normalu. Priešingai, ji siekia tiesiog paglostyti tave ir patikinti - tu viską darai gerai, nieko tokio, visiems nutinka, svarbu per daug nesikankinti. Taip pat - nelaikyti savęs auka, nejausti per daug kaltės, kitaip tariant - nesusireikšminti. Tas yra labai gražu ir reikalinga.

2. Kad čia pat knyga kalba apie tai, kas nėra rūpestis savimi ir kaltės atsikratymas - piktybinis kito neišgirdimas ar elgesys, kai žinai, kad kenki kitam, nėra "savo poreikių tenkinimas", abejingumas ir pasyvi agresija nėra "rūpestis savimi" ar "savo ribų brėžimas".

3. Karpmano dramos trikampis. Kaip gelbėtojo, persekiotojo ir aukos vaidmenys susiję viens su kitu ir nuolat keičiasi, tu gelbsti kitą, tada pradedi jaustis auka, tada imi persekioti tą žmogų, tada jis tampa auka, tada tu jį gelbsti... Berne'as irgi apie tai rašė, bet jau buvau pamiršusi. Sveika prisimint iš naujo ir bent trumpam vėl įsikalti į galvą, kaip reikia stengtis nebūti toxic.


NEPATIKO:
1. Tikėjausi labiau analitinės, o ne self-helpo knygos, būtų buvę įdomu labiau sužinoti apie įvairius psichologinius mechanizmus. Dabar, be Karpmano dramos trikampio ar Kubler-Ross gedulo stadijų, analitikos mažai, istorijų mažai, tik žmonių citatos apie tai, kaip jiems blogai gyvent su priklausomais žmonėmis. No shit.

2. Vertimas. Nėra jis labai blogas, visur eina suprast apie ką kalbama, bet vietomis smarkiai nesušukuotas / nedaredaguotas. Visaip nutinka su tom knygom, bet kai skaitai antrą leidimą ir nežinia kelintą tiražą, nervuoja. Pvz:

Kartais gyvenant su alkoholiku, lyg ir neturinčiu didelių problemų, pavyzdžiui, negeriančiu, nedalyvaujančiu jokioje sveikimo programoje, mūsų "aš" gali būti daug sunkiau nei tada, kai problemos būna baisesnės. (p. 262)

3. Dievas ir self-helpas. Ar religinis kontekstas tikrai yra must psichologinėse knygose? Man labai patinka pavyzdžiai, kaip Jėzus padeda kitiems, bet tik tada, kai žmonės jo paprašo, ir padaro tai, ko jie prašo, o ne apipila neprašyta pagalba ir reikalauja dėkoti jam 24/7. Bet Beattie dievą įtraukia kaip būtiną pagalbos sau žingsnį, nuolat kalba apie atsidavimą Aukštesniajai Jėgai, nors ir pabrėžia, kad tą dievą galima bet kaip suprasti. Ok, aš galiu čia įrašyti likimą ir būti patenkinta. Bet ar galiu? O jei nenoriu? Gal nenoriu kasdien galvoti, kaip mano gyvenimą tvarko mistinė Aukštesnioji Jėga ar likimas? Veikiausiai tai rodo, kad esu control-freakas ir tikrai tinku prie kopriklausomų. Bet apie tai ir būtų įdomu paskaityti - kaip mokytis tą kontrolę paleisti, kaip mokytis nesinervuoti vien nuo minties, kad kažkokios aukštesnės jėgos tave valdo. (Freudas nesiskaito, pas jį jėgos žemesnės.) Bet Beattie visas tas jėgas pateikia kaip savaime suprantamą dalyką, nors jis toks anaiptol nėra. Pvz:

Mes tikime, kad Kažkas, galingesnis už mus, viską žino, yra viską nulėmęs ir Jam tai rūpi. Mes suprantame, kad Jis turi kur kas daugiau galių problemoms spręsti nei mes. Tad stengiamės nesipainioti Jo kelyje ir leisti Jam veikti. Ilgainiui suprantame, kad viskas yra gerai, nes keisčiausi [...] dalykai išsisprendžia kuo puikiausiai ir visiems viskas išeina į naudą. (p. 84)

Įsivaizduokite, kaip perduodate į Dievo rankas žmogų ar problemą, dėl kurios esate susirūpinę. Įsivaizduokite Jo rankas, švelniai ir su meile laikančias tą žmogų ar noriai priimančias tą problemą. Šią akimirką viskas yra gerai. (p. 88)

Ar savaime suprantama? Ne. Ar čia jogos pamoka, kur vizualizuojiesi ir nuo to nušviesėji? Nu irgi ne...

Žodžiu, iš knygos nieko labai naujo neišmoksi, bet žengti žingsnį atgal ir nereaguot impulsyviai, atpažinti savo gliukus visai galima pasimokyt. Psichologija neypatinga, bet geras self-helpas.

Originally published in 1986 and revised in 2022, Codependent No More (CNM) is an international best seller, selling over 7 million copies. Author Melody Beattie writes from personal experience as a former alcoholic and codependent person, as well as professional experience counselling both chemically and codependent people. CNM is recommended to anyone affected by a love one’s addiction or other condition (eg, mental illness) which has caused codependent behaviour.

I learnt of Codependent No More when I saw it highly spoken of by Reddit’s Naranon community. I had recognised codependent behaviour within myself and took the plunge following being cheated on and separating from the chemically dependent person I had been romantically involved with. Although confronting at first, feeling “called out”, I was also enthralled by this book and felt relieved that someone finally understood my obsession. I was thrilled that so much of the content in this book was completely new to me and related so much, as I have read regular break up self help books in the past, but they did not suffice. Melody introduced so many new and helpful concepts including caretaking, rescuing, detaching etc. CNM continued to impact me more than expected as I learnt of my codependent and people pleasing behaviours outside of my romantic relationships, existing in my every day platonic relationships too.

I have seen that a common criticism of CNM is Melody’s references to god/a higher power. I am an atheist, but as this was pretty minimal and I got so much out of the book, I was able to overlook these paragraphs and respect that it may help religious people.

CDN definitely does not deserve any less than 4 stars. Melody has both done the work and knows her stuff and it shows.

I never knew I needed this book. I really did.