Īstā grāmata īstajā laikā.

I thought I knew everything there was to know about co-dependency, but this book took it above and beyond my prior misconceptions. For anyone who has experienced emotional martyrdom and excessive guilt surrounding self-care issues, this is a necessary read! Beattie breaks down unnoticed learned behavior that's passed down through generations, behaviors that are often a result of living with an alcoholic parent or person with dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Although I wasn't directly affected by addictive issues in the family, growing up a triplet created some of the exact same self-sacrificing behavioral patterns that are talked about in this book. It's pretty amazing for anyone who has struggled to figure out why they often put others first but feel guilty taking care of themselves.

kay but WHY are we focusing so much on alcoholism? who hurt u, melody?

I love friends who gift books to their friends. Codependent No More was one such gift to me from a friend who read it based on their therapist's recommendation.

Part I "What's Codependency, and Who's Got It?" was the most interesting part for me, and while I can understand some reviewers are frustrated that what was shared may not be delivered in the most "scientific" manner, I ultimately enjoyed Melody Beattie's approach.

She is not trained as a scientist. Instead, she was a drug addict who got sober and then married a (secretly relapsed) alcoholic. She worked as a drugs counsellor at a treatment facility, working with families and partners who were affected by alcoholics. That's where she is coming from and I highly appreciated her lived and work experiences. The lists of codependent characteristics were contradictory, as codependents are. The lists seemed like she ruminated upon her work, drawing up common qualities based on actual people she had worked with and come across. Sharing and observing is field work.

Part II "The Basics of Self Care" didn't hold my attention as tightly and I began to drift. Nothing wrong with the advice or learnings, but it wasn't inspiring or gave me much food for thought.

Some other things that turn folks from the work is that she talks about the Twelve Step Program. I think she does it in a way that is respectful to the reader. She acknowledges that she's not trying to promote it but it is her opinion that it works. And guess what. It's her book that we're reading. Yes, she can be spiritual with it. Again, it is not pushy. She is sharing what helped her with chemical dependence and being codependent on someone who is. She is not hurting anyone.

I did also wonder when the term "codependent" became another word to describe toxic romantic relationships, not just for families or partners of someone who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or sex, shopping etc. It's not addressed in this book, as the focus is on codependent relationships with people who are addicted to a chemical or process.

Would probably be helpful if you were dealing with alcoholism. However as I am not it irritated me that pretty well all her examples related to alcoholics.

Taken from my blog at http://blog.geekuniverse.org/2008/02/...

In case it isn't already clear, I'm talking about two separate books here. One book is titled "Codependent No More" and the other is "Beyond Codependency." I picked them up at the library after hearing the term codependent used in The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I've been interested in learning about the concept in the past and never gotten around to it.

So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.

This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter.

The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."

One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take:

First, the codependent is essentially a victim of somebody else's addictive or destructive behavior. As such, they are to be pitied and helped.

Next, the codependent tries to figure out how to cope with a situation that is not their fault and they have no control over. The natural instinct is to try to gain some control over the situation. But instead of doing it the healthy way--controlling themself by setting boundaries and knowing how to enforce them--they try to control the other person by "helping" them in various ways.

Lastly, when the problem gets worse and worse, the codependent becomes angry, bitter and dejected as a result of their failed attempts to gain some level of control over a situation that was already impossibly difficult to deal with. It is at this point that a codependent becomes an ugly force to be reckoned with. As they bounce between the second and third phase, they may play a Jekyll & Hyde game appearing intensely angry and controlling at some moments and at other moments seem to be the kindest, most giving person possible. It is at this stage that the original victim can become abusive.

At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.

I spent a lot of time pondering the conflict between charity and codependency, and wondering if I could really bring this book in line with my religious views. I'll save that for a separate blog entry. I also pondered my own tendency toward codependency. Did I learn behaviors that have been passed down through the generations? Or do I have some trauma I am dealing with in my life? Whatever the answer, my New Year's Resolution is to stop worrying about other people and learn to love and accept myself. So far, it's feeling fabulous and I think it is helping me to be more charitable toward others, rather than less charitable.



Okay, enough of explanations. I thought the concepts covered in these books were eye-opening and instructive. I think it's a great paradigm to explore. However, I think a better book could be written. Codependent No More is essentially the Go To book about codependency. I found it well written, but somewhat rambling and repetitive. (Somewhat like this blog?) Just as I found myself intrigued by a concept, the author would go into some lengthy story that only partially made sense to me, as somebody who has never dealt with an alcoholic or chemically dependent person. I actually enjoyed Beyond Codependency more because it dealt more with solutions to the problem than lengthy descriptions. Once I "got it," I "got it" and was bored with further detail in the first book.

I found myself wishing for a book that was written for a wider audience and in more broad terms, with less focus on the alcoholism angle. As it turns out, I found the perfect book by accident. I saw a book at Deseret Book titled "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and was reminded of the codependency angle. So I bought it on a whim. It's exactly what I didn't realize I was looking for and it'll be up next in this four-part series of Self Help book reviews.

For more information about codependency:

According to Mental Health America (some random website I found online, which described it better than most) the symptoms of codependency are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

An extreme need for approval and recognition

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

A compelling need to control others

Lack of trust in self and/or others

Fear of being abandoned or alone

Difficulty identifying feelings

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

Problems with intimacy/boundaries

When the author said she didn't come at this from a scientific background I was willing to overlook that until she got to the traits of codependency. If you're going to write a long list with multiple categories and then proceed to contradict yourself (sometimes within the same category) it's going to lower your credibility for me substantially (ex: Under Misc: "Codependents are extremely responsible" and right beneath it "Codependents are extremely irresponsible". This is not the only example either, btw.)

Also the heavy emphasis on 12-steps and God was really off-putting to me. I think the title of this book should have reflected the fact it was primarily geared towards alcoholics and/or children of alcoholics. The fact that she mentions other groups doesn't matter much if 90% of the book is spent referring to codependents as people who have encountered some form of addiction. After the lists, I actually put this one down but I did skim ahead a bit to see if anything else was of interest to me (nope).

After reading other reviews on here talking about how she puts therapy down I know this book is definitely not for me. I will search elsewhere for literature on codependency.

I picked this up at someone’s recommendation. It does give a good education about the dangers and depths of codependency as well as provides action steps to apply. It pulls out the importance of individual choice and responsibility.

Personally, I prefer books with more Scriptural foundation. It is actually very ecumenical with a mix of Scripture, mysticism, and other religious statements.

I can see where elements of this book are helpful, even for conservative Christians because codependency (taking responsibility for someone else’s actions and feelings) is something many are unaware of and have an unhealthy practice of. However, I can’t exactly recommend it openly because of the adult content and no real Biblical foundation.

As an adult child of alcoholic parents I am giving you forced "advice" to read this book. Ha! Just a little codependent joke. I just started to read this...it's heavy and hard to stomach at times, but definitely going to help me. I try to spend a little time with it every couple of days with a journal. So far it's been an amazing read. While it seems like I have a lot of work to do--it's all for the best. I have young children, and don't want to pass this stuff on...so I'm diving in and hopefully a better version of "me" will come of it!

3.5 stars. I found that I got to learn more about myself and others in my life but that I was severely lacking in a codependent support group near where I live. But anywho a good starter to start working on that specific problem

This is an amazing self-help book for anyone in a codependent situation, whether it be alcohol, drugs, trauma, gambling, etc, or even emotionally abusive relationships. I read it through once but I have to do it again because I know I didn't take it all in, I was just so amazed to be reading a book seemingly written just for me. Now, obviously your average person wouldn't need it and wouldn't rate it a 5. But I will get lots from this, and I just know it will improve my life...

Важлива книга для усіх, чиї родини поїдає ізсередини алкоголь, наркотики та інші форми залежності. Для тих, хто не знає, що робити із власною співзалежністю і прагне побачити хоча би якісь дороговкази.