This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking…

I was talking to my father on the phone one day and I was explaining to him how I have no problem exercising and eating right when Otty is gone but I can’t seem to keep it up when he is home. My father then asked me if I wanted to know what that was called…he told me it was called co-dependence and that I should start learning about this by reading a book called Co-dependent No More. I pretty much ran out right away and purchased the book.

Now, I have never been a big advocate for self-improvement books, but I have to say that this book was very enlightening. Co-dependency has a different definition for everyone. This book made me delve into my own retched thoughts and confront them head on.

This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that…my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else’s.

I also learned that I need to detach myself from the people in my life that cause me harm…emotionally, physically, doesn’t matter…

Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright.

When I first read this book, I figure that I would not post my feelings about it because they were too personal. However, now having some distance from the book and being able to employ the lessons I have learned, I am able to share myself with others.

I am not perfect and it is absolutely acceptable for me to let other people know this. Maybe, by sharing these thoughts, someone else might be inspired to read this book and better themselves as well.

Found this really helpful. I bet it could help you, too. In fact, I will loan you my copy. Even if you don't want it. Or I could buy it for you, even though I can't afford it. Don't walk away! I'll give you $20 if you read it. I know it will help you. You need help. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Now.

relatable but not in a particularly impactful way, and not much beyond that. even though i consider myself religious i dont like when christianity it portrayed as something that necessarily needs to be a part of healing, especially when it comes to addiction. repetitive also, probably could have been significantly shorter. some sentiments that were uplifting, nice to hear. probably would've been more impactful if i read this a year ago, or a few years ago. just at more relevant point sin my life. babeys first self help book though....

It’s important to remember as our country deals with a lot of opioid and prescription drug abuse, enabled by some doctors and pharmaceutical companies as we are now finding out in lawsuits, that dependency effects the whole family, not just those addicted. All their loved ones, and the coping strategies they used to survive, are something we as a country have to be aware of and work through.

I’m in the US and I think this is another reason why we should be looking into some universal health care that includes mental health care, because as this book demonstrates, families can become codependent as their loved ones are dependent on chemical substances, and programs like Al-anon and Nar-anon are available, but counseling might be needed for many families too to break out of these cycles, which can be repeated as children grow up and employ those same unhealthy coping mechanisms in their later adult relationships, and with their future children.

I feel conflicted in giving this a rating as the good stuff is at 4-5, but the stuff that bothered me - which was unfortunately a lot - was around 1-2 . I'm going to give it a 3 at this point, as I do think there are some really good insights that I felt were beneficial. But there are also a lot of holes and incredible overemphasis on alcoholism and 12 Step program dogma, which I happen to feel strongly contain elements that are damaging and limiting in their approach and perspective. I cannot ethically support that view. It was also very presumptuously Christian. I feel annoyed and disrespected in light of these perspectives being so heavily 'pushed' - from the cover I had no idea that this was so primary to the entire contents of the book.

I have been aware of the term 'Codependent' for a long time, but it only recently popped up on my personal radar as something to look into and understand better. Within days of my starting to take an interest in the topic this book was referenced in another I was then reading (Traumata, by Meera Atkinson). A few weeks later I was looking at audiobooks in the local library and spotted this title, so immediately chose it.

I think the baseline message was articulated very well, in terms of what the core dynamics of codependency are - essentially, caring too much about, and being too influenced by, what other people think, want, etc. There was some really useful discussion about this, as well as plenty of individuals' stories which aided, to some degree, in describing some real-life scenarios that 'codependents' find themselves living and reliving.

I say 'to some degree' as all of the stories had alcoholism set as the main issue that codependency relates to. All the codependents in the book were involved with alcoholics. Some had been alcoholics themselves. Over-eating and obesity was mentioned a lot, too, and other substance abuse issues were also given light mention. I found it incredibly frustrating to have to continue to listen to the bombardment of 12 Steps views. I just found that lens to be far too myopic to do the actual topic of 'codependency' due justice. I contemplated not finishing the book, but stuck with it for the genuinely good good bits. I have personal lived experience of 12 Steps as well as really good recovery experience through approaching healing in other ways much more beneficial to me. I've read about other approaches to substance abuse recovery that deal more with what underlies it rather than making it the focus. My thoughts and feelings on 12 Steps are informed by a good mix of direct experience and relevant research. I could say A LOT more on this topic, but this is not the time or place for it. My point is just that I am not critical of 12 Steps on the basis of something flimsy, so by extension, I consider my concerns about this book to be valid and substantial.

I want to be very clear, though - I am NOT telling other people to abandon or avoid 12 Steps work if that is what they choose to engage for themselves. Nor am I discounting the experiences of those who feel they benefit from it - recovery and benefit are valuable however they come to any individual. My concern is the presumptuous presentation style of this book's contents, which seems to imply that healing codependence issues (or alcoholism, etc) is dependent on adherence to the 12 Steps - as if codependency is inextricably linked with 12 Steps view of illness and addiction, which is potentially damaging nonsense, in my view.

Also extremely irksome was the very commonly American style of presumptuous Christian proselytising (that said, I do think this American habit/ tendency is declining over recent years as respect for the differing views of others has grown, so perhaps, in this case, it is also a mark of an earlier era as the book was written in the '80s). I have been more involved with Buddhist practice and philosophy in my life, though I only really got into that when I found a Teacher who was as equally interested and engaged as I was with recognising what all Faith systems share. I was already in love with Hildegard von Bingen, and rather fond of St Claire and St Francis (I spent some time visiting a rural nunnery built alongside a monastery dedicated to these two). I have long loved mystical and contemplative Christian work. I have loved reading Matthew Fox and Thomas Merton, among others. Some of my role models are priests and nuns whose Christianity informs their social care work. I have my own relationship with God. And my God is NOT the God Melody Beattie frequently describes. And the issue here is not that I care about Melody Beattie's God specifically, but that a relationship with God - including not having such a relationship - is deeply personal and that I feel her manner of speaking about HER God is incredibly presumptuous (I've used that word a lot in this review, haven't I) and therefore disrespectful and inappropriate.

I do not agree that any healing is dependent on having a belief in any God, Higher Power or set steps. In my humble, imperfect, but conscientiously observed opinion, it is dependent on a deeply honest, deeply caring uncovering of both our personal layers of trauma and our inherent intelligence and wisdom. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone tries to tell you you need God, 12 Steps and Higher Power to heal, then I suggest running the other way because they are likely attempting some form of evangelical conversion - a form of violence completely antithetical to healing.

Beattie, at one point, claims she is not promoting the 12 Steps approach and defends her promotion (coz I say she n  isn promoting it) by saying something like -'it is just my opinion'. These sorts of comments ring dishonest and avoidant to me. I think I would have more acceptance of this position if it was made explicitly clear on the cover of the book that it is coming from a 12 Step angle. Perhaps the subheading could include something like '... As informed by the 12 Steps.", as well as making it clear just how much alcoholism and substance use underpins the framing of codependency through the entire book. Be clear and upfront about the nature of the content so people are honestly informed about what they are getting into. I also think Beattie's manner of talking about her God and Christian beliefs ought to be openly qualified and articulated as HERS - it's ok for her to hold those beliefs, but own them honestly in a way that acknowledges that MANY others DO NOT share them. It is possible to communicate both of these at the same time - many people manage it easily and respectfully.

I did read a 1 star review by a woman dealing with codependency issues arising out of a traumatic, abusive childhood who said the book was very inadequate in speaking to her type of experience. I largely felt the same way. This was the first book on codependency I've read, and while there really were some genuine gems of insight peppered throughout I really hope there are other good books on the topic available which take in a much more broad, unbiased, rigorous approach to its examination.

not me finding out i have low self-worth. no truly, fantastic book. this is the kind of book you just need to go over multiple times in order to work on each issue or flag you’ve noticed about yourself. so great.

This book was difficult for me to read as it was very confronting & made me realise just how hard it is to put myself first & how it's even harder still to be directly honest about what standards & boundaries I feel that I need especially when traumas are involved. I like how Melody makes a point to say go slow, take as long as you need to heal & to heal in your own time, not when others tell you to. I don't completely fit the codependent category so most of it didn't make much sense to me but it was an insightful read just the same & Although some parts made me angry for a few reasons that I don't completely understand just yet, I would still recommend this book for anyone looking to heal old wounds or even if you'd just like to understand some of the behaviours & psychology of others around you.

This book was recommended to me by my father when things between my alcoholic husband and I were at their worst. At first, I blew off the suggestion because I said, "I'm not dependent on anyone." But after my husband and I separated, I eventually decided to check it out. I was very surprised that the whole book describes me/my husband/our relationship almost exactly and that "codependent" doesn't mean what I thought it did. That aside, I found the book very boring and it took me forever to finish because I couldn't even make it through 10 pages before falling asleep (and I usually never fall asleep when reading.) I also didn't find it very helpful but maybe that is because I had already left the relationship. Maybe if I had read this in the midst of what was going on, I would have found it helpful in saving the marriage. I do recommend it to anyone dealing with an addict (of any kind), I just didn't personally find it enjoyable to read.

I'd say 2.5 is more accurate as the latter third improved greatly, but put simply - this book focuses mostly on co-dependency as it relates to alcoholism and though the author tries to expand on this to include other contexts, it was too AA-heavy for me.

It's also repetitive in parts. Some of her advice amounts to "oh, this behaviour you do that is destructive? Have you tried just... *not* doing it?" which isn't particularly ground-breaking.

Manage your expectations accordingly.

Not me highlighting this book to oblivion.

This book felt like a light at the end of a tunnel, a way to describe and dissect the inner mind of a codependent, someone who struggles day to day as a result of a traumatic experience and dynamic.

It’s hard to rate a book like this without getting deeply personal but I found it really helpful and easy to understand

Iš knygos pasiėmiau tikrai daug. Ir tikrai nesijaučiu, kad be reikalo tiek laiko gaišau skaitydama ją. Buvo verta!!!

Tačiau trikdė keletas dalykų: trūksta galbūt kažkokio psichologinio-mokslinio svorio, pagrindimo, nes knyga susiskaitė labiau kaip nuomonė “man padėjo, tau irgi padės” ir per dažnai buvo minimas dievas naratyve. Man šitai buvo toks wtf - nori atsibusti iš kopriklausomybės, bet ir pasiduodi dievo valiai. Tai jei dievas kažkam sako, kad “nešk savo kryžių”, toks žmogus tikrai nenušvis ir nebandys nieko keisti.