A good read for anyone who has ever had a less-than-healthy relationship with a parent, child, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, spouse, etc. (basically most people) The core of codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with the self, and how we turn that outwards onto others. This book is a good first step to discovering the the dynamics, and making changes to healing.

“Hurt people hurt people”
“HOW: honesty, openness and a willingness to try.”
“I am enough”
Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie and narrated by Melody Beattie. So excited this was an audiobook with new things! I’m giving this 4.5painful ⭐️ because we’ll just because. The narrating by the author was ok. I feel like me and Melody are old friends. She been with me since I was 20 something and I’m now 50 something.
I’ve been surrounded by addiction my whole life, me included and I’ve picked this book so many times. When I started this audiobook I was triggered by her upbringing. It was like she was telling my story and I took a break. I’ve finished it and stop many times writing things down. If you want to understand codependency or take another hard look at your actions then I highly recommend reading this. The whole experience is a scary freedom I had to embrace. I hope you listen to this and get what you need from it.
Thanks Macmillan UK via NetGalley.

Loved. Calling all empaths, people
Pleasers, feelers, guilt ridden, anxious, worriers, lovers, care takers…

Up until around 6 months ago, I was completely unaware of how codependent I am, and also why. I know this didn’t develop in a years time, but the pandemic & quarantine definitely enhanced this character defect of mine. During that time, I feel like I took 10 steps back in recovery from past trauma I had worked so hard to overcome. Through months of therapy & many helpful books, I feel ok. I’m still doing the work. This book helped me a lot. I used to have extreme codependency in all relationships romantic and platonic. I guess I still do, since I’m not finished yet. Through the help of my lovely therapist, Al-Anon meetings, a few good friends, and books like this, I am on my way to a life I desire. I will always be an addict. I will always be a child of alcoholism. I cannot erase any of my past abuse or trauma. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.”
Please read this book if you struggle with detachment, being a reactionary, or codependency in general. There are many helpful tips to overcome and insights on behaviors of codependent people. The activities at the end of the chapter really help, don’t skip them!! The only way out is through.

This can make for an interesting read if you don't get too hung up on the terminology.

Codependent? Enmeshed? People-pleaser? The bottom-line is most people can probably benefit from this book, and you (thankfully) don't have to be an addict or the spouse of an addict to find meaning in it.

Melody Beattie's enthusiasm for life jumps out at you from the pages, and that made for some quick and easy reading. I did weed out the passages I felt really didn't apply - like the 12-step program or the overly religious parts. I still think we all have some traits described in this book and if you take a step back anyone can find some tidbits in there to munch on.

Было очень больно. Я начинала читать скорее из любопытства, про что же это всё и была абсолютно уверенна, что мне не актуально.
Читала по чуть-чуть, делая перерыв в недели. Она не столько тяжело написана, сколько слишком больно узнавать: себя, близких, далёких и снова себя.
Мы говорили про книгу на терапии, мы говорили про неё с друзьями. В каких-то вопросах она помогла мне продвинуться сильно вперёд, в каких-то показала, какой путь я прошла сама. Она написана из сочувствия и понимания и от того, наверное, не перестаёт быть читаемой и актуальной десятилетия спустя.

If only I had read this book 10 years ago... I might not be in the mess I'm in now.

This is a good book for those in crisis mode. When you're beaten down and feeling trapped and you don't know what the hell is wrong with you, you need this book, which tells you over and over and over and over again: You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person...

I stumbled upon this book a little late. I had already had my crisis, realized I needed to change my life and started taking steps in the right direction. Therefore, about half of the book I didn't need. I could see myself 5 or 10 years ago in a few chapters, 1 or 2 years ago in others. It made me a little angry that I had to go through some of the things I went through via trial and error, without the aid of this little self-help book. I could see how helpful it would have been if I had had it then. If you already know what co-dependency is, this isn't the book for you. This is a book for those who are struggling and have no idea what the hell is wrong with them. We all know these people. They don't know yet that they need help, but they do.

Help them. Give this book to someone you love.

There are some good suggestions for learning to prioritize self-care and set boundaries. She mentioned the definition of co-dependency as being broad (could be loving someone with depression or simply having grown up in a codependent household rather than being in a current relationship with an alcoholic or drug abuser) at the beginning but then primarily provided narrow examples surrounding AA and the latter with a lot of mention of god, which I did not connect with.

Quite the enlightening book...
Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.


Favorite Quotes:

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

But, the heart of the definition and arecovery lies not in the 'other person'---no matter howmuch we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive 'helping', caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the biazrre, other-centeredness that results in abondonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through athe five-stage grief process. p 36

The word 'react' is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you coose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. they underreact. but rarely do they 'act'. p 38

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's rsponsibilities and tend to our own instead. ...
We try to live happily---focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. Detachment involves "present moment living"--living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. ...
We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about waht is happening. We undersatnd that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let HIm do it.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. p 62,63

A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do. p 65

When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80

For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. when you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free. p 82

Codependents are oppressed, depressed, and repressed. Many of us can quickly tell what someone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they've felt that way, and what that person is probably going to do beccause of that feeling. Many of us spend our lives fussing about other people's feelings. We try to fix people's feelings. We try to control other people's feelings. We don't want to furt people, we don't want to upset them, and we don't want to offend them. We feel so responsible for other people's feelings. Yet we don't know what we are feeling. If we do, we don't know what to do to fix ourselves. many of us have abandoned or never taken responsibility for our emotional selves. p 142

This book really spoke to me and helped me acknowledge things I hadn’t really recognized to be a pattern before. I’m excited for a journey deep into myself to unwind the codependent in me. I ordered a paperback of this so I can actually read it too

Read this to support a friend in addiction recovery and am so glad I did. Really opened my eyes to some ways I need to change. While this is heavily focused on alcoholism and 12-step programs I think its ideas have universal value and it's an interesting insight into how addiction can affect families (besides the obvious). Highly recommended.

Update: giving this 4 stars now because I think about this book and its ideas so much. I find myself recommending it more than I expected, too.

I decided to read this book because so many of my clients are reading or have read it. I figured it would be a good idea to know what they're reading, especially since these clients regard it so highly but seem to be making little progress. Now I know why. What a load of crap. If the author of this book is to be believed, everyone is codependent. Furthermore, she perpetuates victimhood: it's not my fault I'm codependent. It's a natural, understandable reaction to my childhood, adulthood, blah blah blah. There are so many better self-help books out there. This is one of the last ones I would recommend!