Had a spiritual awakening, recommend.

I could see how this book could help some. For me personally, it wasn’t revolutionary. It did contain some good information, but it was about twice as long as it should’ve been. I recently read Boundaries, and there was a lot of overlap (though Boundaries is more general, while Codependent is addiction specific). If you’re struggling with a loved one’s addiction, I’d read this. If you’re looking for personal growth and boundary implementation across all relationships, skip this book and read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend instead.

A friend recommended Codependent No More to me during a very dark time in my life: I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out who I was if I was no longer a wife and tied to someone else. It seems to be more catered to those in relationships with alcoholics and addicts and leans heavily on the Twelve Step Program, but some of the advice stuck with me:

“We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom.”

“If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances.”

“Maybe someone taught us these lies, and we believed them: don’t be selfish, always be kind and help people, never hurt other people’s feelings because we ‘make them feel,’ never say no, and don’t mention personal wants and needs because it’s not polite.”

“Learning to love without getting so emotionally entangled with the object of our affection; and learning to love others without forfeiting love for ourselves.”

Recommended as a "classic" on codependency. Unfortunately, it was too much of a "self-help" book for my tastes. While I am not averse to them in theory, I usually find them steeped in pop-psychology and inspirational pseudo-philosophy--which this book is. Beattie's recommendations also rely heavily on the twelve-steps program (which has proven to be the most effective treatment for alcoholism, none of our medical or advanced therapies have yet to surpass twelve-step's efficacy-according to some study quoted on some radio story, how's that for a reference?). I can certainly see this book being helpful to those struggling with codependency-so long as the appeals to a "higher power" strike an agreeable chord. But what if they don't, are you doomed to suffer? This just doesn't cut if for me. Also, I found the writing trite and dull, not an easy book to finish (ok, I practiced speed reading the last half).

This was an interesting recommendation from a counselor in my office. It is geared more to spouses of alcohol and drug dependant people, however I have discovered a lot of good informaiton. It is a way to help see how we give too much to the toxic people in our life and some people are just bad people. I do have mixed feelings about it because only certain parts pertained to me, but I gave it a high rating because it is well written on an average person level with real and even funny stories. It is a book that is an oldie but a good one for what I believe would be a lot of people! It is informative in the fact that a lot of women especially are trying to help others and always put others feelings before their own when that is the wrong thing to do. Let others make their own mistakes. If they want to drink and ruin their lives dont let them bring you down. If they want to walk away from their family let them. You and your family will be better off without them there. Some people are just plain destructive and we can all hope they regret it in the future, but don't ruin our present because of them. I understand now that even if you can see the good inside that person, if they chose to be a bad person and do the wrong things that is who they really are. They are their own decisions until they want to change and make peace, but that might not ever happen. Moral of this story learn who are toxic in your life and learn how to stay away from them. You cannot help someone be a better husband, father, or friend when they do not want to. Smile and be happy with yourself and your good friends and family!

Years ago, I did research online about codependency and was surprised to find it is not a fixed high-level diagnosis, but rather a sliding scale where just about everyone exhibits at least a mild form of it at some point. So just about everyone can benefit from this book if they read it with a toning-down grain of salt. Accountability for your own life is something we can all do a little better, whether we are blaming ALL our problems on an alcoholic, or only one or two problems on an annoying friend/relative/spouse.

Apparently codependency is a pattern of behavior people can fall into when a person in their life has a serious problem which causes them to act in a way that strongly affects the original person. People can become very reactionary, angry, and generally feel very out-of-control.

The book says a lot of stuff but it starts out by pointing out that no matter how much people care, only certain actions are helpful. Many actions are not helpful. It advises cultivating detachment so that you can recognize what you can do, maybe do that, and then just focus on your own life. It notes that pretty much no problem ever is helped by neglecting your own life and issues.

This book heavily draws from the 12 Steps, so there are a lot of references to religion.

Religious mumbo jumbo

Auch wenn Co-Abhängigkeit ein umstrittener Begriff ist, gibt Beattie (Bad Ass Frau!!) in ihrem Selbsthilfebuch sehr hilfreiche Impulse für dependente Verhaltensweisen. Sehr gewinnbringend, wenn man nicht besonders tief im Thema unterwegs ist und nicht versteht, warum manche Menschen sich nicht ablösen können und in destruktiven Beziehungen bleiben (sei es Substanzkonsum oder sonstige Verhaltensauffälligkeiten des Partners). Wenn man nicht aufhören kann, sich Gedanken um diese Menschen zu machen und darunter leidet, „zusehen zu müssen“ - dann ist man bei diesem Buch an der richtigen Adresse.
Ich denke, dass man viel über sich lernen kann, wenn man sich Zeit für die Reflexionsübungen nimmt und auf einem recht stabilen Niveau ist. Beattie hat das Wissen für ihre Ratschläge auf praktischem, nicht auf akademischem Weg erlangt. Das Buch soll hilfreiche Heuristiken geben und im Alltag, IM LEBEN unterstützen, und das tut es meiner Meinung nach auch. Besser als nichts tun; nicht so gut wie professionelle Hilfe. Nach diesem Buch wird man den Begriff „toxisch“ nicht mehr leichtfertig benutzen und sich fragen, wie man gesunde Grenzen setzen kann, ohne egozentrisch zu sein.

I think it was appropriate I read this in pieces spread out over several weeks. Each time I went back to it I was in a slightly different place for taking it in and applying to my life. The list of characteristics is interesting and helpful for introducing others to the concept of codependency.
At first I struggled with the AA 12-step tone and recovery philosophical angle, which can be somewhat aggressive. I felt I’d been dropped into a very specific paradigm. It heavily assumes the reader believes in God, and at one point, is familiar with a specific bible story. I felt I sometimes had to do a lot of work reinterpreting those parts for my own spiritual beliefs. That being said, she does get more general at the end.

Overall, I think it’s very insightful and encompassing. I think it’s a great foundation to start from, as it was originally written over 30 yrs ago. The chapters break down concepts & advice in approachable ways, and are easy to jump in and out of. I did not do all the activities at the end of each chapter, which I’ll go back to. I also wish I’d taken notes, as she recommends. It’s the type of book I’ll want to revisit parts of again. I am also interested to see how more current books evolve from here and offer perspectives outside of the 12 step program.

This book said some very helpful things. It did help me identify some codependent and toxic behaviors in myself and others. It also helped me understand the source of some of these behaviors and that makes it easier to move forward.

That being said, there are real problems with this book that may stem from its age, but might not. It was overtly religious which could alienate a lot of the audience. At first it was minor, but then religion became an integral part of the strategies to feel better towards the end. Also, some of the descriptions of being codependent seemed logical. Others were just being a person. If you take every definition used in this book, everyone on Earth is codependent. I don't think this is actually the case. I also thought the author's thoughts on intimacy and what is right/wrong in terms of intimacy in relationships was far too simplistic. She stated she was not an expert in this area - that's where she should have left it. I could see some people reading that section and finding problems in their life that didn't exist before.

It's sort of hard to rate self-help books so I'm just going to rate this one on how helpful it was to me in particular. I would say it was 50% helpful. Simply reading its descriptions of codependency was really instructive. Lately, I've been hearing the word codependent used a lot, and most people are not using it correctly (for example, I've heard several people use it to describe couples who can't go out without each other, and that's not really what it means). Codependency has a very wide definition, but the best way that I understand it after reading this book is that codependent people let the negative behaviors of those around them affect their own feelings and behaviors in a negative way. As a result, codependents become controlling, moody and often adopt a martyr syndrome that never fixes anything. The book, which is geared towards family members of alcoholics, clarifies a lot of these unhealthy behaviors and gives tips on how to be self-aware and how to manage our emotions, which I find to be helpful, even if it's not groundbreaking scientific work or whatever.

Not helpful: the content was pretty repetitive after awhile, and there was too much talk about God for my taste, especially towards the end. She snuck it into the beginning in a way that many self-help books do ("It helps to find a spiritual power of some sort, whatever your beliefs"), but by the end, she was quoting Bible verses and throwing around tons of "Put your trust in God" verbiage that just made me feel like barf, no thanks.

Still, this book is a great introduction to codepedency. I would recommend it to anyone who has a family member or loved one who is alcoholic, compulsive or just generally hard to be around.