The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

هل تعتقدين أنكِ مخدوعة بزواجك من شخص كان من المفترض أن يكون هو المناسب، ولكن بعد الزواج اتضح أنه مختلف تماماً وما كان يجذبك به قد اختفى ؟ هل بذلتي كل ما بوسعك كأم ولكن النتيجة لم تكن مرضية بالنسبة لكِ وفي أعماق قلبك تشعرين أنكِ أم سيئة ؟ حسناً لدي الجواب لكِ عزيزتي أو ح��ى لك أيها الرجل إن كانت لديك هذه التساؤلات بما يخص زوجتك أو حتى أولادك وكنت مهتم بالوصول لحل مناسب ومرضي لجميع الأطراف.

أولاً لنعلم أن الحل ليس بأن يضع الفرد اللوم على نفسه أو حتى على الطرف الآخر إن كان هنالك خلل، وربما لا علاقة للطرفين بما يحصل إنما هي اللغة المستخدمة للتواصل والتي يناقشها هذا الكتاب وسأوضحها بكل بساطة وسهولة.

إن كنت تتحدث الصينية ولكن شريك حياتك لا يجيد هذه اللغة بل لغته الأم هي العربية هل ستتمكن من التواصل معه وايصال مشاعرك العاطفية اتجاهه ؟ بالتأكيد لا سيواجه كل الطرفين العديد من الصعوبات إلى أن يتقن كل شخص لغة الآخر ثم يحدث التواصل بسهولة ويسر.

بإختصار هذا ما يتطرق له الكتاب ، فقد ناقش هذه اللغات الخمس كل على حدى بإيجاز وتبسيط مع ذكر قصص واقعية عالجها للعديد من الأزواج بوظيفتة كإستشاري للعلاقات الزوجية، كما سيشرح السبب الرئيسي في تغير شريك الحياة بعد الزواج ويوضح مرحلة الوقوع في الحب والحب والإختلاف بينهما.


الكتاب جمييل جداً ومفيد خصوصاً للفئة التي ذكرتها مسبقاً بالإضافة للفضولين أمثالي، في هذا الكتاب ستتمكن من معرفة لغة الحب الخاصة بك وبشريك حياتك وحتى بأطفالك وسيختصر عليك طريق طويل، كما ستستمتع بقصص الأزواج وكيفية تحول إخفاقهم لنجاح وحب.

*ملاحظة غير مهمة : أثناء كتابتي للمراجعة تذكرت قناة تميمة للدعاية والإعلان (كنت من أشد متابعينها في طفولتي ولا أعلم إلى الآن سبب حبي للدعايات في تلك الفترة) فالإسلوب يتشابه من ناحية الترويج والتسويق، ولكن هناك اختلاف واحد ان سبب المدح هو اعجابي بالكتاب وليس اي مقابل مادي تم دفعه

It's an interesting look at how we communicate with those we love and how they communicate with us.

In the years since I originally read this book, my thoughts have often returned to it's content as I notice the preferences of others and I have found it helpful. So now in 2015, an updated review is glowing and I give it 4 stars instead of 3. However, below is my original review:

This is an entertaining, well-written book from the perspective of a therapist who shares interesting stories about his patients and their love problems and solutions.

This book has potential to help people better understand those they love and to show love to them in ways they can feel/understand (I'll suggest a much better book below that does this).

However, I worry that this book would do more harm than good since in it it says that a man's love language may be sex. How twisted is that??? And very dysfunctional! This could cause a wife to "do her duty" instead of viewing sex as a mutual consent action to unify the marriage and strengthen the couple.

Also, another HUGE problem with this book is that it implies that others are supposed to "fill your love bucket." Which is VERY dysfunctional as well. If you desperately NEED someone, that's not love. That's need! A healthy love is where two people are already secure with themselves by themselves (or with the help of God) and then they can give from their already full love buckets freely. It is not the responsibility for others to fill you up! You need to take charge of your own emotional health. Then you can share freely and not be a wiggly, needy scrounge for love.

I suggest reading a much better book that promotes healthy interactions with others. It teaches to give love freely from your full love bucket (and how to get a full love bucket without relying on the actions of others). Although it is not as well written grammatically as this 5 languages, it is the best! It is called: How I got this Way and What to do About it by Dr. Ellsworth. It has an amazing chart in it with a much better breakdown of love languages.

The children's book The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Silverstein addresses this issue about giving love from your fullness instead of taking love from others or trying to fill in their holes as the 5 love languages promotes.

Consigliato!
E' un libro che mi ha fatto pensare molto riguardo alle relazioni mie ma anche delle persone che mi circondano. Credo che ognuno di noi deve leggerlo!

My mom got this book for me for our wedding, and I won't lie...it sat around for quite some time before I could put down my paranormal romance books and see what it was all about. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. It gave me a lot of insight about the inner workings of a relationship and that love, a feeling, is also a choice! Luckily I am one, who has a full tank...so it took me some time to decode what my love language truly is, but I'm glad for it! AND my husband even said he'd read it! :) HIGHLY recommend to ANYONE in a relationship! I think I'll even be purchasing the 5 Love Languages of Children! :)

My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing else I've ever read or done.
The advice this author gives is so profound and universal, it can be applied successfully to any deep relationship you have (children, parents, close friends). I just can't recommend it highly enough. Every couple, whether newly together or old marrieds, could benefit from this book.

سلس، واقعي، عملي.
وأفكاره لا تطبق على العلاقة بين الأزواج فقط؛ بل على العلاقات الإنسانية بشكل عام

n  n

So, this is one of those rare books where it was five stars until literally the end and after that...I really just didn't feel comfortable giving this book a rating at all.

At its core, this book had a great message.

Across cultures and religions there's the underlying theme of finding love...but what about maintaining it? Nurturing it through the years?

That's where the 5 love languages comes into play.

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

The idea is that everyone has a love language, and what communicates love to one person might not necessarily be the same for the other.

And up until that point of the book I was loving the message and it resonated very deeply with me. This book was verbalizing something that I had noticed for years but just didn't have the words for it.

After all, who hasn't picked up on the fact that different people like different things?

To some people - tokens of affection (i.e. flowers, post-it notes with heartfelt messages and small surprises) are what shows that you care.

And to others - having someone take time out of their day to spend with you (ie doing chores together, playing a game, or going on a date) is what matters most.

Some people need to hear "I love you" or "You are beautiful" or "You are amazing" in order to know that the other person cares.

I also liked how the author explained that love is work, that it takes a conscious effort to manifest and that it makes all the difference.

And while there were a few moments that seemed a smidge sexist or had a misogynistic slant or got a bit heavy-handed with religion, I could take it with a grain of salt (remembering that the book was written in the 1990s and that those moments weren't the focus/core concept of the book).

It was really the last example in the book that rubbed me the wrong way.

Up until that point, the author would explain a concept, provide examples of it and an anecdote of how it works in real life. And yes those examples were sometimes a bit simplistic/rosy-colored but ultimately I feel like it worked well.

The last example of the book was supposed to be the "unsalvageable marriage" one that was the end-all-be-all test of the Love Language Theory.

And (spoilers ahead) Gary Chapman was able to save the marriage by letting the wife get...hmm...I don't know entirely if it would be categorized as rape but it was borderline enough to make me feel very, very uncomfortable reading it.

Now, I do think I should preface with this is just my interpretation of the woman's story and there very well might be further extenuating circumstances that I am yet unaware of that might sway me to Chapman's side n  BUT....n

Essentially the last woman in this book is being verbally and emotionally abused by the husband. We aren't given a TON of examples but it is heavily implied that this situation untenable - that the woman couldn't live like this anymore.

BUT she didn't want to get divorced because...reasons. Some religious but also part of her remembered her husband before he became so monstrous.

So Gary, after being assured that she is willing to do anything to save her marriage, discusses his "plan". Gary believes that her husband doesn't feel loved and that's why he lashes out.

The author and the woman go over the love languages. I don't remember what hers was but the husband's was physical.

Now physical love language can manifest itself in a few ways - could be that you just crave touch - hugs, hand-holding, resting head-on-shoulder during movies, or snuggling at night. Or it could be sex.

I'm sure you can imagine what the woman's husband wanted.

It boiled down to she felt horrible because of the way he treated her and didn't want to have sex with him which (according to the author) was the root of why the husband was so cruel.

So, the author devises an experiment.

The brilliant plan was for her to have sex with her husband - even though she didn't "feel" like she wanted to. And to stop her nagging him and essentially just pretend their marriage is going well.

I don't know if this is categorized as spousal rape because while it is clear that the woman doesn't want to have sex, she does go willingly to bed but that's only because Gary told her it is the only way to save her marriage and get her loving husband back. So. Maybe not rape but definitely made me feel awful for her.

But hey, it didn't matter anyway because her marriage is saved.

Now, I will admit that I am biased towards this example. I feel like there are just some marriages that aren't worth saving - and as soon as you cross the line towards sustained abuse, that's it.

And perhaps if the author had degrees in the field (Note: The author had MA in anthropology, masters in religious ed and PhD in adult ed but not in the field of question (clinical psychology/licensed therapist) (as far as I can tell)) or he had consulted with a professional...and if the only solution proposed was something other than "weekly sex with husband and stop complaining to him" I would feel differently but to me, this situation was serious enough to refer the woman to someone actually clinically trained to work with abuse victims opposed to armchair diagnosing the husband as sex-deprived.

Never does the author broach the subject of marriages that NEED to end in divorce. Never does he talk about what to do if you can't do it anymore. It felt like he was just pushing this love-as-the-only-answer narrative too far with that last example.

The ending just hit such a sour note for me - and I had loved this book so deeply before it.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.