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The Intimate Mystery: Creating Strength and Beauty in Your Marriage

dan b. allender tremper longman iii

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Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III have together written this brief, simple and charming introduction to help couples build healthy and happy marriages. Their model follows the "leave, weave and cleave" imagery of the Bible: leave your parents, weave a life together and cleave to each other. This book is part of a kit that includes everything needed to mentor individual married couples or to lead a group discussion. It will be especially helpful for newlyweds or young married couples who are just beginning their new life together.

107 pages, Hardcover

First published June 1,2005

This edition

Format
107 pages, Hardcover
Published
June 1, 2005 by IVP Books
ISBN
9780830821310
ASIN
0830821317
Language
English

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About the author

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dan b. allender

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Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

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Community Reviews

Rating(4.2 / 5.0, 12 votes)
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12 reviews All reviews
Profile Image for Kimberly .
Worizz16
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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The best book on marriage that I have ever read is truly remarkable. It offers profound insights and practical advice that can transform any relationship.

The author's writing style is engaging and easy to understand, making it accessible to readers of all backgrounds.

What sets this book apart is the fact that it not only provides theoretical knowledge but also offers real-life examples and case studies to illustrate the concepts.

However, if you have the opportunity to hear the teaching in person, it would be even better. The author's passionate and dynamic delivery brings the concepts to life and makes them even more impactful.

In conclusion, whether you read the book or attend the teaching in person, this is a must-read for anyone who wants to improve their marriage and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
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gosp07
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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Overall, it is a good book on relationships.

I really like the model of "Leave - Cleave and Weave." However, this is a subjective opinion.

I find the writing a little too flowery for my taste. In my view, the style of writing sometimes distracts from the content.

I have one criticism regarding the content. I think Allender is at times too absolute and fails to consider his wider audience.

I have the Kindle version, and here is an example at location 179. He writes, "Marriage is a crucial matrix where we experiment and refine how we will live ethically. If we cheat on our wife, we will cheat in every other arena of life. If we are faithful to our spouse, it doesn't mean we will live well elsewhere but it is at least a good bet that we will. Marriage is the beginning point of how we construct our character for the world. In the womb of this relationship, God intends for us to craft our character to be like his own."

When I read this, I couldn't help but wonder what I would think if I were single. If marriage is truly "the beginning point of how we construct our character," then my single friends have not even started to develop their character. I don't believe this accurately reflects reality. I assume that Allender is using hyperbole, but I'm not entirely sure.

Perhaps a more nuanced approach would have been better to avoid giving such an impression.
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WaRl0rd1507
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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This book would be an extremely useful resource to commence with during premarital counseling. However, its value is not limited to just that stage; it is equally valuable at other phases of marriage as well.

Allender makes a statement on page 20 which could potentially be seen as rather blatant heresy. He writes, "They [each person of the trinity] are distinct in being, coequal and different in function." But earlier on the same page, he had also written, "The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are coequal in their being..." Clearly, it cannot be both. However, I suspect that in the former quote, he might have intended 'being' to refer to their 'person' (hypostasis). Longman is generally regarded as a quite solid theologian, so I am rather surprised that this oversight was not caught.

Nevertheless, despite this minor issue, the book is truly great. It includes six very helpful studies at the end, which would make it an extremely practical guide for a small group or couple study. Additionally, there are other resources included with the book that can be downloaded online, although I have not yet had the opportunity to look at those. Overall, it is a book that I would highly recommend for anyone looking to gain a deeper understanding of marriage and the role of the trinity within it.
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shawnofthedeadz
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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The best marriage book I've read to date is truly a remarkable piece of literature. It offers profound insights and practical advice on how to build and maintain a healthy and fulfilling marriage. The author's writing style is engaging and easy to understand, making it accessible to readers of all backgrounds.


One of the things I love about this book is that it doesn't just focus on the romantic aspects of marriage, but also delves into the more practical areas such as communication, finances, and conflict resolution. The author provides real-life examples and case studies to illustrate his points, which makes it easier for readers to apply the concepts to their own relationships.


Another great feature of this book is that it offers a holistic approach to marriage. It emphasizes the importance of not only loving and respecting your partner, but also taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. By doing so, you can bring your best self to the relationship and create a stronger, more lasting bond with your spouse.


In conclusion, I highly recommend this marriage book to anyone who is looking to improve their relationship or is simply interested in learning more about the art of marriage. It is a must-read for anyone who wants to build a happy and healthy marriage that will stand the test of time.

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spirachuu
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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The content is very good and helpful. However, it could have been even better if all the supplemental booklets could have been included or modified to be in one volume. This way, everything would be in one location for the edification of the reader.

Unfortunately, in the end, this book suffered due to marketing and capitalism. It seems that other factors took precedence over the convenience and comprehensiveness for the readers.

Perhaps if there had been more focus on the needs of the readers rather than just on making a profit, the book could have achieved greater success.

Nonetheless, the good and helpful aspects of the content should not be overlooked. It still has value and can provide useful information to those who are interested.

It is a shame that marketing and capitalism had such a negative impact on what could have been an excellent resource.
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particle_eater
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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The two authors, Allender and Longman III, form a dynamic duo. Allender crafts an engaging narrative, while Longman III ensures the content is shaped by sound theology.

The pacing of the book is truly fantastic. It allows for quick absorption and thoughtful reflection/application, especially with reference to the reader's own marriage life. The content and illustrations are highly relatable for married couples, as every one of them is bound to encounter marriage issues/problems.

No excess ink is wasted; the brevity of the material makes it accessible to novice readers. However, upon reading the opening chapter, I was concerned that the book seemed to deviate from the authors' popular-level pitching to the layman, as the vocabulary used was more suitable for intermediate to advanced readers. Fortunately, the usually easy-to-follow content soon returned in the subsequent chapters.

It's a pity that the title doesn't hint at how useful the opening chapters would be for a pre-marriage couple (although the closing chapters on sex are more appropriate after the wedding). I wish we had read this book to gain some insights on how to handle the intense stress, anger, and quarrels that come with managing the demands of in-laws from both sides of the family, who all insisted on this and that for the wedding. Sadly, this book sat on my bookshelf until a year and a half after the nightmarish battles. If I could turn back time, I would definitely have tried to read this title with my wife-to-be to provide us with a theological and practical approach to the challenges ahead.

This is an excellent book, and I wholeheartedly recommend it! I purchased several copies to give as wedding gifts to my newly-wedded friends whose weddings I will attend shortly. Perhaps this personal endorsement will make up for my desire not to spoil any of the content in this review.
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notsp1derman
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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I am currently using this book/curriculum with core/small groups at the church where I work.

It has been a wonderful experience so far. The book/curriculum is very engaging and relevant to the needs and interests of the group members.

We have been able to have in-depth discussions and explore various topics related to our faith and spiritual growth.

The core/small group setting allows for more personalized interaction and learning. Each member has the opportunity to share their thoughts, experiences, and questions, and we can support and encourage one another.

I have seen a lot of growth and transformation in the lives of the group members as a result of using this book/curriculum.

I would highly recommend it to other churches or small groups looking for a meaningful and effective resource for their spiritual formation.
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Axxisygg
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
July 14,2025
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The "Cleaving" section was truly a wealth of new learnings for me. It opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on various aspects. I couldn't help but think how beneficial it would be if there was education that presented sex in such a positive and healthy light starting from youth.

Young people are at a stage where they are curious and exploring, and having accurate and positive information about sex is crucial. It could help them make informed decisions, respect themselves and others, and build healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, in many educational systems, sex education is either lacking or presented in a negative or one-sided way. This can lead to misunderstandings, confusion, and even harmful behaviors.

We need to change this and ensure that our youth have access to comprehensive and positive sex education that equips them with the knowledge and skills they need to navigate this important aspect of life.

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