To start, let me say I generally loathe self-help books. I don't like reading them, and most generally end up throwing the book out, or keeping it as a source of laughter material.

I would not have read this book if I didn't have to for a book club, and when I first picked it up and started reading I was like "Oh come on.. really?"

But as I got further into the book, and really started to grasp exactly what she was trying to say, and trying to get people to implement in their lives.. The simplicity of her steps, which breed deep insight in our own perceptions, and preconcieved notions.. that we may not necessarily be consciously aware of.. I found this book immensely helpful.

This book is NOT for those who cannot self-analyze at all, or do not have the ability to challenge their way of thinking in insightful ways. For those, that do have the above abilities, and consider themselves extremely in touch with themselves.. this book may seem stupid and too simplistic on a cursory reading. The beauty of her method is that it can be as deep and insightful as you make it, or as simplistically stupid as you see it. The choice really is yours.

Sometimes the hardest thing, is challenging and questioning ourselves because we already know our secrets and what buttons to push. Lies are easy. Truth is hard.

I read this because I saw a quote, which I liked, in an online discussion. The quote was actually from another book by the same author -- maybe I should try that other book instead.

In this one, the four questions (and a "turnaround") are like a simple, pared-down form of cognitive therapy. I tried them on a few problems, and they were helpful. Also helpful was Katie's notion that there are three types of business -- yours, mine, and God's -- and much of our stress comes from "mentally living out of our own business."

But so much of the rest of the book put me off. For example, this: "There's no such thing as verbal abuse. There's only someone telling me a truth that I don't want to hear." But I believe that verbal abusers are abusive in part because what they say is NOT the truth -- it's untruthfully negative.

The book also had many absolute all-or-nothing statements (e.g., everything is projection) and too much woo-woo type spirituality for my taste. Also, I don't know if I believe the backstory of how the author had a sudden revelation that instantly flipped a switch in her brain from the blackest depression to the most intoxicating joy.

Eckhart Tolle ("The Power of Now") claimed a similar backstory. I don't know if I believe him either. Even if both of their stories are true, and they really did have these instantaneous revelations that completely transformed their lives, are the revelations necessarily healthy and sound? Is it really wise for me to use insights from people who, by their own descriptions, were mentally ill at the time of their revelations -- as guideposts to living more sanely?

Disclosure: I didn't read the whole book. I read the beginning and then portions of the rest. Normally, I wouldn't write about a book I hadn't read completely, but in my defense, the way I read it was actually endorsed in a "How to Read This Book" chapter in the book itself.

(The quote I liked: ""No one will ever understand you. Realizing this is freedom. No one will ever understand you -- not once, not ever. Even at our most understanding, we can only understand our story of who you are. There 's no understanding here except your own." It's from "A Thousand Names for Joy," according to the person in the online discussion where I saw it.

Despite it being an absolute statement -- "no one will EVER understand you" -- and therefore imprecise and a distortion of truth, something about it spoke to me. I realized I spend a lot of energy trying to be understood and getting frustrated and upset when I'm not -- and that none of that may be necessary. I will try the other book, the one the quote is in, to see if I like it better than "Loving What Is." If not, the quote itself is still worth pondering, even if turns out that's all I will be able to take from Katie's books.)

This book was recommended to me by a friend who said there was no need to read the book from cover to cover. She said that I could pick and choose my areas based on what I am facing on the days I pick up the book. I couldn't do it and I'm glad I didn't. In order for me to fully grasp Byron Katie's philosphy I needed to read the entire book before being able to fully understand her steps. Her dialogues were probably the most helpful in learining how to question myself.

I found this book to be very easy reading and a page turner, but I also found myself needing a break from it to process what I was reading and taking time to do some of 'The Work' for myself. After doing some of 'The Work' I'm amazed at things I have learned about myself just by Judging My Neighbor - an exercise that Katie promotes. I can't imagine what I'll learn once I begin to investigate some of my self-judgements.

I also found this book to be even more helpful and I found it easier to read after visiting Katie's website www.thework.com The website allowed me to see Katie and 'The Work' in action. It helped me to put a voice to Katie while reading the book. I love her personality and wouldn't mind going to one of her conferences.

Hmm.. I really don't know how to feel about this book. There definetly is something to take out of it (digging into your past, finding what causes you the pain and how negative thinking affects you). But her methods of "loving what is" seemed bit cold. I hope others can find more truth in this book than I did.

Despite some vile language in the transcripts used to illustrate the author's system and a slightly condescending tone found there, I found this book a wonderful little tool for dissecting embedded beliefs that do nothing but create grief. The author's basic premise is that most unhappiness and stress comes when we argue with reality. By answering four questions and turning what's bothering you into turnaround statements, you can identify what's really true about situation, discovering new options and liberating yourself from thoughts that become dungeons for the mind and heart. Although it certainly isn't written from a religious point of view, I found a lot of Biblical truths buried in those turnaround statements (e.g. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and BEING the change you want to see in the world.) Great fodder for working on the dark side of human nature with one cautionary note: I'm not sure the author's approach works for anyone in an abusive situation, where victims are already prone to take more than their share of responsibility.

This is a book about accepting reality, investigating our frustrating and stressful thoughts, and turning them on their head, when needed, to get back to reality and hopefully more happiness and less frustration. Here are some quotes I liked:

"I sometimes call reality 'God,' because it rules (p. ix)."

"'Suffering is optional.'... Whenever we experience a stressful feeling--anything from mild discomfort to intense sorrow, rage, or despair--we can be certain that there is a specific thought causing our reaction, whether or not we are conscious of it (p. xv)."

"'I'm just someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn't' (p. xvii)."

"'The left cerebral hemisphere of humans is prone to fabricating verbal narratives that do not necessarily accord with the truth' (p. xviii)."

"Their mind notices each stressful thought and undoes it before it can cause any suffering (p. xix)."

"'Your husband drives you crazy--is it true?... Can you absolutely know that that's true?... How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?' (p. xxi)"

"'Can you see a reason to drop this thought?... Who or what would you be without that thought?... It's not his breathing that is causing your problem. It's your thoughts about his breathing, because you haven't investigated them to see that they oppose reality in the moment' (p. xxiii)."

"'I want me to get in shape. I want me to get a life outside of him and the children. I want me to be more powerful' (p. xxv)."

"'You trade your integrity for harmony in the home. It doesn't work. Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation--from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, just for fun' (p. xxvii)."

"'He drives you nuts--is that true?'... 'No. So far it's been my thinking that drives me nuts' (p. xxix)."

"The work is merely four questions; it's not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It's nothing without your answers (p. xxxi)."

"Begin with the problems that irritate or depress you... Write them down in a form that is easy to investigate... Apply [the four questions] to your problems (p. xxxiii)."

"'We are entering the dimension where we have control: the inside (p. 1)."

"When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want (p. 3)."

"The reason I made friends with the wind--with reality--is that I discovered that I didn't have a choice (p. 4)."

"I am a lover of what is... because it hurts when I argue with reality (p. 5)."

"Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business... If you understand the three kinds of business enough to stay in your own business, it can free your life in a way you can't even imagine. Then next time you're feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you're in mentally, and you my burst out laughing! (p. 5)"

"A thought is harmless unless you believe it (p. 6)."

"I have never experienced a stressful feeling that wasn't caused by attaching to an untrue thought (p. 8)."

"'Sweetheart, take a look at what you're thinking right now. You're living in a story that isn't true for you' (p. 8)."

"Inquiry is a way to end confusion and to experience internal peace (p. 9)."

"You're either attaching to your thoughts or inquiring (p. 11)."

"Identify the thoughts that are causing your stress and... write them down (p. 12)."

"See who you are by seeing who you think other people are (p. 13)."

"Write down your thoughts without trying to censor them... Write down the thoughts and stories that are running through you, the ones that really cause you pain--the anger, the resentment, the sadness (p. 15)."

"1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?...
2. In this situation, how do you want him/her to change? What do you want him/her to do?...
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer him/her?...
4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need him/her to think, say, feel, or do?...
5. What do you think of him/her in this situation?...
6. What is it about this situation that you don't ever want to experience again? (p. 17)"

"Be sure to identity what most upsets you... Be sure that your advice is specific (p. 18)."

"The Four Questions and the Turnarounds
1. Is it true?...
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?...
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who or what would you be without the thought?...
Turn the thought around. Then find examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation (p. 19)."

"The original statement, 'Paul doesn't listen to me,' when turned around, becomes 'I don't listen to myself.' Is that turnaround as true or truer?... Another turnaround is 'I don't listen to Paul.'... 'Paul does listen to me' (p. 21)."

"The turnarounds are your prescription for health, peace, and happiness (p. 22)."

"Sometimes you may find yourself upset without knowing why. There is always an internal story, but occasionally it can be hard to find (p. 24)."

"Everyone is a mirror image of your own thinking coming back at you (p. 29)."

"I'll help someone find the story that is the real cause of the suffering and that may be hidden from his or her awareness (p. 31)."

"The Work enables you to go inside and experience the peace that already exists within you (p. 32)."

"If I had a prayer, it would be this: 'God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen' (p. 33)."

"Watch how powerful inquiry can be if someone sincerely wants to know the truth, even though she is in great pain and thinks she has been terribly wronged (p. 36)."

"'So... we cause our own problems?' (p. 42)"

"'It doesn't feel good at all.'... 'That feeling is a gift. It lets you know that you've moved from your integrity' (p. 43)."

"'His happiness is his responsibility... And yours is your responsibility' (p. 46)."

"'Anytime you feel violent, you're in the past or the future; you're not in reality' (p. 52)."

"'Without your story, she's free' (p. 55)."

"'Trying to control another person's life... it's not so simple' (p. 58)."

"'People with amazing fathers can be just as unhappy as you were. And even if they couldn't be that unhappy, suffering is suffering' (p. 66)."

"'You're shifting his identity. Evry time that happens, your own identity shifts, because you realize that you've lived with a different father. With a real person, not the father in your mind' (p. 71)."

"'The fear was worse than the actual event' (p. 79)."

"'Who would you be in that situation without the thought that they're never coming back for you?' (p. 82)"

"'People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you're on?' (p. 97)"

"'Reality doesn't wait for your opinion, vote, or permission' (p. 99)."

"'Whose business is it who you love?' (p. 101)"

"'It takes courage to question the thoughts that you believe' (p. 124)."

"'The things we don't like--those are our teachers' (p. 131)."

"'You have to give him his freedom? It's not yours to give. He has his freedom' (p. 135)."

"'Don't take your mind into a world that you weren't invited to' (p. 138)."

"Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it (p. 142)."

"The truth is whatever is in front of you, whatever is really happening. Whether you like it or not, it's raining now (p. 144)."

"I can find out three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's (and for me, reality is God) (p. 145)."

"'Can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?' (p. 152)"

"How would your life be different in the same situation without the thought? (p. 153)"

"The power of the turnaround lies in the discovery that everything you think you see on the outside is really a projection of your own mind. Everything is a mirror image of your own thinking (p. 156)."

"His lies are his business. You are doing this for your own freedom. Humility is the true resting place (p. 158)."

"The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness (p. 162)."

"No one can hurt me; that's my job (p. 163)."

"Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: we stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we've found success, we'll still be sitting somewhere until we stand, and we'll stand until we lie down or sit again (p. 164)."

"The executive realized that he had never investigated the thoughts that had led him to be 'loyal' to an assistant who in reality had been just as uncomfortable with the situation as he was (p. 165)."

"Happiness is a clear mind (p. 166)."

"'The reality, as you see it, is that he's not competent. You're saying he should be. That theory is not working for you, because it opposes reality. I hear you say that it causes you frustration and anxiety... Reality doesn't wait for our agreement or approval. It is what it is. You can count on it' (p. 168)."

"'You weren't competent enough to see that he's not supposed to be competent' (p. 171)."

"We can't be pushed ahead of our own understanding (p. 172)."

"'We're so used to holding on to the lie about what's really happening that we don't know how to live freely' (p. 178)."

"'Life is so simple when we move back into our own business' (p. 183)."

"'Uncles have never been the problem, and they never will be. It's your uninvestigated thinking about your uncle that's the problem' (p. 189)."

"When I argue with reality, I lose (p. 202)."

"'I don't know' is my favorite position' (p. 217)."

"'I need to love myself as I am, warts and all. I haven't been loving myself that way. But I'm starting to' (p. 233)."

"'You are the effect of your story' (p. 239)."

"'That's the purpose of stress. It's a friend. It's an alarm clock, built in to let you know that it's time to do The Work. You've simply lost the awareness that you're free' (p. 249)."

"If you aren't completely comfortable in the world, do The Work. That's what every uncomfortable feeling is for; that's what pain is for (p. 251)."

"If you are unaware of any 'shoulds,' think about what would restore to the situation your sense of justice and order (p. 254)."

"'It's insane to mentally be in my children's business' (p. 264)."

"'My thinking about Linda's drug addiction is endangering my life' (p. 264)."

"Nothing terrible has ever happened except in our thinking (p. 272)."

"The Work is about 100 percent forgiveness (p. 272)."

"'I should be gentler to my father, more loving to him, more humane to him, more compassionate to him' (p. 289)."

"'In order to be happy, I need me to love myself, to acknowledge myself, to be a good father to myself, and especially to be here for myself' (p. 291)."

"'The Work is a practice. It's not a quick fix' (p. 293)."

"I love to use inquiry to walk people through the thing they fear most, the worst that could possibly happen (p. 294)."

"'No one is afraid of dying; they're just afraid of their story about dying. Look at what you think death is' (p. 298)."

"'Who would you be without your story?' (p. 313)"

"A teacher of fear can't bring peace on Earth (p. 319)."

"'I am so ignorant in my hatred and my need to feel powerful... I needed my contingency plan to feel powerful' (p. 325)."

"You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer (p. 331)."

"Don't worry about undoing all [your beliefs]. Just investigate the belief that's causing you stress now... Undo that one (p. 332)."

"Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of mind (I call it 'the heart') can answer (p. 334)."

"Suffering is caused by attachment to a deeply embedded belief (p. 335)."

"Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it's a way to undo thinking (p. 336)."

"From the moment we attach to a thought, it becomes our religion, and we keep attempting to prove that it's valid (p. 337)."

"See for yourself that forgiveness means discovering that what you thought happened, didn't (p. 339)."

"Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It's already over, and no thinking in the world can change it (p. 340)."

"Love is action, and... reality is always kind (p. 342)."

"Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering (p. 347)."

"There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment (p. 348)."

"There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment (p. 350)."

"I am the cause of my own suffering (p. 357)."

I didn’t like this book. Sorry Katie hun. The constant conversations between two people isn’t fun to read. Again and again. Had high hopes for this but I was let down.

If you want a life-changing book, then you need to read this one today. It is so powerful.

Years ago, after months of dealing with post-partum depression after giving birth to my first child, my GP suggested I talk to a therapist to help me through the depression. I ended up seeing a cognitive therapist for a few months, which blew my mind. I actually got the tools necessary to help me deal with my emotional reactions to situations going on around me.

Byron Katie, whose book is at heart cognitive therapy, was introduced into my life a few months ago when Sagar Simon, who counsels with The Work here in Amsterdam, gave a sample workshop at my women's networking group, Connecting Women. I won the free coaching session with him in the group's raffle, at the end of which, my mind was blown again. He suggested I read this book in order to continue my healing at my own pace.

The book's basic tenet is that all our suffering is caused by our attachment to the stories we create about our thoughts. Here's a good example because it's raining in Holland. It's raining. That's the reality. It's not causing me any stress or irritation. However, the moment I start thinking that it shouldn't be raining, I get irritated and sad. Now, the thought that it shouldn't be raining comes to me in thoughts like "I'm so tired of this weather; if it's not warm and sunny I get depressed; rain is such a pain because i get wet, etc"

This book has taught me that the rain isn't causing my irritation; my irritation is caused when I attach my belief that it shouldn't be raining. Who am I to determine whether or not it rains? It's not my business whether or not it's raining - that's Nature's business, not mine. How about I stay in my own business? How about I figure out what's really causing my irritation?

Here are the bits of brilliance that I refer to all the time:

1. There are only three types of business: mine, yours and the Universe's. Whose am I in?
2. Universe, spare me from seeking love, approval and appreciation.
3. Reality never lies.

Katie's "Work" isn't without controversy. It can be hard to swallow because, once you start doing The Work, you'll be confronted with the idea that you cause your own suffering. The beautiful part is that you can also deliver yourself from your suffering.

Not since Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now and a New Earth have I had such a significant shift in my life. Byron Katie's inquiry method is merely ingenious.

It was not surprising to read that it is thinking that causes suffering (discomfort, torment, insert word of your choice here), not a problem or person. It was her way of examining thinking that was new for me.

Thank you, Byron Katie, for sharing your own experience and being willing to put yourself out there to teach us. More importantly hello reality, so sweet to meet you.

This is certainly an intriguing book. I should note that I haven't sat down to formally try the technique yet, although I have slated it for after I've gone through my current Twelve Step workbook.

There is a lot of wisdom here that is both an echo of things I have learned elsewhere in my quest to find a life that doesn't hurt so damned badly and a hardening and sharpening of them:
- There's your business, other people's business, and God's business. When you live in other people's business, you experience [needless] pain.
- We do carry around any number of unexamined stories about ourselves and the people and world around us.
- Our attitudes toward our circumstances are extremely powerful, and they can create tremendous pain out of nothing, or make tremendous pain bearable and livable and even a source of joy.

On the other hand, the book crashes headlong into any number of philosophical issues, refusing (explicitly in one place) to acknowledge that it is doing so, and permits itself any number of unresolved contradictions. For a method that sets out to allow people to reach the truth about their situation, it charts a course straight through self-deception in important places.

For example: "Every time I argue with reality, I lose." An excellent point, often repeated, and quite at variance with the also often-repeated claim that there is no reality about other people or situations except my attitude about them. You can contort yourself into a solution to that which isn't an actual logical contradiction, but it's a poor candidate model for actual existence.

Another example: "Can you absolutely know that it's true?... The answer is always no." This question can be very valuable in a rhetorical sense. Once you punch a hole in one of your specific beliefs about someone or something you feel pain about, it does often deflate altogether. But so often this answer is taken and used in a logical fallacy that goes like, "Since I can't absolutely know that it's true, it must not be true at all." This is then often used to get to the actual healing position of "I don't need to worry about this" or "It's not something that actually hurts me." You can get there other ways that respect truth.

I think her ideas [there is controversy that they really are her ideas] can help in certain situations, but if you follow her logic to the end, everything is wonderful and perfect even the Holocaust. Do your research on this lady [some of her statements about Nazis and the Holocaust are very disturbing] and maybe take her advice for problems of privilege, not for actual trauma you have. She’s a rich white lady, of course she thinks the world is perfect just the way it is.

Hard for me to give a book 5 stars that isn’t a literary masterpiece, but I do think that this work is completely life-changing, and for that I give it five stars. Some of the imagery is very raw, but she has obviously had a lot of experience dealing with really difficult, complex issues that people need help moving past. Even though I haven’t sat down and done the work yet (written it out), I found myself doing it mentally as I listened to the book, and I already feel differently. More work to do, much more work to do, but I really want to do it. Thank you Byron Katie for sharing this with the world.