Interesting… took away a few strategies to live a life with less stress but somethings I just couldn’t agree with.

I truly find this book so problematic while trying to be helpful. Like I get the point. I’m not trying to be triggered. I read all the time. But there’s a difference between separation of the ego and thoughts and pretending that abuse (verbal / physical) and trauma can just be worked through by pretending none of it is “for sure to be true” and with some weird flip statement makes it better.

Example : I was verbally abuse.
Turn about : i verbally abuse.

No that does not work. There are universal truths of morality.

This is like a reality show and I generally don't like those. People come up to the mic and the author asks them a few simple questions and they break down and cry and have epiphanies. I'll give the book the benefit of the doubt that what's on the recordings is real, but even so I'm not sure how useful this is in general. The author's personal story is of figuring out her process when she hit bottom, and I can believe that. What's refreshing here is that the author doesn't pretend to be some "researcher" who's discovered a new solution for everyone; she just says this is what worked for her. Her husband Stephen Mitchell is the famous translator of the Tao and he provides some contextual commentary.

Some of the framing is confusing, like the way she defines "should." I agree that one has to accept present reality in order to deal with problems, but problems are not the way things "should" be by definition. At the end, she clarifies this with obvious examples like you can feed your hungry children, but along the way there seems to be a lot of unnecessary muddying of the waters.

It seems like Katie is deliberately confusing people to shock them out of their mental ruts. The process itself is a sort of hard-core cognitive behavior therapy of undoing bad thought loops. So it makes sense it could work. But I doubt there is anything magical, universal or essential about her specific four questions.
n  n

Clearly, from the reviews a lot of people 'get' Byron Katie. I'm not one of them. How she manages to turn a woman's feelings about her husband's infidelity into an exercise of reversing it into being a problem the woman has in framing her thinking. Her husband doesn't want to give up his mistress but because he is still living with his her, his wife she should see this as him loving her and her having the problem.

Sister, I really don't get it.

I feel funny about reviewing this book... The title and description give the impression that it's New Age woo woo stuff, and although I do read such things at times, I get embarrassed about talking about it. I have two radically different aspects to my personality. Let's just call one... Mulder, and the other... Scully. The Scully half tends to dominate, and beat down the Mulder half, at least as far as how I choose to present myself to others most of the time. So I feel like writing a review of this book is letting Mulder run wild. But in this case, I think it's the right thing to do, both because I've been pushing myself to communicate more openly and honestly, and because maybe this will be useful to someone.

This is potentially (I say "potentially" because it remains to be seen whether or not I'll truly internalize and habitualize what it says) one of the most impactful books I've ever read in my life. I know what it says isn't original. Other thinkers have been saying the same thing for thousands of years. Although the book is not about religion in any way, some of the concepts are straight out of the New Testament, and Buddhism, and Taoism. And Stoicism (yeah, I know that's not a religion; work with me.) Detach from your thoughts. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." But sometimes it just takes a particular person at a particular time in your life to say it in such a way that you're willing to listen. I've actually owned this book for years (I don't even remember how long), but a number of synchronous comments from several different sources motivated me to pick it up off the shelf a couple of weeks ago and actually read it.

The gist of the book is that nothing external to you hurts you. Only your own thoughts cause you pain. Your thoughts are a story that the left hemisphere of your brain (pretty sure I'm drawing on a different book right now; not sure this one goes into that level of detail on the functioning of brains) tells you to try to explain what you observe. But it also just makes shit up, based on your background, the people and stories and education you've been exposed to, and the expectations you've become used to projecting onto the world. "Suffering is caused by attachment to a deeply embedded belief. It's a state of blind attachment to something you think is true." The author, Byron Katie, teaches a simple method of analyzing the stories you tell yourself and realizing that they are, in fact, fairy tales. And if you release the fairy tales, the anger or sorrow or frustration or pain will go away. You'll just be left with clear-eyed observance and acceptance of the world exactly as it is, and stop pounding your head against reality. Reality does exactly what it's going to do, 100% of the time. The only way to find peace is to learn to not only accept that, but to embrace it.

To insert the obligatory pop culture reference: "Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth: there is no spoon. Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

The book includes loads of examples of using Katie's technique, which she calls "the Work", in all sorts of life situations. Some of them are things most of us can relate to (the death of a loved one; romantic rejection; annoyance with other people when they don't do what we wish they would). Some of them, I'm very grateful I've never had to deal with (growing up in a warzone; sexual molestation by a family member). In every case, Katie helps the person experiencing negative emotions to understand that they're causing their own pain right here and now. The only way to stop it is to change their thoughts. It's the ultimate form of taking personal responsibility: realizing that you are responsible for your own emotional state.

So... yeah. Powerful stuff. It keeps coming back to me, triggering incredibly intense memories and thoughts of people and experiences both recent and distant, and helping me see them in a whole new way. It's really quite trippy. I could go on, but I've already tortured the limits of "gist". Scully is arching her eyebrow. But Mulder's going to give it a shot, cuz, you know... the truth is out there.

Life altering, marriage saving, well, any relationship saving...including the one I have with myself and my God.

I was recommended this by my counsellor. I was very unsure about it because a lot of reviews suggested it includes a lot of victim blaming -- and this is, in a sense, true: Byron Katie's theory is essentially that we are always the ones causing ourselves pain. She does tell a woman to figure out what part her nine year old self had in her own rape, what she did 'wrong'.

That sounds very discomforting, but I think I see why she does it. When you've had some kind of trauma, there's often a question of what you could've done to prevent it. Maybe you let someone do something bad to you because you were frightened. You can believe almost totally that you couldn't have escaped the situation, but you still have that lingering shard of doubt -- and that could be a way in to learn to recover from it, starting with forgiving your own perceived complicity.

I don't think Byron Katie is 100% right. I found her attitude a little arrogant at times, and condescending. But the basic ideas can be useful and provide a way to logically see how you can better a problem by controlling your part in it. Likewise, it asks you to accept the past as it was, because that's the only way it can be -- you can't change it, only the way you relive it in your mind.

I would say, read this with caution, if you do read it. Aspects of it were useful for me, but I'm still uncomfortable about other aspects.

Useful.

Tóxico.

I like asking the questions to check yourself and making others check yourself, but there are aspects of this book that feel limiting and straight up oppressive. I think some of the tools are legitimately smart. Others are just so based in fiction I shook my head and thought, "shyster!"

Reco by Charisma on Command
My fav quotes (not a review):
"1. Is it true? 2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? 3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 4. Who would you be without the thought? and Turn it around, and "
"find three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true in your life."

-Page 16 |
"Okay. Be still. There’s no right or wrong answer. “You don’t love him”—is that true? [Mary is silent.] If you had to answer honestly either yes or no, right now, and you had to live forever with your answer—your truth or your lie—what would your answer be? “You don’t love him”—is that true?"
-Page 16 |
"Katie: Can you see a reason to drop this thought that you don’t love him? And I’m not asking you to drop the thought. Mary: Yes, I can see a reason to drop it. Katie: Can you think of one "
"stress-free reason to keep the thought?"
-Page 17 |
"Mary: I do love my husband. Katie: Feel it. It has nothing to do with him, does it? Mary: No. It really doesn’t. I do love my husband, and you’re right, it doesn’t have anything to do with him."
-Page 25 |
"If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark."
-Page 27 |
"A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering."
-Page 33 |
"a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens."
-Page 47 |
"When Paul did something that would have angered me before, and the thought “He should” appeared in my mind, all I felt was gratitude and laughter. The man might have been walking on the carpets with mud all over his shoes, or dropping his clothes everywhere, or shouting at me, waving his arms, his face red, and if “He should” appeared in my mind, I just laughed at myself, "
"because I knew what it led to; I knew it led to “I should.” “He should stop screaming”? I should stop screaming, mentally, about him, before I remind him to take off his muddy shoes."
-Page 60 |
"Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the thought? And please don’t try to drop it. My experience is that you can’t drop a thought, because you didn’t make it in the first place."
-Page 69 |
"Katie: You want him to be happy because that makes you happy. I say, skip the middleman and be happy now. He’ll follow. He has to, because he’s your projection."
-Page 76 |
"Sally [with eyes closed, after a long pause]: That’s just my mother telling her story, and that’s my son screaming his little heart out. They’re both just being who they are. Nothing depressing there."
-Page 88 |
"Katie: So, who would you be without this thought, without this lie, “They should hear me”? Justin: Whoa … It’s such a simple question, but there’s … Wow! I’d be happy. Peaceful. Katie: “They should hear me”—turn it around. Justin: I should hear me. Katie: There’s another one. Justin: They shouldn’t hear me. Katie: Yes. Not unless they do. And there’s still another one. Justin: I should hear them."
-Page 93 |
"And it means that _____ A powerful way of prompting yourself is to add “and it means that _____” to your original statement. Your suffering may be caused by a thought that interprets what happened, rather than the thought you wrote down. This additional phrase prompts you to reveal your interpretation of the fact. Let’s say you wrote, “I am angry at my father because he hit me.” Is it true? Yes: you are angry, and yes: he did hit you, many times, when you were a child. Try writing the statement with your added interpretation. “I am angry at my father because he hit me, and it means that _____.” Maybe you would finish this statement with “and it means that he doesn’t love me.”
-Page 95 |
"If your anger arises from the belief that reality should have been different, you might rewrite the statement “I am angry at my father because he hit me” as “My father shouldn’t have hit me.” This statement may be easier to investigate."
-Page 94 |
"Your statement might be, for example, “I’m heartbroken because my wife left me.” Now ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”"
-Page 101
"There are three ways to do the turnaround. A judgment can be turned around to yourself, to the other, and to the opposite. Let’s play with the statement “Paul should appreciate me.” First, turn it around to yourself: I should appreciate myself. (It’s my job, not his.) Next, turn it around to the other: I should appreciate Paul. Then turn it around to the opposite: Paul shouldn’t appreciate me. (That’s reality, sometimes. Paul shouldn’t appreciate me, unless he does.)"
-Page 160
"a statement like “My life doesn’t have a purpose” might be painful enough to warrant inquiry, but not this one. It turns out, though, that this apparently positive belief is just as painful as an apparently negative belief. And that the turnaround, in its apparently negative form, is a statement of great relief and freedom. I feel fear, because I don’t know what my purpose is, and I think I should know. I feel stress in my chest and head. I may snap at my husband and children, and this eventually takes me to the refrigerator and the television in my bedroom, often for hours or days. I feel as if I’m wasting my life. I think that what I actually do is unimportant and that I need to do something big."
-Page 183
"When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip!"
-Page 188
"If you aren’t completely comfortable in the world, do The Work. That’s what every uncomfortable feeling is for—that’s what pain is for, what money is for, what everything in the world is for: your self-realization."
-Page 189
"ORIGINAL STATEMENT: I’M ANGRY AT BUREAUCRATS FOR MAKING MY LIFE COMPLICATED. Turnaround: I’m angry at my thinking for making my life complicated."
-Page 198
"I have worked with hundreds of alcoholics, and I’ve always found that they were drunk with their thinking before they were drunk with their drinking."
-Page 209
"Everything happens for me, not to me."
-Page 227
"I look forward to the worst that can happen, only because it shows me what I haven’t yet met with understanding. I know the power of truth."
-Page 235
"Diane: So that makes me just as guilty as him? Katie: No, sweetheart: just as innocent. How could you have known another way? If you had known another way, wouldn’t you have gone for it?"
-Page 238
"Call her when you really know that your call is about your own freedom and has nothing to do with her. What I hear from you is that you love her and there’s nothing she or you can do to change that. Tell her because you love to hear yourself sing your song."
-Page 240
"Apologize for what you see as your small part in this, and apologize for your own sake. Again, her part could be like this [hands extended wide]. That’s not your business. Let’s get your part cleaned up. You sit with it, make your list, and call her, for your own freedom’s sake."
-Page 264
"Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answers may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry."
-Page 265
"But if your intention is to be right, rather than to know the truth, why bother continuing? Just realize that the story you’re sticking to is more valuable to you now than your freedom, and that that’s okay. Come back to inquiry later. You may not be suffering enough, or you may not really care, even though you think you do. Be gentle with yourself. Life will bring you everything you need."
-Page 265
"My grandson Racey fell down once when he was three years old. He scraped his knee, and there was some blood, and he began to cry. And as he looked up at me, I said, “Sweetheart, are you remembering when you fell down and hurt yourself?” And immediately, the crying stopped. That was it. He must have realized, for a moment, that pain is always in the past. The moment of pain is always gone."
-Page 269
"Peace doesn’t require two people"
-Page 269
"See for yourself that forgiveness means discovering that what you thought happened didn’t. Until you can see that there is nothing to forgive, you haven’t really forgiven."
-Page 271
"The story “I need two arms” is where the suffering begins, because it argues with reality. Without the story, I have everything I need. I’m complete with no right arm. My handwriting may be shaky at first, but it’s perfect just the way it is. It will do the job in the way I need to do it, not in the way I thought I needed to do it. Obviously, there needs to be a teacher in this world of how to be happy with one arm and shaky handwriting. Until I’m willing to lose my left arm, too, my Work’s not done."
-Page 273
"I don’t need stress to do what I know to do"

My first exposure to 'The Work' and Byron Katie was about 15 years ago. Back then, I probably would have given any of her books one, possible two stars. But the truth is I wasn't ready or even able to hear or understand the concept of projection (even with a Master's in psychology! go figure). A recent accidental rediscovery--by way of a 7 min video of her working with someone on Youtube--just blew my mind. Since that day, I cannot get enough of Byron Katie's insights. The Work is working for me. I don't even really 'do' the Work but I ask myself the questions quickly and that in turn has helped me to see that my thoughts are not necessarily reality, and that my feelings are caused by those thoughts. That alone--dare I say it--has changed some aspects of my life dramatically. And I'm no pop psych junkie. I studied and appreciate the science of behavior, brain chemistry and sociology. I've been to psychologists, psychiatrists and therapist (which I still recommend for each and every person). What The Work brought me that all the books on the former list did not is an actual method--a process not a theory!--that gets you to the truth faster than any relational talk therapy can. And I mean in a very small fraction of the time: minutes vs years. That is a lot of cost savings if you think about it. But...I understand if people don't 'get' it. I certainly didn't. In summary: You have nothing to lose. Definitely worth a try for the money saved on therapy alone if it resonates with you. If it makes no sense, or is difficult to grasp in book form, try watching a video of Byron Katie working with someone (tons of videos on youtube) or at least visit the concept again in 6-7 years.