This book is about assertive therapy. The book starts out great which deals with why we feel guilty about saying no, the issue rooted itself in childhood and the reasons why we become guilty. I understand the terms fogging, negative assertion, free information and negative inquiry. The book shows through many dialogues how to stick to your guns. While the author says we use this to deal with manipulative people, I find the techniques described in the book equally manipulative. Why can't NO just be enough? Certain conversations about sexual needs seem so completely off track, like one couple where the husband wants to visit a nudist colony just to learn something new. I'm not sure why he couldn't do some alternative activity his wife was comfortable with. It seems that the how to cope method seems to be a manipulation in itself, and that's where it tanked for me.

Ojalá ponerle once estrellas. Un libro de psicología que llevo usando y recomendando desde el año 2000. La terapia asertiva sistemática es una de las herramientas conductuales más potentes que existen y, por lo que sea, pasó de moda a pesar de su efectividad.

Clásico imprescindible.

05 diciembre 24: mejor 12 estrellas

Rekomenduojama kiekvienam, kas norėtų sužinoti kaip atlaikyti kitų žmonių manipuliacijas ir žinoma susipažinti su asertyvumu.

While this book is slightly outdated and has some odd examples, I took a lot from it that has already helped my confidence and conversations with others. It's a book that teaches you to be assertive without always having to be mean and allows you to compromise with others. A big part of being assertive is confidence, so it helps with that as well. It's a self help book with actual actionable steps.

I read this book because I think assertiveness and achieving your goals in the face of other's indifference and/or mild opposition is an important skill. Right off the bat, the first chapter of this book annoyed me, because I felt that there was a lot of speculation, especially about a) the causes of depression and b) the idea that childhood interaction patterns have an inordinately large effect on your adult life. Therefore, I practiced my assertive right to skip it -- and I recommend that you consider doing that too!

However, the next 100 pages or so of the book is pretty great. First he lays out what he calls his ten "assertive rights." As with any discussion about rights, these are most useful as a general framework for how to think about the problem of assertiveness than an actual workable plan. They got me pumped up -- especially the first one. Next he goes into the specifics of a few techniques for how to actually accomplish these lofty assertiveness goals. The most useful ones to me are "BROKEN RECORD," which is about repeating your goals until they are acknowledged and/or you get them, and "FOGGING," which is about agreeing with someone's points to prove that their criticisms of you are not effective. After these 100 pages, I used my assertive right of skimming to the end of the book. A mark of a caring author is someone who makes you feel that this is not a bad thing -- indeed, someone who might even encourage it -- and Dr. Smith is such an author.

Overall, he's clearly an expert in assertiveness, and was able to draw upon a substantial wealth of classroom experiences in each of the topics that he discussed. This made the book richer and more useful. I didn't read all of the dialogues because they were a bit repetitive, but the ones I did read were quite funny -- in particular the "FOGGING" one was hilarious and I wrote "lol" all over the margins. There is a great 100 pages between p. 24 and p. 119 (ch. 2-6) and I recommend checking it out.

So, you might be asking, why I am giving this book four stars, instead of five? I understand why you'd ask that question, but I'm not interested in answering it right now.

SR Flashcards

q: What is the main reason that passive aggressiveness is bad?

a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to

q: Do compromises need to be fair in order to be useful? why?

a: no; life isn't fair
> "If life were fair, you and I would be taking turns visiting the Caribbean and the French Riviera with the Rockefellers! Instead we're in this crummy classroom trying to learn how to be assertive!"

q: What are morals?

a: arbitrary rules people adopt to use in judging their own and other people's behavior"

q: What are legal systems?

q: arbitrary rules society has adopted to provide negative consequences for behavior that society wishes to suppress

q: If someone asks you why you're doing something, do you need to explain yourself?

a: no -- you do *not* need to justify your behavior to anyone else
> you can choose to, but you don't need to

q: Do you have the right to change your mind?

a: yes

q: In most circumstances, instead of saying "sorry", what should you do?

a: state the facts -- e.g., "you're right, I messed up by doing X instead of Y"
> no need to be dogmatic about this, but "sorry" isn't very informative and usually other words are more effective for getting your point across
> plus sometimes it is ♫ too late to say I'm sorry ♫

q: How should you respond to a leading question where someone is clearly trying to manipulate me?

a: "I don't know"
> e.g., "What do you think would happen if everyone did that?" or "What do you think you should have done instead?"

q: What is a good response if a friend asks you to do something this weekend and you don't want to?

a: "No, I just don't feel like it this weekend. Let's try another time?"
> I get that this can be done, and it's important to do now and then to establish that you can, although I do also think that white lies make the world go round

q: What is logic? (in colloquial use)

a: logic is what other people use to prove that you're wrong
> you should reserve the right to be illogical

q: If someone criticizes you about something unserious, what should you do?

a: agree with them as much as possible -- "fogging" -- by saying something like "you might be right"
> do not deny, get defensive, or turn the criticism around onto them
> "unserious" bc a) if you actually made a mistake, you should own it, b) if it's legal or cops or something, you obviously should say "let me talk to my lawyer" ;-)

q: When you're giving a public talk, what is a "South of France" question? how should you answer?

a: when someone says something like, "how does this apply in the South of France", i.e. a highly esoteric question outside of your area of expertise; "I don't know"

Habits

When you want something, be a BROKEN RECORD: "One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and to keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud."

Quotes

"If we cope in these ways, not only do we get angry or afraid but we usually lose the battle -- and there are real battles in life, to be won or lost -- with other people; we get frustrated and eventually sad or depressed."

"No one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen."

"Whenever you hear yourself or someone else say 'should', extend your anti-manipulative antennae up as far as possible and listen carefully. In all likelihood, some message that says, "You are not your own judge." will follow."

"Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs."

"You can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to."

The possible responses for a human to a problem: fight, flight, and verbal problem solving.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a clear, well written book about assertiveness training. My mom got this for me years ago and I carted it around with every intention of reading it. Having finally done so, I am really impressed with what Smith presents in these pages. He provides excellent descriptions of various aspects of assertiveness, explains how to adopt these methods and provides sample dialogues to show how to put these techniques into practice. Anyone facing difficulty in being assertive in personal or professional interaction will glean useful information from this book. Impressive.

There were several of the author’s points that I didn’t agree with, and I started out really doubting this book altogether, but I actually ended up taking away some really good assertiveness skills from this book and I am super glad I read it.

Best book thus far on the topic of being assertive...

I really love it when an author has found a universal framework that just works in all situations. Regardless of where you are and who you are dealing with. The universality of assertiveness simply works with humans *PERIOD*!

I like how the book starts by telling how you have the right to say no, to be wrong and not obliged to answer all questions.

One point that was a complete eye opener was how common manipulation is. Our parents, friends and even our loved ones all go down the road of manipulation. Believe it or not but WE ARE ACTUALLY MANIPULATORS as well.
That’s simply how the majority of the world is.

So using such assertive techniques really do break peoples efforts to twist things and get their way. it allows for a clear and sincere message that makes people rather enjoy discussions with you and reach mutual agreements.

HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THIS BOOK!

Practical advice on assertiveness and on teaching assertiveness using Systematic Assertive Therapy. A few useful techniques and a huge collection of dialogues exemplifying their use in very diverse contexts. Maybe too many dialogues but just the "bill of assertive rights" is a useful reflection point.

Pažiūrėjus į knygos viršelį ir perskaičius pavadinimą atrodo, kad knyga bus eilinis savimotyvacinis šlamštas, ar ne? Nežinau, ką leidėjai turėtų daryti, kad nesudarytų klaidingo įspūdžio, bet šįkart tai visai rimta, ir kartu labai praktinė knyga, netgi sugebėjusi sukelti mini revoliuciją mano mąstyme. Neslėpsiu, nuolatinis kaltės jausmas yra nemenka mano problema, gal dėl to taip stipriai buvau paveikta ir duodu aukščiausius įvertinimus. Tiesiog man ši knyga buvo labai reikalinga ir naudinga.
Be to, ji puikiai atliepia prieš tai skaitytai Vaikai kilę iš dangaus – kadangi man rūpi ne tik atsikratyti kaltės jausmo savyje, bet ir tinkamai auklėti vaikus, kad jiems neįskiepyčiau tos suknistos kaltės, ši knyga puikiai padeda tiek atsikratyti manipuliacinių gudrybių kasdieniniame gyvenime, tiek moko, kaip bendrauti, kad skatintume artimuosius taip pat bendrauti su mumis be manipuliacijų. Labai patiko!

What a healthy reading :)

I have to say that this book doesn't deserve that shitty, comertial title. This book is so rich and I would love to meet the author. Yep, he is dead.

Anyway, I feel that if I master assertivity I would be a super hero, yhat will be the power that I will choose, in case youll ask. What a responsibility... What a power:)

This book is certainly dated, but I recommend it for people who struggle with asserting themselves in various situations. It offers helpful methods for coping with criticism, manipulation, and other relationship issues. Chapters 2 and 3, describing our assertive human rights, seem common-sense but are often undermined by family, religion, and culture. Just reading them helped open my eyes to the ways I forfeit these rights to others, and helped me recall those rights during confrontational situations. The "fogging" technique in Chapter 6 I've found most helpful out of all the techniques, for un-learning those knee-jerk reactions to other people's comments and for learning to listen calmly rather than reacting defensively. If you can get past the outdated scenarios and references (it was written in the 1970s), it's worth a read.