When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by manuel j. smith

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

Le pongo una, pero consideradlo un -1, y aún soy generoso con este monótono tocho que se tira chorrocientas páginas dándole vueltas a la misma basura de teletienda mientras riega sus ejemplos de una misoginia patente y un supremacismo barato con un vocabulario que haría sonrojar al guionista del peor cine cutre yanki de hace cincuenta años.

En serio, no perdáis tiempo con la basura de J. Smith.

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093-GGULYAS

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

I can pretty wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone—awesome assertiveness training, very straightforward with simple techniques and very good practical examples. FOGGING alone is worth getting into it. This is basically the antidote to codependency and manipulation.

From an integral POV it's very much helping us claim "autonomy," Kegan's 4th order. Some is a little "green" in the healthiest iteration of that meaning-making pattern: that we're the judge of our own character, not someone else, not society's rules. No matter how developed we think we are, I think there's always room to grow here, and it's just healthier for everyone involved. Reading this I'm coming more to terms with how often I unwittingly resort to emotional manipulation myself, and of course how often I give in to it.

Even loving it, it's long and since it was written 50 years ago, it doesn't have the same page turner quality of today's pop-psych books. Overall this is a plus for me, but it does mean it takes more "work" to get all the way through.

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MonadProxyy

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

Well! I had great expectations before I began to read this one. And initially, it did keep me interested but later due to excessive recurrence, it became clear that the author has nothing else to offer. Still, I gave 3 stars to the book because of its effective techniques; the author's efforts, and his expertise in the field which was very well perceptible while reading the book.

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TanishaT

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

It’s a bit of an old book, 1975, but the information is relevant. I enjoy that the book was written by a psychologist who really knows what the hell he is talking about, rather than written by some business guru. It’s therefore a bit duller to read than contemporary, guru self-help books, but it’s not necessarily dry either, since the author tries to keep it as layman as possible.

The book first gives us a brief idea of how non-assertive came about in some of us (blame your parents) and then tells us ten Assertive Rights that we should believe in, mainly they have to do with be your own judge and don’t let other people affect your own decision making and actions. Finally, he gives us some ways of being more assertive, and these are FOGGING (absorb criticisms without defending yourself), NEGATIVE ASSERTION (say the negative thing about yourself or the situation), NEGATIVE INQUIRY (ask for more information related to something negative about yourself or the situation), SELF DISCLOSURE (give a bit of information about yourself), BROKEN RECORD (keep repeating what you want) and WORKABLE COMPROMISE (give an alternative solution).

I don’t have a problem with assertiveness the way some of his patients in the book seemed to have, but I still found it useful to keep those simple techniques in mind. Specially, repeating what you want, without getting mad or defensive. The dialogue examples helps better understand the techniques.

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Yarho

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

This is a book the delivers on its promise. While it has a bit of the usual padding that one finds in self-help books, even the padding serves the point of introducing the concepts of assertiveness. First you get the theory of assertiveness, then you get extremely practical techniques for being assertive.

I can't hold on to copies of this book because I keep giving it away to friends. Luckily you can often find it in the free bin at Your Neighborhood Used Book Store.

Some of the sample dialouges are cheesy, many are dated, and some are just bizarre. The writing is forcibly folksy and unremittingly optimistic. It's vintage 1975 self-help style and I think that's part of the charm; others may disagree.

I'm giving this book five stars based on its practical usefulness. It's not literature. It's more like a user guide for your spine. It's not new-agey self-help of the change your deep inner nature style. All the advice is practical and straightforward stuff that you can do right away to immediately begin to assert yourself and improve your life. It's also a quick read.

So if you see it in the free bin, go ahead and grab a copy.

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SL33P

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

Many of us have the unrealistic belief that having to live with problems day after day is an unhealthy or unnatural lifestyle. Not so! Life presents us all with problems. It is entirely natural. But very often, as a result of the unrealistic belief that a healthy person has no problems, you may feel the lifestyle we are all caught up in is not worth living. Most of the people I get to know well from th erapy sessions develop this negative belief. But it is not the result of having problems, it is the result of feeling inadequate to cope with our problems and the people who present them.

disaster is not lurking around the next turn

mutual convenience

violating some sacred set of rules on how husbands and wives “should” behave

classical Nuremberg defense: “I was only following orders.”

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Kyzan

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

Assertivity for dummies.

If you have problem settings boundaries or feel bad doing so.

When more dominant people roll over you this is you self-defense manual.

Very good also for relationships, recommended to lot of my friends who became very submissive in their relationships.

Buy it. It is worth it.

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Impasse

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

April 26,2025

Assertion!

Valuable for those who encounter the common practice of manipulation in daily life. Saying no, asserting yourself and your being… these things are not only crucial for prosperity but in rare cases our own survival. It is so important to learn things like this and Smith goes into this super well.

I also appreciate how this intersects and in many way (implicitly) disagrees with the popular book “Nonviolent Communication” which covers pretty much the same topic. They compliment each other incredibly well.

In terms of criticisms, I found a lot of the way Smith writes to be a tad over-philosophical and psycho-therapy babble for my taste. However, the practical action steps, techniques and examples breathe life into the read as they arise.

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When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

manuel j. smith

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