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Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence

rosalind wiseman lee adams

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Forget the stereotype of sugar and spice. Girls are mean. From the author of DEFENDING OURSELVES: PREVENTION, SELF-DEFENSE, AND RECOVERY FROM RAPE, comes a guide to the adolescent girl's landscape and how to survive it. Helping parents understand their daughter's friendships, the power hierarchy within cliques (which includes such roles as the Queen Bee, Sidekick, Torn Bystander, Messenger, and Target), Wiseman offers much needed advice on both what to do to help your daughter and how to talk to her ( Don't use slang your daughter uses). She addresses such topics as boys, sex, and drugs as well as what to do if your daughter needs professional help. Each chapter has a Check Your Baggage section, which challenges parents to recognize their own biases and remember their own experience with adolescence.

8 pages, Audio Cassette

First published March 31,2002

This edition

Format
8 pages, Audio Cassette
Published
January 1, 2004 by Books on Tape, Inc.
ISBN
9781415913178
ASIN
141591317X
Language
English

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About the author

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rosalind wiseman

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Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

Wiseman is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. Twice a New York Times Bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Her follow‐up book Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads was released in 2006, and she is a monthly columnist for Family Circle magazine.

Since founding the Empower Program, a national violence‐prevention program, in 1992, Wiseman has gone on to work with tens of thousands of students, educators, parents, counselors, coaches, and administrators to create communities based on the belief that each person has a responsibility to treat themselves and others with dignity. Audiences have included the American School Counselors Association, Capital One, National Education Association, Girl Scouts, Neutrogena, Young Presidents Association, Independent School Associations and the International Chiefs of Police, as well as countless schools throughout the U.S. and abroad.

She is a frequent guest on the Today Show and been profiled in The New York Times, People, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, USA Today, Oprah, Nightline, CNN, Good Morning America, and National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country.
In 2009, Rosalind Wiseman has three publications scheduled for release:

* Her groundbreaking book Queen Bees & Wannabes will be updated with a chapter on younger girls, insights on how technology has impacted kids' social landscapes, and new commentary from girls and boys;
* The Owning Up Curriculum, a comprehensive social justice program for grades 6‐12, will reflect an ever‐changing adolescent culture, and incorporate new strategies for using media to engage students;
* And a new young adult novel will mark Wiseman's first foray into fiction. The book follows its 14 year‐old heroine, Charlotte Healey, as she navigates the personal and social challenges of her freshman year of high school.

Wiseman has a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Occidental College. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons.

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Community Reviews

Rating(4.1 / 5.0, 100 votes)
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Suzu-kun22
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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I thought that this book started strong. But my problem with self-help books is that I grow bored of the topic. This book kept me until the last couple of chapters that I felt was pretty much common sense. But I feel strongly to urge every woman with or without daughters to read this book. It applies to those raising daughters and those still trying to grow up (which, let's be honest, is most of us). It helped me take a good look at myself and my "growing up as a girl" experience. Girls are just mean sometimes. I love that it helps give great advice to parents who will have to witness and help their daughters growing up in a girl-eat-girl world. I will definitely reread this as Catherine and Charlotte enter their fourth grade years to remind myself of what kind of parent I want to be and how I want to help shape my daughters as they grow into, hopefully, strong, intelligent, young women.
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PEPEGAss
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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I feel this book encourages bullying and ostracizing of woman and girls who do not fit into the social construct promulgated by the author. She is not benefitting culture by creating this system, she is promoting becoming her own version of Regina and stepping on people's rights to set boundaries and develop into their own personality. The worst propaganda to hit schools.
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Noobverest
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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One of the best books out there on the subject. Wiseman provides a comprehensive overview of what girls face from the ages of 8-18 in their interactions with each other, and at some point, with boys. There's lots of good advice in this book, but what I really liked about it was that Wiseman puts the reader in the shoes of what girls face as they experience adolescence and how their behavior is formed by how they feel about themselves.

There are no easy answers here, but we were able to put some of the tools to use during a bullying incident that occurred at my daughter's school with a clique of her friends (cliques are good things because the close friendships that they generate are important to adolescents). Having an understanding of the dynamics that were occurring helped me to stay calm and to be able to communicate openly with the counselor as we all worked together to resolve misunderstandings and to (hopefully) strengthen the bonds within this group going forward. Then, the virus hit and it's likely that the kids won't get back to campus this year. I'm curious to see whether the lessons learned carry over to start of middle school if we are unable to finish out the school year in person.

I highly recommend this book to parents of girls who are age 8-15. It's a resource that I know that I will go to time and time again.
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lipe44
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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This was a tough book to read as far as facing some of the realities of parenting, but it was informative and easy to follow. I am not sure that I agree with all of the presentation, but definitely worth the read. It does cause me to question my memories of my childhood, because either I did not experience much of these dynamics, or have blocked them out... The points on technology are good, even if you don't agree with her suggestions, it causes you to think about how you want to handle the issue in your own family.
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GrandioseHD
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

Remember the dreaded “video” you were forced to watch in 5th grade, right before you started pubin’ out and became horrible? Schools should eliminate that and add a mandatory class on how to survive “Girl World” to the curriculum instead.

n  n

Queen Bees and Wannabes is the first parenting book I’ve ever read. I never bothered with all the Dr. Spock nonsense. I mean really, who would trust a VULCAN to give the right advice about parenting? They don’t even have emotions for God’s sake!

As a mother of boys, this obviously wasn’t a book geared toward me. I do, however, often get asked if I’m “sad I didn't have more kids.” Well, to be blunt the answer has always been “if I didn't have to navigate them through Junior High and High School then . . . maybe.” This book confirmed those feelings . . .

n  n

From the basics of mean girl behavior like gossip and slut shaming to more complex issues like drugs, alcohol, and sex - Queen Bees covers nearly everything. And while most of the advice seems to stem from basic common sense, if there’s one thing I’ve come to realize about ‘Muricans is there’s a good chunk of them that have none of it. Those people should flock to the bookstore stat in order to purchase this book.

Personally, I love the common sense approach to parenting. No offense to all the religious zealots out there, but I’m not one of you so if I wanted a “godly” parenting book I would go to the Christian Book Store and pick one up (or I would just ask Tom Cruise).

I was lucky, I guess. I never experienced much of the “mean girl” world as a kid. I was actively bullied one time. In Junior High School I was approached before school by a girl I knew from Adam who informed me she would be kicking my ass after school. Well, she didn’t, but she continued to inform me daily that she was still planning on it. My own private Dread Pirate Roberts.

n  n

Good news to any youngsters reading this – if your bully is anything like mine she’ll get what’s coming to her . . .

n  n

Ha! Not really, but there’s a good chance she’ll end up an unemployed loser with a bunch of kids in 20 years : )

The basic goal is to be aware of what position your daughter is playing in her social hierarchy in order to help her navigate adolescence effectively. If you are unfortunate enough to be raising a “Queen Bee,” how to attempt to turn her into one who uses her powers for good rather than evil . . .

n  n

Or if your poor kid happens to be the bullied rather than the bully, to hopefully get her to a point where she can say . . .

n  n

Bottom line, parents need to actively work on helping to create less of this type of girl . . .

n  n

and more of this type of girl . . .

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Oh, and stop trying to be your child’s BFF. It is your job to keep them from being assholes – and if you find out they ARE being assholes, it is your job to actually follow the advice in this book and make them own up to it and apologize. I’ll gladly take the “I hate yous” or being told “I’m the worst” (there’s a tiara with that written on it just for me) if it means my kid didn’t ruin someone else’s life.
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maingoman
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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Queen Bees is more directed toward the parents of teenagers than Reviving Ophelia, but don't let that scare you off if you are a bullied student or interested in combating bullying from a sociological perspective.

Queen Bees was a helpful resource for me, who was bullied by mostly female peers from early adolescence into early adulthood with varying degrees of visciousness. I occasionally return to materials on bullying to help me understand what happened to me and how it still shapes my personality to this day, and to help me be a better resource for patrons who may ask me about classroom cruelty.

Wiseman helpfully categorizes the various players in cliques as Queen Bees, Sidekicks, Bankers, Floaters, Torn Bystanders, Pleasers/Wannabes/Messengers, and Targets. Humorously, I also categorized the cliquey girls in my high school lunchroom as "Class A's" (Queen Bees), "Class B's" (Sidekicks), and "Class C's" (Wannabes/Floaters). I fit into none of these, because, well, I was a textbook Target.

Wiseman writes of the Target:

-She feels helpless to stop the girls' behavior.
-She feels she has no allies. No one will back her up.
-She feels isolated.
-She can mask her hurt by rejecting people first, saying she doesn't like anyone.
...
She feels ashamed of being rejected by the other girls because of who she is. She'll be tempted to change herself in order to fit in. She feels vulnerable and unable to affect the outcome of her situation. She could become so anxious that she can't concentrate on schoolwork.

Yep, that was me, all right. Queen Bees hits the nail on the head when it informs readers that teens will rarely tell their parents the whole scope of what's going on. The insidious thing about bullying is the way it takes control of your brain: "Are they seeing something I'm not?" "There must be something really wrong with me." "I can't let my parents know I'm such a loser, they would be so ashamed." Although my parents were aware I wasn't treated well, they had no idea of the true scope of it all. I honestly wish this book would have been available to them when I was starting junior high and high school.

Wiseman also categorizes students outside the social cliques. I imagine I would have best fit into the "Quiet, Morose Girl/Loner" mold in high school...and, well, as an adult, for that matter. I do wish Wiseman would have talked more about how our social roles in youth often influence the development of our personalities as adults.

The author spends much time discussing the crucial aspect of boyfriends and correctly states that a relationship is a "crucial validation" for a girl that "increases her sense of self-worth." What she does not state is that this value explicitly takes its cues from adulthood. We are not a culture that holds singledom in high regard. Even though I was very much an adult when I entered into my first serious relationship, I too felt the rush of validation when I could finally say I had a boyfriend. Most females in our culture look to males for feelings of belonging and self-worth, and this is a problem of society in general, not just youth culture.
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TerraSpin
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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I read this for a vlog that I am currently working on, not because I thought it would actually be useful to me. To my surprise though a lot of Wiseman's advice for teen girls and their parents could actually be applied to most people in a variety of different situations.

She teaches you how to think rationally about decisions, stand up for yourself in a respectful way, ask for help and overall just communicate in a clear and effective manner. While the examples might not be relevant to every reader, the overarching message will be.

Not all of her advice is perfect though. Some of her methods of applying parental authority felt like overkill to me. There was an example about what to do if you walk in on your child having sex that made me want to die. Other little things too that I wasn't completely on board with, but everyone will have different opinions I suppose.
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mypi
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
April 26,2025
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Wow - I hated this book! I’m pregnant with my first child - a daughter - and overdosing on parenting books. I saw this book in the library and thought it looked interesting.

This book was hard to read because it paints such a dramatic & painful view of female adolescence. It just isn’t realistic. I was a teen not that long ago. I was part of a clique and we were immature, but we never went to the lengths described as normal in this book. My childhood was actually really pleasant. It never occurred to me to drink, use drugs or have sex. I obeyed my parents. I focused on school. I went on a few dates later in high school, but never became obsessed with it. I had my first serious boyfriend in college and married my second boyfriend at 25. We honored our morals and waited until marriage to act like married people. All my friends had christian values and when someone fell short and behaved badly, they’d eventually seek forgiveness. The world described by the author just isn’t one I have ever experienced.

Sex, drugs, drinking and disrespect for authorities is portrayed as normal. Those who disagree are dismissed as “in denial” or “naive”. The parents reading this book must have been truly messed up themselves to think this behavior is normal or acceptable. Maybe they are too busy trying to be their daughter’s friend or building her “self esteem” to actually parent.

The book also completely disregards and pointedly does not acknowledge the role of God or morals. Umm, maybe all these problems exist because you are refusing to acknowledge God & morals! There is a section where the author says there is “no excuse” for not providing sex education to your daughter. She mocks those who believe in abstinence. There are also several sections on homosexuality and “accepting” this lifestyle.

The author describes girls as “nasty” and this just has never been my experience.
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