تعریف یک کتاب خوب گمانم این است: «کتابی که با خواندنش جهان را جور دیگری می‌بینیم». کتاب آلیس میلر از همین دست کتاب‌ها ست؛ اثری که مهم‌ترین اختلالات روانی را با کودکیِ هر فرد و به رابطه‌اش با والدین مرتبط می‌کند و از مخاطبانش می‌خواهد با خشم و انزجار و غم‌های آن دوران مواجه شوند تا اسیر آن نمانند

این کتاب هرگز از ذهنم پاک نمیشه و دوست دارم چندین بار دیگه هم بخونمش چون هر بار چیز بیشتری ازش یاد میگیرم، شاید اگر فقط ۱۰ کتاب با خودم بتونم به به جزیره دوری ببرم حتما یکیش این کتابه.

Το βιβλίο αυτό είναι μια αποκάλυψη. Τα 5 αστέρια είναι πραγματικά λίγα. Μακάρι να το διάβαζαν όλοι, ειδικά όσοι επιθυμούν ή επρόκειτο να γίνουν γονείς ή όσοι είχαν (ή νομίζουν πως δεν είχαν...) δύσκολα παιδικά χρόνια. Εξαιρετικό!

Be warned: dated, rife with gender essentialism, awkward generalizations, bad science.

Yet, the main argument (how we learn to suppress feeling and expressing emotion because of our parents' parenting) is worth a look. Although I'm guessing there are better and more recent books that incorporate the same line of reasoning.

At slightly over a hundred pages, this slim volume addresses the effects of narcissistic parenting and is one of the more highly-regarded works on the subject within the treatment community.

Alice Miller, a Swiss psychologist with twenty years in clinical practice, had come to reject traditional forms of analysis and broke from the theories of Jung and Freud - concluding the standard approach to such emotional injuries left too much power in the parent's court. The primary caretakers (most frequently mothers) were not being held to account for the damage they themselves had suffered and had unconsciously passed on. Holding the perpetrator inviolate, she felt, made it virtually impossible for victims to come to terms with the who and why of their experience and the reality of their plight. The "gifted child" she refers to is the child whose natural gifts were forced underground at an early age because they threatened the parent. Recovery, as Miller perceives it, lies in resurrecting that oppressive dynamic and feeling (frequently for the first time) what could not be felt in childhood without the terrifying loss of a mother's love. Such emotions might include deep pockets of rage, fear, frustration, despair, and a clear sense of danger.

I think this is invaluable material for anyone weighing the prospect of entering therapy. Miller does not sugarcoat the process. Few will describe so precisely what it is for an adult not only to recover those childhood traumas but to re-experience them as that child did, in all their nightmarish proportion. Such an emergence of raw, infantile emotion can prove profoundly shocking to the adult mind. Unhinging. Disabling. And once that Pandora's Box is opened? There's really no way to close it again. This book, in all its fierce revelation, makes an excellent case for the importance of finding the right therapist from the outset - even if it means interviewing five or seven or twelve.

Where I take issue with Miller, and I do take issue here, is in her passionate insistence on the existence of a "true" self. If we are to accommodate influence, distortion, solipsism, and the ever-shifting nexus of authenticity itself, then I suspect a nature can only ever be temporarily true and, if sought on a psychic map, will forever be sailing North, South, East and West, to a bewildering variety of foreign locales - each of which will require the re-establishment of anchorage and the reassessment of our definition of "true." That's my sense of it, anyway, and stands as a minor complaint in the grander scheme of a useful book.

Nuostabi knyga. Jos poveikį bei nagrinėjamą temą apie tikrosios savasties paieškas per išsilaisvinimą nuo tariamosios savasties galiu apibūdinti šia trumpa citata: "Tai ne grįžimas namo, nes namų niekada nebuvo. Tai namų atradimas.".

کتاب خیلی خوبی حرف بود. حرف اصلی کتاب این بود که باید دست از توهم و توجیه برداریم و قبول کنیم آسیب دیدیم. قبول کنیم که خودمون و دیگران به خصوص پدر و مادر در دوران کودکی بهمون آسیب زدند و جرات کنیم این آسیب رو افشا کنیم بدون ترس از دست دادن و دوست داشته نشدن.
کتاب میگفت ریشه تمام گرایشهای افراطی دقیقا همین ترسه و تلاش برای اینکه آسیب دیدگیمون رو مخفی کنیم.
...
یکی از بحثهای اصلی دیگه ی کتاب هم این بود که پدر و مادری که به آسیبهاشون آگاه نشدن از بچه هاشون برای مخفی کردن این آسیبها استفاده میکنند و اکثر بچه ها برای از دست ندادن حمایتهای والدین تا آخر عمرشون گاهی اجازه میدن که ازشون سواستفاده بشه و بعد دوباره همینها رو به بچه ی خودشون منتقل میکنند.
ارزش خوندن داشت البته برای کسایی که با خود خود خودشون هنوز کنار نیومدن.

Biz Psikologlar bir sebepten ötürü bu mesleği seçtik. Kendi yaralarımızı saramadık, ama başkalarının yaralarını sarmaya kendimizi adadık. Bu yolla iyileşmeyi umduk belki de. Bu kitap bir terapistin dünyasını, çıkmazlarını ve sancılarını güzel ifade ediyor.
Bir Psikolog olarak benim için çok çarpıcı bir kitaptı. Defalarca kendi çocukluğuma döndüm. Biz yetişkinler olarak hepimizin içinde hala kabul görmek isteyen, sevilmek isteyen, takdir edilmek isteyen, ihtiyaçları olan bir çocuk var. Tüm bu kaotik yaşam da bundan dolayı değil mi zaten?

I read this in my mid-30s and at the time, I found this to be the most helpful book I had ever read. Narcissism is fully explained - though many may think that is just another word for self-centeredness - in its many complexities. The title is misleading and apparently renamed for marketing purposes. The child who is victimized by the Narcissist is gifted because they deal with such heavy challenges and become over-sensitive to others' needs, always eager to please, while suppressing their own self-knowledge, emotions and needs.
The book described my life in extraordinary detail, it was a catharsis to see expressed what I never could have spoken. There were a few details that did not match my life for sure, but on the whole, this book freed me.
The book describes the extraordinary behaviors, symptoms, resulting characteristics in both the Narcissist and the victim.

Too you can't explain away a person with just one cause, and no one is a pure Narcissist, nor should anyone be a total victim.

The biggest drawback to the book is that after reading it, being enlightened and more aware of Narcissistic behavior and the stunted growth of the victims...you then say: then what?
Alice Miller never ever talks about forgiveness or how to overcome being victimized, stuck in indignation. Learning the exercise of gratitude and forgiveness is the only way to beat the despair of self-pity.

Today if I read it, I might take exception to the Freudian slant, to her constant complaining, to her utter atheistic outlook - but at the time I read this book, I was in no shape to weigh those kinds of things.

Beklediğimden çok farklı bir kitaptı. Başlık çok yanıltıcı. Evet, belli başlı çıkarımlar yapılabilir ancak gerek kitabın dili, gerekse biz sıradan ebeveynlerden çok Alice Miller'ın meslektaşlarına yazıldığını düşünmem sebebiyle bu kitap yerine ebeveynlere çok daha faydalı olacak eserler önerebilirim.

Örneğin,
Bütün Beyinli Çocuk
Beni Ödülle Cezalandırma
Otuz Milyon Kelime: Çocuğunuzun Beynini Geliştirin
ve bu kitap hariç daha pek çok çocuk gelişim kitabı.

Herkese keyifli okumalar

en bokgenre jag inte vanligtvis brukar läsa. handlar om hur ens barndom kan påverka den vuxne och hur känslor som man upplevde då kan hänga kvar och leda till dåligt mående. många intressanta resonemang tas upp! jag gillade att allting exemplifierades. det gör att även den som är så insatt förstår. boken får 3/5 eftersom den upprepade sig ganska mycket i andra hälften.

تا زمانی که ما نسبت به رنج و عذاب کودکان حساسیت به خرج ندهیم، استفاده از قدرت به دست بزرگسالان همچنان یکی از جنبه های عادی زندگی انسان ها دیده خواهد شد، چون به ندرت کسی به آن توجه می کند یا آن را جدی می گیرد. از آنجا که قربانیان در این موارد فقط بچه ها هستند، رنج آنها ناچیز شمرده می شود. اما در عرض بیست سال این بچه ها تبدیل به بزرگسالانی می شوند که به شدت حس خواهند کرد باید تمام رنج های خود را به کودکانشان برگردانند. آنها ممکن است خودآگاه و با تمام قوا با ظلم و ستم موجود در دنیا مبارزه کنند، در حالیکه درون خود تجربه ظلم و ستمی را دارند که ممکن است آن را ناخودآگاه بر دیگران تحمیل کنند. تا زمانی که چنین تجربه ای در پشت تصویری خیالی از یک دوران کودکی شاد مخفی است، آنها از وجود آن آگاهی نمی یابند و در نتیجه قادر نخواهند بود از انتقالش جلوگیری کنند.