I read this book at the encouragement of my adult daughter who thought it might help me understand some anxieties and resentment in her younger brother. I read it with some other women which was a good thing to have their companionship as I found this book absolutely graceless. The author’s premise that all adults who suffer from anxieties or depression must do the work of recalling and recognizing the destructive actions of their parents, most often their mother, no matter how well intentioned they may be. According to her, from birth the mother has laid on expectations which have stunted the emotional growth of their children. They have used their children in a form of abuse to meet their own needs. Example after horrific example was given of mothers who abused, exploited, and damaged their children with their religion, their own damaged past, and with any and all expectations of behavior. Furthermore, all are doomed to repeat the pattern to the next generation. I would not recommend this book to anyone.

160 sayfadan çok daha fazlasını okudum sanırım ya da okumaya çalıştım desem daha doğru.
Alice Miller’ı insanlara tanıtmak için elinden geleni yapan Nihan Kaya’ya ayrıca teşekkürler!
Çok yoğun bir kitaptı zor oldu benim için okuması. Satırlar arasında beklemelerim, hazmetmekte zorlandığım çok anlar yaşadım..
Anne-baba, öğretmen, dayı, hala, teyze, anneanne, babaanne!
Çocuğa dokunan herkes okusun mutlaka!
Belki böylelikle makus talihimizi değiştirmek mümkün olabilir...

I have been recommended this book on numerous occasions by therapists and friends who are therapists. It is considered a classic. It is not about children of high intelligence which is the general use of the word "gifted" today and the title is misleading in that respect.

I began this book in 1996 and have now finished it. That it has taken me nearly twenty years to get through says something...about me, or the author, I'm not sure which. I am being facetious, but I want to make the point that although this book is revered in certain circles, it is not without criticism.

The first time I read it (before I had my own children) I didn't get past the first few pages. Too dry, abstract and lacking in concrete ways forward. Picking it up again now I have children, the first chapter depressed me beyond belief to the point that I dreaded picking it up to read further. The idea that I was damaged by my own parents and then passed this damage on to my children was excruciating.

However, as she went on and on reiterating the same theme, never giving any solutions to the presented problem, I found myself wearying of her position. And in the end, I became cynical.

We all do the best we can as parents. None of us had parents who were able to "mirror" us as sufficiently as the author seems to think they should have. They had jobs, money worries, rocky marriages, mortgages, other children, etc. In other words, they had lives.

Ms. Miller seems to espouse some utopian expectation of parents that can't possibly be fulfilled and never have been in the history of mankind. Yet somehow, we made it through. Sure, there are some truly terrible parents who ruin their children's lives but most do their best and are well-intentioned but still have children who split off parts of their personalities, become people pleasers or some form of narcissist. That it seems to me is the drama of childhood - that the mundane can cause the same result. And that to avoid it, is almost impossible.

In the end, it felt like a turgid piece of salesmanship for therapy. And while I'm a huge proponent of good therapy to build self-awareness, coping mechanisms and relieve depression, I really didn't need to read this to know that. The ideas are now outdated and rooted in victimhood. The hours I spent wading through this would have been better spent *in* therapy.

I've read a lot a really helpful books that my therapist has recommended to me in the past six months or so. This book is amazing and straight to the point. I would recommend it for anyone that has issues w their parents that they want some perspective on or anyone concerned about possibly passing on the legacy of their own difficulties to their children, however inadvertently. I will read all of Alice Miller's books after reading this one.