I think this book might be an important read for some but holy shit there has to be a better way. The way the book is organized is extremely confusing. It doesn’t progress chronically or naturally; it barely if at all build upon what’s discussed previously. It’s just the same “Are you sad? Do you feel broken? Well it’s mommy’s fault.”

I recommend skimming this book and reading the parts that pertain to you.

One more reason to treat children, and ALL of their emotions with respect. This includes our own inner children, of course.

Great book, but better for gifted/hsp/spd adults or teens would be: Living with Intensity and The Highly Sensitive Person. Much more helpful for the above types of people in learning to deal with their intensity. This book is mostly useful as a warning: "This is possibly what your parents did to make you an over-sensitive person with no self, read this so you are very clear about what you may do to your own children." There is very little about what to do instead (as a parent), so if what you are looking for is helpful alternatives or a better way to raise children, read my blog or Non Violent Communication, The Art of Living Consciously, Dear Parents: Caring for Children with Respect, and What to do when Babies and children cry.

Other notes:

"He is envious of healthy people because they do not have to make a constant effort to earn admiration, and because they do not have to do something in order to impress, one way or the other, but are free to be 'average.'" Is that the mark of a healthy person--averageness? Contentment with being average?

Is "over-sensitivity" really something created in children by parents or is it a physical reality we are born with? Parents of HSP, gifted or today called SPD would insist that their children were born that way and they are victims of overly sensitive, high maintenance children. Would these gifted children truly become average and normal if their needs were met "enough" in childhood? Or would they be even more brilliant, able to access even more parts of themselves?

Do ALL sensitive kids exhibit co-dependent tendencies? If so, is it truly the fault of parents or is it a natural feature of having been so sensitive as a child?

Could this problem be solved by providing children with more adults to connect with, more people from whom he can get his needs met? i.e. do we not create this problem by shutting one woman alone in a house with a baby rather than having 10 adults and 20 older children and teens available to connect with the child?

It is not just our parents that teach us not to listen to ourselves, everything in our society from sports to school, teaches us to repress our exhaustion, push through, don't listen to our bodies, do what we don't want to do, punish punish punish ourselves, discipline ourselves--success is only bought at the price of how much misery we can carry. When in fact, the opposite is true. But my point is: parents are not the only or even the main cause of this. This book does not really address this.

Interesting that this author believes people can be happy with social metaphysics. She calls them "emotionally conforming". Is that what it looks like to be healthy then? Emotionally conforming content to be average? She does not clarify this.

"Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings."

To find our true selves we must mourn and mourn and mourn... I think Nathaniel Branden is more helpful on this one. It's not just about feeling and feeling and feeling--it's about feeling AND thinking, processing, deciding. You don't feel for the sake of feeling, you feel to gather information. Most people miss this.This is why no one holds a candle to Branden when it comes to psychology books.

"Society not only suppresses instinctual wishes but also it suppresses particular feelings (like anger) and narcissistic needs (for esteem, respect) whose admissibility in adults and fulfillment in children would lead to individual autonomy and emotional strength, and thus would not be convenient for those in power." Why, this author must be a Libertarian then, right?!

Beni çok etkileyen bir kitap oldu. Dönüp dönüp belli yerlerini okurum. Herkesin okumasını istediğim kitaplardan biri.

A succinct and insightful book about the effects of child abuse. While childhood mistreatment may give kids certain gifts - such as increased empathy and greater achievement - these strengths come at a great cost. Only by confronting and honoring their pasts can these children rise above their unmet needs. Alice Miller writes with conviction and compassion, and I most enjoyed how she emphasizes the hope all of us gifted children should have: we can all lead fulfilling and meaningful lives, with effort and kindness to ourselves.

Miller does make some generalizations in The Drama of the Gifted Child, as I doubt all feminist women with piercings or angry male politicians faced childhood abuse. However, considering this book's publication date, I forgive her. I read this book at quite the fitting time in my personal life, so expect it to make an appearance in my future memoir/writing.

Ενδιαφέρον και ευανάγνωστο, το βιβλίο της Alice Miller εισχωρεί στα μύχια της παιδικής ψυχοσύνθεσης και καταγράφει τον τρόπο που αυτή επηρεάζει τη μετέπειτα πορεία προς την ενηλικίωση. Κατάθλιψη, διπολικές διαταρραχές, ιδέες μεγαλείου, επιθετικές και/ή αυτοκαταστροφικές συμπεριφορές, όλα δείχνουν να έχουν τις βάσεις τους σε μια δυσλειτουργική παιδική ηλικία. Μέσα από την πολυετή πείρα της ως ψυχαναλύτρια, η συγγραφέας παραθέτει απτά παραδείγματα από την κλινική της εμπειρία με γλωσσα κατανοητή και με πολλές επεξηγηματικές παραπομπές, χωρίς να γίνεται ούτε στιγμή υπερβολικά τεχνική ούτε όμως και απλοϊκή, βρίσκοντας επομένως τη χρυσή τομή μεταξύ του επιστημονικού εγχειριδίου και της λογοτεχνικής παρουσίασης που απευθύνεται τόσο σε ανυποψίαστους όσο και σε "ψαγμένους" αναγνώστες, απλούς ανθρώπους και ειδικούς, ασθενείς και θεραπευτές. Εξαιρετική δουλειά.

Κατά τη διάρκεια της ανάγνωσης υπογράμμισα κι έβαλα σελιδοδείκτες τουλάχιστον στο μισό βιβλίο, παραθέτω όμως μόνο ένα μικρό απόσπασμα που βρήκα ιδιαιτέρως σημαντικό.

"Στην πραγματικότητα οι ιδέες μεγαλείου είναι η άμυνά μας ενάντια στην κατάθλιψη και η κατάθλιψη είναι η άμυνα στο βαθύ πόνο για την απώλεια του εαυτού μας εξαιτίας της άρνησης της πραγματικότητας."

چقدر کتاب حقی بود!
به‌ نظرم همه باید یه دور بخوننش.
● آلیس میلر توی این کتاب به این می‌پردازه که ریشه‌ی همه‌ی ناهنجاری‌های روانی و رفتاری بشری توی آسیب‌هاییه که فرد توی کودکی خورده. کودک تمام احساسات خودش رو بعد از این آسیب‌ها سرکوب کرده ولی بعدن این احساسات واپس‌زده توی بدنش انباشته میشن و خودشون رو به اشکال مختلفی مثل افسردگی، خودنمایی، وسواس‌های فکری و رفتارهای انحرافی جنسی و... نشون میدن.

First things first, misleading title. "Prisonners of Childhood" is more accurate.
This book is an eye opener! I've read some of it a few years back and just now have gotten to reading it fully. The gist of it is that parents' expectations of their children can be projected in such a way on them, that it robs them from their "true feelings" and "true self", trying to become the "perfect" child that will meet their parents approval and gain their love.A lot of times, the children ignore/shut off/repress their own needs and feelings to fully live up to their parents' expectations/demands, out of fear that if they don't, their parents will abondon them (not literally, but their love might wear off).
Very powerful read. As an adult, it truly puts your childhood in restrospective, and makes you understand that how you were brought up as a child influences heavily how you conduct yourself as an adult.

Summer 2017 is apparently the 'summer of self-torture' for me, when it comes to reading. Though this book is a quick read (even for me), it felt a LOT longer than it actually was.

Other reviews have already covered the weakness of her theoretical/methodological foundations, as well as of her 'data' and argumentation. I would add that her tendency to univeralize (strongly influenced by her white, Western, cis, socioeconomically privileged identity) is problematic to the point of being comical. (If you were curious, this book must be partly to blame for the notion that 'mass murderers are such because mommy didn't hug them enough as a child.') Or at least, it would be funny if so many people didn't take it seriously. It seems positive when people find things that help them feel better, but what if the thing is a book that's like, "Mirroring between baby and mommy is so super important-- let's not talk about daddy"-- and people uncritically take that shit seriously? Is it really a positive if that stuff makes us feel better? Maybe this book is further evidence of the power of placebos...

There is a lot more to say about this book, but, dude, I deserve to spend some time reading something fun! We're done here.

آلیس میلر توی این کتاب درباره تاثیر بزرگی که دوران کودکی روی دوران بزرگسالی داره صحبت می کنهٍ. یه جاهاییش تکرار زیاد داشت اما اونقدر تاثیر این کتاب روی من زیاد بود که بهش امتیاز 5 میدم.
این کتاب رو هر کسی باید حداقل یه بار بخونه :)
به خصوص اگر تصمیم دارین فرزندی داشته باشین قبلش حتما این کتاب رو بخونین

Alice Miller je doktorirala filozofiju,psihologiju i sociologiju. Kasnije je studirala psihoanalizu i prakticirala ju dvadeset godina. Nakon što je kroz svoj rad uočila mnoge nedostatke u radovima Freuda (kritika "drive theory") i Junga, koji su se odnosili na temu djetinjstva, Miller je odlučila istraživati detaljnije kompleksnost ”slijepih točaka” djetinjstva, uključujući svoje vlastito. Nakon nekog vremena prestala je vjerovati u djelotvornost psihoanalize.
Teme kojima se bavi Miller u ovoj korisnoj knjizi su pronalazak svog izvornog sebe, narcisistički poremećaj osobnosti, zdrava narcisoidnost ili unutarnja sloboda i vitalnost, dvostrukost grandioznost-depresivnost, odnos terapeut-pacijent, perverzija i opsesivne neuroze, potragom za izgubljenim svijetom emocija.
MIller navodi primjere iz djetinjstva poznatih umjetnika-osoba, Van Gogha, Max Grubera, Igora Stravinskog, Hermanna Hessea. Sve su to bili ljudi čija majka ih uopće "nije vidjela". Jer očito niti nju nisu vidjeli u njezinom djetinjstvu. Najveći dio je posvećen upravo Hesseovom odnosu sa majkom, i njegovom kasnijom borbom u odrasloj dobi sa depresijom i "prijeziru prema majci" (kojoj nije ni na pogreb došao).
Svi spomenuti su primjer osoba koje su težile "grandioznosti" kako bi bili "viđeni", priznati kako bi dobili potvrdu da "jesu". Druga strana medalje je depresija, kada nestane naših "velikih djela".
Sviđa mi je kako Miller traži "mekše" izraze za sve stvari koje se tiču osjetljivosti ljudskih unutarnjih stanja. Radi analogiju sa majkom koja je koristila grube izraze i trenirala strogoću nad djetetom, kao usporedbu što tako grubi "stručni " izrazi rade i ljudima koji su u strahu da nisu "nepopravljivo bolesni". Radi toga i naslov u djelu, drama, tragedija, jer uistinu i jest tragedija, kao što mi se čini da jake i grube riječi ubijaju i naše mogućnosti boljih odnosa (posebno na našim područjima), te kako bi uvijek trebali tražit neki mekši izraz.
Posebno je zanimljiva teza da djetetu ostaju nesvjesne sve one stvari , (koje ga mogu učinit bolesnim) , koje je vidjelo u majčinim očima kao neodobravanje, kao zabranu jer su to bile u biti socijalno uvjetovane zabrane koje je ona sama usvojila.
Miller se u biti bavi demistifikacijom jednog tabua: idealizacije majčinske ljubavi. Kako ništa nije idealno, tako i majčinska ljubav nije ,niti može biti.
I sama autorica je krenula na taj put, upoznavanja, otkrivanja svojeg pravog Ja. Njoj je trebalo petnaestak godina da dođe do onoga što je tražila. Bavila se slikarstvom, što joj je pomagalo oko spontanosti.
Ova knjiga sadrži dobar uvid u kompleksnost navedenih tema, određene smjernice i saznanja koja mogu biti od pomoći svakom tko se zanima više za sebe.

Zanimljiva mi je ova priča koju je Miller našla u knjizi Alphonse Daudeta ”Lettres de mon moulin”:

"Nekoć je bilo dijete koje je imalo zlatni mozak. Roditelji su to otkrili samo slučajno, kada je ozlijedio glavu, a umjesto krvi je iscurilo zlato. Tada su počeli pažljivo paziti na njega i nisu ga pustili da se igra s drugom djecom iz straha da će biti opljačkan. Kad je dječak odrastao i želio je izaći na svijet, majka mu je rekla: "Mnogo smo toga učinili za vas, trebali bismo moći dijeliti vaše bogatstvo." Tada joj je sin izvadio veliki komad zlata iz mozga i dao ga majci. Živio je u velikom stilu s prijateljem koji ga je jedne noći opljačkao i pobjegao. Nakon toga čovjek je odlučio sačuvati svoju tajnu i početi raditi, jer su mu rezerve vidno nestale. Jednog dana zaljubio se u lijepu djevojku koja ga je također voljela, ali ne više od prekrasne odjeće koju joj je tako obilno dao. Oženio se s njom i bio je vrlo sretan, ali nakon dvije godine umrla je, a ostatak svog bogatstva potrošio je na njenom sprovodu, koji je morao biti sjajan. Jednom, dok je puzao ulicama, slab, siromašan i nesretan, ugledao je predivni par čizama koji bi upravo htio kupit svojoj ženi. Zaboravio je da je mrtva - možda zato što njegov isprazni mozak više nije radio - i ušao u trgovinu da kupi čizme. Ali u tom je trenutku pao i trgovac je vidio mrtvaca kako leži na zemlji."
Daudet, koji je umro od bolesti leđne moždine, napisao je ispod kraja ove priče:
”Ova priča zvuči kao da je izmišljena, ali istinita je od početka do kraja. Postoje ljudi koji moraju platiti i najmanje stvari u životu svojom supstancom i leđnom moždinom. To je bol koja se stalno ponavlja, i onda kad su umorni od patnje.”
NIje li i i "majčinska ljubav" jedna od tih "najmanjih" ali također i nezamjenjivih stvari radi kojih ljudi u životu plate odustajanjem od samih sebe?

Ha sido un descubrimiento muy valioso para mí. De manera divulgativa, habla de la raíz de los traumas de infancia y sus consecuencias en la vida adulta.

By encouraging grown adults to see themselves as permanent victims of their childhood, this book casts a long shadow. Andrea Dworkin said all sex is rape; Alice Miller says all parenting is abuse. And if you think you had a happy childhood, or have something positive to say about your parents, well clearly you need to go to therapy to dispel that false consciousness.

One example she gives of abuse is a father not giving up his ice cream stick when his two year old son throws a tantrum. Just ridiculous.

This book really irritated me. Being human is just a lot more complex than Miller allows.