In 1994 a friend of mind recommended this book to me. I was going through a rough patch -- divorce, change of residence/state, change of occupation, all those major stressors -- and this book was more than a help, it made me see myself and my personal struggle in a new light.

I can't and won't try to summarize this book in a few trite sentences. Suffice it to say that Dr. Alice Miller is a pioneering psychologist with great insight into the human problem. Dr. Miller states her objective, in the introduction to the original edition of her work, as follows: "...I am looking for a way ... by which the patient can regain his long-lost authentic sense of being truly alive."

This book helped me do just that. I don't think it will do it for everyone -- after I read it I was a fanatical convert/missionary for many years, only to learn, finally, that the truth will set you free only if you're ready for it.

Regardless, this is an interesting work in human psychology that anyone who desires more knowledge and insight into the human condition will find a profitable read.

It's all your mom's fault (you're dad is cool though)

I know those that love this book will just say I'm in denial. Fine.

For everyone else, I'll save you the time. There is a monocausal root of sexual fantasies, Nazis, depression, criminality, loneliness, booger eating, bed wetting and bad hair days - it's your mom. As long as the dad doesn't beat his kids, he's fine. Mothers on the other hand, if this book is right, have a lot to answer for.

If you don't believe me, look up "mother" in the Appendix and you'll find 18 references, many of them several pages long. Guess how many are under "father." That's a trick question because that word doesn't even rate one reference.

If you want to blame your overachieving, rapacious, narcissistic, prejudice actions on your mom, happy reading. If you think that's silly, grab something else.

Oh, and this book is not a book for helping you raise kids (as the title implies); it's about overcoming your "happy" childhood which wasn't really that happy when you think about it.

Alice Miller bu kitapta çocukluk acılarının ve çocuklukta halının altına süpürülen (tanınmayan) duyguların yetişkinlerin hayatında ne kadar önemli sorunlara dönüştüğüne dikkat çekiyor. Bu vurgu, bildiğim kadarıyla bugün pozitif disiplin/ebeveynlik alanının önemli bir parçasını oluşturuyor. Yani çocuğun yaşadığı duygular (davranışlardan farklı olarak) değiştirilemez. Ebeveynlere veya çocuklarla temas kuran yetişkinlere düşen duyguları olduğu gibi kabul etmek, çocuğun onları ifade etmesine ve tanımasına yardımcı olmaktır. Bu yaklaşımla Miller, kitapta özel bir tür çocukluktan ve bunun yetişkinliğe etkilerinden bahsediyor. Yetenekli çocuk ile kastettiği aslında karşısındaki ebeveyn figürünün hislerine duyarlı olan, bütün güçleriyle ebeveynlerinin isteklerini ve ihtiyaçlarını karşılamaya çalışan çocuklar. Miller’e göre bu çocuklar duygusal ihtiyaç halinde olan ebeveynlerini mutlu etmek için kendilerini hırpalar ve çocukluklarını yaşayamazlar. Devamlı başarılı olmak, düzgün davranmak, ağlamamak, kontrolü kaybetmemek için kendi duygularını bastırır ve sahte bir benlik geliştirirler. Başarı ve üstünlük duygusunun yetmediği, hayatın anlamsızlaştığı, çocukluk duygularının yüzeye çıkmaya başladığı zaman başlayan bunalıma kadar durmadan dinlenmeden çabalarlar. Böyle bir çocukluk geçiren yetişkinler, kendi çocukluklarını duygusuz/nötr bir tonda veya çok idealize ederek anlatırlar. Bu konuda Miller’in sanatçıların biyografilerinden verdiği örnekler çarpıcı. Özellikle Hesse ve Bergman'ın çocukluklarının somut gerçekliğiyle kendi açıklamaları arasındaki fark yüzümüze tokat gibi çarpıyor. Bunların yanında, çeviriden mi kaynaklanıyor bilemiyorum ama kitabın dili biraz yorucu. Hayatın ilk yılına verdiği aşırı önem, çocuk ve ebeveyn kategorilerin katılığı yer yer iddiasını fazla zorladığını düşündürse de (ya da umarım abartıyordur), bütün uslu çocuk-mutsuz yetişkinlere tavsiye edebileceğim bir kitap.

Probabilmente per la psicologia moderna alcuni concetti potrebbero apparire un po' datati perché l'analisi corrente ha superato il meccanismo dell'attribuzione delle "colpe" per la ricerca dei disagi emotivi.
Il testo resta comunque un caposaldo per chiunque voglia affrontare le debolezze del suo vissuto e le ripercussioni che possono aver generato difficoltà del vivere quotidiano.

"Non possiamo cambiare neppure una virgola del nostro passato, né cancellare i danni che ci furono inflitti nell'infanzia. Possiamo però cambiare noi stessi, , riacquisire la nostra integrità perduta."

۳.۵ در واقع
کتاب کوتاهی که به صورت علمی به بررسی نشانه‌های آسیب دوران کودکی در بزرگسالی می‌پردازه و برخی از این آسیب ها رو واکاوی می‌کنه. کتابیه که بر خلاف حجم کمش، سریع خونده نمی‌شه چون قراره حس های سرکوب شده‌ی زیادی رو بر انگیخته کنه ( حداقل برای من این شکلی بود)...
خوندنش کمک زیادی میکنه که دلیل برخی از رفتارها رو متوجه بشی. چه درخودت؛ چه در اطرافیان. برای من دردناک ترین بخشش، میل به تحسین بود... جمله‌ای از کتاب رو هرچند کوتاه توی ذهنم نگه داشتم برای یادآوری... که " تحسین با عشق برابر نیست"...

کتاب خوب، تاثیرگذار و قابل تاملی بود. به فکر واداشتم و حقیقتا یه مورمور ترسناکی توی وجودم انداخت تا بیشتر از این عمیق بشم. من تجربه های مشابه با روشی که نویسنده معرفی کرده رو قبلا تجربه کردم، هرچند حقیقتا تجربه‌ی دردناکیه اما در انتها رهایی‌بخشه. مورد بعدی اینه که باز هم علی‌رغم میلم به والد کودکی شدن، یک دلیل دیگه برای ترسیدن از این کار بهم داد. ترس از اینکه آیا می‌تونم کم‌ترین آسیب رو به یک انسان که تحت مسئولیت منه بزنم یا نه؟ و یک بار دیگه بهم یادآوری کرد که پرورش یک انسان کاری بشدت حساس و نیازمند آگاهی و آموزشه. ترجمه هم خیلی خوب بود! احتمالا در آینده بازخوانیش کنم.

I first encountered this book in the mid-80s, a year or two into my first serious psychotherapy, and it was as if all the lights suddenly went on in a previously dimly lit room. Although it's been a long time since I read The Drama of the Gifted Child, the shock of recognition - of the dynamics of my family, of my role in it, of the roles filled by my siblings, my mother, and especially by my father - became starkly revealed in a way no amount of discussion or dream analysis had approached. There's something compelling about how some authors can strip away the confusion surrounding a complex psychological set of interactions and lay bare the bones of it, and Miller did that for me in this book.

Labai abejojau ar kapstymąsis po savo vidų karo fone yra tai, ką turėčiau daryti. Bet miela Vita aka Vita Janas parašė labai įdomią frazę - galbūt tuomet, kai esame įsiaudrinę ir viskas iškilę į paviršių, yra tinkamiausias laikas, nes nebėra įprastinių saugiklių. Turiu pasakyti, kad labai logiška.

Alice Miller yra psichoterapeutė, kuri savo karjerą paskyrė vaikų traumoms. Ji išsamiai analizuoja kaip netinkamas suaugusiųjų elgesys traumuoja vaikus visam likusiam gyvenimui. Kalba eina apie fizines bausmes, manipuliaciją, vaikų išnaudojimą savo traumoms užkamšyti. Toks elgesys pažeidžia vaiko integralumą ir skatina atsisakyti savasties.

Turiu pripažinti, kad įdomi tema ir įdomus jos išvystymas. Knyga naudinga tiek, tiems, kurie jaučią turį tam tikras traumuojančias patirtis iš vaikystės, tiek kaip prevencija nedaryti atitinkamų klaidų savo tėvystės kelyje. Pateikiama ne tik teorinė medžiaga, bet išsamūs ir iliustratyvūs pavyzdžiai, kurie padeda geriau įsisąmoninti medžiagą.

once again a parent has given me a book meant to change my life that’s really about my partner

The Drama of the Gifted Child is one of those rare gems that isn’t afraid to cut deep into the heart of the psyche. Alice Miller, an esteemed therapist, explains that those who grew up with parents or caretakers that disrespected, neglected or abused them have developed a false sense of self. The child becomes molded into what the parents want them to be, rather than accepting the child for who he or she is. This is also true for those of us who were praised for our accomplishments rather than for who we really are.

Miller asserts that in order to reconnect with our true self, which here means our needs and emotions, we must confront and grieve the history of our painful childhood in the safety of the therapy. It is only once we allow ourselves to feel and understand our repressed emotions that we can begin to show up as our authentic self. This also allows us to break free from maladaptive generational cycles of behavior and hold space and unconditional love for our own children.

This is a fantastic and insightful book that unflinchingly peels back all of the layers. The Drama of The Gifted Child tackles a challenging and emotional subject with unparalleled clarity, grace and aplomb. At only 144 pages it manages to be both succinct and accessible. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to dive deep and get to the root of their problems once and for all.

for the people who seem to have it all yet hunger for so much.

this is not the psychopop of twelve-step, i-got-in-touch-with-my-anger-today, neurosis-no-more books. "gifted" here has nothing to do with what your school counselor/teacher told was gifted or talented. rather, the original german word refers to the ability to empathize and meet the needs of a parent figure--at the loss of your true self. while this gift might enable one to survive his/her childhood, the gifted person's unmet need to express without fear her true feelings and wishes lingers like a virus that wreaks a quiet havoc on one's sense of self throughout adulthood if untreated. this book offers the start of such treatment, best summed-up in a word: hope.

thanks to this book, i have a lot of hope. not to mention a keener understanding of a lot of the characters in my life--the good, the bad, and the ugly. we gifted types are everywhere.

Woof.

This is one of those books I've been hearing about for most of my life, and I finally decided to pick up a copy after it was mentioned in Sex Cult Nun by Faith Jones.

I made it all of about 8 pages in before I was like yeeeeah, I don't know about this. I skipped around a bit and read some reviews and it's definitely not what I was expecting. Things seem so over-simplified, and my "psychotherapy bs" senses are tingling.

Here is a quote from page three (page three!) to give you an idea of what I mean: "Women who allow their nipples to be pierced in order to hand [hang?] rings from them can then pose for newspaper photographs, proudly saying that they felt no pain when having it done and that it was even fun for them. One need not doubt the truth of their statements; they had to learn very early in life not to feel pain, and today they would go to any lengths not to feel the pain of the little girl who was once sexually exploited by her father and had to imagine that it was fun for her."

And it's like...alrighty then. Alice Miller was really itching to share her feelings about nipple rings. I'm not really here to argue whether or not self-objectification is empowering or whatever, but apparently all women with nipple rings were sexually exploited by their fathers? I feel like there's A LOT to unpack in nearly every paragraph I've read so far. To me this feels less like a self-help book and more like a window into Alice Miller's mind. If I was bored I'd probably be like, "Cool, let's jump in" but I have a lot of books I want to be reading right now so I'm gonna go do that.