Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less

This book is highly accessible and well-thought out. I liked the inclusion of specific guidelines backed up by extensive research rather than general ideas and advice. It's refreshing to find a book with relationship advice that does not neglect the importance of spiritual harmony in mates without being written exclusively for one religion. Some reviewers complain about the author plugging in eharmony.com too much, but this is present only in the introduction and appendix. This subject is very important to the author and he comes across as sincerely wanting to help people find their ideal mate.

This book is THE book I would have wrote concerning dating/courting. It basically asks you to examine yourself and narrow down who you are and who you believe you'll be compatible with. It sounds unromantic but if you've spent years leaving your fate to the stars without success, I think this book may identify why that is.

I feel like I have a good idea about how to date, what to look for, and what to watch out for. But, Dr. Warren, a clinical psychologist and tenured relationship counselor, almost describes a formula for finding a person you will fit together with well for the rest of your life. I found that this book will keep me in check whether I'm crazy about a girl, or doubtful. Emotions come and go. To get married or not to get married solely based on emotional feelings toward someone can turn into a disaster or a fantastic, but lost opportunity. Marriage is one of the most serious decisions made in life. So, knowing how to get it right should be sought after whole-heartedly and this book gives practical guidelines for finding your soulmate.

Know yourself
Know your Must-Haves and Can't Stands
Know the warning signs of unhealthy people
Know what questions to ask while you date
Know what 'league' you're in
Know which qualities stand the test of time and which fade in a few short years

I would recommend this book to anyone struggling to find Mr. or Ms. Right as it demystifies dating and helps you learn how to determine if someone is a good match.

Dr. Warren emphasizes the importance of knowing and understanding yourself first in order to determine what you are looking for in a mate. He then has you determine your 10 “must-have” and 10 “can’t-stand” qualities of a potential mate. After that you can evaluate how your date matches up with your “must-have” and “can’t-stand” lists.

Throughout the book, Dr. Warren gives a lot of helpful advice that is often forgotten or overlooked in the excitement of meeting someone new and intriguing. His methodology brings you back to the core purpose of dating – to find someone whose personality, lifestyle, and ambitions mesh with your own.

It all sounds pretty simple, but it’s not so easy to really narrow it down and figure it out more than just generally. This book makes you think and consider and reconsider. But in the end, you’ll become a wiser, more perceptive, and proficient dater that can tell relatively quickly whether a potential partner is worth your time, energy, and caring.

My good friend Fanny recommended the Neil Clark Warren (founder of eharmony) book “Date of Soul Mate.” I’ve never done eharmony and at this point, not planning to, but the book had a few sections that she wanted me to read. The book had been helpful to her, especially the section on creating a list of the top ten must haves/can’t stands in a potential partner. Over the years, I have fallen into the trap of meeting lots of very nice guys, who have not met my needs and it probably was because I had no idea what I even wanted. I also overlooked issues that were fundamental because I liked other qualities in the men that I was dating. This has lead to lots of good times, but nothing that has lasted. I don’t know how helpful this list will ultimately become, but it has helped me realize some trouble spots in previous relationships and hopefully will be a guide in the future. It’s a bit imperfect, probably could use some tweaking, but after a great deal of thought, here is the list, with verbage taken from the book, not my own.



Must Have

1.Communicator – I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.

2.Sense of Humor- I must have someone who is sharp and who can enjoy the humorous side of life.

3.Verbal Intimacy – I must know that my partner likes sharing his deepest emotional thoughts and desires.

4.Strong Character- I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.

5.Kind – I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.

6.Patient- I must have someone who can handle life’s frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady demeanor.

7.Conflict Resolver- I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts in our relationship.

8.Exciting – I must have a partner who isn’t afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.

9.Emotionally Healthy – I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone.

10.Adaptable- I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life’s surprises.



Can’t Stands

1.Cynical- I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective

2.Angry- I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their own anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.

3.Denying- I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault is his own actions.

4.Worrying- I can’t stand someone who easily looses perspective and constantly worries.

5.Hypocrites – I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for his actions and those of other people.

6.Victim Mentality- I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself as a victim.

7.Childish- I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.

8.Judgmental- I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

9.Undependable- I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.

10.Arrogant- I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.



I thought that this little exercise was the most value that the book had to offer, although I think that perhaps making a list is easier than it actually is to find a person who meets these qualities!

The other point that I thought was well made in the book was focusing on finding a person who is generally more similar to you, rather than the whole opposites attract.



I also want to add that I had a lot of bias that I had to set aside going into this book, especially with Warren constantly touting himself as a psychologist. Having him calling himself an “expert” due to being a psychologist made me put my radar up the entire book. I am highly suspicious of psychologists, but that being said, I think that Warren offered some solid advice and portions of this book are worth a read. I’m glad that my friend recommended this book.



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Simple and really helpful. Neil has laid down the complete flowchart for the reader, to how to get to know yourself first then to find your soul mate and have a beautiful life ahead.
It's a really helpful book for all the people who haven't found their soulmates yet. Or even for the one's who already have, but are facing problems with them.
This book would help you deal very well with them!

I read this book to help some of my friends who are trying to decide if the guy they are dating is "the one". I found it to be very interesting and I would highly recommend it!

A book that helps you understand yourself better to be able to recognize the personality traits that would make you happier. Is a must have if you are looking for a stable long-term relationship or just getting to know yourself better on that arena. Really good insight.