رغم إن شهادتي مجروحة بحكم إني لا متزوج ولا مرتبط، لكن يبدو الكتاب مهم جدا في بابه، ومهم جدا قراءته للمتزوجين أو اللي بيفكروا في الخطوة دي.
كتاب جميل جدا.

This is a read zonks ago, but really should be on my TBR to be read again. Good book.

I listened to this after reading many years ago. A little aged in relation to women keeping house etc, not intentional I don't think, but a good clear way to look at the emotional needs of your spouse, yourself, your kids.

Important to maintain good relationships and to work hard years after those in love, really on a high feelings pass.

Christain focused.

The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.

Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.

In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.

And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?

I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.

MM March 1, 2005

I had heard a lot about this book & decided to give it a go. It made A LOT of sense! It is all about improving your relationship with your spouse by showing your love to them in a way that resonates with them - which may be totally different than what would be meaningful to you. It was a very fast read, very easy to "get," and I have found it very insightful not only in expressing myself, but also in recognizing when my Jon Jon is being sweet to me. Sometimes it can be hard to tell. Am I right, ladies, or am I right??? Even better than reading it was getting Jon Jon to read it...he did!!! Those of you who know Jon, know it was quite a stretch to think he would read it, (have you heard him drone on about Covey?!!) but I let him know it was non-negotiable & it seriously only takes an afternoon. It was a fun challenge to try to pin-point which of the love languages we spoke. Perhaps more amazing than just reading the book is that Jon has, upon occasion, mentioned how he was specifically thinking of my love language when he did something for me. (!!!) Sweet, I know! It is such a small time commitment to read this & the concept will stick with you, so go for it!

My in-laws are always referencing this book, so I thought I would read it to better understand what they are talking about. There are many versions of this book now: for kids, for teens, for single people, etc. The version I would have preferred is: for atheists. Every time it quoted the bible, or asked me to consider my relationship with god, it was a real turn off for me. The useful information in this book could be condensed into a one-page comic.

Honestly, this could be a 5 star book, but the last 50 pages get really preachy. As in, "You are more likely to find and keep the love of your life if you already love Jesus."

The 5 love languages themselves were the best and most interesting part of the book. I was constantly thinking, "Of course! That's why this thing works and that thing doesn't!"

Now, if your partner happens to be a philosophy major...you might have more problems getting the ideas in this book across. There's not much in the way of "shades of grey" in this book. He says, as far as I can tell, ONE TIME that you could be "bilingual". Otherwise, you get one love language, and that's it. The rest of them will only kind of work on you.

That sweeps a lot of problems people have right under the rug, I feel.

All the same, my partner and I had some good conversations about this, and even though our relationship isn't anywhere near some of the disasters that are talked about in this book, I am sure it will help us never get to that point.

Recommended for anyone who has problems expressing love.

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I'm having a really hard time deciding on a rating for this. Objectively, it should probably be 3 stars. The author is very sure of his own importance and correctness throughout the entire book. At one point, he quotes a study saying that the "in-love" feeling lasts 2 years. That study is never mentioned again, but the in-love feeling lasting 2 years is quoted as truth from there on out.

Every conversation is stilted and full of "But Dr. Chapman! How could this ever work!" Well guess what, they came back 3 months later and called me a miracle worker!

Yes you are very special, Dr Chapman, good job.

I am afraid that someone reading this who has no background in psychology or philosophy or morality in general, would find it very easy to take everything he says at face value and not look beyond it. I am lucky to have a partner who wants to discuss things critically, but when he first brought up criticisms I got rather emotional and said I felt he wasn't taking me seriously.

Relationships are powerful things and I think this book could really help some people who want or need more from their love life. I just want everyone to go into this knowing that there's more here than meets the eye and to think about it.

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Update March 2, 2014

Although my star rating has steadily decreased, I am still finding myself referring to this book. Mostly it is internal, but I really do feel like I have been nagging my partner less. I hope he doesn't tell a different story, but I am TRYING.

I am bringing this book up again now because I just had a really great conversation with my dad. We don't see each other much (I hang out with my mom way more), and we have drifted apart over the years. He just took me out to lunch, where he mostly talked about his newest interest, bicycling on gravel. Which sounds absolutely horrible to me. We got to talking about my mom, and how she is obsessive when it comes to keeping the house clean. Like, it's not unusual for people to visit their home and ask if they just moved in because it is so spartan. They've lived there for 20 years.

That got me talking about my cleaning habits, which are nowhere near my mom's standards, but I do like the apartment being picked up and presentable. I've been working 60 hours a week for the past 4 months, with only one day off a week. I have been coming home, throwing my shit down, eating a quick frozen burrito, and flopping into bed because I just worked for 14 hours. Needless to say, the place looks like a disaster area within a day or two of me cleaning it.

Which brought me to my partner. It bugs me how much I've been working and how I feel he has been doing very little to help me around the house. Like even though I'm the one busting my ass, it's still my job to keep the place clean.

I told my dad all this, then mentioned how I had read this book. I briefly went over the 5 love languages. My mom's love language is obviously acts of service. It means a lot to her to come home to a clean house. Despite the anecdote above, mine is Quality Time. My partner's is physical touch. Then I said, "I'm not actually sure what yours is." It surprised me, but he actually looked thoughtful. This is totally not his thing, to talk about this kind of stuff. After a moment he said, "What means the most to me is that everyone in our family is always there. You can be flaky, but when I really need it, someone is there. It means a lot to me to be able to rely on that."

I kind of felt like crying, really, because my dad is not an open person, and I felt like him saying that was some kind of break through.

It doesn't really fit into any of the love languages, but I realized it doesn't really have to. This book is just a guideline, but it is still helping me define the love in my life.

سلس، واقعي، عملي.
وأفكاره لا تطبق على العلاقة بين الأزواج فقط؛ بل على العلاقات الإنسانية بشكل عام

n  “For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.

Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.” n

A valuable and insightful book that is worth reading.

It's been a while since I discovered the five concepts of love languages, but it was my partner during our early stages of dating who got me interested with the topic and looked for the author. I could say that at first it felt too bold as it requires knowing the other person's primary love language and also sharing one's own. And although it will not solve all of the problems in every marriage and intimate partnership, it provides wisdom and practical ideas on how to strengthen the very most important factor that revolves in all of the five love languages and in a healthy relationship: communication.

Each love language's concept is actually tricky, for it has a considerable amount of loopholes that can make it go wrong. But what made the book much easier to read and understand was that it provided examples that are realistic in the lives of couples, most of them grave and seemingly beyond mending. They were based from the author's experience as well as the couple he had encountered as a marriage counsellor.

Personally, I had fun reading the book. It has much deeper concepts than those articles I saw in the internet. I also knew that a person's love language can shift periodically, so it's actually really good to know all of them. It gives you not just lessons about how to act on your partner's needs, but also discovering what you actually need as a person in order to feel loved.

Recommended for anyone, whether it be single or in a relationship -- married or not.

I think the basis for this self-help book is good. I totally get the "love languages" thing. My husband's "love language" is Physical Affection and mine is Quality Time. I totally see that. But this is like a "Love Language For Dummies." It talks to you like you're an idiot who has never had basic human social interaction before. And there isn't really any advice, just this guy rambling on about how smart he is for figuring out that people need to be loved in different ways. Like, his advice for someone whose spouse (not partner, not lifemate, and - in this instance, always the wife) prefers "Acts of Service" as a love language (because wives love when their husband does the laundry for them, basically) is just that -- do the laundry without being asked. Well no shit. That's not real advice, that's common sense. And if the husband were to argue "I don't have time, I work a lot so that I can provide for my family" blah blah blah, he just says "WELL MAKE TIME." Super helpful, guy.

Not to mention the book is sexist and heteronormative. Unfortunately, I did a little googling on the author AFTER the fact, and of course it is, because he's a Bible beater. I wish I had known that before I wasted my $7 on the Kindle book. I'd really like to see this concept updated and brought into the 21st century, written in such a manner as to A) actually include all walks of life, not just middle class straight white married couples, and B) actually offer advice that can be applied to a relationship.

الكتاب فعلًا جميل ورائق
رغم انه عن الشركاء الا انه قراءته فعلًا مفيدة لفهم العلاقات كلها
اختلاف طرق التفاهم بين الناس وأولويات التقارب بينهم
لو أنت شخص مهم عندك الوقت وأهلك أو أخوك أو صديقك مهم عنده الهدايا مثلًا هتعرف ليش بينكم درجة كبيرة من عدم التفاهم
الكتاب لطيف وبنصح فيه فعلًا لاستيعاب اختلافات الناس

Interesting conceptually. Informative in the sense of learning about yourself and what you need from a partner. I’m sure that a lot of the advice might work.

But yo, if your relationship is done and you’re being un/underappreciated, you’re better off leaving that person. Religious advice in the last couple chapters towards dealing with a partner that “hates you” or that has expressed hate towards you turned me all the way off. Turn the other cheek, try to understand/befriend them doesn’t jive with me. But that’s me.

Trust and believe, Jesus doesn’t want you to remain in a relationship with someone who emotionally/mentally abuses and/or neglects you. Sharing your body with someone who makes you feel like you’re doing yourself dirty even if you are married to them is never the move. Those suggestions are radical in this respect.

Full disclosure, I know I’m not the target audience for this book. This was research on my behalf on intentionality, and understanding the human condition. I loved his advice on learning the love languages for interactions with your children, that part was dope and can be incredibly useful.

I loved this book! Before reading I had considered the premise to be very basic, common-sense knowledge and didn't think the book would tell me anything I couldn't have figured out on my own. Five love languages, not everyone speaks the same love language....ok, well as long as you know what they are, shouldn't have to read the book, right? Wrong. Gary Chapman's years of marriage counseling have brought him invaluable insights that EVERYONE should be privy to. I'm not just talking married couples, I'm talking parents, children, friends...anyone in any relationship should know this stuff. Chapman explains what each love language entails, and gives examples of some of the "dialects" in each language (for example, quality time may mean quality conversation.) And then he tells you very specifically what you can do to learn to "speak" each love language. There are books geared towards different types of relationships that are probably worth taking a look at, too...but this one is fantastic!