I highly recommend this book for ANY couple. Married, engaged, dating, gay, straight. It matters not. I even recommend it if you're single. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce, even separated, but after some counseling and reading this book it has helped us out tremendously! I bought a copy for my mom, sisters, and brother because I think it is that important to read his book and understand your significant others love language.

لطالما تساءلت لماذا ومع كل الجهد المبذول من احد الطرفين، يبقي الطرف الآخرغير مُقدرٍ لما يُعطى له بالشكل الكافي.. وفقط بعد قرائتي لهذا الكتاب أدركت الحقيقة. فكلٌ مِنا لديه لُغة الحُب الخاصة به والتي تساعد علي ملئ خزانه بشكل أسرع، علي عكس الأربع لغات الآخري.
كتاب مُفيد وملئ بالتجارب الحيّة .. حقًا أضاف لي الكثير.. وقد دوّنت العديد من الملاحظات والتي سأناقشها مع زملائي هذا الاسبوع ان شاء الله :)
جدير بالذكر أنه يُمكن للمرئ أن يمتلك أكثر من لغة، ولكن عند مُقارنتهم تجد أن هناك لغة مُعينة لها الأولوية بالنسبة لك.
كما أنه مُرفق اختبار لتحديد لغة الحب الخاصة بك، وقد وجدت ان لغتي الاولي هي الاتصال البدني، والثانية التشجيع :)
أنصح بقرائته قبل الدخول في أي علاقة تجنبًا للخسائر وتجنبًا لكلمة "ياريت" :D

من الكتب المختلفه فعلا فى مجال العلاقات الانسانيه ..بيشرح ازاى كل إنسان له اسلوب فى التعبير عن مشاعره وازاى بيحصل سوء تفاهم لما بنتعامل مع حد مش له نفس اسلوبنا او بكلمات اخرى مش بيتكلم نفس لغتنا فى التعبير ع مشاعره ..سهل وبسيط ونظرياته قابله للتطبيق على الاطفال

n  n

So, this is one of those rare books where it was five stars until literally the end and after that...I really just didn't feel comfortable giving this book a rating at all.

At its core, this book had a great message.

Across cultures and religions there's the underlying theme of finding love...but what about maintaining it? Nurturing it through the years?

That's where the 5 love languages comes into play.

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

The idea is that everyone has a love language, and what communicates love to one person might not necessarily be the same for the other.

And up until that point of the book I was loving the message and it resonated very deeply with me. This book was verbalizing something that I had noticed for years but just didn't have the words for it.

After all, who hasn't picked up on the fact that different people like different things?

To some people - tokens of affection (i.e. flowers, post-it notes with heartfelt messages and small surprises) are what shows that you care.

And to others - having someone take time out of their day to spend with you (ie doing chores together, playing a game, or going on a date) is what matters most.

Some people need to hear "I love you" or "You are beautiful" or "You are amazing" in order to know that the other person cares.

I also liked how the author explained that love is work, that it takes a conscious effort to manifest and that it makes all the difference.

And while there were a few moments that seemed a smidge sexist or had a misogynistic slant or got a bit heavy-handed with religion, I could take it with a grain of salt (remembering that the book was written in the 1990s and that those moments weren't the focus/core concept of the book).

It was really the last example in the book that rubbed me the wrong way.

Up until that point, the author would explain a concept, provide examples of it and an anecdote of how it works in real life. And yes those examples were sometimes a bit simplistic/rosy-colored but ultimately I feel like it worked well.

The last example of the book was supposed to be the "unsalvageable marriage" one that was the end-all-be-all test of the Love Language Theory.

And (spoilers ahead) Gary Chapman was able to save the marriage by letting the wife get...hmm...I don't know entirely if it would be categorized as rape but it was borderline enough to make me feel very, very uncomfortable reading it.

Now, I do think I should preface with this is just my interpretation of the woman's story and there very well might be further extenuating circumstances that I am yet unaware of that might sway me to Chapman's side n  BUT....n

Essentially the last woman in this book is being verbally and emotionally abused by the husband. We aren't given a TON of examples but it is heavily implied that this situation untenable - that the woman couldn't live like this anymore.

BUT she didn't want to get divorced because...reasons. Some religious but also part of her remembered her husband before he became so monstrous.

So Gary, after being assured that she is willing to do anything to save her marriage, discusses his "plan". Gary believes that her husband doesn't feel loved and that's why he lashes out.

The author and the woman go over the love languages. I don't remember what hers was but the husband's was physical.

Now physical love language can manifest itself in a few ways - could be that you just crave touch - hugs, hand-holding, resting head-on-shoulder during movies, or snuggling at night. Or it could be sex.

I'm sure you can imagine what the woman's husband wanted.

It boiled down to she felt horrible because of the way he treated her and didn't want to have sex with him which (according to the author) was the root of why the husband was so cruel.

So, the author devises an experiment.

The brilliant plan was for her to have sex with her husband - even though she didn't "feel" like she wanted to. And to stop her nagging him and essentially just pretend their marriage is going well.

I don't know if this is categorized as spousal rape because while it is clear that the woman doesn't want to have sex, she does go willingly to bed but that's only because Gary told her it is the only way to save her marriage and get her loving husband back. So. Maybe not rape but definitely made me feel awful for her.

But hey, it didn't matter anyway because her marriage is saved.

Now, I will admit that I am biased towards this example. I feel like there are just some marriages that aren't worth saving - and as soon as you cross the line towards sustained abuse, that's it.

And perhaps if the author had degrees in the field (Note: The author had MA in anthropology, masters in religious ed and PhD in adult ed but not in the field of question (clinical psychology/licensed therapist) (as far as I can tell)) or he had consulted with a professional...and if the only solution proposed was something other than "weekly sex with husband and stop complaining to him" I would feel differently but to me, this situation was serious enough to refer the woman to someone actually clinically trained to work with abuse victims opposed to armchair diagnosing the husband as sex-deprived.

Never does the author broach the subject of marriages that NEED to end in divorce. Never does he talk about what to do if you can't do it anymore. It felt like he was just pushing this love-as-the-only-answer narrative too far with that last example.

The ending just hit such a sour note for me - and I had loved this book so deeply before it.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

كتاب صغير في ١٨٠ صفحة يتحدث فيه الكاتب عن مفاهيم قد تساهم في تغير المناخ العاطفي لحياتك الزوجية مع شريك حياتك وماذا ينتج لو اكتشفت لغة الحب الخاصة بشريكك وتحدثت بها باستمرار؟

بسبب عمل الكاتب كإستشاري علاقات زوجية، عَرَض الكاتب نماذج ازواج و مدى التغير الجذري لحياتهم بعد فهمهم للغاتهم العاطفية واستخدامها

كلمات التشجيع والشكر واالاقرار بمجهودات الزوج/الزوجة
ام
تكريس الوقت للزوج/الزوجة
ام
تبادل الهدايا
ام
الاعمال الخدمية كغسل الصحون و قص الاعشاب وغسل السيارة
ام
الاتصال البدني

ايهم لغتك و ايهم لغة شريكك و كيف تملاء الخزان العاطفي للشريك، هذا مايقدمه الكتاب بترجمة سلسلة وبسيطة

I found this book useful without being preachy and guilt ridden. Gary Chapman is a marriage genius. I felt like I was in couple's therapy without paying hundreds an hour. He used Jesus as an example once, for anyone avoiding religious text.

As we all know marriage is hard and it is a daily choice to love but after the honeymoon bliss is over can we still have a happy marriage? Did the other person suddenly change or did we change without thinking about it?

There's so much static in our daily lives; work, bills, kids, money, climbing the social ladder, other people, resentment, exhaustion etc. We start to take our relationship for granted and it starts to surface as anger and hate.

So in 5 steps you find your way toward a more loving, enjoyable partner bc of the way you love him. Chapman doesn't promise easy; he promises a happier emotional love tank which can make the marriage reborn.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
QUALITY TIME
RECEIVING GIFTS
ACTS OF SERVICE
PHYSICAL TOUCH

Which fills you up? Which fills them up?

Side note: I discovered WORDS OF AFFIRMATION makes me feel loved.

His first is: PHYSICAL TOUCH and second QUALITY TIME

Oh my gosh my church has this book always on sale right outside of the sanctuary in the lobby!

The premise of this best-selling book is quite simple, but many of us haven't tried looking at our marriages this way. In short, people have their own, often unconscious way of expressing love and rarely do two spouses have the same "Love Language." This can cause trouble in a marriage because we may simply not understand the way in which our partner is expressing his or her love, even if s/he is trying really hard to express it and has NO idea we aren't getting it. In turn, s/he may not feel loved if we are "speaking a different language." Thus, we could be struggling for years and still be completely misreading each other.
To my surprise, my husband was actually willing to take the quiz at the end of the book with me, and we have had a FABULOUS few days so far. Just knowing which Love Language is most important to each other can make us happier, and an awful lot less frustrated.
Let's see if he keeps this up (nudge-nudge, wink-wink!).

A couple things that annoyed me: the author is a devout Christian and mentions his beliefs a little more often than I would prefer. And he is more than a trifle sexist. He's convinced that women mainly have sex for emotional reasons whereas men have a stronger physical need. In a word: bullshit. On the men's version of the quiz there is a question about "loving to have sex with my wife", but on the women's version, the wording is changed to "I love cuddling with my husband".
BAH HUMBUG to that! Dr. Chapman, sir, it is the 21st Century. Do you truly think that most women have that hard of a time admitting that they enjoy having sex?!
Poppycock and balderdash and Honey, puh-leeze! Dr. Chapman, I really do feel you, and I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you got my husband's attention, but you just lost yourself a 5-star rating for going on and on about the Gospel of Luke and for being stuck in the Victorian era in terms of gender differences.

In spite of that, I found the book readable, useful and, if my husband's behavior is any indication, very helpful.

**2014 Follow-up:
Still works for me. It helps just knowing that Mr. Gaijinpapa is trying to express love in his own way, which isn't my way, but hey I am me and he is he..so I appreciate his effort and I try to understand his way and do not try to change him. After 23 years, I think romance is all well and good, but marriage is really about patience and being willing to accept each other for who you are..I am still Royally Pissed Off about the Gender and Kinda Fundamentalist Religious stuff. Dr. Chapman, Sir, I maintain that women like to get some! Cuddles are nice too, and guys might be happier and healthier if society would allow them to admit that they too need to cuddle sometimes, but sometimes we ladies want..you know...It and why pretend otherwise?

I was recommended this book by my counsellor, and I have to be honest; it's way better than I expected.

This book is a great tool if you're looking for some "simple fixes". Keep in mind, all relationships take work. This book gives suggestions on how to help understand your partner's (and your own) love language. Love languages are the ways your partner feels "love" through the things you do, the things you say, and how you act. It's a very thoughtful idea that is simple in nature, but a little harder to do in practice. If you're feeling hopeless and just want some different ideas, this book is excellent!

I really liked the book because it felt like I was chatting with the author. It's very conversational and it's very to the point. There's "real life" examples of couples, and it sometimes seems too easy. Some of the situations definitely didn't resolve that easily, but I am guessing that the tips of trying to understand what makes your partner feel loved helped develop their relationships.

Is this the end all, be all way to save your marriage or relationship? No. Can it give you ideas to understand why your communication skills aren't on point? Yes. Maybe you don't realize that you partner feels loved when you run errands for them. Maybe you don't realize that your partner needs a lot of quality time, one on one. Lots of people can't see what's in front of them! This book is a great way to remind the simplicity of the 5 ways you can appreciate someone.

The book is uplifting and suggests that relationships can be mended (and they definitely can, in some circumstances). I do not think this will help everyone. I don't think this should be the way someone fixes their relationship (get counselling, the works as well as reading this book).

Are there negatives? Absolutely! The gender roles seem very... stereotypical. What housewife doesn't want to just be someone to does all the chores to make her husband happy? Gee golly! Men crave sex more than women do, in fact women don't normally crave sex at all! Men might cheat, but women can get over it. Yeah, lots of problems. And of course, only heterosexual couples are talked about. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt to say somehow in his whole career he ONLY dealt with heterosexual couples... It's a super big, ridiculous benefit of the doubt... But I'm hoping that's it. Oh, and a pinch of religion in there.

*If you can't sense my sarcasm in the last few sentences, please re-read and add a sassy, sarcastic tone.

Overall though, I enjoyed it. I think it's a great way to help teach people some basic concepts in a fun and engaging way.

Four out of five stars.

I struggle with rating this book anything more than one star because it is extremely heteronormative, misogynistic, and religiously restrictive. However, I think that these issues are the result of its author, rather than the ideas in the book. The concepts presented in this book, once I shook off their disgusting patriarchal rhetoric, were sound and Truthful. I honestly believe that Chapman discovered a fundamental aspect of love, which is a tremendous feat. When I got to the chapter which talked about my primary love language, I literally burst into tears and could not stop sobbing. For the first time in my life, I understood what love I craved most from the people in my life and, most importantly, I felt validated in that desire, like it was okay to want and ask for those things. I wasn't a freak. I was just speaking a love language that society tells me not to speak. Finishing this book was the first step in my ongoing journey towards transcending this societal expectation.

Here's the truth: I am a young woman, but my primary love language is Physical Touch. In Chapman's book, almost every example of couples shows a woman whose language is Acts of Service and a man whose language is Physical Touch. While the world around me, and even this book, told me that I shouldn't want physical affection as much as I do, the chapter on Physical Touch was like someone reaching out to tell me that it's okay to be who I am. My understanding of myself burst open and I felt like I was given permission to be who I am and love how I love. I am disappointed that so many of Chapman's own biases and clear stereotypes are included in this book, but it still helped me. If this book can help just one more person to accept themselves and ask for love in their primary language, then it is worth it to share my story in this review.

A few words of advice: Supplement this book with additional interpretations online and discussions with your significant other. Not everything Chapman says is good or right, but his theory can possibly open a door to other interpretations which work better for you than the opinions touted in the book.

Recommended, but with reservations.

After hearing so many rave reviews, I really wanted to like this book. I skimmed about half of it. I'm sure there is plenty of good stuff, but I got stuck on one small sentence in the "words of affirmation" section of the book.

"Girls are people who like to be affirmed verbally, just as men like to be affirmed verbally."

Hmmm. So the men are men and the women are....girls? And girls are people too?! I can't overlook it and I can't bear the misogynistic tone. Buh-bye Gary Chapman.

Ein kurzes Buch mit ganz viel Inhalt. Dabei ist der Inhalt eigentlich selbstverständlich, möchte man meinen. Man sollte seinem Partner zeigen, dass man ihn liebt und die Liebe nicht einschlafen lassen. Lob und Anerkennung, Zärtlichkeit und Hilfsbereitschaft gehören beispielsweise dazu. Eigentlich selbstverständlich, aber es ist gut und auch wichtig, sich dieses immer mal wieder ins Gedächtnis zu rufen. Dafür ist dieses Buch ideal; es regt zum Nachdenken und Reflektieren an.
Mir hat es sehr gut gefallen!