هل تعتقدين أنكِ مخدوعة بزواجك من شخص كان من المفترض أن يكون هو المناسب، ولكن بعد الزواج اتضح أنه مختلف تماماً وما كان يجذبك به قد اختفى ؟ هل بذلتي كل ما بوسعك كأم ولكن النتيجة لم تكن مرضية بالنسبة لكِ وفي أعماق قلبك تشعرين أنكِ أم سيئة ؟ حسناً لدي الجواب لكِ عزيزتي أو ح��ى لك أيها الرجل إن كانت لديك هذه التساؤلات بما يخص زوجتك أو حتى أولادك وكنت مهتم بالوصول لحل مناسب ومرضي لجميع الأطراف.

أولاً لنعلم أن الحل ليس بأن يضع الفرد اللوم على نفسه أو حتى على الطرف الآخر إن كان هنالك خلل، وربما لا علاقة للطرفين بما يحصل إنما هي اللغة المستخدمة للتواصل والتي يناقشها هذا الكتاب وسأوضحها بكل بساطة وسهولة.

إن كنت تتحدث الصينية ولكن شريك حياتك لا يجيد هذه اللغة بل لغته الأم هي العربية هل ستتمكن من التواصل معه وايصال مشاعرك العاطفية اتجاهه ؟ بالتأكيد لا سيواجه كل الطرفين العديد من الصعوبات إلى أن يتقن كل شخص لغة الآخر ثم يحدث التواصل بسهولة ويسر.

بإختصار هذا ما يتطرق له الكتاب ، فقد ناقش هذه اللغات الخمس كل على حدى بإيجاز وتبسيط مع ذكر قصص واقعية عالجها للعديد من الأزواج بوظيفتة كإستشاري للعلاقات الزوجية، كما سيشرح السبب الرئيسي في تغير شريك الحياة بعد الزواج ويوضح مرحلة الوقوع في الحب والحب والإختلاف بينهما.


الكتاب جمييل جداً ومفيد خصوصاً للفئة التي ذكرتها مسبقاً بالإضافة للفضولين أمثالي، في هذا الكتاب ستتمكن من معرفة لغة الحب الخاصة بك وبشريك حياتك وحتى بأطفالك وسيختصر عليك طريق طويل، كما ستستمتع بقصص الأزواج وكيفية تحول إخفاقهم لنجاح وحب.

*ملاحظة غير مهمة : أثناء كتابتي للمراجعة تذكرت قناة تميمة للدعاية والإعلان (كنت من أشد متابعينها في طفولتي ولا أعلم إلى الآن سبب حبي للدعايات في تلك الفترة) فالإسلوب يتشابه من ناحية الترويج والتسويق، ولكن هناك اختلاف واحد ان سبب المدح هو اعجابي بالكتاب وليس اي مقابل مادي تم دفعه

„Die 5 Sprachen der Liebe“ von Gary Chapman ist ein unheimlich gutes Buch, das ich am liebsten jedem in die Hand drücken wollen würde!

لماذا نبحث عن لغات الحب ؟
أليس شئ معلوما و واضح ؟
اليس جميع الرجال تتفق ان المرأة تحب الكلمات
و ان الشعراء و الروايات زادوا من صعوبة مهمة للرجل ؟
و اغلب النساء تتفق ان لغة الرجل الاولى هي العلاقة الحميمة اذن لما نتعب انفسنا في حديث.

إن ذلك من مورثنا الفكري الذي يجب ان نغير فيه قليلا لن نمحوه فتلك صحيحة عند بعض لكن ليس الكل.
و لذلك يجب ان نفهم انفسنا.
قبل بدأ في الحديث عن خرافتنا الخاصة بالحب.لنعود للوراء قليلا.
كان يا ما كان في قديم الزمان امير

إن ثاني أفضل شيء يمكن أن يقيم علاقة صحيحة بين الزوجين بعد المودة والرحمة هو أن يدرك الشخص كيف يفكر شريك حياته.
.
كتاب جميل جداً، رغم أن ما ذُكر فيه قد لا يبدو جديداً إلا أنه وبتوضيحه النقاط الأساسية والخطوط العريضة للعلاقة بين الزوجين وأولها كيف يعبر الشريك عن حبه واهتمامه يعد من أهم الأشياء التي يجب أن يجد الشخص وقتاً لها.

Buvo 2,5*... iki skyriaus Kaip mylėti nemylimą. Patarti moteriai likti su ją atvirai niekinančiu ir neapkenčiančiu sutuoktiniu yra kažkas... ultrakrikščioniško, tikra aukos liturgija. Nors esminė mintis (išreikšti meilę artimam žmogui suprantama kalba, stengtis ir prisitaikyti, būti dėmesingam) yra gera ir logiška, pati knyga pasenusi ir konservatyvi. Autorius mėgina pabrėžti, kad reikėtų nesilaikyti stereotipinių lyčių vaidmenų, bet vis tiek nuo puslapių dvelkia seksizmu ir mizoginija. Pačioje pirmoje pastraipoje, dėkodamas savo žmonai, autorius rašo: "Jeigu visos žmonos mylėtų kaip ji, mažiau vyrų dairytųsi į kitas moteris", taip vienu sakiniu vis tiek užkraudamas žmonoms emocinio darbo santuokoje naštą. Kuo daugiau galvoju apie šitą knygą, tuo didesnis pyktis apima, tai nebegalvosiu. :D

this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.

but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.

the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.

his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.

to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.

i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.

Reasons I read this book:

- It was free;

and on a slightly more embarrassing note

- I read blogs about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and every season someone very seriously mentions their "love language", and not even in a self-deprecatingly British way, which is really the only way to pull off saying, "my love language is words of affirmation". Just to be clear, I don't actually watch the television show, I just really enjoy reading blogs that analyse each episode and all of the delightfully ridiculous things that happen. When people question this life choice, I like to think that it's my flaws that make me human.

Now that I've hopefully sufficiently justified why I read this book, let's get to the content. As advertised in the title, this book is about five love languages. They are, in no particular order:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

That list should have come with a spoiler tag because it's all rather self-explanatory, and now there's no reason for you to read the book. I'm sorry. (I'm actually not really, but apologising just seemed like the polite thing to do here.)

The author implores you throughout the book to discover the love language of your significant other and then everything will be fine if you focus on meeting that one need. In my very humble opinion through knowledge gained largely by reading blogs on The Bachelor, I'd suggest being a bit more ambitious and trying to provide your partner with all these forms of love.

So, things I liked about the book:

- It's always nice to be reminded that one shouldn't be complacent in a relationship and you should remember to express your love.

- I like the very specific examples about how you can express love in various ways because I'm lazy and now I can just shamelessly steal ideas straight from the book.

Things that were bizarre:

- The author was rather self-promotional about this book in the book itself. He kept encouraging the reader to give this book to family and friends.

- The examples given about complaints wive and husbands had about each other were all very archaic (or rather I hope they are):

Wife: We never talk.

Husband: You should have dinner ready by the time I get back home.

Highlight of the book:

The author counsels a woman who was reluctant to be intimate with her husband anymore (it was a failing marriage) to initiate sex with her husband by leaning on Jesus and her faith. Here are some choice quotes:

“You will probably have to rely heavily upon your faith in God in order to do this. Perhaps it will help if you read again Jesus’ sermon on loving your enemies”

“You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit. I think that must be what Jesus meant.”

Holy crap!

جای بسی تعجب است که ریویوهای فارسی بسیار کمی برای این کتاب مهم وجود داره.
پنج زبان عشق شامل: ۱ کلام تایید آمیز ۲ وقت گذاشتن برای هم ۳ دریافت هدیه ۴ خدمت کردن به هم و ۵ ارتباط فیزیکی می‌شود. که یکی از آن ها زبان اصلی و بقیه زبان های فرعی هستند اما همگی برای ابراز محبت نقشی حیاتی دارند. گری چاپمن روانشناس و مشاور ازدواج آمریکایی، ادبیات خاصی از رفع نیاز عاطفی و مهرورزی در روابط را معرفی می‌کند که پیش از این شاید کمتر کسی از آن با خبر باشد. این‌که آیا ما و پارتنرمان زبان عشق هم را بلدیم و از این طریق به هم محبت می‌کنیم یا خیر بسیار مهم است. در واقع چاپمن عشق را راه حل نهایی رفع تمام نیازهای انسان مثل احساس ارزشمندی، توجه و امنیت می‌داند و معتقد است با استفاده از زبان عشق می‌توان مخزن عشق را در زوجین پر کرد و تمام احساسات نامبرده را تامین کرد. از نظر او عشق یک انتخاب است و بعد از فروکش کردن تجربه پرشور عاشقی در ماه ها و سال های اول رابطه، اگر نتوانیم به صورت انتخابی عشق ورزی کنیم رابطه دچار آسیب و حتی فروپاشی می‌شود. علت این‌که بسیاری از زوج ها گلایه دارند که چرا همسر یا پارتنرشان قدر کارهای او و محبت های او را نمی‌داند، احتمالا به این دلیل است که با زبان عشق اصلی و مخصوصش به او محبت نمی‌شود. در متن کتاب راهکار ها و مثال های جالبی هم برای شناسایی زبان عشق خود و همسر (پارتنر) معرفی می‌کند که بسیار کاربردی است. همچنین تمرینات و توصیه هایی برای به کارگیری زبان های عشق آمده که زندگی زوج های زیادی را نجات داده است. و همه چیز به تلاش و ممارست دو طرف بستگی دارد که چقدر بتوانند ظرف عشق هم‌دیگر را پر کنند.
دو بخش در این کتاب برای من مورد انتقاد است:
در بخشی از این کتاب آمده که می‌توانیم حتی به کسانی که دوستشان نداریم و از ما متنفرند هم عشق بورزیم؛ آن هم با تکیه بر معنویات! چاپمن مثال هایی از دین مسیح ارائه می‌دهد که چطور عیسی پای حواریون را در آب می‌شست یا هنگامی که او را مصلوب می‌کردند برای قاتلین و دشمنانش دعا و طلب بخشش می‌کرد. به زبان ساده‌تر معتقد است با مهربانی و صبوری می‌توان در قلب های سخت هم نفوذ کرد.
و جایی دیگر از کتاب که نوشته باید کارهایی که دوست نداریم ولی پارتنر ما آن ها را دوست دارد و زبان عشق اوست را حتما انجام دهیم. در واقع می‌گوید وقتی از عملی خوشمان نمی‌آید، انجام آن بیشتر مهر و محبت ما را می‌رساند.
در کل کتاب خیلی خوبیه و روش های بسیار جالبی برای یادگیری محبت کردن به کسانی حتی غیر از همسر یا پارتنرمون آموزش میده.

Before I start in on the reasons why I didn't like this book, let me mention the good parts of it. As someone who just got married, I value ideas about how to strengthen a lifelong relationship, and the book did have some good ideas. It's always good to be reminded that I should be looking for little things I can do to make my spouse happy, that even if I'm happy with everything in a relationship I should be checking in with my spouse to make sure he's happy too, etc.

I've always thought personality quizzes were fun and this book has a certain appeal because of that. There is something fun about trying to discover your "love language" and your spouse's, and see what that says about you both. Just to establish, the 5 Love Languages in the book are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. I can see how in certain instances, thinking about the love languages could strengthen communication in a relationship. For instance, if one spouse really communicates most strongly with physical touch but that doesn't come naturally to the other partner, they might feel unloved until the other partner learns to show love through physical touch.

Finally I appreciated how the book suggested mindful, practical ways to maintain a relationship over time. It talks a lot about the "in love" experience at the start of a relationship and how that's different than developing a lifelong, sustaining love. It reminded me of a quote from an Adrienne Rich poem: "I choose to love this time for once / with all my intelligence." To me, loving with intelligence means that once those crazy feelings of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship subside, and you and that other person start to see each other's flaws, to learn about them as an individual and not an ideal you've built up in your own head, you still choose to love them (or, if you see that they are abusive or mistreating you, etc., you choose to end that relationship and love someone else who respects you).

I think in a lot of our TV shows, books, and movies, there are two kinds of relationships: the young lovers who emerge victorious at the end of a romantic comedy, perfectly in love and just starting out with their lives, or the middle-aged married couple who nag each other and take it for granted that romance and sex are off the table permanently. It's kind of a sad pattern that I definitely don't want to be true in my own marriage. So to circle back to the book, I did appreciate that it was very practical about how to consciously nurture the love in a relationship; it doesn't assume that once the honeymoon is over, things will fall apart.

But I still gave this book a 1-star rating. Even though it brought Adrienne Rich to mind, Gary Chapman is no Adrienne Rich. It's kind of a bumbling mess written by someone with maybe a slight Jesus complex. I noticed that even though platonic love is discussed, every example of a romantic couple in the book is a heterosexual couple and the book presumes, consistently, that the only form of acceptable romantic love is between a man and a woman in a Christian marriage. It was also openly against open or polyamorous relationships. I understand because I am not interested in that for myself--but I wouldn't judge someone who wants a non-monogamous relationship, because it's all a matter of personal choice. I didn't like that the book assumes so much or that Chapman feels he can tell people what's best for them.

I also think too much emphasis is placed on finding your one true love language. Yes, I did just say personality tests are fun, but while reading the book I really connected with several of the love languages described almost equally. It's nice when my spouse compliments me, but it's also nice to hold hands with my spouse, or when he does the dishes for me, or gives me a gift, or when we spend quality time together; I can't really differentiate between the niceness of those different things. Yet the book really insists everyone has one love language and maybe one secondary love language. It smacks of someone trying to sell me something and I don't like that. It's also kind of creepy and weird to read about all these troubled couples who host Chapman in their homes for the night while he's traveling for seminars, just to beg him for marital advice. Reminds me of televangelists who prey on their flock. I'm wary of self-help books to begin with, I only read this one because I've heard good things about it, but it reinforced my view; I don't need to be sold on the idea of love or preached to about it.

My biggest problem, which came close to the end of the book, is one example Chapman gave of how the miraculous love languages work. A woman came to Chapman who was so sick of her marriage, she was on the cusp of leaving, because her husband didn't care about her at all anymore. All her friends were telling her to get out. She said she hated him and asked Chapman, "can you love someone you hate?" Which of course he decided to meditate on by reading the Bible. OK, I can dig it; the Bible has some good quotes and advice even if you're not religious. In fact I have no problem with the words of Jesus Chapman chose to share with this woman--love thy neighbor, treat others as you want to be treated, if you give a measure it will be returned to you until your cup runneth over, etc (I'm paraphrasing because, lazy).

OK so that's all fine. But then Chapman is all, "what's your husband's love language?" and she says "physical touch" and he's like "well you need to touch him and have sex with him more" and she says "but I don't want to" and he says "well yeah that will be hard but just think of Jesus" I AM NOT KIDDING. I laughed as my valuation of the book instantly crumbled before me into sad, atheist dust. It's not directly expressed in the book, but this lady basically hints that her husband is verbally, if not physically, abusive and at the very least totally negligent and uncaring. Well of course the suggestion works and he starts to come around and love her back in her own "love language" but any respect I had for the book disappeared at that point.

Also, even though as I've said I'm all for choosing love and loving with intelligence, some of the suggestions Chapman has are just laughable. For instance, every day you should ask your spouse "how full is your 'love tank' on a scale of 1 to 10?" and then if it's less than 10, you're supposed to do something to "fill their love tank." I'm sorry but I just can't with that childlike, pandering language. You can choose to love mindfully without teetering over into this totally clinical, almost bureaucratic method.

FINALLY, and this review is so long now I know nobody is reading at this point but oh well, all of the advice is totally directed at middle-aged couples who have basically fallen out of love, so a lot of it was not applicable to me. Also, a lot of the advice is the really basic flavor (listen to each other, give your spouse undivided attention, give your spouse little gifts or notes to remind them how much you love them) you could get anywhere, that honestly should just be common sense by the time you're married. And finally finally finally, the "love languages" are nice and all, but I can see so many instances where troubles can arise in a marriage that the love languages couldn't fix. For instance, disagreeing about money/family/politics, if one partner is downright abusive or uncaring or habitually cheating, if a partner withdraws to the point where they won't do anything to help fix the relationship despite how strongly you're speaking their "love language." The end. Phew.

Love is hard work. And, you need to understand what to do to please and show how much you love someone. This book shows you how to do it. People who are unwilling to change and try their best won't like it. But, if you are, read it.
When loving someone, do your best so you won't have any regrets in the future.
The ideas and concepts here aren't only for partners but will benefit any kind of relationship you have.

Mi-a placut foarte mult, m-a facut sa reflectez la milte aspecte din casnicia mea si din felul cum vedem noi iubirea. Sper pe viitor sa pun in practica ideile ce mi-au placut.
O recomand tuturor, aduce multe raspunsuri si personal m-a facut sa ma analizez pe mine si ce anume imi umple mie rezervorul iubirii ❤️

You can read any one of the Five Love Languages and get the just of the books. It teaches you how to identify your love language and those around you. What the author states is that everyone has a major love language (love cup to be filled) as well as a minor love language. You really begin to understand why some people, including yourself, will do certain things. For example, my youngest son's love language is service. He brings me a cup of water to bed because he knows I drink water thru out the night. He likes to serve and in turn he likes to be served. That's just one example, the book explains it better.