Miller presents a solid theory with some difficult truths, but at time the narrowness of her idea turns into a sort of tunnel vision with sweeping generalizations that are far too much. She gets carried away with herself and disregards other influences, other options. I always bristle at any theory that attempts to explain everything with a single reason or cause, especially in the complicated matters of psychology or human emotion. Regardless, the clarity of her presentation makes this an easy read, and Miller's ideas have a great foundation, doubtless a benefit to many, many people.

(There were, however, times when I felt an equally apt title would have been, "Yes, you really are fucked up, no matter what you think, and it's all mommy's fault!" I'm fairly certain that my parents' toilet training techniques contribued nothing to why I'm a hot mess. In fact, I'd be willing to bet their success in that endeavor has significantly aided me in my quest to be anything other than a filthy hermit. Just sayin'. That part made me choke on my tea.)

Two quotes from the book that I really liked:

"The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality--the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings." [p. 61:]

"...I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth...because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn't mine, that I didn't want, and that I was ready to throw away." [p. 62:]

"Το τι κάνουν οι ενήλικες στην ψυχή των παιδιών τους είναι καθαρά δική τους υπόθεση, γιατί το παιδί θεωρείται ιδιοκτησία των γονέων του με τον ίδιο τρόπο που οι πολίτες ενός ολοκληρωτικού καθεστώτος θεωρούνται ιδιοκτησία της κυβέρνησης. Μέχρι να ευαισθητοποιηθούμε όσον αφορά τον πόνο των μικρών παιδιών, αυτή η άσκηση εξουσίας από τους ενήλικες θα θεωρείται μια φυσιολογική πλευρά της ανθρώπινης
συμπεριφοράς, αφού σχεδόν κανείς δεν την προσέχει ή δεν την παίρνει στα σοβαρά. Επειδή τα θύματα είναι «απλώς παιδιά», υπεραπλουστεύουμε το άγχος και τη στενοχώρια τους."

Μια σπαρακτική έκκληση προς τους (πλέον) ενήλικες που κακοποιήθηκαν, είτε σωματικά, είτε ψυχικά με ποικίλλους τρόπους, με αναγκαστική αναστολή των συναισθημάτων τους, για να θρηνήσουν τον εαυτό που δεν αγαπήθηκε για αυτό που ήταν, ως παιδιά

It's all your mom's fault (you're dad is cool though)

I know those that love this book will just say I'm in denial. Fine.

For everyone else, I'll save you the time. There is a monocausal root of sexual fantasies, Nazis, depression, criminality, loneliness, booger eating, bed wetting and bad hair days - it's your mom. As long as the dad doesn't beat his kids, he's fine. Mothers on the other hand, if this book is right, have a lot to answer for.

If you don't believe me, look up "mother" in the Appendix and you'll find 18 references, many of them several pages long. Guess how many are under "father." That's a trick question because that word doesn't even rate one reference.

If you want to blame your overachieving, rapacious, narcissistic, prejudice actions on your mom, happy reading. If you think that's silly, grab something else.

Oh, and this book is not a book for helping you raise kids (as the title implies); it's about overcoming your "happy" childhood which wasn't really that happy when you think about it.

While this is a really important topic and some of the ideas put forward are very relevant, I am not a fan of this book. I find that this book is poorly structured and written. Reading it was more like treasure hunting for relevant snippets of information that I would find useful. In particular, I did not like how the author - without a warning or possible reason- kept switching between a discussion of the therapist-patient relationship and then again the mother-child relationship. I often felt like the book was more like a stream of thought, which often led me to lose track of the argument. I was almost confusing at times because suddenly the therapist-patient relationship was addressed when really the mother-child relationship and the drama of the child was the main topic. I kept wondering who the primary audience of the book was supposed to be: the therapists, the children, the parents? I wish this book was rewritten and restructured to make the overall argument much clearer. Such as for example, 1) symptoms of drama in a) gifted children and b) in adults, 2) what drama in the mother-child relationship looks like during childhood, 3) underlying causes for the drama of gifted children, 4) identifying and healing drama of gifted children, and 5) the role of the therapist in healing the drama in gifted children.

I first encountered this book in the mid-80s, a year or two into my first serious psychotherapy, and it was as if all the lights suddenly went on in a previously dimly lit room. Although it's been a long time since I read The Drama of the Gifted Child, the shock of recognition - of the dynamics of my family, of my role in it, of the roles filled by my siblings, my mother, and especially by my father - became starkly revealed in a way no amount of discussion or dream analysis had approached. There's something compelling about how some authors can strip away the confusion surrounding a complex psychological set of interactions and lay bare the bones of it, and Miller did that for me in this book.

I read this in my mid-30s and at the time, I found this to be the most helpful book I had ever read. Narcissism is fully explained - though many may think that is just another word for self-centeredness - in its many complexities. The title is misleading and apparently renamed for marketing purposes. The child who is victimized by the Narcissist is gifted because they deal with such heavy challenges and become over-sensitive to others' needs, always eager to please, while suppressing their own self-knowledge, emotions and needs.
The book described my life in extraordinary detail, it was a catharsis to see expressed what I never could have spoken. There were a few details that did not match my life for sure, but on the whole, this book freed me.
The book describes the extraordinary behaviors, symptoms, resulting characteristics in both the Narcissist and the victim.

Too you can't explain away a person with just one cause, and no one is a pure Narcissist, nor should anyone be a total victim.

The biggest drawback to the book is that after reading it, being enlightened and more aware of Narcissistic behavior and the stunted growth of the victims...you then say: then what?
Alice Miller never ever talks about forgiveness or how to overcome being victimized, stuck in indignation. Learning the exercise of gratitude and forgiveness is the only way to beat the despair of self-pity.

Today if I read it, I might take exception to the Freudian slant, to her constant complaining, to her utter atheistic outlook - but at the time I read this book, I was in no shape to weigh those kinds of things.

"بدون دادن مثال هایی ملموس،توصیف اینکه افراد چگونه با حقارت های دوران کودکی کنار می آیند بسیار دشوار خواهد بود.من مطمئنا با کمک مدل های نظری میتوانم مکانیسم های دفاع�� گوناگون را (مخصوصا مکانیسم های دفاعی که در نقابل احساسات به کار کرفته میشوند) شرح دهم.اما با اینکار نمیتوانم آن فضای احساسی را بوجود بیاورم که به تنهایی رنج های فرد را به نمایش میگذارد و در نتیجه همذات پنداری و دلسوزی خواننده را به همراه می آورد.با مدل های نظری،ما درمانگرها خارج از معرکه باقی میمانیم و از آنجا در مورد دیگران صحبت میکنیم... ."ص 141
همونطور که میلر در این صفحات رو به پایانی گفته این کتابی برای اثبات نظری تاثیر دوران کودکی بر رفتارهای فرد نیست و قصد چنین کاری را هم ندارد.او در این کتاب مثال هایی همه فهم در این باره می آورد.مثال هایی که حداقل در چند تای آنها کودکی خودمان را مییابیم و میبینیم که چگونه رفتارهای همین چند ساعت پیش ما تکرار رفتارهای کودکی مان (برای راضی کردن والدین یا ...) و یا مقابله ای برای تکرار نشدن احساسات آن موقع است. "به احتمال زیاد،عمیق ترین زخم ها-مثل دوست داشته نشدنِ خودِ واقعی ما- بدون پذیرش آگاهانه ی آنها التیام نخواهند یافت.ما یا میتوانیم (مانند افراد خودنما یا افسرده) با این زخم ها مقابله کنیم و کم و بیش روی آنها سرپوش بگذاریم یا کارهایی میکنیم که این زخم ها تکرار شوند و مدام سر باز کنند." اما جامعه در مقابل این زخم ها تنها کاری که میکند پوشاندن آنهاست. با توصیه های اخلاقی،مذهب و ... پیش از انکه درد ما را بفهمد از ما میخواهد که اگر زخمی از طرف والدین دیده ایم آنها را ببخشیم و به احترام به انها ادامه دهیم. اما این تنها باعث میشود زخم هایمان را انکار کنیم ،حال آنکه ناخوداگاهمان از آن رنج میبرد و در رفتارهای روزانه بروز پیدا میکند.
ما برای نگه داشتن عشق والدین به خودمان احساساتی از خودمان را سرکوب کرده ایم."این افراد مهارت واپس راندن احساساتشان را کسب کرده اند،چون کودک هنگامی میتواند احساساتش را آزادانه بروز دهد که شخصی در کنارش باشد و او را به طور کامل بپذیرد و همچنین درک و حمایتش کند.اگر آن شخص در کنار کودک نباشد و اگر کودک مجبور باشد به خاطر بروز احساساتش خطر از دست دادن عشق مادر یا عشق جایگزین مادر را به جان بخرد،به طور قطع احساساتش را سرکوب میکند."ص 50 "آنها فقط به احساساتی اجازه ی بروز میدهند که سانسورچی درونشان،همان ویراث والدینشان،تاییدشان کرده باشند." ص60
"آسیب های دوران کودکی جبران ناپذیرند،چون نمیتوانیم هیچ چیزی را در زندگی گذشته ی خود عوض کنیم.اما به طور حتم تگمیتوانیم خودمان را تغییر دهیم.میتوانیم آگاهانه و با نکاهی دقیقتر،به اطلاعات اتباشته شده در بدنمان بنگربم و این اطلاعات را به سطح خودآگاهمان نزدیکتر کنیم و در نتیحه سلامتی مان را بهبود بخشیم و یکپارچگی روانی از دسته رفته مان را بازیابیم. ... تنها با انجام این کار است که میتوانیم به انسان هایی آزاد تبدیل شویم. بیشتر افراد دقیقا عکس این را انجام میدهند. آنها از آکاه شدن از زندکی گذشته شان سرباز میزنند،بدون اینکه بدانند زندگی گذشته انسان ها مدام نحوه ی فعالیت های کنونی آنها را تعیین میکند."ص42
و این احساسات فروخورده باعث چه رفتارهایی در ما میشوند؟کِی و چگونه هر از گاه از زندان های خود بیرون می آیند و خود را نشان میدهند و دوباره برمیگردند؟و یا پیش از آنکه خود را نشان دهند،در ما،خود را به در و دیوار میزنند و راهی به بیرون نمی یابند.
نه وقتی که کتاب دستم بود،اما در طی روزهایی که این کتاب رو میخوندم دوران کودکی ام جلوی چشمانم بود،علت بعضی از رفتارهای امروزم را متوجه شدم،شباهت های رفتارهای امروز و کودکی ام و گاه دقیقا واکنشی برعکس در مقابل آن رفتارها،به خاطر ترس از چیزی که به نظرم آن رفتار برایم به وجود می آورد و در نهایت شبی آنقدر هجوم آورد این افکار که گریه کردم،به نحوی که انگار دقیقا در کودکی ام.

By encouraging grown adults to see themselves as permanent victims of their childhood, this book casts a long shadow. Andrea Dworkin said all sex is rape; Alice Miller says all parenting is abuse. And if you think you had a happy childhood, or have something positive to say about your parents, well clearly you need to go to therapy to dispel that false consciousness.

One example she gives of abuse is a father not giving up his ice cream stick when his two year old son throws a tantrum. Just ridiculous.

This book really irritated me. Being human is just a lot more complex than Miller allows.

Woof.

This is one of those books I've been hearing about for most of my life, and I finally decided to pick up a copy after it was mentioned in Sex Cult Nun by Faith Jones.

I made it all of about 8 pages in before I was like yeeeeah, I don't know about this. I skipped around a bit and read some reviews and it's definitely not what I was expecting. Things seem so over-simplified, and my "psychotherapy bs" senses are tingling.

Here is a quote from page three (page three!) to give you an idea of what I mean: "Women who allow their nipples to be pierced in order to hand [hang?] rings from them can then pose for newspaper photographs, proudly saying that they felt no pain when having it done and that it was even fun for them. One need not doubt the truth of their statements; they had to learn very early in life not to feel pain, and today they would go to any lengths not to feel the pain of the little girl who was once sexually exploited by her father and had to imagine that it was fun for her."

And it's like...alrighty then. Alice Miller was really itching to share her feelings about nipple rings. I'm not really here to argue whether or not self-objectification is empowering or whatever, but apparently all women with nipple rings were sexually exploited by their fathers? I feel like there's A LOT to unpack in nearly every paragraph I've read so far. To me this feels less like a self-help book and more like a window into Alice Miller's mind. If I was bored I'd probably be like, "Cool, let's jump in" but I have a lot of books I want to be reading right now so I'm gonna go do that.

کتاب خیلی خوبی حرف بود. حرف اصلی کتاب این بود که باید دست از توهم و توجیه برداریم و قبول کنیم آسیب دیدیم. قبول کنیم که خودمون و دیگران به خصوص پدر و مادر در دوران کودکی بهمون آسیب زدند و جرات کنیم این آسیب رو افشا کنیم بدون ترس از دست دادن و دوست داشته نشدن.
کتاب میگفت ریشه تمام گرایشهای افراطی دقیقا همین ترسه و تلاش برای اینکه آسیب دیدگیمون رو مخفی کنیم.
...
یکی از بحثهای اصلی دیگه ی کتاب هم این بود که پدر و مادری که به آسیبهاشون آگاه نشدن از بچه هاشون برای مخفی کردن این آسیبها استفاده میکنند و اکثر بچه ها برای از دست ندادن حمایتهای والدین تا آخر عمرشون گاهی اجازه میدن که ازشون سواستفاده بشه و بعد دوباره همینها رو به بچه ی خودشون منتقل میکنند.
ارزش خوندن داشت البته برای کسایی که با خود خود خودشون هنوز کنار نیومدن.

"The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven's lieutenants.” - William Shakespeare

Psychology writer and therapist Alice Miller's classic book is a must read for anyone who has a interest in psychology and childhood trauma/abuse. Written in 1978, it is brilliant and life-changing at little over one-hundred pages.

The author, Alice Miller was forced to live in Warsaw as a Jewish girl living under a false name in World War Two. She was a victim of the holocaust and never recovered completely from it as her father died in the Warsaw Ghetto. Alice was never able to completely talk about her devastating experience with her friends and family. She spent her life and career trying to understand how the German people could have followed Hitler and went along with his murderous plans.

In her outstanding book, she delves into childhood and how your parents behavior has shaped you. It is very painful in that she insists that the reader must accept their parents behavior and accept it for what it really is. She also makes you examine your own parenting. I really liked that part where she discusses children having to repress their own needs to appease their parents. She also comes down very hard on society and believes that all criminals were infants/children who were emotionally, sexually or physically abused and repressed it. An unwanted child leads a life of despair and furthermore is most likely incapable of love.

When you read this book, you will come face to face with your own childhood and start the journey to your own story. This is a book you might find yourself reading and processing, a few times over the years. This is a four plus star book.

This is the best book I have ever read. Do not be fooled by the title--the original title of the book was "Prisoners of Childhood," and I believe the publisher talked the author into changing the title so that proud parents would want to buy the book. As a marketing ploy, it worked. But it's really not about "gifted children" in the contemporary sense, which is often about ratings and education. It is about the most important issue of our time: raising children.