n  Love: User's Manualn

Do you remember the bunch of books Bridget Jones used to carry about in order to make sense of her weird and chaotic life? One of them was just this one, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and because of its longish and kinda stupidish, funnyish title, I assumed, when I saw the movie, it was merely an amusing invention to go with the giddy thirtish female character (as you can see I’ve just discovered magic of the “-ish” suffix in the economy of the text).

So imagine my surprise when I found the book was real (hey, in my defense, what I recall happened some eight years ago!) and very famous (according to Wikipedia it sold millions of copies). Meanwhile I’ve heard and read a lot of allusions at and quotes from this book but although I bought it by mild curiosity from an antique book store several years ago, I’ve let it collect dust on my to-read shelf, for it was always another book more inciting to choose. Until now, that is.

I have to confess that, since I am not a great believer in such magic recipes, I’ve never come round this kind of relationship guides until now – they seem to me a little fraudulent in their pretense that they can solve major problems of the human soul and/ or behaviour by providing some general advice similar to those that help you understand how to make work a certain device. Consequently, my motivation for reading has been right from the beginning mere curiosity and a suspicion that, with such a title, I would have fun. Which indeed I’ve had, but when all was laughed and done, I found it, unexpectedly, quite sad. What a difference between this book, with its pitiful pretense of psychological study and great books on the same subject (although not “practical guides”) like Denis de Rougemont’s Love in the Western World for example. And if you think I am unjust by comparing grapes and tomatoes so to say (for everybody takes care not to compare apples and oranges) I will tell you that this is the very core of the problem: for such a book to gain an almost religious halo, it needs readers without much psychological depth, who think of themselves only as machines waiting to be fixed, should the right tool be found.

My daughter has been playing for many years now a computer game called Sims. If you are not familiar with it, I can tell you it is about a virtual family you grow up, build a home for, send to work and so on. Some time ago she told me, amused, that once she forgot to send one of them to pee and although he had become increasingly uncomfortable he couldn’t go to the bathroom by himself, he had to wait (and grimace, and dance, and lose self-esteem points) until she saw him and directed him to the toilet. Doesn’t it seem to you lately that we live in a Sims society, waiting to be told when, how and what to do? Helpless when let alone, unable to understand the others, unable to understand ourselves anymore without a self-help at hand. In aching need of statements like “A man sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results” or “A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships” which we don’t bother even to verify, so they seem the answer to all the problems.

And the sadness of all this it is that nobody thinks it demeaning to find oneself reduced to a mere stereotype: man is action, woman is feeling, man is silence, woman is talk, man is a rubber band, woman is a wave, etc., etc., etc., on the contrary feeling strangely comforted to be offered universal solutions like Love Letter techniques (oh, yes!), scoring boards, emotional tables and even a “Venusian/ Martian phrase dictionary” which teaches you how to speak your man/ woman language:

“We never go out” translated into Martian means “I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out.”

I won’t bother to talk about the platitude of the above-quoted “translation”, but I cannot help expressing my dismay that millions (millions!) found it useful in improving their relationships, as though otherwise they could not understand a hyperbola or a hint or whatever. Besides, the book is full of such pearls of wisdom, many beautifully framed to easier be found in the rush of a matrimonial crisis:

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

Or:

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

Or:

Never go into a man cave or you will be burned by the dragon!

Nor will I talk about the kind of ridiculously mixed metaphors the book is full of (I’ve just given you an example); I will only jump to the final chapter with its involuntary humour, chapter that pretends that this is the one and only way to keep alive the magic of love. What magic? Love is not, to use a Stendhalian appellation, passion or vanity, it is not mannered or physical. Not anymore. Love is a tank of gas which any Venusian expects to be filled by her Martian. Correctly, I mean. Whence the utility of this book. To whom it may concern.

UTTER ROT!!!
The book shows men as creatures with very fragile egos and women as over sensitive.
Men & women communicate differently, maybe, but some of the "theories" are really wrong.

Like women talk problems for your empathy or sympathy, for the sake of talking it out and that they are not looking for a solution. Then, talking wouldn't make sense would it?

Like men hate being told how to fix the fuacet, or how to find the way...

This book has OUT-Dated views. I regreted reading it!

My biggest problem with the book is that it is extremely sexist. The book continually explains that this is just how men are, and then goes on to explain how women can learn to deal with that. Biggest load of crap ever. While some people will certainly fall into these stereotypes, I believe this book may cause more harm than good.

Some of the sexist highlights:
-a woman should go shopping when her man decides that he needs alone time (this is how she can show him her love and trust) {apparently women were able to spend more time shopping when they lived on Venus, because the planet was “covered in shopping malls.”)
-a man can leave anytime he wants – in fact, he cannot even control when it is that he may need to leave
-a woman is unfairly punishing a man if he leaves even when she really needs him and she then acts upset or hurt in the slightest upon his return

Gray thinks that only women are needy, and that only men need to be alone. Not so. Apparently, Gray thinks that women only ever want to be with their men, and nothing more. Well, that is simply not true for most independent, capable, and informed women.

But that is beside the point. Let’s assume that it is true. What bothers me even more is that Gray identifies the different needs of men and women (men need space; women need someone to listen to them/emotional attachment), but he then goes on to explain that when both men and women are experiencing their needs at the same time, the woman simply must concede to the man’s needs. Gray explains that *whenever* men need to be alone, that is just the way it is. There are no compromises. In his book, a woman, Cathy, asks the question: “If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?” And here is the answer: “What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back – when he is truly capable of supporting here.” That is simply ridiculous. What a woman gets is *whatever* her partner can give at the time. A woman just must let the man have what it is he needs, regardless of her needs at the time. I’m sorry, but being in a relationship requires selflessness, and that means that both men and women have to give more than what our selfish natures think we can handle.

While I’ll admit that some of Gray’s advice is helpful (insofar as the individuals in a given relationship fall into Gray’s stereotypes), they simply are just not that profound. Essentially, “if you listen to women and try not to take them for granted, your relationship will be better.” Well, no kidding.

The book just seemed full of perplexing thoughts. For example: “Men rarely say ‘I’m sorry’ because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing.” Well, even on earth, I was under the impression that when you are apologizing, you say sorry. I don’t know why the definition of sorry would somehow explain why men would be less able than women to say it.

In the chapter about how to score points with the opposite sex, there is a list of 101 things a man can do such as bringing her flowers, listening to her, complimenting her, calling her, etc. Most of them are good, even if obvious suggestions; nonetheless, Gray’s view of women as subordinate still creeps in. My favorite thing a man can do to score points with a woman is #67: “read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.” Good idea. Because I can’t read, and even if I could, women don’t read newspapers. Come on! Even more upsetting is that the corresponding list of 26 things that a woman can do to “score big with men” involves NOT doing things. For example, he makes mistakes, and she doesn’t say anything; “he disappoints her, and she does not punish him.” There are only a few things that a woman can affirmatively do to score points, one of which is “she really enjoys having sex with him.” Again, women are largely the passive actors.

I’ve wasted far too much energy and time already on this book. It is now dead to me.

Fortunately perfection is not a requirement for creating great relationships

Gender insight helps us to be more tolerant and forgiving

Men often need to go to their cave to recharge from the day

Women generally have a greater need to share feelings as a way of coping with stress

Men complain, "she is over-reacting", women complain, "he doesn’t listen"

I started to realize the true meaning of love -- unconditional love

I didn’t know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her

It is never too late to increase the love in your life

You only need to learn a new way

We expect the opposite sex to be more like us

Men mistakenly expect women to think

Women mistakenly expect men to feel

Men mistakenly offers solution and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction

Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished

Men are like a rubber band

Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative

Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever

But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over

We come demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant

By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered

Women are like home-improvement committee

He resists. She persists

A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings

Achieving goal is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence

On Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution

A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and quality of her relationships

Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers and restaurants

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress

Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved

To feel better Martians got o their caves to solve problems alone

To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems

A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood

Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions

To forget her own painful feeling a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others

Martians have a win/lose philosophy

Venusians communicated louder and clear: "Together we could live in great happiness"

Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man

On Venus, they lived by a lose/win philosophy

Today they are happily married with three children: Motivation, Responsibility, and Practice

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent

Just as the women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving

The Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings

Expressing feeling vs. expressing information

Women: we never go out

Men: that's not true

Women: everyone ignores me

Men: I'm sure some people notice you

Women: I'm so tired

Men: that’s ridiculous. You're not

Women: I want to forget everything

Men: if you don’t like your job, then quit

Women: the house is always a mess

Men: it's not always a mess

Women: no one listens to me anymore

Men: but I'm listening to you right now

Women: nothing is working

Men: are you saying it is my fault?

Women: you don’t love me anymore

Men: of course, I do. That’s why I'm here

When a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support

She doesn’t directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request

Women talk to convey or gather information

Men talk to explore and discover what is she wants to say

He hates to be pitied

Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions

Good communications requires participation on both sides

Four magic words of support: "it's not your fault"

A man pulls away to fulfil his need for independence and autonomy

When he is fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again

Woman obstruct her partner (1) by chasing him when he pulls away (2) punishing away for pulling away physically, emotionally and mentally in both cases

A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion

When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down

Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset

Men want space while woman want understanding

Men and women need to receive:

Women: caring

Men: trust

Women: understanding

Men: acceptance

Women: respect

Men: appreciation

The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him

Give trust and not advice

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him

While the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior

Don’t argue but negotiate and discuss pros and cons

Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing

Four F's for avoiding hurt:

Fight, comes from Mars

Flight, comes from Mars

Fake, come from Venus

Fold, comes from Venus

To a woman the little things are just as important as the big things

I pretend in my mind that my wife was my most important client

I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my ability to inspire trust in others

Venusians idealize unconditional love

Martians give when they are asked

Men mistakenly assume that as long as she says yes to his needs and requests, she is receiving equally what she wants

Penalty points are destructive to relationships

Writing down your feeling is an essential tool

One of the best way to release negativity and then communicate in a more loving fashion

Expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love

Ironically, the very act of avoiding negative emotions gives them the power to control our life

Books can inspire you to love yourself more

Sometimes, by private writing out your feelings, you will discover deeper levels of feelings that you could not feel with another person present

Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply

Motto on Venus: "Love is never having to ask!"

Motivating a man: appropriate timing, non-demanding attitude, be brief, be direct, use correct wording

You are never upset for the reason you think

Love is seasonal. In spring it is easy. In summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled. In winter you will feel empty

كتب(كيف تفعل كذا لتصبح هكذا )لها محبينها و أرى آن المستفيد الأول هو الكاتب لأنه سيصبح ملونيراً لو كان غربياً طبعاً
سيظل هذا كتاب التنمية البشرية الوحيد الذي قرأته بكامله و على فترة طويلة حقا
.و لكن
جزءية الرجال في هذا الكتاب افادتني حقا بل وطبقتها على الرجال في حياتي باختلاف مواقعهم و أعمارهم و نجحت!رغم انها مستفزة مستفزة مستفزة لاي امرأة علي وجه الارض

صعبة التنفيذ فعلا على كل فتاة وسيدة بل و تصيبهن بالحزن و اليأس احيانا..اولاً لانه ما يسعد الرجل ليس نقاطاً محددة؛ ابداً؛ و دي تيجي