كنتُ دائمًا أسألُ زوجى:
-ما الذى تعيبه علىّ؟
-أو ما الذى إذا فعلته تشعر بحبي لك؟

وكان يجيبنى لا أنكر ذلك، ولكنى كنتُ أرى أن ما يقوله ليس أساسيًا
وأن هناك الأكثر أهمية للتعبير عن الحب بغير هذه الصورة
لذلك فكنتُ غالبًا لا أتغير ولا حتى أمل من السؤال لأننى كنت أريد الإجابة التى أريدها أنا...

حتى قرأتُ هذا الكتاب

لا أكذب أبدًا حين أقول أن هذا الكتاب سيغير حياتى جذريًا

فهمتُ إجابات زوجى، وعرفت لغة الحب خاصته وخاصتى، وأدركتُ تباين الرغبات
ولا أستطيع أن أصف مدى سعادتى وفرحتى الآن،
هذا الكتاب سأحرص بشدة على الحصول على نسخة ورقية منه
فهو الكنز المهدى من السماء لى.

It's an interesting look at how we communicate with those we love and how they communicate with us.

If I could give this book less than 1 star, I would. It supports abusive, toxic, sexist relationships and I am unconvinced that Dr. Chapman cares about women as human beings.

When my partner and I began this book, we were really excited. The principle of the book, is great. It begins by saying that it's important to learn the love language of your partner to ensure you are loving them to the fullest. But from here, things get very murky before dipping into a black hole never to return.

As the book goes on, it becomes apparent that Dr. Chapman doesn't understand his own premise, ESPECIALLY when he talks about physical touch and acts of service. He makes claims that physical touch isn't just about sex and acts of service isn't just about domestic duties, but then he only uses examples of these love languages as that. Every man depicted in this book is an awful, lazy, toxic male who only wants sex and expects everything to be done for them. Though Dr. Chapman makes a passing comment about how gender stereotypes are harmful, he then makes sure that women understand that all they should be are robots. Women are supposed to cook and clean and have sex and never EVER complain if their husband is mistreating them. His basic undertone is: if you're being abused, it's because you're not loving him in the way he needs.

Dr. Chapman finishes the book by encouraging a wife who is clearly and undeniably being abused by her husband, to stay with him and attempt to fix their marriage on her own. Dr. Chapman suggests that she should have sex with him regularly because that's what Jesus teaches, and as a result, he may come to love her again. She confides that when they have sex, she feels used because every other time they are together he ignores her. Dr. Chapman uses the bible and manipulative language to essentially convince her to 'take one for the team'. And let's also not ignore the fact that when he gives her this awful advice, he constantly refers to it as an experiment and that it is blatantly obvious that he's more than happy to make her circumstances worse so that he can then cash in by seeing her more regularly.

My final remarks for this book is actually something my partner said when we finished. We agreed that wading through that book was like shovelling s**t out in the yard, it's not nice but at least you're together. Quite frankly, after finishing this book I can say I would've rather spent that time outside shovelling s**t than supporting such an awful man's work. Do not buy this book and if you do, for the love of God, don't listen. Women, it is not our role to be domestic slaves - acts of service has nothing to do with domestic duties because they should be shared equally. And there is no question about it, if your partner is abusive, leave.

Before I start in on the reasons why I didn't like this book, let me mention the good parts of it. As someone who just got married, I value ideas about how to strengthen a lifelong relationship, and the book did have some good ideas. It's always good to be reminded that I should be looking for little things I can do to make my spouse happy, that even if I'm happy with everything in a relationship I should be checking in with my spouse to make sure he's happy too, etc.

I've always thought personality quizzes were fun and this book has a certain appeal because of that. There is something fun about trying to discover your "love language" and your spouse's, and see what that says about you both. Just to establish, the 5 Love Languages in the book are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. I can see how in certain instances, thinking about the love languages could strengthen communication in a relationship. For instance, if one spouse really communicates most strongly with physical touch but that doesn't come naturally to the other partner, they might feel unloved until the other partner learns to show love through physical touch.

Finally I appreciated how the book suggested mindful, practical ways to maintain a relationship over time. It talks a lot about the "in love" experience at the start of a relationship and how that's different than developing a lifelong, sustaining love. It reminded me of a quote from an Adrienne Rich poem: "I choose to love this time for once / with all my intelligence." To me, loving with intelligence means that once those crazy feelings of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship subside, and you and that other person start to see each other's flaws, to learn about them as an individual and not an ideal you've built up in your own head, you still choose to love them (or, if you see that they are abusive or mistreating you, etc., you choose to end that relationship and love someone else who respects you).

I think in a lot of our TV shows, books, and movies, there are two kinds of relationships: the young lovers who emerge victorious at the end of a romantic comedy, perfectly in love and just starting out with their lives, or the middle-aged married couple who nag each other and take it for granted that romance and sex are off the table permanently. It's kind of a sad pattern that I definitely don't want to be true in my own marriage. So to circle back to the book, I did appreciate that it was very practical about how to consciously nurture the love in a relationship; it doesn't assume that once the honeymoon is over, things will fall apart.

But I still gave this book a 1-star rating. Even though it brought Adrienne Rich to mind, Gary Chapman is no Adrienne Rich. It's kind of a bumbling mess written by someone with maybe a slight Jesus complex. I noticed that even though platonic love is discussed, every example of a romantic couple in the book is a heterosexual couple and the book presumes, consistently, that the only form of acceptable romantic love is between a man and a woman in a Christian marriage. It was also openly against open or polyamorous relationships. I understand because I am not interested in that for myself--but I wouldn't judge someone who wants a non-monogamous relationship, because it's all a matter of personal choice. I didn't like that the book assumes so much or that Chapman feels he can tell people what's best for them.

I also think too much emphasis is placed on finding your one true love language. Yes, I did just say personality tests are fun, but while reading the book I really connected with several of the love languages described almost equally. It's nice when my spouse compliments me, but it's also nice to hold hands with my spouse, or when he does the dishes for me, or gives me a gift, or when we spend quality time together; I can't really differentiate between the niceness of those different things. Yet the book really insists everyone has one love language and maybe one secondary love language. It smacks of someone trying to sell me something and I don't like that. It's also kind of creepy and weird to read about all these troubled couples who host Chapman in their homes for the night while he's traveling for seminars, just to beg him for marital advice. Reminds me of televangelists who prey on their flock. I'm wary of self-help books to begin with, I only read this one because I've heard good things about it, but it reinforced my view; I don't need to be sold on the idea of love or preached to about it.

My biggest problem, which came close to the end of the book, is one example Chapman gave of how the miraculous love languages work. A woman came to Chapman who was so sick of her marriage, she was on the cusp of leaving, because her husband didn't care about her at all anymore. All her friends were telling her to get out. She said she hated him and asked Chapman, "can you love someone you hate?" Which of course he decided to meditate on by reading the Bible. OK, I can dig it; the Bible has some good quotes and advice even if you're not religious. In fact I have no problem with the words of Jesus Chapman chose to share with this woman--love thy neighbor, treat others as you want to be treated, if you give a measure it will be returned to you until your cup runneth over, etc (I'm paraphrasing because, lazy).

OK so that's all fine. But then Chapman is all, "what's your husband's love language?" and she says "physical touch" and he's like "well you need to touch him and have sex with him more" and she says "but I don't want to" and he says "well yeah that will be hard but just think of Jesus" I AM NOT KIDDING. I laughed as my valuation of the book instantly crumbled before me into sad, atheist dust. It's not directly expressed in the book, but this lady basically hints that her husband is verbally, if not physically, abusive and at the very least totally negligent and uncaring. Well of course the suggestion works and he starts to come around and love her back in her own "love language" but any respect I had for the book disappeared at that point.

Also, even though as I've said I'm all for choosing love and loving with intelligence, some of the suggestions Chapman has are just laughable. For instance, every day you should ask your spouse "how full is your 'love tank' on a scale of 1 to 10?" and then if it's less than 10, you're supposed to do something to "fill their love tank." I'm sorry but I just can't with that childlike, pandering language. You can choose to love mindfully without teetering over into this totally clinical, almost bureaucratic method.

FINALLY, and this review is so long now I know nobody is reading at this point but oh well, all of the advice is totally directed at middle-aged couples who have basically fallen out of love, so a lot of it was not applicable to me. Also, a lot of the advice is the really basic flavor (listen to each other, give your spouse undivided attention, give your spouse little gifts or notes to remind them how much you love them) you could get anywhere, that honestly should just be common sense by the time you're married. And finally finally finally, the "love languages" are nice and all, but I can see so many instances where troubles can arise in a marriage that the love languages couldn't fix. For instance, disagreeing about money/family/politics, if one partner is downright abusive or uncaring or habitually cheating, if a partner withdraws to the point where they won't do anything to help fix the relationship despite how strongly you're speaking their "love language." The end. Phew.

رغم إن شهادتي مجروحة بحكم إني لا متزوج ولا مرتبط، لكن يبدو الكتاب مهم جدا في بابه، ومهم جدا قراءته للمتزوجين أو اللي بيفكروا في الخطوة دي.
كتاب جميل جدا.

من اهم الكتب التي تناولت موضوع الحب بشكل عقلاني وباسلوب ممتع بنفس الوقت
انصح الجميع بقرائته


(لو كان بإمكاني لسلمت نسخة من هذا الكتاب لكل زوج و زوجة في هذه البلاد واقول له لقد كتبت هذا الكتاب من اجلك, وامل ان تغير حياتك , واذا استفدت منه اعطه لشخص اخر وحيث انني لا استنطيع فعل هذا فسأكون سعيداً اذا اعطيت هذه نسخة من هذا الكتاب لعائلتك , ولاخوانك و أخواتك , وكذلك لابنائك المتزوجين , ولموظفيك, ولرفقائك في النادي , ومن يدري ربما يمكننا أن نحقق أحلامنا )

Good information. Can see how it could be helpful to many people. I think it would’ve been better to frame it in terms of any relationship versus just marriages though. I think the concepts and principles apply to everyone nonetheless, and I appreciated that it was written agnostically (Chapman is also a Baptist pastor).

This book is based on the premise that everyone has a "love language". Things others say or do that make one feel "loved",they are follows:


-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.

Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (quality time) before I ride you like the wild stallion that you are (physical touch) so where does that leave me? Which love language am I? This book was not helpful (as indicated by the shelf it's on).

I loved this book! Before reading I had considered the premise to be very basic, common-sense knowledge and didn't think the book would tell me anything I couldn't have figured out on my own. Five love languages, not everyone speaks the same love language....ok, well as long as you know what they are, shouldn't have to read the book, right? Wrong. Gary Chapman's years of marriage counseling have brought him invaluable insights that EVERYONE should be privy to. I'm not just talking married couples, I'm talking parents, children, friends...anyone in any relationship should know this stuff. Chapman explains what each love language entails, and gives examples of some of the "dialects" in each language (for example, quality time may mean quality conversation.) And then he tells you very specifically what you can do to learn to "speak" each love language. There are books geared towards different types of relationships that are probably worth taking a look at, too...but this one is fantastic!

a cautionary tale about losing your kindle in a country that doesn't sell books.

I was recommended this book by my counsellor, and I have to be honest; it's way better than I expected.

This book is a great tool if you're looking for some "simple fixes". Keep in mind, all relationships take work. This book gives suggestions on how to help understand your partner's (and your own) love language. Love languages are the ways your partner feels "love" through the things you do, the things you say, and how you act. It's a very thoughtful idea that is simple in nature, but a little harder to do in practice. If you're feeling hopeless and just want some different ideas, this book is excellent!

I really liked the book because it felt like I was chatting with the author. It's very conversational and it's very to the point. There's "real life" examples of couples, and it sometimes seems too easy. Some of the situations definitely didn't resolve that easily, but I am guessing that the tips of trying to understand what makes your partner feel loved helped develop their relationships.

Is this the end all, be all way to save your marriage or relationship? No. Can it give you ideas to understand why your communication skills aren't on point? Yes. Maybe you don't realize that you partner feels loved when you run errands for them. Maybe you don't realize that your partner needs a lot of quality time, one on one. Lots of people can't see what's in front of them! This book is a great way to remind the simplicity of the 5 ways you can appreciate someone.

The book is uplifting and suggests that relationships can be mended (and they definitely can, in some circumstances). I do not think this will help everyone. I don't think this should be the way someone fixes their relationship (get counselling, the works as well as reading this book).

Are there negatives? Absolutely! The gender roles seem very... stereotypical. What housewife doesn't want to just be someone to does all the chores to make her husband happy? Gee golly! Men crave sex more than women do, in fact women don't normally crave sex at all! Men might cheat, but women can get over it. Yeah, lots of problems. And of course, only heterosexual couples are talked about. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt to say somehow in his whole career he ONLY dealt with heterosexual couples... It's a super big, ridiculous benefit of the doubt... But I'm hoping that's it. Oh, and a pinch of religion in there.

*If you can't sense my sarcasm in the last few sentences, please re-read and add a sassy, sarcastic tone.

Overall though, I enjoyed it. I think it's a great way to help teach people some basic concepts in a fun and engaging way.

Four out of five stars.

After hearing so many rave reviews, I really wanted to like this book. I skimmed about half of it. I'm sure there is plenty of good stuff, but I got stuck on one small sentence in the "words of affirmation" section of the book.

"Girls are people who like to be affirmed verbally, just as men like to be affirmed verbally."

Hmmm. So the men are men and the women are....girls? And girls are people too?! I can't overlook it and I can't bear the misogynistic tone. Buh-bye Gary Chapman.