My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing else I've ever read or done.
The advice this author gives is so profound and universal, it can be applied successfully to any deep relationship you have (children, parents, close friends). I just can't recommend it highly enough. Every couple, whether newly together or old marrieds, could benefit from this book.

I won't go into the circumstances which lead to this bizarre buddy read that took place at Disneyland. Sometimes life can be stranger than fiction. I will say that this book has some reasonably helpful thoughts and ideas, but... it is way too simplified and way too heteronormative and way too traditional Christian-value based to speak to me in any meaningful way.

Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, when the wife was asked to describe something positive about her husband, she says: "he let's me keep any money I earn in my part time job". Another example included a young wife who wished her husband would change the baby's diaper when he got home from work because she was busy cooking dinner (HIM: I would like her to cook dinner for when I get home from work).... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

The author didn't overtly advocate for traditional gender roles in the home, but I couldn't help but think there was a subliminal message indicating his preference for this. In the one example where the husband seemed to take on a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and other assorted domestic chores, the wife complained. She wanted him to spend more time with her. As it turned out, the wife really wanted to cook and clean, but the husband was too efficient and didn't give her a chance to do so. Oh, happy ending. Needless to say, I'm crying feminist tears at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for good communication, respect and understanding how to make your spouse feel loved. But when this misogynist flavored relationship guru doled out advice to a woman in a 'horrible' marriage, I took issue. The details of horror of the marriage were largely unsaid, other than it was given that the husband cursed and said he hated his wife. This woman was very religious and clearly the idea of leaving her husband was at odds with her beliefs. Since the husband had no interest in seeking marriage counseling, the author/marriage counselor devised a unilateral plan he admitted didn't know would work. The crux of the plan was for the wife to speak to her husband in his love language, and hopefully he would eventually he would reciprocate and the love tanks would start to refill. This plan basically suggested, among other things, that the wife initiate sex with her husband (as his love language was physical touch) even though this idea did not appeal to the wife. Kind of a 'take one for the team' approach. The author clearly said that this was her decision to do so. Ok, so all this has the appearance of consenting adults and informed decisions, so where's the problem Katie? Oh, I don't know, how about emotional manipulation of the vulnerable? Call me cynical, but I picture an abused spouse emotional or physical, it makes no difference to me reading this and thinking that I just need to have sex with my husband and maybe things will work out.

And that leads me to the other big issue I had with this book. All the case studies were simple and tidy and all had happily ever afters. Not very realistic. This author only cited success stories and provided no useful examples of how this love language thing can go wrong.

Overall, I think the idea of love languages seems reasonable, but I was sorely disappointed in the examples and approaches suggested by the author. At best, he gave an overly optimistic view of how implementing his ideas would work. (and if they don't work the first time, perhaps you could try one of his marriage $eminars or buy more of his book$) At worst, they pander to the emotionally vulnerable in abusive relationships, giving them specious relationship advice.

The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.

Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.

In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.

And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?

I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.

MM March 1, 2005

A quick and valuable read to help you better understand how you and your partner best like to express and receive love. Great for helping you see what you truly value in a partner and what your partner truly values in you.

I had heard a lot about this book & decided to give it a go. It made A LOT of sense! It is all about improving your relationship with your spouse by showing your love to them in a way that resonates with them - which may be totally different than what would be meaningful to you. It was a very fast read, very easy to "get," and I have found it very insightful not only in expressing myself, but also in recognizing when my Jon Jon is being sweet to me. Sometimes it can be hard to tell. Am I right, ladies, or am I right??? Even better than reading it was getting Jon Jon to read it...he did!!! Those of you who know Jon, know it was quite a stretch to think he would read it, (have you heard him drone on about Covey?!!) but I let him know it was non-negotiable & it seriously only takes an afternoon. It was a fun challenge to try to pin-point which of the love languages we spoke. Perhaps more amazing than just reading the book is that Jon has, upon occasion, mentioned how he was specifically thinking of my love language when he did something for me. (!!!) Sweet, I know! It is such a small time commitment to read this & the concept will stick with you, so go for it!

Chapman used many real-life examples from his own marriage, and of couples that he had counselled across the years, to illustrate the concepts in his book and how they can be applied to address different marriage/ relationship issues and circumstances. These are case studies help us to identify similarities and lessons for our own relationships.

In the book, he also offers 2 pages of additional ideas and suggestions for each of the 5 love languages, as well as separate love language profile surveys for husbands and wives (to identify your primary love language). If you enjoyed the ideas in this article, do get a copy of The 5 Love Languages from Amazon

"پنج زبان عشق" رازهایی برای داشتن عشق پایدار است که توسط دکتر گری چاپمن نوشته شده است.
چاپمن در این کتاب 5 زبان متفاوت عشق را معرفی میکند و از مخزن عشقی سخن به میان می آورد که خالی بودن و خالی ماندن آن مساویست با مرگ تدریجی خانواده!
شاید شما هم به افزایش بی رویه آمار طلاق فکر کرده باشید..
شاید  این موضوعات دغدغه و ترس خیلی از جوانان مجرد یا متاهل باشه! طلاق ، طلاق عاطفی ، سست شدن بنیان خانواده و...
ریشه همه این مسائل در  این هست که زبان عشق طرف مقابل رو یاد نمیگیریم و نمیتونیم به زبان عشق اون ابراز احساسات کنیم ، در نتیجه مخزن عشقی که نباید خالی باشه ، خالی میمونه و بعد از مدتی منجر به جداییِ رسما یا قلبا میشه!
و این یعنی فاجعه...!
چاپمن این کتاب رو برای متاهل ها نوشته اما بعد از یاد گرفتن این 5 زبان به نتایج عمیقی رسیدم و علت بسیاری از مشکلات اخلاقی کودکان رو هم کشف کردم..

Reasons I read this book:

- It was free;

and on a slightly more embarrassing note

- I read blogs about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and every season someone very seriously mentions their "love language", and not even in a self-deprecatingly British way, which is really the only way to pull off saying, "my love language is words of affirmation". Just to be clear, I don't actually watch the television show, I just really enjoy reading blogs that analyse each episode and all of the delightfully ridiculous things that happen. When people question this life choice, I like to think that it's my flaws that make me human.

Now that I've hopefully sufficiently justified why I read this book, let's get to the content. As advertised in the title, this book is about five love languages. They are, in no particular order:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

That list should have come with a spoiler tag because it's all rather self-explanatory, and now there's no reason for you to read the book. I'm sorry. (I'm actually not really, but apologising just seemed like the polite thing to do here.)

The author implores you throughout the book to discover the love language of your significant other and then everything will be fine if you focus on meeting that one need. In my very humble opinion through knowledge gained largely by reading blogs on The Bachelor, I'd suggest being a bit more ambitious and trying to provide your partner with all these forms of love.

So, things I liked about the book:

- It's always nice to be reminded that one shouldn't be complacent in a relationship and you should remember to express your love.

- I like the very specific examples about how you can express love in various ways because I'm lazy and now I can just shamelessly steal ideas straight from the book.

Things that were bizarre:

- The author was rather self-promotional about this book in the book itself. He kept encouraging the reader to give this book to family and friends.

- The examples given about complaints wive and husbands had about each other were all very archaic (or rather I hope they are):

Wife: We never talk.

Husband: You should have dinner ready by the time I get back home.

Highlight of the book:

The author counsels a woman who was reluctant to be intimate with her husband anymore (it was a failing marriage) to initiate sex with her husband by leaning on Jesus and her faith. Here are some choice quotes:

“You will probably have to rely heavily upon your faith in God in order to do this. Perhaps it will help if you read again Jesus’ sermon on loving your enemies”

“You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit. I think that must be what Jesus meant.”

Holy crap!

Honestly, this could be a 5 star book, but the last 50 pages get really preachy. As in, "You are more likely to find and keep the love of your life if you already love Jesus."

The 5 love languages themselves were the best and most interesting part of the book. I was constantly thinking, "Of course! That's why this thing works and that thing doesn't!"

Now, if your partner happens to be a philosophy major...you might have more problems getting the ideas in this book across. There's not much in the way of "shades of grey" in this book. He says, as far as I can tell, ONE TIME that you could be "bilingual". Otherwise, you get one love language, and that's it. The rest of them will only kind of work on you.

That sweeps a lot of problems people have right under the rug, I feel.

All the same, my partner and I had some good conversations about this, and even though our relationship isn't anywhere near some of the disasters that are talked about in this book, I am sure it will help us never get to that point.

Recommended for anyone who has problems expressing love.

-----------------

I'm having a really hard time deciding on a rating for this. Objectively, it should probably be 3 stars. The author is very sure of his own importance and correctness throughout the entire book. At one point, he quotes a study saying that the "in-love" feeling lasts 2 years. That study is never mentioned again, but the in-love feeling lasting 2 years is quoted as truth from there on out.

Every conversation is stilted and full of "But Dr. Chapman! How could this ever work!" Well guess what, they came back 3 months later and called me a miracle worker!

Yes you are very special, Dr Chapman, good job.

I am afraid that someone reading this who has no background in psychology or philosophy or morality in general, would find it very easy to take everything he says at face value and not look beyond it. I am lucky to have a partner who wants to discuss things critically, but when he first brought up criticisms I got rather emotional and said I felt he wasn't taking me seriously.

Relationships are powerful things and I think this book could really help some people who want or need more from their love life. I just want everyone to go into this knowing that there's more here than meets the eye and to think about it.

-----------

Update March 2, 2014

Although my star rating has steadily decreased, I am still finding myself referring to this book. Mostly it is internal, but I really do feel like I have been nagging my partner less. I hope he doesn't tell a different story, but I am TRYING.

I am bringing this book up again now because I just had a really great conversation with my dad. We don't see each other much (I hang out with my mom way more), and we have drifted apart over the years. He just took me out to lunch, where he mostly talked about his newest interest, bicycling on gravel. Which sounds absolutely horrible to me. We got to talking about my mom, and how she is obsessive when it comes to keeping the house clean. Like, it's not unusual for people to visit their home and ask if they just moved in because it is so spartan. They've lived there for 20 years.

That got me talking about my cleaning habits, which are nowhere near my mom's standards, but I do like the apartment being picked up and presentable. I've been working 60 hours a week for the past 4 months, with only one day off a week. I have been coming home, throwing my shit down, eating a quick frozen burrito, and flopping into bed because I just worked for 14 hours. Needless to say, the place looks like a disaster area within a day or two of me cleaning it.

Which brought me to my partner. It bugs me how much I've been working and how I feel he has been doing very little to help me around the house. Like even though I'm the one busting my ass, it's still my job to keep the place clean.

I told my dad all this, then mentioned how I had read this book. I briefly went over the 5 love languages. My mom's love language is obviously acts of service. It means a lot to her to come home to a clean house. Despite the anecdote above, mine is Quality Time. My partner's is physical touch. Then I said, "I'm not actually sure what yours is." It surprised me, but he actually looked thoughtful. This is totally not his thing, to talk about this kind of stuff. After a moment he said, "What means the most to me is that everyone in our family is always there. You can be flaky, but when I really need it, someone is there. It means a lot to me to be able to rely on that."

I kind of felt like crying, really, because my dad is not an open person, and I felt like him saying that was some kind of break through.

It doesn't really fit into any of the love languages, but I realized it doesn't really have to. This book is just a guideline, but it is still helping me define the love in my life.

A nice audiobook to listen to while doing something else: soothing and practicable enough, but not at all difficult or overwhelming.

As for the message itself, I found it totally valid, but oversimplified. The premise is that it's not enough to love anybody in your own way; one must show one's love in a way that speaks of love to the other person. So, in one of the examples, a man was doing all the house chores as a way of caring for his wife, and she thought that he'd rather do anything than spend some quality time with her, so all of this effort was misplaced because she didn't really feel loved.

This is the idea; then the good doctor identifies five love languages and urges us to find out (by observation or just by asking) what is our loved one's main one, and then practice 'speaking it', i. e., doing the things the other person wants us most to do, instead of what we think they should appreciate or just what we ourselves would enjoy being done for us.

All of this is quite valid and practicable. I asked my husband about it and he gladly named his two prime 'love languages', although of course, he didn't want me to give up on the other three altogether, since it would be nice to have some of that, too. That's all good, but when I came to think about my own 'love language', I realized it's not in the book. For me, feeling loved means feeling understood and accepted, - and this is something quite different from quality time (sometimes an act of love is to leave me alone and let me do whatever I'm doing) or words of appreciation (which are just words and don't matter that much to me). And since mine is not in the book, I'm thinking there might be others; and in this case, just following the method of the book will not work.

But if one abstracts away from these particular love languages and just stays with the idea that it's important to know how your loved one wants to be loved, and that it's OK to just ask them about it, — I'm certain this will do a world of good for any relationship. I think the very fact of asking such questions, like, 'What would you like me to do to show my love' is a very nice way of showing that you care.

But then again, maybe you and your loved one will be quite OK with choosing one of the suggested love languages and need not bother about there being any others.

I am careful about saying 'loved one' instead of 'partner', because this can be applied to anybody: one's children or, say, dogs. One of my dogs wants to be left alone, and the other wants to be the centre of attention; you can see how important it is to be discriminative.

So, a nice useful book that might not change your life, but might very well improve your understanding of your loved ones.

Yes, and I forgot to say: the book has some Christian overtones, but for me, they were quite easily ignorable.

This is suppose to be a self-help teaching book....for me there was too much chatter.....when I listen to these type of book...please get straight to the point for me....too much talking leads to me tuning out, which is exactly what I did in a lot of this book. In addition, I really don't need someone to explain to me what my love language is and if you are in tuned with the people that you care about, you can completely understand what their love languages are and the things that bring them joy. Simply pay attention. It really is that simple.

جميل إن كتب أخر السنة تكون لطيفة كدا
الكتاب بيتكلم عن إن كل شخص فينا مختلف عن التاني في طريقة تعبيره عن حبه و بالتالى فكل واحد ليه لغة حب مختلفة بيحبها و بيستناها .. قسم لغات الحب لخمسة :
- كلمات التشجيع
- قضاء وقت سوا
- أعمال خدمية أو مساعدة
- تبادل هدايا
- إتصال بدني
و من هنا بيبدأ يشرح كل لغة بالتفصيل و يدي قصص من خبراته..
فكرة الكتاب لذيذة .. طول عمرى كنت باخد بالى إن اللى بيفرحني مش هو اللى بيفرح غيري .. أو على الأقل مش بنفس الدرجة.. بس في نفس الوقت مش قادرة اقتنع إن كل واحد ليه لغة حب واحدة .. يمكن فعلا فيه حاجة بتكون مسيطرة عن التانية لكن في الآخر كل واحد فينا فيه لغات الحب بنسب مختلفة .. السر كله إنك تركز على الأهم ..اللطيف إنه مش بس متكلم عن الأزواج لا كمان عالسريع اتكلم عن الصحاب و الأطفال .. خصوصا فكرة إن الطفل اللى بيحتاج كلمات تشجيع مثلا أو أحضان و احتواء و هو صغير و بيكبر فجأة ميلاقيش ده كله فبيحس إنه مش محبوب حتي لو اتقدمله مليون حاجة تانية و هكذا
يعيب الكتاب بالنسبة لى التكرار و التبسيط الشديد جدا جدا كأن اللى بيقرأ مش فاهم حاجة