Has great _concrete_ advice you can use to address the _why_ of parenting behavior, not just the _how_ and _what_. It is great at offering up a mirror to let you examine how your parenting choices are an extension of you, and how changing yourself can change your children.

Not sure when I officially "finished" this book (or have I finished the last chapter?) because I keep turning back in it and reading again through different sections. This book is definitely on my "classic" list. I believe that this is because it is ultimately about me, not my child and not about how to "deal" with them. It has taught me and continues to teach me great lessons in feeling, self control, modelling, intentionality, and focus. If you want a book that will teach you quick "fixes" to children's behavior, this is not it. It you want a book whose philosophy can match the simplicity and complexity of your child and the depth of your relationship to your child, then you might just find what you are looking for here. I have.

I just started this book and I already see the dramatic change in my home. My difficult son still sits on the same time outs and still has his privileges taken away but the frustration and anger on both sides is gone. I am trying to be loving, supportive and positive and he is more receptive to my message. We still have problems but they are getting better.

Every parent or educator needs to read this book. I learned so much about myself and about being a better parent. It goes deeper than love and logic.

Practical and Loving Strategies to Connect with Your Child

This book definitely made me more aware of why I don't like to touch other people and why it is important for me to overcome that in my own family while building relationships with my children. I enjoyed reading through the different games, songs, and rituals, and considering how I can be more interactive and playful with my children. Some of the things I liked and some of the things I said nah and moved on to.

Good. It gives both practical and theoretical ideas for relating to your kids. I also love how she ties in our own discipline and emotional stability as parents with that of our kids. If you don't have it, you can't teach it. So true.

This is one of the BEST books I have ever read and is hands down the best book I've ever read on parenting. The book is based on the parent child relationship, but encompasses all relationships. starting with your relationship with yourself. THIS BOOK IS A MUST READ.

I have read this book three times this year and reference it ALL THE TIME. I have already seen it do wonders on my relationships with my children and everyone in my life.

I will absolutely be reading it again (and again and again).

The best parenting book I've read so far. The title is a little misleading. It is more about methods of teaching kids when they misbehave. My pediatrician's office does a seminar based on this author's methods but it was a lot cheaper to get her book from the library : )

My notes from the reading:

* Love increases security and provides safety. Instead of saying "get over here or you will get lost" say: "stay close to me in the store so i can keep you safe" or "I love having you with me." page 10

*Fear-based discipline triggers physical stress responses in your child:
-stress hormones are released, called cortisol
-high cortisol levels can damage brain cells in the hippopotamus, which plays a role in memory and learning page 12

*When you constantly focus on what your child has done wrong, you highlight his imperfections and they come to take an exaggerated place in your child's self-concept. The result is children who grow up to feel they are "not good enough". page 12

* when things don't go our way, we will seek Solutions.
* you are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, and actions. Your choices have an impact on others. Page 18

* if you cave when your children plead, you fail to teach them how to accept or give a meaningful no. If you hurt children when you say no, you teach them to hurt others with their nos. Page 21

*Focusing on what you don't want actually pits your body chemistry against your willpower and undermines your chances for success. Let's say that you want to eat fewer sweets. You tell yourself, "That's it, no more sweets for me. I'm not eating them, at least not after seven o'clock at night." in saying these words, you are focusing on sweets. Your brain hears the word sweets, and believe it or not, the region of the brain that regulates your body chemistry (the hypothalamus) adjusts your body for an influx of sugar. Your blood sugar actually drops, and your insulin levels change, in anticipation of that luscious sweet." Page 31-32

*"pay attention to the many occasions when you tell yourself what NOT to do and what you DON'T want. Then consciously begin to redirect your attention by focusing on what TO DO and what you DO want." Page 33

*What you focus on, you get more of Page 35

* "A physical event that occurs during a conflict is a downshifting in your brain. Control shifts from the cortex, the conscious and rational region of your brain, to the limbic system, the region that deals with emotions and memories. Your limbic system has preserved all the messages you received from your parents, wrapped up in the emotions in which they were delivered. When your brain downshifts, your moth opens, and out comes your mother's or father's words. When this happens you are operating on automatic, using "programs" that were installed within you years ago." Page 55-56

*deliver 2 positive choices to children (NOT do this or be grounded). Example : you may get up and get dressed or get up and brush your teeth. Utilizes the power of free will. Page 106

*" when an inability to choose appears from nowhere and occurs only infrequently, the child may be temporarily overwhelmed by stress. Developmentally, when children are stress they regress that is they revert to behaviors you'd expect from a much younger child. When children regress, and you just sort of commands, not traces. Dad could say "Caitlin, you're having trouble choosing for yourself this morning. Here is the milk. Drink it if you like." Commands teach children what they are to do, whereas Choice teaches them how to make decisions and keep commitments". Page 118

* when giving compliments to children don't just say "good job", describe exactly what you see and be specific . "Max look at you skip! you did it!". Make sure that your compliment is similar to what a camera could record. Notice, don't judge.

* make up positive intent. " when you attribute positive motives to your child, you will stay calm and help your child be calmer because you will convey the message to your child that you know his inner core is good. You also send the message that it is two actions he has chosen that are not helpful. With this backdrop, a child is more willing to learn a new skill and listen to an adult directions. He feels empowered to be flexible and choose a better course of action. When you assign a negative motive to one child, you also send out a message that defines him for the other youngsters involved. When you label one child is being bad or mean, you actually separate siblings or friends from each other. " example is if a kid tries to take all the birthday cupcakes oh, it's not that he's being selfish, it's that he wants to make sure he has enough cake. You can say "oh you wanted to be sure you got enough birthday cake. I want you to have enough too. Do that give yourself one cupcake and one to every other guess then we can light the candles." Page 153

" conflict is an indicator of growth trying to happen." Page 214

"Use moments of conflict as opportunities to teach, not punish."
"When we impose consequences on ourselves with a punitive intent, we block our ability to reflect and learn. Blaming blocks positive change becuase it focus you on finding fault instead of finding solutions." page 191


Conflict Solution Formula 1:
Summarize: "chad was hitting you and your'e mad because he wouldn't stop"
Positive intent: "you wanted Danny out of your room so you asked him to leave, but he wouldn't. so you started hitting him"
"You may not hit your brother. When you ask him to leave and he does not listen come and get me, I will help you solve the problem without hitting"
Practice

Conflict Solution Formula 2:
What you see" "you hands made fists and your face got tight. You seem angry. I can tell you wanted to watch more tv."
Give choice: It is time for bed, but you have a choice. You may brush your teeth first or get your jammies on.
Celebrate ability to choose: "Good job you chose jammies first"
"five means five. It is hard to stop when you are having fun, but it is time to go."

"Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful?"

Summary of the Summary:
*What I focus on, I get more of. (focus on what you WANT, not what you DONT WANT)
*I will be happy to talk to you when you are calm
*Give assertive commands when you have your child's attention. When they comply say "you did it (then describe what they did).
*Teach kids to stick up for themselves "go tell ___ , I dont like it when you ____"
*Take 5 minutes or more to just be with each of your children.
*Chronic behavior problems means you need to spend more time whith your kids and strengthen the relationship.
*Model love and kindness to family and others.

Great practical steps for dealing with parenting. How to make myself more the parent I want to be (rather than trying to make my children change).

This book has the potential to change the lives of you and your children for the better!! It is not a quick fix though so I have yet to see if I can carry out everything she teaches in this book. It will be a journey of developing self-control and conscious parenting at all times. This book is for people who are open to working on themselves and changing the way they live, model and parent. It is not a "techniques to make your child do what you want" type of book.

Life changing. This book is easy to apply and usful for all people. I am no a parent but this has help me learn to properly parent myself and be a better teacher. This book has changed my thinking and helped me connect the harmful effects of passive and agresive parenting. This has helped me understand peoples past which informs their present actions. It has deepened by ablility to have compassion, self control and become less judgemental both to my self and others.