how to be more gentle and respectful; how to help children reflect and become self-aware

5 stars!

Fantastic guide to learn authoritative parenting skills by first learning to discipline yourself and pass that knowledge on to your kids. Basically , you need to model the skills you want your child to acquire, and teach them when and how to use them, rather than punishing them for what they do not yet know how to do. This book was particularly helpful to my autistic brain, as it gave very specific examples and scripts for what to say to help guide your child in difficult moments. It really helped me identify how to land in the zone of assertive parenting vs feeling guilty or worried and being too permissive, or going too far the other direction and being overly strict and dismissive of feelings.


Some of my biggest takeaways:

- Empathize with your child: let them feel their feelings (don't try to stop even unpleasant emotions), reflect back to them what you see and hear from their body language and what they are saying, and give your interpretation of how they are probably feeling.

- Focus on what you want your child TO DO (positive action) vs. what you want them to stop doing. What you focus on, you get more of.

- Assume positive intent on the part of your child. Example: If your child grabs a toy from their sibling, you could say, "You really wanted that toy! Next time say, 'May I have that toy when you are done?'" (rather than yelling at them "No! Stop that! You are being mean!")

-Only you can "make" yourself do something or act some particular way. The only person in charge of you is yourself. Don't give away that power to your children (eg: "Don't make me stop this car!")

-Related to the last point, you can't "make" your child do anything. It is better to focus on what you can do to help your child be more likely to cooperate and choose the action you hope they will.

- Offer kids two acceptable choices when they need a sense of control and autonomy; give them assertive commands when they are overwhelmed.


The book was very well organized with lists and acronyms for different skills or scripts. The author also discussed child development and how that impacts children's actions and interactions with the world around them, from infants to school age children.

This book was published in 2007 so there are a few dated references, but overall the theory is a timeless one. I definitely recommend all parents, caregivers, and anyone else who is around or works with children, to give this book a read.

You must learn to be disciplined before you can expect yourself to properly discipline a child.

This book is a one stop shop for summing up the gentle parenting method, providing practical tools, and going over the development stages and expectations of children. Extremely helpful and thorough, I highly recommend it.

Years ago (when I only had one kid) a friend recommended this book when I asked the social hive mind for parenting book recommendations. I finally got around to buying it and listening to it this summer.
The parenting strategy outlined in this book is Loving Guidance. It emphasizes self control and mindfulness. And it reminded me of Siegel and Payne’s works in many themes.
Some of my thoughts while reading:
It is amazing how many times redirection is brought up in parenting books. This is probably the most common theme of all parenting books. Here the author talks about “pivoting”. Focus on the action/behavior you want. “It is as it is.”
No one can make you do anything without your permission. — That quote stuck with me and made me think a lot about all my relationships, not just as a parent.
Lots of reminders to use deep breaths for calming. This made me think of mindfulness. It also made me miss my yoga class. (Thanks, Covid-19)
You cannot set the limit and take care of another person’s feelings at the same time. — this is THE hardest thing to do as a solo parent. I always struggle with being there disciplinarian and the comforter at the same time. Enforcing a limit while comforting an upset child is the hardest thing to manage, and probably why I have been reading a lot of parenting books. I struggle with this duality.
Your responses to children’s unavoidable and necessary behavior will teach them how they see the world and themselves. — So, like, no pressure anxious parent (she says sarcastically).
That which you resist will persist. Teach that power is acquired through communication.
Attribute positive motives rather than forcing them to feel bad in order to behave better.
Ultimately, I learned from this. I prefer the writing style of Siegel and Payne, but I liked this one.

From Karen: "Learn how to stop policing and pleading and become the parent you want to be.

You love your children, but if you’re like most parents, you don’t always love their behavior. But how can you guide them without resorting to less-than-optimal behavior yourself? Dr. Becky Bailey’s unusual and powerful approach to parenting has made thousands of families happier and healthier."

Best book on parenting I've read yet. Gives a easy to follow plan and tools on loving parenting.

the last parenting book I feel I need to read until my kids are teenagers. love it, love the concept. Have seen it working with my kids.

I’m taking away some good little nuggets of advice from this one. The strategies presented in this book seemed like the perfect blend of Love and Logic and Cognitive Coaching...both of which I’ve been trained in as an educator. I chose this book primarily to help me with my own strong-willed children at home, but the strategies could definitely be applied in my classroom as well. I do kind of wish I would have read a physical copy of it instead of listening to the audio because I’m afraid I won’t retain the information as well.

I'm a little wary about reading a how-to discipline book because I fundamentally believe that successful discipline is about how I am regarding my children in my heart. I also believe that when my heart is right I will have a sense of what to do to be helpful. However, I would like some more ideas of ways to respond and how to avoid using rewards/punishment. We'll see how it goes...

I chose this book because I liked another book by this author.

Focuses on a parent's need to work on their own self-control and emotional responsibility, which is the harder but ultimately more effective (and peaceful) road to cooperation with your child.

This book not only holds a great discipline approach, but is also a kind of therapy for the parent! It is helping me to keep my cool and not lose my patience so much.