I LOVE THIS BOOK!

But there is good news and bad news.

The good news is, these techniques WORK. They truly do. I love that the author explains the development of a child's brain and why they need to be disciplined (or trained, or guided, whichever word you prefer) in a certain way. As a Christian, I love that my belief in the controversial theology that children are innocent and innately good is supported in this book. That is perhaps the most encouraging thing for me as a mother. My children are good people and their behavior is normal.

When I am using these techniques as opposed to a punishment and rewards system, my 3 year old is much better behaved, and the amazing part is, he is kinder and sweeter to his 18-month-old sister. He actually takes from my guidance, and uses my words to relate to her. When I'm consistently reminding him and showing him the words to speak gently, rather than snapping at him with a general remark to "be nice" or "don't yell at your sister," his behavior changes almost instantly.

The bad news is, when you are a busy parent of more than one child, implementing this parenting style all the time is pretty much impossible. Sometimes you just need your kid to quit whining about the shoes you've given him to wear for the day and can't really take ten minutes to sit on the floor with him and empathize.

That being said, you take what you can, and work with the situation at hand, do the best you can, and don't feel guilty about the rest. I don't hand out five-star reviews often, but this book is deserving.

This is my mommy handbook! Bailey's ideas are so Christlike (and it's not a Christian/spiritual book). Her focus is on the parent learning to discipline him/herself, and you can then learn to model better behavior to your children. Excellent, excellent book!!!

This book is life changing, and no, I’m not exaggerating. I feel that every parent should read this book. The book is not about controlling your children, or eliminating conflict. The book is about YOU as a parent. It teaches you to have self-control. That is its main focus. You must be able to have control over your own emotions in order to teach your children. That is exactly what I needed. As I have been working to utilize the Seven Powers of Self-Control, I have a seen a dramatic difference in my life. And I’m not even that good at using them yet! Once you have greater control over yourself, you are able to see conflict as an opportunity to teach your child, instead of control or punish them. The book also focuses on helping your children become assertive and capable of solving problems, which are the kind of children I want to raise. The book teaches you how to be guided by love in your parenting, and how to influence your children through love instead of fear. I highly recommend this book to every parent, teacher, daycare employee, primary teacher, or anyone else who spends time around children. I also highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to have better control over their emotions (this book coupled with Emotional Intelligence 2.0 would be perfect). I love love love this book. Read it!

I had to buy my own copy of this book after I got it out of the library years ago, in part because it was so helpful and in part because I felt the need to highlight so much of it in bright yellow as a reminder to myself. :)

This book is about changing our own outlooks and learning to change the way we react to stress with our children. It is not light reading, since it is so full of deep thoughts, lessons, ideas, plans and things to think about. There is a lot of very helpful stuff in here that can help change the way you think about your children and give you much more peace, plus it's designed to help you learn discipline for your own life and pass that on to your kids. I've read a ton of parenting books, especially attachment parenting ones, and out of all of them this is probably the one I got the most out of.

It has been a while I did not read any parenting books at all. I used to read it a lot when my daughter was in pre-school age. And I relax a lot more when she entered formal education, things were quite manageable. I remember somewhere, when they hit the age of 9, things change again, they are entering the period of teenage life, it is going to be a different game all together. I think I can feel it, it is no longer as easy as before to deal with my daughter who is going to be 10 years old next year. So that probably the reason I pick up parenting book again. Honestly after reading more than 50 parenting books, all of them sound very similar. Parenting is not about giving order, but walk the talk. our kids are the reflection of us ... simple as that. The same as what it said in this book, before we discipline our kids, we discipline our-self first.

This book introduced the concept of 7 power of self control that help us as parents to model the behavior to the children. 7 basic disciplines that help children to manage sticky situation and 7 value of living such as integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility etc.

the 7 power of self control are : The power of perception, no one can make us angry without our permission. The power of attention, what we focus on, we get more of. The power of Free Will, the only person we can make change is ourselves. The power of unity, focus on connecting instead of trying to be special. The power of love, see the best in one another. The power of acceptance, this moment is at it is. The power of Intention, conflict is an opportunity to teach.

From these 7 powers of self control, we eventually will produce 7 basic discipline skills that we can always use constructively to respond any difficult moment or situation. By Doing these we eventually create a home that models the 7 values of living. This will happen automatically. As parent change their attitudes and behaviors, so will their children.

Now, the 7 basic discipline skills are Composure, living the values we want our child to develop. This teaches integrity. Encouragement, Honoring children so they will honor us. This teaches interdependence. Assertiveness, saying no and being heard. This teaches respect. Choices, Building self-esteem and willpower. This teaches commitment. Positive Intent, turning resistance into corporation, this teaches cooperation. Empathy, handling the fusing and the fits, this teaches compassion. and lastly Consequences, helping children learn from their mistakes. this teaches responsibility.

In all ... this is a good book to read after few years out from parenting book. I am glad I picked up this book. It is a good reminder once again, what is PARENTING ALL ABOUT. cheers all.

There is a lot in this book I will never remember (lots of rules in sets of seven for some reason), including a seven-week plan that I will never complete. Fortunately, there is a LOT of good in here too. It was really eye-opening to read about the differences between passive, aggressive and assertive and how as adults we typically fall into one category and that makes all the difference in how our kids respond to us. I also have been practicing attributing positive intent to everything my kids do. It's much harder than it seems, but truly does make a difference. I'm not sure I quite agree with the author's take on rewards/punishments and the use of thank you and please, but it's definitely food for thought. I've been on a kick of parenting books as of late and this is a stand-out for sure and one I'll likely come back to.

I had a very specific purpose in reading this book. Of my six children, one in particular is quite a challenge. Just by the title, I thought it might be a good fit, and the reviews I read seemed very favorable.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation
(2000, William Morrow) by  Becky A. Bailey has given me a fresh perspective, which is a bit of a feat. I’ve heard everything, tried everything, etc. As a deaf education major in college, my master’s project was to write a review on all the research I could find about discipline in the classroom. I taught middle and high school for three years before becoming a stay at home mom, and have racked up fourteen years of experience as a mother (and a foster mother). And yet, this one child continues to stump me.

Rating: 5 stars

Christian elements: This isn’t a Christian book. However, I felt that the author does occasionally show respect for a variety of religions without promoting one over the other. Here’s an example:

“If your best efforts still do not resolve the conflict, I suggest you step back from the event entirely. Breathe deeply, bow your head, and say, ‘Thank you for all the teaching opportunities I have had today.’ Having observed this moment of reverence, …”

Ideas and quotes: I’ll list a few things, particularly those that I found in the beginning of the book.

*”Your job as a parent is to strengthen, not break, your child’s will. That will has a vital role to play in ensuring his safety and the fulfillment of his potential… His will can give him the strength to choose healthy foods…. It can empower him to refuse dangerous drugs and peers… Your child’s will can only serve him if it is left strong and whole, not if it is weak or broken.”

*”Misbehavior actually serves many wonderful purposes in your child’s development. It would be misguided to try to stop misbehavior. Your goal is better framed as preventing the likelihood of misbehavior being repeated and becoming habitual. You can do this by responding to misbehavior wisely when it happens.”

*The author explains that we (parents, etc.) need to “become the person I wanted children to be… In order to do this, I needed to develop self-control.” (My pastor prefers the term “control of self” to indicate that we want to accept God’s guidance in reigning in our own ungodly behavior rather than being controlled by our own desires. We are in self-control when we throw a tantrum, he would say!) The author lists “the seven powers for self-control,” my favorite of which is “The power of perception: No one can make you angry without your permission.”

*“Every conflict presents you with a choice. You can choose to view conflict as an opportunity to teach or as an opportunity to blame and punish.”

*“When you have been treated with disrespect, you need to respond assertively. If you respond aggressively, you are simply treating your child with disrespect while trying to teach respect.”

What I liked:

There is so much more in this book. I will just add that I was very gratified to see that this book did NOT advocate rewards. I’ve long felt that rewards are for recognizing especially hard work or for the accomplishment of a long-term goal. And if you think about it, it gets particularly sticky when dealing with a whole house full of children. (Why does ___ get a lollipop for finishing homework?)

The last chapter is a summary/refresher course along with specific suggestions about when, how, and in what sequence to start implementing Ms. Bailey’s ideas. This is great, as there’s so much to remember.

What I didn’t like:

My life as a mother isn’t magically fixed. Bummer. However, the book delivered far more than I expected. At times, I am not sure how to apply the concepts taught (or don’t remember to do so), so I’m planning to occasionally browse the areas I marked. Maybe make myself a cheat sheet… I should probably do it before my next book review, as starting next Friday, I will have all six kids home for the summer Don’t get me wrong - I love them. But chaos will ensue. Opportunities for conflict multiply. Hello, summer!

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The bottom line: This book is great to give a parent (or other authority figure) a fresh outlook on discipline. I may try Managing Emotional Mayhem.

This book, as with all Becky Bailey books, is nothing but fluff and "feel good" psychology. Yes, let's love the children. Let's nurture them. Of course, that is what we should strive for. I'm not in disagreement with the basic premises. But what about the 4-year-old who calls his teacher a bitch? What about the 6-year-old who hurls a chair into the face of a peer? Becky Bailey does not provide one ounce of empirical support for any of her assertions. She invites organizations like Head Start to use her books and "rituals" and she holds elaborate conferences on her magical wisdom. Of course, it would cost an organization thousands of dollars to send employees to a conference or, alternatively, cost thousands more to have the great Ms. Bailey make an on-site visit. When you truly have a passion for enhancing the development of young children—a passion that primarily focuses on poverty-stricken groups, such as those found in Head Start—you don’t charge tens of thousands of dollars for consultation and conferences. You use research-based strategies—not feel good fluff—to support your claims. By all means, check out Becky Bailey if you deal solely with higher-SES children and families. But if you work with children who present a diverse range of learning and behavioral difficulties, you are unlikely to find any practical or realistic tips.

I tend toward perfectionism and pessimism... generally, not a healthy or happy combo. Since reading Learned Optimism in nine years ago, I've made great progress in changing my thought process toward faith, hope and optimism. Bailey centers on many of the same positive psychology principles, so a lot of what she had to say wasn't new to me. However, she gave me several new concrete ways (attribute positive intent, disobedience is not disrespect, and focus on what you want, just to name a few) to apply optimism in life and parenting.

It also makes sense that you cannot teach your children what you don't know. I'd never thought it about it before, but why should I expect my child to do what I have not mastered? Eating healthy is a good example. ;-)

Bailey occasionally sends a "if you do X, you have ruined your child" message, but those paragraphs, though extremely off-putting, are actually few in number compared to the prevailing "don't beat yourself up" attitude. She also encourages you to take what works for you and leave the rest.

I realize she isn't a mother herself, but I've found her advice helpful thus far. As I've tried to apply the concepts taught, I have been happier and more secure in my parenting (especially during my daughter's two-year old moments).

This was the first book I've read on Positive Discipline. I rolled my eyes a lot at all the self-help language. And I felt ridiculous when trying out positive, empathic phrases on my kids (and afterwards realizing that I still got it wrong and ended up bribing or threatening a time out or something). But then I could see my son react well even to my stupid phrasings, and I feel like we're better understanding each other. Not that his behavior has radically changed, but there's something good happening here, I'm sure of it. I'm going to read Dr. Sears' book, "The Discipline Book" (also a positive discipline book) and hopefully it won't sound like an infomercial the way this one often does.

I haven’t read a lot of parenting books, but I’ve read a few and this is BY FAR the best. It is highly practical and applicable. I found it extremely useful and it has completely revolutionized the way I think about how to parent and how to discipline effectively. It’s taken me a long time to get through; I read it slowly, but I wanted everything to sink in. It is still sinking in. What Bailey teaches takes lots of practice because it requires a lot of intentionality and behavioral changes in *yourself* as much as your children. So good. Will be referring back to this book over and over and over again until it’s second nature. Highly recommend.

I finished a few days ago what will be a life changing book in this house. The book called - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey (also from the list of books I got from Soulemama.com) has to be one of the first parenting books dealing with disciplining that has spoken to me in such deep and profound ways.

Now, I also have to tell you, prior to this book I pretty much wrote off all parenting books (and yes, I did just write about a parenting book that I also thought was a good read - but that felt different because it wasn't a book about the day to day grind and trying to discipline your kids, ya know?). Anyway, I have read a few parenting books in my day, I have tried them out (after hearing other rave about them) and they have not worked for me, in my house, with my kids. And I had given up on all of them. Life, clearly was not that easy and I needed to forge my own path with my kids and do what felt right for us.

With my girls, that was easy. Probably too easy - and that should have been my clue. Don't have any more kids. Cause you can't get three easy kids, I had already used up the easy genes LOL! And so I walked around thinking I was a great parent. And then came my son. I often joke that I thought I was too good of a parent and God sent him to me to humble me.

And humble me he did. He threw tantrums I had only heard about before. He whined more than I thought one child was capable of doing. Once he had his mind on doing something, there was nothing you could do. Redirect? Ha! That was a joke. He gave up napping at 9 months old. He was my hardest to get to go to sleep without crying and whining. He has broken every. single. rule. Multiple times. He hits. He throws. He kicks. He takes. He grabs. He fights. He is a difficult child to say the least

Now, allow me for one moment to also tell you - he laughs more than other child I have known. He cuddles with me. He kisses. He hugs. He loves. He giggles. He reads with me. He idolizes his sisters. He worships his dad. And he loves me to pieces. I tell you this, because I feel it's only fair to show you both sides of him and not just the struggles we have had, because as much as he sometimes makes me want to run away screaming to not have to deal with another tantrum, he is at heart a kind and loving child. I just wish that side of him was the only one I have to deal with!

Anyway, back to the book. I started it. I admit at the beginning I laughed. I thought no way. This is too complicated. No one can do all of this! And this lady has really great ideas but they seem so impractical! But I kept reading (perhaps out of desperation) and it started to speak to me some more and then a little more. And a couple of days ago I needed to get my son to do something - and I knew it would turn into a power struggle, so I decided to give the ideas a whirl. And it worked. Just like that. It worked. My chin hit the floor and I was speechless. And we tried it again. And it worked. And then something else happened that made me try something else in the book. And it worked. And so we've been trying these ideas out with a lot of success.

This does mean he doesn't melt down. Or that I have stopped yelling. Because people, he's three. And so he's going to melt down. And I'm high strung and too easily upset. So when he doesn't listen I still yell. We are not perfect in this house, but you know what, it is helping. There is a bit more peace here. And I'm so grateful for that. Because most of my parenting energy went right to him and I always fear that someday my girls will say I spent all my time on him and they didn't get enough. This is getting better by the day though.

I've now devoured the entire book and it all clicked in my head. I get it all. I want to go back and reread it all. It's got a lot to it. And she says read it slowly to practice - I don't have that luxury - it's a library book. I do believe we will buy it though - it speaks that much to me. But it really does make sense and can I just say the author includes times where she hasn't done it so well and mistakes she has made, which I love. I hate reading books from people who say things like "this always works. And once you do this you'll always have great, grand times." And that irks me so much I can't read the book. Not so with this book. She mentions a couple times, kids are kids, and they will misbehave - even the most perfect child will misbehave. That's what kids do. And parents will make mistakes. Even the most perfect ones will. And I'm telling you, that right there is so helpful to read from an expert. And I really got the message that I needed to accept what was happening as it was and not wistfully wish for something else (mostly perfection and happy, well-behaved, polite, intelligent children at all times traipsing around life with a happy, calm, peaceful mother!).

Anyway, I'm now at the point where I wish I had read this book much sooner in life (although husband and I did discuss that even if I had read a year or two or more ago it might not have spoke to me then. Something interesting to ponder I think) and I believe in it. And I've been using some things with the girls too.

I know this is already long, but to give you an idea of the book and what she discusses, she constantly comes back to parents can't teach what they don't know. If you want your kids to be disciplined, you have to be disciplined, etc. etc. She talks about how time-outs and reasoning are used often as disciplining children but parents forget to teach the correct behavior. Her example of this is great and to sum it she says imagine you fill out a form at work. The boss calls you in his office and says, you have filled this form our wrong. Go to the lounge and think about your actions for 10 minutes and then you can come out again when you are done. So you go and think about it and come out. The next day you have to fill the form out again, you still don't know how to do it, so you get in trouble again. It really got me to think about the teaching part of discipline ... no, you have to say you filled it out wrong. Come here so I can show the correct way to fill this out. And even after being shown it once, you might need to be reminded of a few things a few more times. She also talks about choices. Because we parents are so good at giving choices. She also talks about real choices and fake choices. Apparently I've been using fake choices, as in "You may clean your toys or go sit in your room." See, that's a fake choice because one is clearly bad, so it's not really a choice. Who knew, this whole time I was giving fake choices. No, use real choices You may pick up your legos first or your books first. The child can't choose not to pick up, but does get a choice and a say in what he is doing. Brilliant (this is the one I've used the most so far because it's the easiest to incorporate in my opinion). She also talks about being vague - giving a command like be nice. That's vague. A toddler doens't know what that means, so be concrete.

Okay, if you've read this far - bless you. If you are struggling with getting kids to listen, to tame whining, to make your house more peaceful, I so completely recommend this book. But, I also recommend you get it from the library or borrow it from someone. Because as much as this book spoke to me, it might not speak to you (cause I've been there too!). But, I hope and pray if you are struggling with these issues, that this book does speak to you, because then reading it and beginning to use it will help your day run more smoothly I believe!