Γροθιά στο στομάχι.

Η Miller διανθίζει αυτό το μαργαριτάρι με δεκάδες αληθινά παραδείγματα από το ντιβάνι της ψυχανάλυσης: στην πλειονότητα των περιπτώσεων το παιδικό τραύμα πηγάζει από ασήμαντα στα μάτια του ενήλικα περιστατικά (δεν αναφέρομαι προφανώς σε extreme περίπτωσης βίας και κακομεταχείρισης παιδιών). Όμως εκεί έγκειται και η πηγή του πόνου: στο ότι οι γονείς έχουν ξεχάσει να είναι παιδιά. Ο κόσμος τους είναι ένας κόσμος απονιάς και επιβολής εξουσίας.

Συν τοις άλλοις, το δικό τους τραύμα (από τους δικούς τους γονείς) ξυπνάει ατόφιο, ασυνείδητο, απαιτητικό: αποτελεί την κινητήριο δύναμη της γονεϊκής συμπεριφοράς.

Η Miller φτάνει στο σημείο να συσχετίσει κοινωνικές συμπεριφορές και πολιτικά φαινόμενα με την κακομεταχείριση του ατόμου στην παιδική ηλικία. Μ' αυτόν τον τρόπο όμως δίνεται στο αναγνωστικό κοινό μία ευκαιρία αλλαγής του status quo. Ο εντοπισμός της ρίζας του κακού και η ευθύνη της διαχείρισης του τραύματος από τον καθένα ξεχωριστά μπορεί να περιορίσει την διαιώνιση του πόνου από γενιά σε γενιά.

Θα μπορούσε κάλλιστα να αποτελεί εγχειρίδιο μελλοντικών γονέων ή οδηγό "Πώς να μεγαλώσετε το παιδί σας σωστά" (σωστά για εκείνο, όχι για εσάς, βεβαίως βεβαίως).

Το συστήνω ανεπιφύλακτα. Μία ανάγνωση ίσως να μην είναι αρκετή.

A succinct and insightful book about the effects of child abuse. While childhood mistreatment may give kids certain gifts - such as increased empathy and greater achievement - these strengths come at a great cost. Only by confronting and honoring their pasts can these children rise above their unmet needs. Alice Miller writes with conviction and compassion, and I most enjoyed how she emphasizes the hope all of us gifted children should have: we can all lead fulfilling and meaningful lives, with effort and kindness to ourselves.

Miller does make some generalizations in The Drama of the Gifted Child, as I doubt all feminist women with piercings or angry male politicians faced childhood abuse. However, considering this book's publication date, I forgive her. I read this book at quite the fitting time in my personal life, so expect it to make an appearance in my future memoir/writing.

Lo encontré mucho más árido que su secuela, "El cuerpo nunca miente", a la que creo que le di máximas estrellas, y se me ocurre que quizá porque fue escrito para sicólogos y el segundo, dado el éxito del primero, más al público general.

Aun así, me gustó harto. Es muy interesante. Dice varias cosas muy ciertas y, aun si no lo fueran, dignas de explorar, sobre cómo alguien que no fue amado incondicionalmente de niño, luego en su vida adulta puede vivir maltratado, por él mismo y por los demás, porque no se da cuenta... ya que nunca supo lo que era el amor real en primer lugar.

Hay varias cosas que me gustaron.

1, No considera a los padres negligentes necesariamente como malvados, sino que muchas veces personas que antes de ser padres también fueron niños y pasaron por un abuso parecido. Eso abre todo un círculo de comprensión.

2, No le gusta etiquetar a las personas, o que los terapeutas lo hagan. Narcisistas, sociópatas, lo que sea. Dice que, cuando esto sucede, el mismo terapeuta queda en la misma posición jerárquica despectiva que los niños vivieron en primer lugar.

3. Habla de las posibles falencias y errores que los terapeutas pueden tener, y hace a uno recordar que ellos también son seres humanos. Les da muchas indicaciones sobre cómo no repetir el trauma que los pacientes tuvieron. Eso me pareció muy distinto y también bastante necesario. Es cierto, como ella dice, que cuando uno va a terapia se aproxima a esa persona como a una especie de dios, cuando no debiera ser así.

4. Cree que cualquier persona puede "curarse" completamente. Las comillas porque también dice que nunca es un proceso completo. O sea, que alguien que dejó de sentirse a sí mismo puede volver al mundo de los vivos SIN IMPORTAR sus primeros orígenes. Eso es esperanzador, para el individuo y la sociedad en general.

5. No apunta a que de adultos estemos obligados a dar o a pedir amor incondicional al otro. Eso me pareció bastante sabio. Y cierto. Saber poner límites.

6. Si habla de tener amor incondicional a uno mismo, y cómo el origen de todos los malos es cuando uno se corta partes o aspectos de su ser para "encajar".

7. Tiene tanta fe en su método de terapia que una termina su libro como envuelta en un arrebato de fe. En uno mismo y también en todos los demás. Que la gente, en el fondo, nunca es mala.


Y esas son las cosas que me gustaron especialmente, aunque hay harto más que explorar (casi todo, de hecho, jaja). Aunque ojo que tiene también sus lados oscuros, visiones que están completamente desactualizadas, y partes que podrían ser políticamente bastante incorrectas... pero en general es muy bueno y entiendo su éxito.

Tres estrellas y no cuatro o cinco, porque... a veces lo encontré un tanto reiterativo y también porque quizá no hablaba de cosas que me interesaran TANTO. Pensé que iba a ser más detallado, con más casos y ejemplos, más "sorprendente" por así decirlo. La verdad es que se me hizo un poco cansino y me aburrí en algunas partes. A veces la autora habla de una manera tan elevada, que cuesta identificarse con lo que dice, o seguirle el hilo.

Pero de que es bueno, lo es.


Un par de citas que destaqué:

1.
Hay personalidades que pueden soportar la pérdida de la belleza, salud, juventud o de algún ser querido, con duelo, pero sin deprimirse. Y a la inversa: hay personas con grandes que sufren grandes depresiones.

¿Por qué? Porque uno está libre de depresiones cuando la autoestima arraiga en la verdadera autenticidad de los sentimientos propios y no en la posesión de determinadas cualidades.


2.
El fuerte que conoce su debilidad porque la ha vivido no necesita hacer demostraciones de fuerza mediante el desprecio.


3. [El caso del pobre Herman Hesse (escritor) a quienes sus papás simplemente no amaban como él era, y que vivió eso terrible que cuentan en este libro: creer que se MERECÍAN el castigo].

Cuando su hijo cumple cuatro años, ella (su mamá) declara sufrir muy particularmente con la terquedad del niño, que combate con diversa fortuna. A los quince años, Hermann Hesse es enviado a Stetten, un hospital para enfermos mentales y epilépticos, a fin de que su "espíritu terco y contradictorio fuera domesticado al fin".

(...) Solo tras una "enmienda" se le abría la posibilidad de salir del hospital, de modo que el joven se "enmendó". En un poema posterior, dedicado a sus padres, se restituyen la renegación y la idealización: Hesse se acusa de haberles complicado la vida a sus progenitores con "su manera de ser".

4.
¿Podrán acaso los sentimientos intensos y placenteros estimular también este desarrollo?

En una cárcel estadounidense se comprobó que los delincuentes peligrosos a los que durante el día se les hacía cuidar pequeños animales en sus celdas sólo reincidían en el 20% de los casos, mientras que los otros carentes de este "entrenamiento de los emociones", presentaban un índice de reincidencia del 80%.

Esta estadística muestra, entre otras cosas, que esas personas que antes habían vivido separadas de sus sentimientos, destruyendo así su propia vida y la ajena, podían desarrollar ahora en su interior sentimientos hacia un ser vivo. Esta experiencia les permitió no seguir rechazando su necesidad de amor, recuperar una parte de su autoestima y, de ese modo, tomar decisiones más humanas.

"It's a seminal work in my field," Dr. Paul Weston (HBO's "In Treatment") said in response to Frances, the daughter-diagnosed-narcissist, when Frances asked her therapist, Paul (the brooding Gabriel Byrne), if he's ever heard of, "The Drama of the Gifted Child."

Naturally, I downloaded the book the next day.

Self-help it is not. Well, not exactly; and I mean that in a good way. But it is a quick read, and only $5 on Kindle!

If you're even thinking of having kids, you must read it, or not, because then you might not want to procreate and perpetuate the madness. ;)

This book seems to be written for therapists, or rather, psychoanalysts. It's Freud-heavy without being exactly Freudian.

We are all deeply affected by what happened to us as children, even if we were loved and nurtured, chances are, something messed with us. And in turn, we will dish out similar horror on the people we love, especially our children, unless we get the bottom of it, and find our true self, a self that might have been repressed because of a childhood trauma.

Is therapy the answer? Yes, but not always. Perhaps one of the most practical parts of the book is when Miller lists what she would look for in a therapist, and the types of questions she would ask the prospective analyst, specifically: "Why did you choose this field?" This is essential.

But even if you go to therapy, and think you've found a good shrink, he might be unconsciously taking his issues out on you. This is why it's so important to do your research, and ask for references.

To paraphrase Socrates, the unexamined life is not only not worth living, it's dangerous to future generations.

- If a mother respects both herself and her child from his very first day onward, she will never need to teach him respect for others. He will, of course, take both himself and others seriously—he couldn't do otherwise. But a mother who, as a child, was herself not taken seriously by her mother as
the person she really was will crave this respect from her child as a substitute; and she will try to get it by training him to give it to her.

-The parents have found in their child's "false self the confirmation they were looking for, a substitute for their own missing structures; the child, who has been unable to build up his own structures, is first consciously and then unconsciously (through the introject) dependent on his parents. He cannot rely on his own emotions, has not come to experience them through trial and error, has no sense of his own real needs, and is alienated from himself to the highest degree.

-it is remarkable how these attentive, lively, and sensitive children who can, for example, remember exactly how they discovered the sunlight in bright grass at the age of four, yet at eight might be unable to "notice anything" or to show any curiosity about the pregnant mother or, similarly, were "not at all" jealous at the birth of a sibling. Again, at the age of two, one of them could be left alone while soldiers forced their way into the house and searched it, and she had "been good," suffering this quietly and without crying.
They have all developed the art of not experiencing feelings, for a child can only experience his feelings when there is somebody there who accepts him fully, understands and supports him. If that is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother's love, or that of her substitute, then he cannot experience these feelings secretly "just for himself" but fails to experience them at all.

سه و نیم منصفانه‌تره.

One more reason to treat children, and ALL of their emotions with respect. This includes our own inner children, of course.

Great book, but better for gifted/hsp/spd adults or teens would be: Living with Intensity and The Highly Sensitive Person. Much more helpful for the above types of people in learning to deal with their intensity. This book is mostly useful as a warning: "This is possibly what your parents did to make you an over-sensitive person with no self, read this so you are very clear about what you may do to your own children." There is very little about what to do instead (as a parent), so if what you are looking for is helpful alternatives or a better way to raise children, read my blog or Non Violent Communication, The Art of Living Consciously, Dear Parents: Caring for Children with Respect, and What to do when Babies and children cry.

Other notes:

"He is envious of healthy people because they do not have to make a constant effort to earn admiration, and because they do not have to do something in order to impress, one way or the other, but are free to be 'average.'" Is that the mark of a healthy person--averageness? Contentment with being average?

Is "over-sensitivity" really something created in children by parents or is it a physical reality we are born with? Parents of HSP, gifted or today called SPD would insist that their children were born that way and they are victims of overly sensitive, high maintenance children. Would these gifted children truly become average and normal if their needs were met "enough" in childhood? Or would they be even more brilliant, able to access even more parts of themselves?

Do ALL sensitive kids exhibit co-dependent tendencies? If so, is it truly the fault of parents or is it a natural feature of having been so sensitive as a child?

Could this problem be solved by providing children with more adults to connect with, more people from whom he can get his needs met? i.e. do we not create this problem by shutting one woman alone in a house with a baby rather than having 10 adults and 20 older children and teens available to connect with the child?

It is not just our parents that teach us not to listen to ourselves, everything in our society from sports to school, teaches us to repress our exhaustion, push through, don't listen to our bodies, do what we don't want to do, punish punish punish ourselves, discipline ourselves--success is only bought at the price of how much misery we can carry. When in fact, the opposite is true. But my point is: parents are not the only or even the main cause of this. This book does not really address this.

Interesting that this author believes people can be happy with social metaphysics. She calls them "emotionally conforming". Is that what it looks like to be healthy then? Emotionally conforming content to be average? She does not clarify this.

"Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings."

To find our true selves we must mourn and mourn and mourn... I think Nathaniel Branden is more helpful on this one. It's not just about feeling and feeling and feeling--it's about feeling AND thinking, processing, deciding. You don't feel for the sake of feeling, you feel to gather information. Most people miss this.This is why no one holds a candle to Branden when it comes to psychology books.

"Society not only suppresses instinctual wishes but also it suppresses particular feelings (like anger) and narcissistic needs (for esteem, respect) whose admissibility in adults and fulfillment in children would lead to individual autonomy and emotional strength, and thus would not be convenient for those in power." Why, this author must be a Libertarian then, right?!

First things first, misleading title. "Prisonners of Childhood" is more accurate.
This book is an eye opener! I've read some of it a few years back and just now have gotten to reading it fully. The gist of it is that parents' expectations of their children can be projected in such a way on them, that it robs them from their "true feelings" and "true self", trying to become the "perfect" child that will meet their parents approval and gain their love.A lot of times, the children ignore/shut off/repress their own needs and feelings to fully live up to their parents' expectations/demands, out of fear that if they don't, their parents will abondon them (not literally, but their love might wear off).
Very powerful read. As an adult, it truly puts your childhood in restrospective, and makes you understand that how you were brought up as a child influences heavily how you conduct yourself as an adult.

درود بر آلیس میلر. این کتاب درباره تاثیر دوره کودکی و چگونگی سرکوبی احساسات میگه و اگه خاطرات این دوره تا حدودی با جزئیات یادتون باشه، به تخلیه احساسی کمک میکنه.

به شدت مشتاق شدم کتاب بدن هرگز‌ دروغ نمی‌گوید رو از همین نویسنده شروع کنم.

کتاب خوب، تاثیرگذار و قابل تاملی بود. به فکر واداشتم و حقیقتا یه مورمور ترسناکی توی وجودم انداخت تا بیشتر از این عمیق بشم. من تجربه های مشابه با روشی که نویسنده معرفی کرده رو قبلا تجربه کردم، هرچند حقیقتا تجربه‌ی دردناکیه اما در انتها رهایی‌بخشه. مورد بعدی اینه که باز هم علی‌رغم میلم به والد کودکی شدن، یک دلیل دیگه برای ترسیدن از این کار بهم داد. ترس از اینکه آیا می‌تونم کم‌ترین آسیب رو به یک انسان که تحت مسئولیت منه بزنم یا نه؟ و یک بار دیگه بهم یادآوری کرد که پرورش یک انسان کاری بشدت حساس و نیازمند آگاهی و آموزشه. ترجمه هم خیلی خوب بود! احتمالا در آینده بازخوانیش کنم.

چقدر کتاب حقی بود!
به‌ نظرم همه باید یه دور بخوننش.
● آلیس میلر توی این کتاب به این می‌پردازه که ریشه‌ی همه‌ی ناهنجاری‌های روانی و رفتاری بشری توی آسیب‌هاییه که فرد توی کودکی خورده. کودک تمام احساسات خودش رو بعد از این آسیب‌ها سرکوب کرده ولی بعدن این احساسات واپس‌زده توی بدنش انباشته میشن و خودشون رو به اشکال مختلفی مثل افسردگی، خودنمایی، وسواس‌های فکری و رفتارهای انحرافی جنسی و... نشون میدن.

The Drama of the Gifted Child is one of those rare gems that isn’t afraid to cut deep into the heart of the psyche. Alice Miller, an esteemed therapist, explains that those who grew up with parents or caretakers that disrespected, neglected or abused them have developed a false sense of self. The child becomes molded into what the parents want them to be, rather than accepting the child for who he or she is. This is also true for those of us who were praised for our accomplishments rather than for who we really are.

Miller asserts that in order to reconnect with our true self, which here means our needs and emotions, we must confront and grieve the history of our painful childhood in the safety of the therapy. It is only once we allow ourselves to feel and understand our repressed emotions that we can begin to show up as our authentic self. This also allows us to break free from maladaptive generational cycles of behavior and hold space and unconditional love for our own children.

This is a fantastic and insightful book that unflinchingly peels back all of the layers. The Drama of The Gifted Child tackles a challenging and emotional subject with unparalleled clarity, grace and aplomb. At only 144 pages it manages to be both succinct and accessible. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to dive deep and get to the root of their problems once and for all.