Beni çok etkileyen bir kitap oldu. Dönüp dönüp belli yerlerini okurum. Herkesin okumasını istediğim kitaplardan biri.

هر انسان بالغي بي شك "دوران كودكي" خود را با خاطرات و اثرات متنوعي سپري كرده است. خاطرات اكثر انسانها و درك آنها از خود معمولا از سه يا چهارسالگي شروع مي شود، روانشناسان معتقدند كه روان آدمي از دوران نوزادي از محيط اطراف و رفتار اطرافيان تاثير مي پذيرد. آليس ميلر روانكاو سوييسي در اين اثر به بررسي اثرات دوران كودكي بر روان آدمي و نقش آن در شكل گيري شخصيت و باورهاي مركزي انسان پرداخته است. انتظاراتي در دوران كودكي بر هر فردي تحميل مي شود و كودك ناخودآگاه براي بقا، مورد پسند واقع شدن و در نهايت بدست اوردن "عشق والدين" دست به انكار خود واقعي زده و زير نقابي از خواسته هاي والدين "خود" را پنهان مي كند.
در اين اثر تنها سخن از افرادي نيست كه در دوران كودكي تحت شكنجه هاي جسمي و رواني بوده اند، بلكه حتي افرادي كه خاطره هاي خوش بسياري از دوران كودكي خود دارند چه بسا از "خود واقعي" شان دور افتاده باشند .
ابراز "خود واقعي" هر انسان و نشان دادن آن به جهانيان از نيازهاي اساسي هر انسان است كه مي تواند در دوران رشد او كاملا سركوب و حتي از خود آگاه وي حذف شده باشد.
رها شدن تصوير ذهني انسان از بايدها و ارزشهاي والدينش قدم مهمي در يافتن و بروز "خود واقعي" اوست.
اين اثر به بيش از بيست زبان ترجمه شده و خوانندگان بسياري با مطالعه آن به حقايق بسياري در مورد خود دست يافته و روانكاوان ب��ياري از اين نظريه و روش براي درمان مراجعين خود استفاده كرده اند.
پ ن: خواندن اين اثر را به دوستاني كه دغدغه هايي غير از زندگي بيروني و اتفاقات روزمره دارند، به شدت توصيه مي شود

Labai abejojau ar kapstymąsis po savo vidų karo fone yra tai, ką turėčiau daryti. Bet miela Vita aka Vita Janas parašė labai įdomią frazę - galbūt tuomet, kai esame įsiaudrinę ir viskas iškilę į paviršių, yra tinkamiausias laikas, nes nebėra įprastinių saugiklių. Turiu pasakyti, kad labai logiška.

Alice Miller yra psichoterapeutė, kuri savo karjerą paskyrė vaikų traumoms. Ji išsamiai analizuoja kaip netinkamas suaugusiųjų elgesys traumuoja vaikus visam likusiam gyvenimui. Kalba eina apie fizines bausmes, manipuliaciją, vaikų išnaudojimą savo traumoms užkamšyti. Toks elgesys pažeidžia vaiko integralumą ir skatina atsisakyti savasties.

Turiu pripažinti, kad įdomi tema ir įdomus jos išvystymas. Knyga naudinga tiek, tiems, kurie jaučią turį tam tikras traumuojančias patirtis iš vaikystės, tiek kaip prevencija nedaryti atitinkamų klaidų savo tėvystės kelyje. Pateikiama ne tik teorinė medžiaga, bet išsamūs ir iliustratyvūs pavyzdžiai, kurie padeda geriau įsisąmoninti medžiagą.

همیشه آن قدر که احساس میکنیم گناهکار هستیم گناهکار نیستیم و همچنین آن قدر که دوست داریم معصوم باشیم معصوم نیستیم.

متعاقب یه سری صحبت ها و بحث ها با یک از دوستانم چندین وقت پیش، بعد از معرفیش، تصمیم گرفته بودم این رو بخونم که وقفه‌ای افتاد و بالاخره دوباره خوندمش.
کتاب حرف های زیادی میزد. نمیخواست دنبال راهکار برخوردی برا روان‌درمانگری باشی تا به دردت بخوره؛ یه جور نوشته بود که میخواست مخاطبش همه باشند. حالا در طی خوندن یکم حس می‌کنی نوشته هایش بایاس دارند ولی اینکه اون موقع اومده چنین چیزی رو نوشته رو دوست داشتم. می‌تونه برا هر کسی در حدی مفید بشه. ازش نوت زیاد برداشتم که با کتاب‌های تخصصی‌تر بیشتر مقایسه کنم و یه سری مقایسه ها جالب بودند، یه سریش بمونه برا بعدا.

نقطه مقابل واقعی افسردگی نه شادمانی و نه فقدان درد بلکه سرزندگی است؛ یعنی داشتن آزادی عمل برای بروز احساسات خودجوش.

ترجمه فارسیش هم خوب بود و از اونجایی که فایل اودیوی انگلیسیم نصفه بود برگشتم فارسی رو از اول خوندم.
چندتا کتاب هم داخلش معرفی کرد که شاید بعدا سراغشون برم.

ملی گرایی و نژادپرستی و فاشیسم در واقع چیزی نیستند جز ظاهری ایدئولوژیک از گریز از خاطرات دردناک و ناخودآگاه تحقیرهای دیگران و پناه بردن به نوعی بی احترامی خطرناک و ویرانگر نسبت به زندگی بشری که به عنوان یک برنامه سیاسی ستوده میشود.

اسفند ۱۴۰۳

Το βιβλίο αυτό είναι μια αποκάλυψη. Τα 5 αστέρια είναι πραγματικά λίγα. Μακάρι να το διάβαζαν όλοι, ειδικά όσοι επιθυμούν ή επρόκειτο να γίνουν γονείς ή όσοι είχαν (ή νομίζουν πως δεν είχαν...) δύσκολα παιδικά χρόνια. Εξαιρετικό!

Just finished this quick little read. This is a specific kind of book for a specific type of person at a specific point in their specific lives. If the time or the person isn't a great fit, you might hate this book and think it is useless, but if the timing is right, then you might love it. It's about learning about yourself and where you came from. To a certain extent we are all trying to better understand who we are and where we came from. Some people do it more obviously then others. Even if you completely deny that you came from anywhere because you dont like that place, that is your attempt to figure it all out. I read this over three days. The first day i loved it. The second day i hated it, and the third day it was at least likeable once again. It's a psychoanalyst's approach, so there is a lot of talk about your "inner-child," and that isnt always my favorite thing, but there is also a lot of wisdom in this approach to life aswell. Specifically, in the earlier pages the author made a distinction between depression and grandiosity and drew some great commonalities between the two seeming opposites. That was the one section that struck me, and gave me some "ah ha" moments.

Insomma... Mi aspettavo qualcosa di meglio. La teoria è decisamente troppo semplicistica per i miei gusti e, nonostante sia molto evocativa e funzioni a livello divulgativo, non è adatta agli addetti ai lavori, che fanno della complessità il loro pane quotidiano. Davvero per l'autrice la depressione può derivare solo dal non essere stati visti dai propri genitori? Ci sono tantissime variabili che possono entrare in gioco in questi casi. Per non parlare di come l'autrice racconta il trauma complesso e gli abusi sessuali su minori. Se ci si vuole documentare sul Falso Sé consiglio sempre un grande classico: "sviluppo affettivo e ambiente" di Winnicott, così si va sul sicuro.

for the people who seem to have it all yet hunger for so much.

this is not the psychopop of twelve-step, i-got-in-touch-with-my-anger-today, neurosis-no-more books. "gifted" here has nothing to do with what your school counselor/teacher told was gifted or talented. rather, the original german word refers to the ability to empathize and meet the needs of a parent figure--at the loss of your true self. while this gift might enable one to survive his/her childhood, the gifted person's unmet need to express without fear her true feelings and wishes lingers like a virus that wreaks a quiet havoc on one's sense of self throughout adulthood if untreated. this book offers the start of such treatment, best summed-up in a word: hope.

thanks to this book, i have a lot of hope. not to mention a keener understanding of a lot of the characters in my life--the good, the bad, and the ugly. we gifted types are everywhere.

Sono in un momento particolare della mia vita e questo libro mi è stato raccomandato da una persona che mi sta aiutando. E' veloce da leggere,forse non troppo comprensibile a chi non ha a che fare con la psicoanalisi, ma per chi come me sta facendo i conti con il suo passato è una lettura interessante.
I concetti in cui mi ritrovo di più è che "inconsciamente la tragedia dell'infanzia vissuta dai genitori continua nel rapporto con i figli,se la rimozione rimane irrisolta. Non possiamo cambiare di una virgola il nostro passato,né cancellare i danni che ci furono inflitti nell'infanzia. Possiamo però cambiare noi stessi, riparare i guasti, riacquisire la nostra integrità perduta.Possiamo fare questo nel momento in cui decidiamo di osservare più da vicino le conoscenze che riguardano gli eventi passati e che sono memorizzate nel nostro corpo,per accostarle alla nostra coscienza. Non sarà facile (no, proprio per niente) ma è indispensabile.
I ricordi rimossi della madre distante,che rifiutava il contatto,avevano mantenuto vivo nella figlia il senso del "muro" che la separava dagli altri (credevo di averli rimossi e,invece, sta riaffiorando tutto, ma quel muro lo distruggerò. Madre distante nell'infanzia non può dover dire figlia sempre presente da adulta)
Sempre più studi scientifici ritengono che l'imprinting iniziale all'inizio della vita con la madre sia essenziale a formare il legame meraviglioso mamma-figlia che poi si avrà tutta la vita (devo chiedere alla mia se c'è stato,sempre se lo ricorda)

Sicuramente leggerò altro di questa scrittrice

(Review August 2024)
I read this three years ago but remember that I felt like I didn't really grasp it. And I really didn't. I talked about narcissism back then but this time around I feel like this book is about so much more. It's about the early relationship experience the infants has with his/her mother and how that shapes him/her later in life. This time is so crucial and when the mother/care-giver is abusive it really damages the person. There were four main takeaways from this book. 1.) One has to face one's childhood pain, process those feelings in order to move forward and really change. One really has to connect with one's own feelings and not diminish them at all. 2.) One has to let go of illusions and accept that the parent wasn't good. One has to let go of the hope that the parent will change and/or let go of the excuses that one deserved such abusive treatment. If one doesn't do this, the cycle will repeat and behavioral patterns won't change. 3.) Grandiosity and depression are two faces of the same coin. When one refuses to acknowledge reality and the childhood pain, one turns to grandiosity to feel good about oneself. This is very fragile, dependent on outside validation and a defense against depression. Depression is the defense against the reality that one has lost the self. 4.) The last take-away is that it is important to target one's anger at the right person and not at innocent people. It's a painful real but contains a lot of important lessons. Even though I was sad to hear that the author's son had a bad relationship with his mother.

n  
"Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery of the truth about the unique history of our childhood."

"The suffering person begins to be articulate and breaks with her former compliant attitudes, but because of her early experience she cannot believe she is not incurring mortal danger, she fears rejection and punishment when she defends her rights in the present. The patient is surprised by feelings she would rather not have recognized, but now it is too late: Awareness of her own impulses has already been aroused, and there is no going back. Now the once intimidated and silenced child can experience herself in a way she had never before thought possible, and afterward she can enjoy the relief of having taken the risk and been true to herself. "

"At first it will be mortifying to see that she is not always good, understanding, tolerant, controlled, and, above all, without needs, for these have been the basis of her self-respect."

"It also means being able to experience the resentment and mourning aroused by our parents' failure to fulfill our primary needs."

"One is totally defenseless against this sort of manipulation in childhood. The tragedy is that the parents too have no defense against it, as long as they refuse to face their own history. If the repression stays unresolved, the parents' childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children."

"Every child has a legitimate need to be noticed, understood, taken seriously, and respected by his mother."

"In that case, the child would find not himself in his mother's face, but rather the mother's own projections."

"The automatic, natural contact with his own emotions and needs gives an individual strength and self-esteem."

"Grandiosity is the defense against depression, and depression is the defense against the deep pain over the loss of the self that results from denial."

"There are those with great gifts, often precisely the most gifted, who do suffer from severe depression. For one is free from it only when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of ones own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities."

"The grandiose person is never really free; first, because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail."

"Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing."

"Depression consists of a denial of one's own emotional reactions."

"We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves."

"We could make great progress in becoming more honest, respectful, and conscious, thus less destructive."

"As adults we don't need unconditional love, not even from our therapists. This is a childhood need, one that can never be fulfilled later in life, and we are playing with illusions if we have never mourned this lost opportunity."

"Once we have experienced a few times that the breakthrough of intense early-childhood feelings (characterized by the specific quality of noncomprehension) can relieve a long period of depression, this experience will bring about a gradual change in our way of approaching "undesired" feelings - painful feelings, above all. We discover that we are no longer compelled to follow the former pattern of disappointment, suppression of pain, and depression, since we now have another possibility of dealing with disappointment: namely, experiencing the pain. In this way we at last gain access to our earlier experiences - to the parts of ourselves and our fate that were previously hidden from us."

"This ability to grieve - that is to give up the illusion of his "happy" childhood, to feel and recognize the full extent of the hurt he has endured, can restore the depressive's vitality and creativity and free the grandiose person from the exertions of and dependence on his Sisphyean task. If a person is able, during this long process, to experience the reality that he was never loved as a child for what he was but was instead needed and exploited for his achievements, success, and good qualities - and that he sacrificed his childhood for this form of love - he will be very deeply shaken, but one day he will feel the desire to end these efforts. He will discover in himself a need to live according to his true self and no longer be forced to earn "love" that always leaves him empty-handed, since it is give to his false self - something he has begun to identify and relinquish.
The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety not absence of pain, but vitality - the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings. It is part of the kaleidoscope of life that these feelings are not only happy, beautiful, or good but can reflect the entire range of human experience, including envy, jealousy, rage, disgust, greed, despair, and grief. But this freedom cannot be achieved if its childhood roots are cut off. Our access to the true self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of early childhood. Once we have experienced and become familiar with this world, it is no longer strange and threatening. We no longer need to keep it hidden behind the prison walls of illusion. We know now who and what caused our pain, and it is exactly this knowledge that gives us freedom at last from the old pain."

"The child must adapt to ensure the illusion of love, care, and kindness, but the adult does not need this illusion to survive. He can give up this amnesia and the be in a position to determine his actions with open eyes. Only this path will free him from his depression. Both the depressive and the grandiose person completely deny their childhood reality by living as though the availability of the parents could still be salvaged: the grandiose person through the illusion of achievement, and the depressive through his constant fear of losing "love." Neither can accept the truth that this loss or absence of love has already happened in the past, and that no effort whatsoever can change this fact."

"There are various means of developing this sensitivity (to a child's suffering). We may, for instance, observe children who are strangers to us and attempt to feel empathy for them in their situation. But we must, above all, come to have empathy for them in their situation. But we must, above all, come to have empathy for our own fate. Our feelings will always reveal the true story, which no one else knows and which only we can discover."

"If we start from the premise that a person's whole development (and his balance, which is based upon it) is dependent on the way his mother experienced his expression of needs and sensations during his first days and weeks of life, then we must assume that it is here that the beginning of a later tragedy might be set. "

"... that it is not a child's task or duty to satisfy his parent's needs."

"These experiences first show the person that his early adaptation by means of splitting was not an expression of cowardice, but that it was really his only chance to survive, to escape his fear of annihilation."

"...the function (of contempt) is the defense against unwanted feelings. Contempt simply evaporates, having lost its point, when it is no longer useful as a shield - against the child's shame over his desperate, unreturned love; against his feeling of inadequacy, or above all against his rage that his parents were not available... Contempt as a rule will cease with the beginning of mourning of the irreversible that cannot be changed, for contempt, too, has in its own way served to deny the reality of the past."

"Consciously experiencing our legitimate emotions is liberating, not just because of the discharge of long-held tensions in the body but above all because it opens our eyes to reality (both past and present) and frees us of lies and illusions. It gives us back repressed memories and helps dispel attendant symptoms. It is therefore empowering without being destructive. Repressed emotion can be resolved as soon as it is felt, understood, and recognized as legitimate. Being detached from it becomes possible and this is totally different from repression."

n

(Review October 2021)
4.5* because the second half contained quite a few repetitions and felt weaker than the first half.

A very eye-opening book about narcissism and why we behave the way we do. I'm so glad to have finally read this one. I've always heard of this book title but never felt compelled to read it until I accidentally found out that Alice Miller moved to Switzerland where she pursued her career in psychology. It's a short book and very readable. Unfortunately, the second half of the book wasn't as good as the first half.

"On the basis of my experience, I think that the cause of an emotional disturbance is to be found in the infants's early adaptation. The child's needs for respect, echoing, understanding, sympathy, and mirroring have had to be repressed, with several serious consequences. One such consequence is the person's inability to experience consciously certain feelings of his own (such as jealous, envy, anger, loneliness, helplessness, or anxiety), either in childhood or later in adulthood."

"This means tolerating the knowledge that, to avoid losing the 'love' of our parents, we were compelled to gratify their unconscious needs at the cost of our own emotional development. It also means being able to experience the resentment and mourning aroused by our parents' failure to fulfil our primary needs. If we have never consciously lived through this despair and the resulting rage, and have therefore never been able to work through it, we will be in danger of transferring this situation, which then would remain unconscious, onto our patients. It would not be surprising if our unconscious need should find no better way than to make use of a weaker person."

Miller believes that the relationship between the infant and the mother (or any other primary caretaker) is of the utmost importance in determining how narcissistic a person becomes later in life. If a baby/child is given attention, love and respect, they will turn into secure, healthy adults. But if the mother (or any other primary caretaker) is withholding attention and love, the baby/child will adapt and repress this need in order to please the caretaker, but this denial literally turns into a hole for the adult. This adult will constantly feel empty and unfulfilled, leading to narcissistic behaviour. Miller points out two main forms of narcissism, namely grandiosity and depression. Grandiosity refers to the need of outside validation in order to feel good about oneself, whereas depression is the pain of the denial of the true self.

"...grandiosity is the defense against depression, and depression is the defense against the deep pain over the loss of the self that results from denial."

"Probably the greatest of wounds - not to have been loved just as one truly was - cannot heal without the work of mourning. It can be either more or less successfully resisted and covered up (as in grandiosity and depression), or constantly torn open again in the compulsion to repeat."

What Miller wants to highlight the most, is the importance of accepting the reality (weak, unloving parents, and a sad childhood) and going through the mourning process to let go of the past and finally liberate oneself to become the true version of oneself. That wound from childhood can never be filled, but if we recognise it, we can check ourselves when we behave in a compulsive and negative way. Miller also criticises therapists who often take over the role of the mother (primary caretaker), keeping the narcissistic dynamic alive instead of truly helping the patient.

"She will continue in her flight unless she learns that the awareness of old feelings is not deadly but liberating."

"This ability to grieve - that is, to give up the illusion of his 'happy' childhood, to feel and recognize the full extent of the hurt has endured - can restore the depressive's vitality and creativity and free the grandiose person from the exertions of and dependence of his Sisyphean task."

"Both the depressive and the grandiose person completely deny their childhood reality by living as though the availability of the parents could still be salvaged: the grandiose person through the illusion of achievement, and the depressive through his constant fear of losing 'love.' Neither can accept the truth that this loss or absence of love has already happened in the past, and that no effort whatsoever can change this fact.

Overall, this book really enhanced my knowledge on narcissism (most of which comes from Dr. Ramani on Youtube). I feel Miller gained these insights while witnessing the strict and traditional German way of parenting. I get the impression, she is very critical of that. Children will always idealise their parents and will adapt to make their parents happy, not knowing that they are hurting and repressing their own feelings. The tragedy is that this hurt is repeated from generation to generation, if awareness of the trauma is not sought.

"We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it."

"If a child is lucky enough to grow up with a mirroring, available mother who is at the child's disposal - that is, a mother who allows herself to be made use of as a function of the child's development - then a healthy self-feeling can gradually develop in the growing child."

"He seeks insatiably for admiration, of which he never gets enough because admiration is not the same thing as love. it is only a substitute gratification of the primary needs for respect, understanding, and being taken seriously - needs that have remained unconscious since early childhood. Often a whole life is devoted to this substitute. As long as the true need is not felt and understood, the struggle for the symbol of love will continue."

"Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing."

"Women, too, are born with instinctual programming to love, support, protect, and nurture their children and to derive pleasure from doing so. But we are robbed of these instinctual abilities if we are exploited in our childhood for the substitute gratification of our parents' needs."

"We can only solve this riddle if we manage to see the parents, too, as insecure children - children who have at last found a weaker creature, in comparison with whom they can now feel very strong."

Alice Miller, Yetenekli Çocuğun Dramı kitabını, aslında daha çok psikoterapistlere rehberlik etmek üzere kaleme almış. Daha önce bu alanda pek okuma yapmadıysanız, dili biraz ağır ve karmaşık gelebilir. Miller, Ingmar Bergman, Hermann Hesse gibi bazı yazar ve sanatçıların eserlerini ve onlarla ilgili belgeleri (günlükler/mektuplar/rüyalar/röportajlar) incelemiş.

Miller, bireysel ve toplumsal sorunların kaynağını ailede aramamız gerektiğini söylüyor, hatta demokrasimizin geleceğini (!) bireysel olarak atılacak bu adımlara bağlıyor. Miller'a göre anne ve bebek arasındaki ilişki, bir çocuğun yetişkin yaşamını ve sonrasında kendi çocuğuyla kurduğu ilişkiyi etkiliyor. Miller'a göre anne sevgisi en önemli şey.

"Anne sevgisi yaşamımızdaki o ancak yudum yudum elde ettiğimiz fakat hiç vazgeçemediğimiz -ve amacına tümüyle aykırı olarak- birçoğumuzun bir yudumunun bedelini, canlılığını feda ederek ödemek zorunda olduğu şeylerden değil midir?" (s.39)

Anne sevgisinin tabii ki koşulsuz olması gerekiyor; annenin çocuğuyla tam bir bağlanma gerçekleştirmesi ve çocuğun tüm duygularını yaşamasına izin veren bir ilişki kurması çok önemli. Aile ne yetersiz olmalı, ne de çocuğun zeka seviyesinden çok yukarıda. Aksi halde nevrozlara rastlanıyor.

"Annesi tarafından görülmek, anlaşılmak, ciddiye alınmak, saygıyla karşılanmak her çocuğun en meşru en doğal ihtiyaçlarındandır. Çocuk yaşamının ilk haftalarında ve aylarında annesinin tümüyle kendisine odaklanmasına, onu tümüyle kendi yararına kullanmaya ve onun tarafından yansıtılmaya muhtaç bir durumdadır. Eğer anne çocuğuna bakarken sadece küçük, emsalsiz, aciz yavrusunu görüyor, çocuğuna kendi beklentilerini, korkularını, çocuk için kurduğu planlarını yansıtıyorsa, bebek annenin yüzünde kendini değil, sadece annenin yoksunluğunu bulur. Böyle bir bebek kendini yansıtacağı aynadan mahrum kalarak bütün sonraki yaşamında bu aynanın arayışı içinde olur. Anne kendi bilinç dışına itilmiş öyküsünden dolayı bu ilişkiyi kuramamışsa, terapi ve bilinç dışı olguların çözülmesi sonucunda bunun anlamını ve önemini öğrendiği zaman çocuğuna yoksunluğu ile baş etmesi için yardımcı olabilir."

Yürüyün a anneler&anne adayları, topluca terapiye gidiyoruz! Aslında, Miller'a bir noktada katılıyorum, koşulsuz sevgi gerçekten çok önemli. Ayrıca çocuğun benliğine saygı duyulması da. Ancak, tüm faturanın annelere kesilmesi bana biraz iddialı geliyor.

Bence sistemik bir sorun var. En azından benim kuşağımın kadınları için öyle olduğunu düşünüyorum. Kendimi, gençliği boyunca uzay bilimleri çalışmış, nefesinin köreldiği yaşlarda dalgıçlık yapmak zorunda kalmış biri gibi hissediyorum. Aldığım eğitimle yapmam beklenen şeyler örtüşmüyor. Hayatı bulanık görüyorum. Kafamı tutmuşlar da suya sokmuşlar gibi.

Belki en azından, eğitim hayatı dışında, ben de erkek çocukları gibi counter strike ya da world of warcraft falan oynasaydım, hayatta karşıma çıkan zorlukları bir oyun olarak görebilirdim. Ama testler dışında hiçbir zorlukla karşılaşmadan, annelik ve ev işleriyle ilgili hiçbir şey öğrenmeyip, anca test kitaplarını üst üste sıralayarak, olmuyor-muş bu iş! [şimdi de ebeveynlik kitaplarını sıralıyorum, çünkü bir şeyleri öğrenmenin, pratik yaparak ya da işin ustasından öğrenerek değil, kitaplardan okuyarak başarılabileceği belletilmiş bir neslin çocuğuyum.]

Dediğim gibi, bunun bir sistem hatası olduğunu düşünüyorum. Tüm bir toplumun faturasını annelere kesmek çok kolaycı bir yaklaşım. Uzay fiziği değil çocuklu bir evde yapılması gerekenler elbette. Ama uzay fiziği eğitimi alıp, dalgıçlık yapmak da kolay iş değil neticede. Hele hele ileride iyi bir iş bulmak için iyi bir üniversite kazanmak üzere harcamışsanız tüm libidonuzu, geçmiş olsun! Ev-lilik hayatında başarılar dilerim. Bir de çocuk olduktan sonra görün başarıyı. Çekirdek aile, özellikle şehirde yaşayan çekirdek aile, sistem tarafından çitlenmek üzere evrimleşmiş bir yapı. Asıl sorun da işte bu yapıda. Çünkü, "bir köy ister bir çocuk büyütmek." Tek başına bir annenin sorumluluğuna bırakılamayacak kadar önemli bir iştir velhasıl.

Be warned: dated, rife with gender essentialism, awkward generalizations, bad science.

Yet, the main argument (how we learn to suppress feeling and expressing emotion because of our parents' parenting) is worth a look. Although I'm guessing there are better and more recent books that incorporate the same line of reasoning.