I just could not get through this book. I started My Secret Garden in December 2021, meaning this has taken me 3 months to get through.

I became aware of My Secret Garden through a book titled Pleasures: Women Write Erotica. Pleasures was released 11 years after My Secret Garden and is a total rip off of it, but it's 10 times better. Pleasures follows the exact same lay out of My Secret Garden, but what separates these two books is the writing. The women who contributed to Pleasures were WRITERS whom the author knew and approached to be included in the book. The women who contributed to My Secret Garden are random women across the country (and Britain) who decided to send in their contributions for the book. I'm glad these women conquered their anxieties and expressed their sexual fantasies, but, Jesus Christ, they suck at writing.

And frankly, I wasn't impressed with Nancy Friday's writing either. At the beginning of each chapter or section she offers her own insight, analysis, or explanation of the upcoming writings. When reading these, I often found myself thinking, "What the hell is she on about?" The goal of this book was to remove the stigma around women's sexual fantasies and desires, and I think that's a great goal. But let's address the elephant in the room here... this book was released during Second Wave Feminism. There are definitely sections that I don't believe fly today. In my criticisms of this book I don't want to come across as shaming any of the fantasies expressed. My goal for this review is not to be the thought police. But I don't think some of the sections are appropriate to be compiled, published, and shared.

For example, there is a section that I did take particular issue with. The section titled "ROOM NUMBER TWELVE: BIG BLACK MEN" that is definitely very fetishy. Nancy Friday starts the section with, "All black people are promiscuous... white people think. They're always fucking or they're about to. They reek of sexuality." And I can't find the exact page, but there's a line that talks about how part of the turn on is the "forbidden-ness" of having sex with a Black man, how it would piss off your mother if she found out. This is incredibly problematic writing to use when describing the sexualities of Black men. The hyper-sexualization of both Black men and women is a product of both systemic and individualized racism, and this issue is still perpetuated today. The idea that Black men are inherently "sexual" "forbidden" and "promiscuous" strips them of humanity and respect. Black men are not sexual objects you fuck to piss off your mom. They're human beings, not tools in your White woman revenge plot.

And then there are sections like, "ROOM NUMBER TEN: INCEST" and "ROOM NUMBER ELEVEN: THE ZOO". I don't think I'm equipped to handle the feminist analysis of these sections, but I do have some thoughts. I don't really want to dig my nails into women that fantasized about incest or bestiality. I understand if you want to, but I'm just not interested in my review coming off this way. However, I do question the decision to compile sections of these fantasies and publish them. One could argue that it normalizes these behaviors. And many of the women who write about these fantasies have acted them out. More than a handful of the women in this book have participated in bestiality. To be very clear, this is illegal and HIGHLY unethical. And the incest chapter is just sad. It's mostly women writing about times their family members sexually assaulted them and they now think back to these moments when they fantasize. I am DEFINITELY not equipped to discuss the psychological aspects of these fantasies, but I do question Nancy Friday's decision to create a chapter that is clearly heavily built upon women's assaults.

Now, you could argue "Well, if the goal of this book is to remove the stigma of women's experiences, then including these traumatic events removes stigma from sexual assault." I disagree. Nancy Friday repeatedly refers to the work she put into compiling these writings as "research." That's fine, I have no problem with her using that word. However, I don't believe anyone is reading this book for "research." This is clearly an erotica, and people are clearly reading it to get off on it. Compiling a section that is heavily built upon women's real experiences with sexual assault in an erotica just doesn't sit right with me.

I respect the ultimate goal here. I think it's great that Nancy Friday wanted to discuss women's sexualities during a time when marital rape wasn't outlawed in all 50 states and women couldn't own a credit card in their own name. However, many parts of this book just didn't age well. And I hate seeing it on those "Greatest Feminist Eroticas" lists. You know the ones I'm talking about.

Just read Pleasures instead. Trust me, it's way better.

I will now leave you with my favorite line of My Secret Garden: "I rather like this and wouldn't really mind being treated like a whore... an expensive one."

While admirable in premise, the books is best read merely as a compilation of interviews in the vein of 'to each her own'. Some of the supposedly feminist author's commentary is hard to stomach: from the merely sad notion that any kind of masturbation requires fantasy, to the frankly outrageous paragraph prefacing the section on lesbians, who apparently must needs live in fantasy and thus require more of it to rationalise being two sexes at once........... I know it's 1973, but I had to put the book down after that (that's about a third in).

n  You can go so much further in fantasy than you can in reality . . .
__________
‘I have never heard other women express thoughts like these. I thought I must be some sort of freak or pervert for having such sexually “wrong” ideas. Now I feel I can accept myself. Thank God, I am not alone.’

But remember, pornography means the writing of prostitutes and My Secret Garden is composed of the writings of ordinary women—you, me, and our next-door-neighbour.
__________
As women move more strongly into their recently won sexual freedom, and lead ether historic role of second (and ‘silent’) sex behind, I predict that they will, ironically, get into domination fantasies more and more. But the move will be in two different directions. First, the new reality of being man’s equal makes them unconsciously nervous about their identity as women, and so throws them back into longing for the traditional, safe, and ‘known’ role vis-à-vis the dominating man . . .

P.S. a few thoughts I’ve had on sexual fantasies. It seems that the more liberated I become (I’m really involved in Women’s Liberation now) the more I fantasise about the speaking and the bondage. Since I’m fully liberated in my work situation, social life, etc., it’s almost as if I’m trying to achieve some sort of counterbalance to this liberation in my sexual life.n

__________
The only surprising thing in here is the sheer amount of bestiality; both real and imagined . . .

It seems actress  Gilian Anderson is eliciting  what Friday elicited all those years ago (presumably in ignorance to the latter's work). It will be interesting to compare the modern compilation should it be published . . .

Read this in my 20s along with some of her other books. I believe that it was back then a revelation to men and to women that women had the right to lust. It was another breakthrough in the escape from the Victorian era in which the attitude was that the descent women did not like sex.
To the younger generation, it was like that back then.

My Secret Garden was helpful in opening my eyes to female thoughts on fantasy, and more importantly, female thoughts about having them. Understanding the feminine reaction (guilt, shame, etc) to desire was my main interest in reading this book. Though I am not familiar with the pool from which Friday culled her samples, the feelings of self-hate are pervasive and sad. Why women beat themselves over the head for common human emotions is a question whose answer must be found in society, in the " nurture" side of our behavioral makeup. I don't believe it is our nature, no more than the compulsion to vomit in the bathroom after eating a delicious meal. Women are messed up and confused, accepting shame rather than joy; a practice which bleeds into other situations that compromise true happiness. How can a woman/person make authentic choices when fearful of the reaction of others? Though there are many rational and healthy basis for fantasy, surely this secret world is composed of lives unlived, too.

NOT for the faint-hearted about sexuality. I was not only surprised, but pretty deeply shocked at some of the fantasies women told for this book. I learned that I am still pretty much a prude AND that my own fantasies are more emotionally and romantic based, than having to do with pure sexuality.

Part of me wishes I had not read this book, but part of me is glad that it helped me learn a few things about myself and my morals and boundaries.

Always good for us blokes to get a window into a world like this. Have to be in the know... and all that.

I have two very distinct feelings about this book. The first is that I am glad it was written. Having a collection of women's fantasies is kind of comforting. While I am comfortable with mine now when I was younger I felt embarrassed and a touch shameful because it had never been something anyone had discussed with me and I did not have any comprehension of what was "normal." The second is that the sections before each list of fantasies are very and at times very very out of date or inaccurate in their psychological reasoning behind each type of fantasy. A few show some insight but in general many should be updated so that they apply less Freudian ideas and readers without any knowledge about modern psych aren't misled.

My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is not particularly well-written, but it remains an important and fascinating work. Originally published in the 1970s, it presents a collection of women’s sexual fantasies, offering insight into desires that were rarely discussed openly at the time. While some of the narratives feel repetitive or overly embellished, the book’s significance lies in its frank exploration of female sexuality and its challenge to societal taboos.

As a middle-aged man, I found it especially interesting to see how these fantasies reflected deeper psychological and cultural influences. It’s a revealing, sometimes surprising read that underscores how much—and how little—attitudes toward sex have changed over the decades. I plan to read Men in Love, Friday’s companion book from the male perspective, to see how the two compare.

This isn’t a horrible book, it’s just not very relevant. A friend recommended it, so I read it.

Tl:dr; women have sexual fantasies

If you didn’t know that or need convincing then this book might help. But, if quite rationally, you already know this, then this book is very boring. I kept reading hoping it would present something like perhaps an analysis of types or frequency, but it doesn’t. It’s just lists of ladies writing in about what they fantasize about.

I suppose if you really need some prurient content and don’t have access to anything other than this, you might want it. But it’s not even particularly good in that sense.

Two stars as the author worked hard and it’s not horrible, but I’m not sure why anyone would want to read this.

Filthy, irrational, pointless, and rather badly written, like all of Nancy Friday's books, My Secret Garden offers what pretty much amounts to a guarantee to get me off.

The first research, published in 1973, of women's sexual fantasies, at a time when women were believed not to have sexual fantasies. Not a book for binge-reading ... or public transport.