Preface

I read this when I was 17 years old for the first time. This is my second time reading it. This is the type of book/content that it is good to brush up on every couple years. It is never too much to make sure those you care about feel loved, which is the gist of the book.

There are 5 main love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

And from these there can emerge a thousand dialects. What does that mean? Well… it’s a lot like languages (

في البداية ترددت في قراءته ... بسبب الغلاف .. فالظاهر أنه خاص بالمتزوجين و طرق في التواصل مع بعض و التعبير عن الحب لبعضهم البعض ..

ولكن هذا غير صحيح .. فالتعبير عن الحب أوسع من أن ينحصر بين المتزوجين فقط ..

فأنا كإبنة احتاج أن اعبر عن حبي لأمي و أبي .. و كأخت أعبر غن حبي لأخي و أختي .. و كصديقة أعبر عن حبي لصديقاتي.. و هكذا دواليك .

فالحب غير منحصر بين المرأة و الرجل فقط ..

حتى الكاتب تطرق لموضوع لغات الحب عند الأطفال ...

أتوقع إن الست فيروز لما قالت "وهديتني وردة، فرجيتا لصحابي، خبيتا بكتابي، زرعتا عالمخدة" كانت لغة حبها هي تقديم الهدايا، لكن واضح إن حبيبها مش بيتكلم نفس اللغة لأنها هديته مزهرية، كان يداريها ولا يعتني فيها تا ضاعت الهدية، فطبعًا فيروز مكانتش بتحس بحبه ليها بدليل إنها بتقول له "وبتقلّي بتحبني ما بتعرف قديش؟!!

Good information. Can see how it could be helpful to many people. I think it would’ve been better to frame it in terms of any relationship versus just marriages though. I think the concepts and principles apply to everyone nonetheless, and I appreciated that it was written agnostically (Chapman is also a Baptist pastor).

Quite disgusted by how the author counseled a woman, “Ann” who said her husband cursed her, mistreated her, and said he hated her. Chapman told her to stay in the marriage for six months, and do ALL the emotional labor and follow “the teachings of Jesus.” I fear for her safety. Ann’s closest friends, who presumably knew of her situation, told her to get out. I hope she followed their advice.

Aiški, konkreti, gerai struktūriškai sudaryta knyga. Neperkrauta nereikalinga informacija ar išvedžiojimais. Manau autorius tikrai sėkmingai išskirstė meilės kalbas, pateikė daug pavyzdžių iš įvairių pusių, todėl skaitant buvo lengva susitapatinti, atrasti tokių pavyzdžių ir savo gyvenime. Sukurti įrankiai, suformuluoti klausimai, kurie padeda skaitytojui perskaitytą informaciją pritaikyti kasdienybėje. Manau, kad knyga būtų naudinga, geriausia skaityti kartu su partneriu arba bent aptarti kartu, jei skaito tik vienas asmuo poroje.
Vienintelio ko galėjo nebūti ar būti mažiau, tai religinio konteksto ir visų citatų iš Biblijos, kurios man sukelia atmetimo reakciją.

Gary Chapman, a marriage councillor (and pastor), comes up with 5 basic ways that people use to express (romantic) love:
- words of affirmation
- gift giving
- acts of service
- quality time
- and physical touch

He also, very daringly, theorises that most all marital problems are caused by the participants' lacking language skills, i.e. them having different ways of expressing love. In his defence, Mr. Chapman spends over 200 pages coming up with increasingly looser definitions for said love languages to support his claim... so he might as well be right by the end.



For all my hatred of the self-help/self-improvement genre in general, I'm fairly lenient when it comes to qualifications I require from authors writing these books. As long as they're fluent, are not boring me and try to make a modicum of sense, I'm willing to give them a chance. Yes, 9 times out of 10, I end up disappointed but no one can say I didn't at least give them the benefit of doubt.

I mainly view these kinds of books as advice from some "well-meaning" busybody intent on sharing their coping mechanism with the world. Had this book been a 2-page essay, I wouldn't even have considered it all that bad...



The good part is how he explains/illustrates the mistake in difference of communication: like not just lobbing (empty) praises at someone who wants to see action. He also makes a valid point in people not handling the difference between the long-term more sedate pace of love and the initial passionate falling in love phase.

The bad part is in fact mostly due to the specific examples with which Chapman chooses to illustrate his concepts. Though I give him props for changing some of his more sexist anecdotes from the first editions, he still has some very problematic ones.
Off the top of my head, the one where he makes the husband listen by literally repeating the wife's complaints word for word. And later he suggests to a woman whose husband constantly screams and belittles her, that she should have sex with him more often... among other things. Dunno about you, but outside of some very dubious BDSM scenarios, I can't see this ending well.



And the weird part is how almost all of his patients are ambushing him. Maybe this is my modern, scheduling-oriented self speaking, but did people in the 60s and 70s just randomly walk up to councillors and start pouring their hearts out... whereEVER? Or is this just a cultural(ly rude) thing where other people's personal time is not meant to be respected?

Score: 2/5 stars

I think I should make this official: all most popular books give me allergies. No really, you should see how the mere mention of Oprah's name has me break out in literal (i.e. metaphorical) hives. Additionally, I spent three quarters of the allocated reading time dreading having to start the book.... so there was no way I was ever going to like it.

Apparently there are 2 versions of this book, with the 2nd edition (from 2015) being the more "palatable" one for the contemporary reader. Having gone through the first half of the first edition, I can tell you that the general idea remains the same and the overall traditional Christian undertones are still very keenly felt through both versions.



Alternately, I'm told that my BS religious tolerance is ridiculously low, for someone living in a predominantly Christian society. *cue immature raspberry blowing*

Everyone has "the" relationship book. This book will NOT automatically solve all relationship problems. People have to want to work on things; have to want to communicate needs and expectations. Having said that, I have not seen a better way to tie in to your significant other's point of view, then trying to understand how THEY need to have love expressed. But even more importantly, maybe, is looking at ourselves and seeing how we automatically expect others to "get" love the way that we need to 'get' it. Which is simply not the way it works.

I was especially enlighted when Chapman talks about the difference between love as a "feeling" and love as an "action". The latter is what Christ is asking us to do.

I had previously read the "Peacegiver". These two books together would be an excellenet companion set.

I won't go into the circumstances which lead to this bizarre buddy read that took place at Disneyland. Sometimes life can be stranger than fiction. I will say that this book has some reasonably helpful thoughts and ideas, but... it is way too simplified and way too heteronormative and way too traditional Christian-value based to speak to me in any meaningful way.

Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, when the wife was asked to describe something positive about her husband, she says: "he let's me keep any money I earn in my part time job". Another example included a young wife who wished her husband would change the baby's diaper when he got home from work because she was busy cooking dinner (HIM: I would like her to cook dinner for when I get home from work).... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

The author didn't overtly advocate for traditional gender roles in the home, but I couldn't help but think there was a subliminal message indicating his preference for this. In the one example where the husband seemed to take on a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and other assorted domestic chores, the wife complained. She wanted him to spend more time with her. As it turned out, the wife really wanted to cook and clean, but the husband was too efficient and didn't give her a chance to do so. Oh, happy ending. Needless to say, I'm crying feminist tears at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for good communication, respect and understanding how to make your spouse feel loved. But when this misogynist flavored relationship guru doled out advice to a woman in a 'horrible' marriage, I took issue. The details of horror of the marriage were largely unsaid, other than it was given that the husband cursed and said he hated his wife. This woman was very religious and clearly the idea of leaving her husband was at odds with her beliefs. Since the husband had no interest in seeking marriage counseling, the author/marriage counselor devised a unilateral plan he admitted didn't know would work. The crux of the plan was for the wife to speak to her husband in his love language, and hopefully he would eventually he would reciprocate and the love tanks would start to refill. This plan basically suggested, among other things, that the wife initiate sex with her husband (as his love language was physical touch) even though this idea did not appeal to the wife. Kind of a 'take one for the team' approach. The author clearly said that this was her decision to do so. Ok, so all this has the appearance of consenting adults and informed decisions, so where's the problem Katie? Oh, I don't know, how about emotional manipulation of the vulnerable? Call me cynical, but I picture an abused spouse emotional or physical, it makes no difference to me reading this and thinking that I just need to have sex with my husband and maybe things will work out.

And that leads me to the other big issue I had with this book. All the case studies were simple and tidy and all had happily ever afters. Not very realistic. This author only cited success stories and provided no useful examples of how this love language thing can go wrong.

Overall, I think the idea of love languages seems reasonable, but I was sorely disappointed in the examples and approaches suggested by the author. At best, he gave an overly optimistic view of how implementing his ideas would work. (and if they don't work the first time, perhaps you could try one of his marriage $eminars or buy more of his book$) At worst, they pander to the emotionally vulnerable in abusive relationships, giving them specious relationship advice.

الكتاب جديد في طرحه وموضوعه عن الحب .. رغم بداهة إن طريقة التعبير عن الحب تختلف من شخص لشخص إلا إن الكتاب وضعها في إطارها الصحيح وجعلها في سياق علمي من خلال المقدمة عن (الوقوع في الحب) وفي سياق عملي عن طيق الخاتمة التي اشار فيها إلى نقاط جديرة بالإعتبار، خصوصاً تلك النقطة عن التي يكون فيها الحب قد مات فعلاً

الكتاب رائع فعلاً، وأنصح به للجميع وليس فقط المتزوجين، هو يجعلك تفهم لغات الحب إلى كل الناس

ولأني لم أجد مأ أضيفه للكتاب أوأعلق عليه فيه فإني أعطي الكتاب خمس نجوم

In the years since I originally read this book, my thoughts have often returned to it's content as I notice the preferences of others and I have found it helpful. So now in 2015, an updated review is glowing and I give it 4 stars instead of 3. However, below is my original review:

This is an entertaining, well-written book from the perspective of a therapist who shares interesting stories about his patients and their love problems and solutions.

This book has potential to help people better understand those they love and to show love to them in ways they can feel/understand (I'll suggest a much better book below that does this).

However, I worry that this book would do more harm than good since in it it says that a man's love language may be sex. How twisted is that??? And very dysfunctional! This could cause a wife to "do her duty" instead of viewing sex as a mutual consent action to unify the marriage and strengthen the couple.

Also, another HUGE problem with this book is that it implies that others are supposed to "fill your love bucket." Which is VERY dysfunctional as well. If you desperately NEED someone, that's not love. That's need! A healthy love is where two people are already secure with themselves by themselves (or with the help of God) and then they can give from their already full love buckets freely. It is not the responsibility for others to fill you up! You need to take charge of your own emotional health. Then you can share freely and not be a wiggly, needy scrounge for love.

I suggest reading a much better book that promotes healthy interactions with others. It teaches to give love freely from your full love bucket (and how to get a full love bucket without relying on the actions of others). Although it is not as well written grammatically as this 5 languages, it is the best! It is called: How I got this Way and What to do About it by Dr. Ellsworth. It has an amazing chart in it with a much better breakdown of love languages.

The children's book The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Silverstein addresses this issue about giving love from your fullness instead of taking love from others or trying to fill in their holes as the 5 love languages promotes.

a cautionary tale about losing your kindle in a country that doesn't sell books.