I was tempted to not give this book a high rating because I do not like self-help books and especially marriage advice type things. So many people recommended this book to me that I wanted to read it just so I could have an opinion on it and I have to say that I think it is pretty useful. It is definitely cheesy and certainly oversimplified, but the author is on to something. I have been trying this out not just on my marriage, but also with my children and other relationships and it's just nice to know that people speak different "languages" or whateve you want to call them when it comes to feeling appreciated/loved. I do not think that there are only 5 and I do not think people have just one or two, but it's good to know that it probably isn't the one you are using and to try to observe and use different ways of communicating. My other criticism is that Gary Chapman never even mentions gender differences and I am sort of relieved that he doesn't because I would be worried that they would be oversimplified. But I do think that a lot of miscommunication happens along gender lines. All in all, I liked it and I would recommend it to anyone in a marriage or any type of relationship--not as the only tool, but as a useful one, in trying to understand and appreciate your spouse/significant other/child.

This book made me cry, because it made me realize how little I have felt loved during my life, especially during childhood.

Although I am single, and not currently in a relationship, I read this because I wanted to learn more about love.

The book has its flaws, but the majority of the information in it is good and useful for anyone that wishes to develop a deeper understanding of of love.

Chapman has written a singles’ edition. I may eventually read that.

Chapman reads the audio well.

I borrowed the audiobook and ebook from my library. The ebook was a very different version from the audio. This was annoying, but not a deal breaker. Be forewarned that there are many versions of this book.

Reasons I read this book:

- It was free;

and on a slightly more embarrassing note

- I read blogs about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and every season someone very seriously mentions their "love language", and not even in a self-deprecatingly British way, which is really the only way to pull off saying, "my love language is words of affirmation". Just to be clear, I don't actually watch the television show, I just really enjoy reading blogs that analyse each episode and all of the delightfully ridiculous things that happen. When people question this life choice, I like to think that it's my flaws that make me human.

Now that I've hopefully sufficiently justified why I read this book, let's get to the content. As advertised in the title, this book is about five love languages. They are, in no particular order:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

That list should have come with a spoiler tag because it's all rather self-explanatory, and now there's no reason for you to read the book. I'm sorry. (I'm actually not really, but apologising just seemed like the polite thing to do here.)

The author implores you throughout the book to discover the love language of your significant other and then everything will be fine if you focus on meeting that one need. In my very humble opinion through knowledge gained largely by reading blogs on The Bachelor, I'd suggest being a bit more ambitious and trying to provide your partner with all these forms of love.

So, things I liked about the book:

- It's always nice to be reminded that one shouldn't be complacent in a relationship and you should remember to express your love.

- I like the very specific examples about how you can express love in various ways because I'm lazy and now I can just shamelessly steal ideas straight from the book.

Things that were bizarre:

- The author was rather self-promotional about this book in the book itself. He kept encouraging the reader to give this book to family and friends.

- The examples given about complaints wive and husbands had about each other were all very archaic (or rather I hope they are):

Wife: We never talk.

Husband: You should have dinner ready by the time I get back home.

Highlight of the book:

The author counsels a woman who was reluctant to be intimate with her husband anymore (it was a failing marriage) to initiate sex with her husband by leaning on Jesus and her faith. Here are some choice quotes:

“You will probably have to rely heavily upon your faith in God in order to do this. Perhaps it will help if you read again Jesus’ sermon on loving your enemies”

“You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit. I think that must be what Jesus meant.”

Holy crap!

A nice audiobook to listen to while doing something else: soothing and practicable enough, but not at all difficult or overwhelming.

As for the message itself, I found it totally valid, but oversimplified. The premise is that it's not enough to love anybody in your own way; one must show one's love in a way that speaks of love to the other person. So, in one of the examples, a man was doing all the house chores as a way of caring for his wife, and she thought that he'd rather do anything than spend some quality time with her, so all of this effort was misplaced because she didn't really feel loved.

This is the idea; then the good doctor identifies five love languages and urges us to find out (by observation or just by asking) what is our loved one's main one, and then practice 'speaking it', i. e., doing the things the other person wants us most to do, instead of what we think they should appreciate or just what we ourselves would enjoy being done for us.

All of this is quite valid and practicable. I asked my husband about it and he gladly named his two prime 'love languages', although of course, he didn't want me to give up on the other three altogether, since it would be nice to have some of that, too. That's all good, but when I came to think about my own 'love language', I realized it's not in the book. For me, feeling loved means feeling understood and accepted, - and this is something quite different from quality time (sometimes an act of love is to leave me alone and let me do whatever I'm doing) or words of appreciation (which are just words and don't matter that much to me). And since mine is not in the book, I'm thinking there might be others; and in this case, just following the method of the book will not work.

But if one abstracts away from these particular love languages and just stays with the idea that it's important to know how your loved one wants to be loved, and that it's OK to just ask them about it, — I'm certain this will do a world of good for any relationship. I think the very fact of asking such questions, like, 'What would you like me to do to show my love' is a very nice way of showing that you care.

But then again, maybe you and your loved one will be quite OK with choosing one of the suggested love languages and need not bother about there being any others.

I am careful about saying 'loved one' instead of 'partner', because this can be applied to anybody: one's children or, say, dogs. One of my dogs wants to be left alone, and the other wants to be the centre of attention; you can see how important it is to be discriminative.

So, a nice useful book that might not change your life, but might very well improve your understanding of your loved ones.

Yes, and I forgot to say: the book has some Christian overtones, but for me, they were quite easily ignorable.

People have already said it, but I'll reiterate: overrated, overly-simple, heteronormative, sexist, and unexpectedly very Christian themed (bible versus included). It's common sense relationship advice wrapped in a Bible-read-along bow. Blah.

The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.

Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.

In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.

And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?

I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.

MM March 1, 2005

This is suppose to be a self-help teaching book....for me there was too much chatter.....when I listen to these type of book...please get straight to the point for me....too much talking leads to me tuning out, which is exactly what I did in a lot of this book. In addition, I really don't need someone to explain to me what my love language is and if you are in tuned with the people that you care about, you can completely understand what their love languages are and the things that bring them joy. Simply pay attention. It really is that simple.

Honestly, this could be a 5 star book, but the last 50 pages get really preachy. As in, "You are more likely to find and keep the love of your life if you already love Jesus."

The 5 love languages themselves were the best and most interesting part of the book. I was constantly thinking, "Of course! That's why this thing works and that thing doesn't!"

Now, if your partner happens to be a philosophy major...you might have more problems getting the ideas in this book across. There's not much in the way of "shades of grey" in this book. He says, as far as I can tell, ONE TIME that you could be "bilingual". Otherwise, you get one love language, and that's it. The rest of them will only kind of work on you.

That sweeps a lot of problems people have right under the rug, I feel.

All the same, my partner and I had some good conversations about this, and even though our relationship isn't anywhere near some of the disasters that are talked about in this book, I am sure it will help us never get to that point.

Recommended for anyone who has problems expressing love.

-----------------

I'm having a really hard time deciding on a rating for this. Objectively, it should probably be 3 stars. The author is very sure of his own importance and correctness throughout the entire book. At one point, he quotes a study saying that the "in-love" feeling lasts 2 years. That study is never mentioned again, but the in-love feeling lasting 2 years is quoted as truth from there on out.

Every conversation is stilted and full of "But Dr. Chapman! How could this ever work!" Well guess what, they came back 3 months later and called me a miracle worker!

Yes you are very special, Dr Chapman, good job.

I am afraid that someone reading this who has no background in psychology or philosophy or morality in general, would find it very easy to take everything he says at face value and not look beyond it. I am lucky to have a partner who wants to discuss things critically, but when he first brought up criticisms I got rather emotional and said I felt he wasn't taking me seriously.

Relationships are powerful things and I think this book could really help some people who want or need more from their love life. I just want everyone to go into this knowing that there's more here than meets the eye and to think about it.

-----------

Update March 2, 2014

Although my star rating has steadily decreased, I am still finding myself referring to this book. Mostly it is internal, but I really do feel like I have been nagging my partner less. I hope he doesn't tell a different story, but I am TRYING.

I am bringing this book up again now because I just had a really great conversation with my dad. We don't see each other much (I hang out with my mom way more), and we have drifted apart over the years. He just took me out to lunch, where he mostly talked about his newest interest, bicycling on gravel. Which sounds absolutely horrible to me. We got to talking about my mom, and how she is obsessive when it comes to keeping the house clean. Like, it's not unusual for people to visit their home and ask if they just moved in because it is so spartan. They've lived there for 20 years.

That got me talking about my cleaning habits, which are nowhere near my mom's standards, but I do like the apartment being picked up and presentable. I've been working 60 hours a week for the past 4 months, with only one day off a week. I have been coming home, throwing my shit down, eating a quick frozen burrito, and flopping into bed because I just worked for 14 hours. Needless to say, the place looks like a disaster area within a day or two of me cleaning it.

Which brought me to my partner. It bugs me how much I've been working and how I feel he has been doing very little to help me around the house. Like even though I'm the one busting my ass, it's still my job to keep the place clean.

I told my dad all this, then mentioned how I had read this book. I briefly went over the 5 love languages. My mom's love language is obviously acts of service. It means a lot to her to come home to a clean house. Despite the anecdote above, mine is Quality Time. My partner's is physical touch. Then I said, "I'm not actually sure what yours is." It surprised me, but he actually looked thoughtful. This is totally not his thing, to talk about this kind of stuff. After a moment he said, "What means the most to me is that everyone in our family is always there. You can be flaky, but when I really need it, someone is there. It means a lot to me to be able to rely on that."

I kind of felt like crying, really, because my dad is not an open person, and I felt like him saying that was some kind of break through.

It doesn't really fit into any of the love languages, but I realized it doesn't really have to. This book is just a guideline, but it is still helping me define the love in my life.

اكره التنمية البشرية ومع ذلك حين بدأت قراءة كتب باللغة الانجليزية كان صعب بالنسبة لي ان اقرأها في لغة ادبية روائية لذلك وحتى احفز نفسي لقراءة وانهاء كتب بالانجليزية اضطررت لقراءة مثل هذه الاعمال

ولكن وياللعجب الكتاب اعجبني لا اعلم هل هي عقدة الخواجة ام ان الكتاب فعلا كان جيد

ططبعا الكلام في الكتاب قد يكون مألوف للجميع او نعلمه ولكن الجميل في الكتاب انه وضعه في في نظرية واضحة او بمعنى اصح عبر عن ما نعرفه في اعماقنا بشكل سلس وله معنى.
الكتاب يتحدث باختصار عن مشكلة البشر ان كل انسان له طريقة في تعبيره عن الحب مختلفة عن الاخر وليس بالضرورة التعبير عن الحب للزوج او الحبيب ولكن ايضا الاب والابن والحفيد والاصدقاء وكل انواع العلاقات

صور الكاتب الامر على انه لغة حب وحين تتحدث مع شخص مثلا من اسبانيا عليك ان تحدثه بالاسبانية لتتواصل معه بشكل افضل وطريقة تعليمك لغته واحساسك بان اللغة ثقيلة لانها مختلفة عن لغتك الام (او بمعنى اصح لغة حبك)


وضع الكاتب خمس انواع للتعبير عن الحب

1-tاظهار الحب بكلمات التشجيع والدعم والتحفيز – الكلام الايجابي عامة بعيدًا عن اي نقد سلبي
2-tتخصيص وقت لهذا الشخص لكي لا تفعل اي شئ على الاطلاق سوى النظر في عينيه والاستماع اليه والى مشاعره دون ان تستمع اليه وانت تشاهد التلفاز مثلا او تلعب في الموبايل او تستعمل الكمبيوتر وان يكون هذا الوقت يومي ليشعر الاخر انك تحبه (وهي لغة الحب الخاصة بي والتي كانت سبب في انهاء علاقات كثيرة في حياتي لان من حولي لا يفهمون هذه النقطة واحتياجي لها ويصفوني باني ما بزهقش ومملة)
3-tلغة الحب المعتمدة على اللمس الجسدي – الاحضان القبلات مسك الايدي او الاتصال الجسدي بمعنى يمكن ان تكون جالس مع هذا الشخص لا تتحدث اليه وهو مشغول في الكمبيوتر مثلا ولا تقول له كلام حلو ولا تفعل اي شئ سوى انك تمر بجانبه تقبله وهو مشغول او تلعب في شعره او تحضنه من الخلف فهذه لغة الحب الوحيدة التي يتمناها
4-tالخدمات – كأن تغسل له ثيابه ترتبها تكويها ترتب سريره تحضر له طبخة جيدة – تخلص له مشوار او تجلب له شئ كان بحاجته او تكنس له الارض او او او ان تخدمه هذه هي الطريقة التي يحب ان يتلقى بها حبك فلا يشعر انك تحبه مهما قلت له كلام حلو او جلست تتحدث معه طالما انك لم تفعل شئ لخدمته
5-tالهدايا – طبعا كلنا يعرف هذا النوع من الحب



يقول الكاتب انه كل البشر يحتاجون هذه اللغات الخمس بطبيعة الحال لكن تختلف اولوية اللغة الام بالنسبة له من شخص لاخر
يتحدث عن العديد من الامثلة بين ازواج وزوجات قاموا باللجوء اليه باعتباره مستشار خاص بالمشاكل الزوجية يتحدث عن امثلة من الحياة ومشكلات كثيرة وكيف تغير هذان الزوجان بمجرد اتباع النصائح في تفهم طبيعة لغة حب كل منهما


بقية فصول الكتاب تتحدث عن كيفية اكتشافك لغة الحب الخاصة بك
وكيفية اكتشاف لغة الحب الخاصة بالشخص المعني بالنسبة لك
فصل يتحدث عن الابناء في سن صغيرة وكيف تكتشف لغة حبهم
فصل عن طبيعة تغير الحب بعد الزواج وكيف يتم المحافظة عليه


بغض النظر عن القوالب الموجودة في الكتاب لان كلنا يعلم ان البشر ليسوا نسخ من بعض لكنه كلام الى حد ما يضعك على بداية االطريق ويشرح لك لماذا حين تعطي شخص ما لا يفرق في تعامله معك ببساطة لانك تعطيه حب بطريقة لا تناسب احتياجه

كأن تعطي سمكة طعاما لكلب ستموت السمكة جوعًا
وهي حقيقة اعاني منها مع اسرتي وفي علاقاتي مع الاسف

احببت الكتاب بالفعل وانصح بقراءته

Preface

I read this when I was 17 years old for the first time. This is my second time reading it. This is the type of book/content that it is good to brush up on every couple years. It is never too much to make sure those you care about feel loved, which is the gist of the book.

There are 5 main love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

And from these there can emerge a thousand dialects. What does that mean? Well… it’s a lot like languages (

My dad actually recommended this book to me and I finally decided to check it out from the library. Although I think my husband and I have a good relationship - it was amazing how much I learned from this book! And how I realized that by understand how we communicate differently - it could strengthen our relationship. I would recommend this book to just about anyone! A lot of it seems common sense but it's a good reminder and an eye-opener to read it.

Gary Chapman, a marriage councillor (and pastor), comes up with 5 basic ways that people use to express (romantic) love:
- words of affirmation
- gift giving
- acts of service
- quality time
- and physical touch

He also, very daringly, theorises that most all marital problems are caused by the participants' lacking language skills, i.e. them having different ways of expressing love. In his defence, Mr. Chapman spends over 200 pages coming up with increasingly looser definitions for said love languages to support his claim... so he might as well be right by the end.



For all my hatred of the self-help/self-improvement genre in general, I'm fairly lenient when it comes to qualifications I require from authors writing these books. As long as they're fluent, are not boring me and try to make a modicum of sense, I'm willing to give them a chance. Yes, 9 times out of 10, I end up disappointed but no one can say I didn't at least give them the benefit of doubt.

I mainly view these kinds of books as advice from some "well-meaning" busybody intent on sharing their coping mechanism with the world. Had this book been a 2-page essay, I wouldn't even have considered it all that bad...



The good part is how he explains/illustrates the mistake in difference of communication: like not just lobbing (empty) praises at someone who wants to see action. He also makes a valid point in people not handling the difference between the long-term more sedate pace of love and the initial passionate falling in love phase.

The bad part is in fact mostly due to the specific examples with which Chapman chooses to illustrate his concepts. Though I give him props for changing some of his more sexist anecdotes from the first editions, he still has some very problematic ones.
Off the top of my head, the one where he makes the husband listen by literally repeating the wife's complaints word for word. And later he suggests to a woman whose husband constantly screams and belittles her, that she should have sex with him more often... among other things. Dunno about you, but outside of some very dubious BDSM scenarios, I can't see this ending well.



And the weird part is how almost all of his patients are ambushing him. Maybe this is my modern, scheduling-oriented self speaking, but did people in the 60s and 70s just randomly walk up to councillors and start pouring their hearts out... whereEVER? Or is this just a cultural(ly rude) thing where other people's personal time is not meant to be respected?

Score: 2/5 stars

I think I should make this official: all most popular books give me allergies. No really, you should see how the mere mention of Oprah's name has me break out in literal (i.e. metaphorical) hives. Additionally, I spent three quarters of the allocated reading time dreading having to start the book.... so there was no way I was ever going to like it.

Apparently there are 2 versions of this book, with the 2nd edition (from 2015) being the more "palatable" one for the contemporary reader. Having gone through the first half of the first edition, I can tell you that the general idea remains the same and the overall traditional Christian undertones are still very keenly felt through both versions.



Alternately, I'm told that my BS religious tolerance is ridiculously low, for someone living in a predominantly Christian society. *cue immature raspberry blowing*