This book addicted me even before I owned it. I found it on the floor of a friend's house and devoured two chapters before I ran to Borders to get it for myself. Then I found myself staying up till all hours to finish it, taking notes, chatting with friends about it, and reading everything the author put out. And I'm a woman.

I didn't find it offensive, ridiculous, or prurient, I found it a nice tasty behavioral anthropological meal. At the same time, I didn't pity or laugh at the guys pictured inside. Real social pressures were at play on everyone involved, and Strauss depicted all his subjects with brotherly affection. Even the women, who a lesser writer would have objectified completely, were treated with respect and fairness. He's honest about his feelings for them, or lack thereof.

It struck me a break-neck epic full of anti-heroes (and anti-heroines) all competing for love, sex, and glory, and I ate it up.

I watched the TV show, "The Pickup Artist," a couple of years ago, and this book got rave reviews from some men I know very well. Some wanted to gain an edge when talking to the average woman (ugh) and others just read it for entertainment value. As someone astutely questioned, why am *I* reading it? Well... "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." (Sun Tzu)

I watched some of the show with mixed feelings and found myself feeling the same way about the book: proud of these men for taking their life into their own hands and learning how to communicate with people they used to find intimidating, but also annoyed with the misogynistic trickery that went along with it.

I actually recognized the tactics of "The Game" from my own past experience in bars, clubs, and even just leaving the house. As the author insists, they do work on a certain type of girl. I'm happy to report after extensive "field-testing" that I am NOT that type of girl.

A few examples of hapless misplaced "sarges":

I was having drinks with a colleague in a hotel bar when an older man interrupted us to demonstrate a magic trick involving a coin and my participation. He had one too many directions for my liking, so I finally asked him to just explain the expected outcome. Hoping to bait me further, he refused to tell me, so I turned around and ignored him. He proceeded to drop his coin on the floor and touched my legs while he was down there. Suffice it to say words were exchanged with my rather large male colleague, and his friends saved him what could have been a good physical beating on top of that.

I was at a club with some friends when a younger guy approached me, asking if I'd seen the fight outside. He assured me that it was still going on and I should go check it out. Several of my friends were dancing and I wanted to keep our seats for when they returned. I told him I wasn't interested, but he kept nagging me. I told him if he didn't go away and leave me alone, I'd punch him in the neck. I don't remember all of what happened after that, but it was confirmed that I made good on my promise.

I was waiting at a bus stop when a guy asked me to "settle a bet" because he thought he could guess my name. It was an obvious ploy to talk to me, and I had to be aloof because walking away meant missing the bus. He kept trying to talk to me, even though I was wearing sunglasses and headphones and a posture that screamed, "Don't talk to me." I finally ended it by saying, "You are out of guesses. This conversation is over."

I didn't know these approaches had been hand-selected from a book, but something about them felt contrived and wrong. These were "openers," lines and scripts that were premeditated and designed to lure me in. *sigh* I wish it were that easy.

Perhaps my broken female brain isn't wired to heed such pithy calls to action, even when I'm in my regular state of three sheets to the wind. I don't mind idle chat as much as I used to, but I still don't enjoy talking to strangers who have nothing to say.

This hostile mindset does not make me particularly smart or even astutely aware of my surroundings. It more likely means I was bred with a level of skepticism that is unlikely to change. The book is about how to open the lines of communication leading up to seducing the opposite sex. Do I want to be seduced? Of course, more than anyone would believe. But since I'm apt to loathe the regular tricks and immediately search for a true connection or at least clever conversation, it's going to take extra effort from whoever feels they are up to the challenge.

*crickets*

Yeah, I thought so.

I appreciate that the author notes: "If I didn't get the phone number, I didn't blame it on the girl for being cold or bitchy, as so many other sargers did. I blamed myself and analyzed every word, gesture, and reaction until I pinpointed a tactical error."

This is not common for most men, both in his experience and mine. This calls to mind a particular instance when I was using my laptop in the lobby of my apartment complex, again minding my own business, when a guy approached me and asked if the lobby had free wireless. I looked up and replied, "Yes." And the guy turned to his two friends and loudly exclaimed, "Man, Seattle women are BITCHES! I just asked a question! Why are girls here such BITCHES?!?" He proceeded to mimic my answer as he stormed out of the building. Um... yeah. Boy was I missing out.

The author also points out a sad truth: "Most men make the mistake of believing that an attractive woman who doesn't talk to or acknowledge him is a bitch. Most of the time, however, she's just as shy or insecure as the less attractive women he's ignoring—if not more so."

I often think something along those lines when talking to people I don't know very well. They could feel just as uncomfortable not knowing me as I feel not knowing them, so I should give people the benefit of the doubt and appear as happy and confident as I can.

Anyway, this book obviously did its job. It got me to think about the social dynamics between men and women, and it entertained me too. Even if you're female, not interested in dating, married, or a hermit, you'll likely find at least some value in this book.

A solid book about picking up women. I think it is vital for every man to dedicate themselves to the continual study and understanding of women. Hence the reason why I pick-up numerous books about relationships and picking up women as well. Its written like a story, so when he repeats some of the tips, you digest it by repetition. I am having a hard time finishing the book, but its definitely eye opening cause it talks about some of the extremes real pickup artists go to pickup women.

The ending was surprising and I learned a great many things from this book. Namely...

1. Players are successful cause they just don't give a sh*t about women.

2. Sometimes you have to risk losing a woman to get her.

3. Men NEVER choose the women. They only present women with the opportunity to choose them - This really hit home for me, especially with my last relationship.

I hate this book. I hate myself for reading it. (I tried not to.) I hate Neil Strauss and I hate every idiotgirl who slept with him or gave him her number. It's true that I love to hate and that would be reason enough not to drop kick this book into the nearest dumpster. (Also, I got it from the library so that would be rude and I'd have to pay for it anyway.) But I actually enjoyed it, God help me. The author put an astronomical amount of time and energy into bamboozling people and dammit it worked. He's a pathetic little man but he's actually kind of likable. Grrr!

I'm ashamed of the women who've fallen for all this pick-up artist bullshit and I'm ashamed of the men who wasted actual brain-power on learning how to do it. I don't want to believe that there are hundreds of thousands of men out there who want, more than anything else in life, to be able to nail chicks that are way too hot for them. What a pathetic life's ambition. How sad for society in general.

There has to be a way to end this. Prostitution should definitely be legal. Not just legal, but socially acceptable. Also, beautiful women need to be less stingy with the goods. Throw these social rejects a bone, so to speak. Their unchecked macking is a danger to us all.

Now please excuse me while I try to restore my faith in humanity by watching Remember the Titans, Return to Me*, and The Blindside.







*I know that one's not based on a true story but I like to pretend that it is.

Rating this because of what it provided me based on my own reasons for reading (writing research.)

I've been reading a little about Cluster B personality disorders, and I think the rules and attitudes outlined in this book relate a lot to that. The pithy arguments in favour of the lifestyle it promotes (effectively including "Some of these dweebs would've shot up their schools if I hadn't helped them lose their virginity") sounded almost identical to those in favour of sociopaths from Confessions of a Sociopath, one of which was, "Sociopaths do a lot of good in their community because they are often high-ranking lawyers, CEOs etc." (Elsewhere in that book, without any sense of irony, the author points out that sociopaths don't care how they achieve their goals, only that they achieve them. By that logic, you can bet that better, non-sociopathic candidates should rightfully have the higher ranking jobs stolen from them by unscrupulous manipulators.) It's like, these men tried everything but changing their attitudes towards women. They went all out to do anything but that. (Do you think you can be contemptuous and compassionate at the same time?)

And there's all the kind of blanket statements you'd expect about everyone wanting this lifestyle, it's beneficial for both parties because women enjoy being wooed etc. This is sociopathic also, I feel: there is no distinction between genuine interest for the aim of real connection and feigned interest for the sake of ego-boosting.

But it didn't make me mad; it just made me sad. Sad for all the many lonely frustrated men who, as Strauss warns about/ does anyway, attach all their self-esteem to their abilities with the opposite sex. It's in the make-up of life that we often yearn for one thing that will make us feel whole forever- why doesn't such a thing exist? Can't we be docile and sated by something, at least for like a few weeks, even? Life is tough, man- but you're not gonna find the cure in there.

I'm not repelled by the text because I know fine well if I met a master manipulator, they probably could convince me to do just about anything. That's not a slight on my lack of character but something I think most people should admit would happen when they meet someone who has dedicated most of their time and mental energy towards the pursuit of exactly what they want, which is all they think about all the time. There's only one solution when it comes to people like that: feel sad for them at arm's fucking length. Because their manipulation often relies on you believing you're the special one who will teach them the error of their ways! It's just another layer of their shit sandwich. They'll work out what you value and use against you in a way that is so cynical, you'll wish you were never exposed to it. I've met horrible people but never sociopaths, but I imagine the experience is shocking, both that someone can live their life thinking so little of human interaction, that it's all a self-serving pleasure-based construct or whatever; and also because the attitude is near irrefutable.

I'm not surprised by what happened to Strauss afterwards, since, as I suspected when reading this, he is not in fact a sociopath- which is a shame, because otherwise he could have gained lifelong satisfaction from being a pickup artist- he was just a lonely guy whose greatest hollow seduction he performed on himself.

I will be interested to read his latest book also, but I don't think he should be surprised what a tough time he will have trying to reverse public opinion of him. Who could even quantify the damage this book has done?

Actually, Profound Applied Psychology of Mating Rituals

“That’s a very sexist way to talk abou’ dees bitches!"
S. B. Cohen a/k/a Da Ali G.

This is a fascinating trip to vicarious realization of Eros' dreams of shy guys--e.g., the younger me-- and geeks everywhere. Yet, a journey that--as one might suspect--comes to the author's recognition of the emptiness of sexual prolificity.

I concede this isn't one most of my friends will read. Because I don't want anyone reading this to get the idea I'm chauvinistic, my fascination comes from being painfully shy growing up and lacking self-confidence to talk to girls/ladies. I'm a guy who fits every profile in Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I would drift off to sleep nights, praying for a cure. In fact, up until I was maybe 17, it was dreadful: I would clam up even around girls who pursued me.

Anyhow, Strauss, a reporter for Rolling Stone, decided he was tired of losing with the ladies so he signs up for some pickup artists' courses and infiltrates the pick-up society. As it turns out, these guys are far from the bores I pictured when I heard "pickup artist." Strauss takes the reader through a sort of odyssey in lessons on and applications of the pop psychology of mating, especially focused on single hetero females, as he quickly learns how to meet and date women.

When I look back on those long ago days of a quarter century ago when I was single, I would have given anything to know the secrets of "Mystery" and his "Method." Just one of many examples (giving this from memory on a book I read 5 years ago): even with all self-confidence in the world and "peacocking," one should never directly go after his target, he approaches her crowd and focuses on another girl, and then as soon as he gets a chance, he gives her what pickup guys call a "neg" to give her the idea he notices her, but isn't that interested, and puts her down a rung, but not too harsh to offend.

Apparently, this "negging" is a well-worn technique of initial primitive attraction, much more successful than not, if the man can maintain his confidence and her interest. Examples include:

"Aww, that's cute, your nose wiggles when you laugh. Look! There it goes again!"
"I really dig those tall, hot heels. What are you, like 4'9" without 'em?"
"You’re really cute; you know that? Well, not like cute-cute, more like puppy-cute"
"I think I saw you here a few weeks ago. Were you wearing that same dress? It IS a nice dress."
"Wow. You really wrecked a moment! Your old boyfriends must have really hated that about you.”
"You blink a lot.")

This book also intrigued me because I was always wanting to know why some of you girls actually fall for such horseshit. It's all so demeaning to the female. Nonetheless, given my background, yes, it is true that I would find this all very fascinating, notwithstanding its lack of practical use to me now given my age and marital status.

Strauss becomes so proficient and successful that he became somewhat of a mythical figure in the pickup society. Given his appearance and comportment at the beginning--bald, a big honker, short--I seems quite astounding.

Alas tho, in the end, he came to a few self-revelations:

“To win the game was to leave it.”

“In fact, every woman I met seemed disposable and replaceable. I was experiencing seducer's paradox: The better a seducer I became, the less I loved women. Success was no longer defined by getting laid or finding a girlfriend, but by how well I performed.”

“There is a downside to casual sex: Sometimes it stops being casual. People develop a desire for something more. And when one person's expectations don't match the other person's, then whoever holds the highest expectations suffers. There is no such thing as cheap sex. It always comes with a price.”

Fuck this fucking book.

Who knew that a book ostensibly on dating would be such a wonderful meditation on existential despair and what it means to be a man.

NYT writer and erstwhile nerd Neil Strauss joins the "pickup artist community" either as a writing assignment or as a means of escaping the friend zone. (I wasn't reading that carefully at the beginning.)

He finds a group of social outcasts who have analyzed, dissected, and labeled each stage and possible outcome of a social encounter with the goal of meeting and attracting the opposite sex. (It's unclear why there are no gay pick up artists.)

Some of these techniques -- such as "peacocking" by wearing outlandish clothing, performing magic tricks, and cheesy palm reading routines -- seem far more embarrassing than rejection itself. But apparently they work.

What Temple Grandin is to slaughtering cows, these guys are to picking up women.

Sadly, some of them panic when they get into a situation that doesn't have a label or an associated technique, such as successfully seducing a woman. It's sort of like a dog who catches a car and has no idea what to do with it. Even more sadly, some of them are such dedicated onanists that they find they are incapable of orgasm involving another person.

Neil becomes fascinated with a bi-polar, Canadian, magician with daddy issues and a narcissistic personality disorder (my diagnosis) that goes by the handle Mystery. (They all have pick-up artist nicknames, similar to people who used CB radios back in the 70s.) They support themselves by traveling around the world holding seminars on how to pick up girls. Price: around $1,500 for a 3 night lesson.

Mystery's life goal is oddly specific: He wants a long-term relationship with two bi-sexual women, one Asian and one blonde, who will be lovers as well as assistants for his magic show. He doesn't achieve this goal.

When a group of top-ranked pickup artists decide to move into a house together and call it Project Hollywood, the beta males all suddenly grow bitch claws and start attacking each other. Mr. Strauss tries to keep a writerly detachment but he's caught up in all the games. Everything falls apart with the amount of drama that you might expect from a group of people dedicated to the art of manipulation. Oh, and Courtney Love has moved in by this time.

I was curious about the opportunities that are available post-pick up artist. According to this book they are as follows: (1) reality show contestant, (2) married and monogamous, though somehow marrying a party girl they met at a club using manipulative techniques doesn't lead to a healthy long-term relationship, (3) devoutly religious, trading one form of ecstasy for another and trying to fill the God-shaped hole with an actual God, and (4) dating Courtney Love's guitarist.

Oddly compelling and highly recommended.

Handsdown one of the best book to be read on psychology. There's more than just 'The Game'. Neil will keep you engrossed till the last page. You'll not regret reading this piece.

Bonus: More reading material on psychology.

Neil Strauss has a fun writing style.

This book is about a group of men who did not have the exposure or natural abilities to successfully meet women. Instead of accepting their fate, they approach dating like a science experience: they formulate theories about human interactions and develop algorithmic approaches meeting potential dating partners.

Of course it’s not magic and doesn’t work every time, but they empirically test their theories in 1000’s of interactions. It helps that they have one of the most powerful motivators of all time: getting laid.

A lot of people will be very quick to judge the pick up artist community but I think there’s something interesting here:
1. Firstly, I think this algorithmic approach to interactions is more common than we’d guess. For instance, it wouldn’t surprise us that a waiter tells all her tables the same joke.
2. Secondly, not everyone is born with or exposed to the right influences to learn how to interact with potential partners. Isn’t it great that this is a skill that can be learned by anyone with enough motivation?

The reductionist view of human interactions certainly has a bunch of limitations, but there's still value in this lens.

Quality of dating advice: trash
Quality of entertainment: gold

I know I'm taking a risk by even acknowledging its existence and my familiarity with its contents. It may not be interpreted kindly that an Orthodox rabbi (in training) reads *this* widely. But this book tells a story of ethical tension that is, hands down, the most powerful treatise on morals and group dynamics I have ever read. Period.

I found it at once the modern man's n  sefer musarn of choice, and the endgame of every single Reality TV show ever made. But it is not for everyone.

You'll know if it's for you after reading the first 10 pages. (The first 5 are here)

THE GREAT novelty in this book is simple: credibility. The author walks down roads, and perhaps comes to conclusions, that ultimately reflect an eerily familiar set of values. However, this presentation is backed up by his experience, and so we trust his authority.

And who is "we"?: non-authoritarian, ethical, sexually aware (not necessarily active) human beings who thoughtfully approach the question: What kind of relationship is a good one? Because before we even seek an Other, we must choose: wordless college hook-up, one-night stand, short term "friend", long term friend "to have fun with", companion, life partner, or spouse/best-friend to start a family with (or yet something else). This book may make you question your unconscious assumptions or conscious decisions in this area.

(I admit my assumption that female readers can also gain these things from a man's story.)

Authoritarians ask their authorities (clergy, philosophers, etc.) and skip the discovery process I describe. Unethical people should have little interest in the book, as ethical-tension is the book’s essential content, and they can get more direct material online. Finally, sexually -unaware or -sensitive folk (e.g., modest or religious individuals) won’t stomach the mildly graphic descriptions of what the protagonist lived through – ignorance is bliss, for them.

Understand:
A 'pickup artist' is an amateur social scientist who adopts a language of "technology" complete with acronyms and jargon in order to systematize interpersonal relations: in this specific instance, how to get girls into bed. With the internet as catalyst, they formed a community, granting the unprecedented ability to share knowledge and methods.

The author is an NYT and then Rolling Stone reporter who, born and raised a geek, discovered this community of pickup artists. To make a long story short, he mastered the "art". How did it change him? Does power corrupt? Esp. power over sexuality?

The book is selfish. I.e., it is about self-discovery, self-esteem, self-worth. It is about the connection sex has to the self, and reveals much about the modern cultural condition. It also tells a story, and effortlessly, such that rays of life’s truths stream though the filter of (every) author’s unavoidable sins of omission. You will learn what you want to from the book, and therein lies the "danger" in my recommendation.

Full disclosure: I vicariously got something out of my system, learned about the human being, and myself. It validated many concepts I have about friendship, group dynamics, and honesty. It also serves as a warning about the evils of backbiting and gossip, misogyny, and coveting. To my mind, it points to similar conclusions that I see in classical Jewish ethical literature. It complements Wendy Shalit's n  Modestyn nicely. I am not a fan or groupie: I am engaged to a woman who has trebled the joy and light in my life, and opened up new worlds to me, my teacher, my student – so I am not a consumer of this. And the only habit I have adopted since reading the book is to smile whenever I walk into a room of people I don't know. Though perhaps, that is life-changing enough...

Update: Not married to the woman anymore, so maybe I now am part of the target audience (and potential consumer), and could benefit from a reread. But FWIW, none of my life experiences in the intervening years would give me any cause to step back from what I said above.