This book was a tough read at first because it speaks bluntly to women in problematic relationships. However if you are in a situation of domestic abuse the chapters of the book read like a training manual for escape. The book was a gift that I am glad I took the time to read. I am keeping this one on the shelf as reference because it really helps women understand that not all relationships involve verbal or physical abuse.

Otherwise known as Malignant Narcissists, today. I still possess this little book; it validated a reality in a marriage collapsed which continued to unravel malevolent family histories for more than the next twenty years. Wow

Must-read resource for women stuck in abusive relationships.

I have definitely found this book useful in my process of grief after a long-term abusive relationship. However, I have mixed feelings on just how useful. I truly wish I had read this book years ago and while I was experiencing domestic abuse from my partner. The rich information Forward puts forth might have saved me months or years of abhorrent treatment. But even reading it now, I felt understood and not alone in this, realizing that what I went through is much more common and less of a confusing mystery, really, than I had thought while in it.

That being said, for someone in the process of recovery after this relationship, there aren't really any revolutionary tips I was low-key looking for. Also, the author uses a number of couples' stories which represent the type of men who may be abusers - but I personally didn't see myself or my ex in any of them directly. And finally, I'm not sure that the whole case of domestic abuse is as straightforward as dealing with misogynists; sure, my ex had a ton of issues with his parents and definitely his mom, but I don't quite believe he's a 100% misogynist of all the terrible things he is.

Overall, though, I definitely felt understood, normal, valuable and very, very brave for getting myself out of this situation. I highly recommend this book to all women in abusive relationships with men (it's certainly heteronormative but very gentle and even life-saving).

Some key takeaways:
- "Children from high-drama households often grow up with the idea that tension is an integral part of love. Therefore, the girl who grows up in a high-drama family is an ideal partner for the charismatic, explosive misogynist."
- “Denying or repressing strong emotions doesn't eliminate them. Instead, they get displaced or stored up.”
- “Children from high-drama households often grow up with the idea that tension is an integral part of love. Therefore, the girl who grows up in a high-drama family is an ideal partner for the charismatic, explosive misogynist. The fighting, the tension, and the drama are "normal" and familiar to her. She views the swings from despair to joy, from love to hate, from abuse to intense lovemaking as proof of love.”
- “As children, because of our dependency, we experience a sense of being powerless in a world of powerful people. If our home environments are unpleasant or painful, we defend ourselves by secretly promising ourselves that when we grow up we will do things better than our parents did. However, because we know only what we learned as children, as adults we continue to seek out experiences and relationships that offer the comfort of familiarity. So, despite our heroic promises to do things differently, we often end up duplicating our childhood situations and relationships.”
- “When a child is subjected to verbal attacks, she sees it not as something being done to her but as something she has caused by her own failings."
- "It is behavior, not words, that has the greatest impact on a child. When a mother tells her daughter not to allow a man to control her or abuse her and then models the opposite in her own relationship with her husband, the girl will respond only to the behavioral message, not the verbal one."
- "The normal need for bonding with the parent becomes more intense if the parent withdraws love and becomes a figure of fear and anxiety. The more frightening the parent, and the more he threatens to pull away, the more fiercely the child will cling to him in an effort to regain the parent's goodwill. To the confused child, the angry parent, who both loves and hurts, is a giant. This giant controls the child's life through the use of fear and the manipulation of love. The child must be constantly designing her behavior either to avoid the parent's wrath or to get the parent's approval."
- "Repressed rage can be one of the major sources of stress to the body. In fact, it can actually begin to wear the body out."
- " Many women give up the battle for activities and friends of their own because they feel so drained by the bigger battles in the relationship; this one doesn't seem worth the fight. But it is a battle worth fighting, because it is one of the more subtle ways in which the woman can become isolated. What makes it so subtle is that initially she may feel flattered. It may appear that her partner is so in love with her that he doesn't want to share her with anyone else. In reality, however, he is gradually making her renounce the people and activities that are important in her life."
- "What makes a woman vulnerable to mistreatment at home, no matter how well she functions outside, is the belief that her need for her partner's love is the most important thing in her life."
- "Fear in intimate relationships operates on several levels. On one level there are the survival fears—fear of making it financially on your own, fear of being poor, fear of being the sole provider and nurturer for your children, and fear of being alone—which keep women from leaving abusive relationships."
- "In addition to threatening to physically harm his partner, the misogynist may threaten to harm himself or his children. He may threaten to cut off all the money, or he may threaten to find someone else and leave if his partner doesn't do what he wants her to. The more a woman gives in to these threats and intimidations, the less power she has in the relationship. Once she feels helpless, her fears become even more overwhelming."
- "To avoid having to live in a state of such painful, intense fear, many women will begin to do some very complex psychological maneuvers. Because the woman's sense of emotional well-being depends on her partner's good moods, she cannot afford to see him as cruel and irrational; she must see him as loving. To do this, she must alter her beliefs about herself and her perceptions of him so that she does not see anything wrong in the relationship. Her next step—and the most dangerous one—is to convince herself that she actually deserves his bad treatment of her."
- "much of his abusive behavior is a cover-up for his tremendous anxiety about women. He is caught in the conflict between his need for the woman's love and his deepseated fears of her. This man needs, as we all do, to feel emotionally taken care of, to be loved, and to feel safe."
- "Inherent in his fear of this dependency is the equally dreadful fear that she will leave him. His terrors of being alone, of being unable to cope, and of being overwhelmed by an insatiable neediness all grip him again. Chronologically he is an adult, but psychologically he is still a frightened child."
- "The messages we receive as children become the core information we use about ourselves and our position in the world for the rest of our lives. Often, however, we do not consciously realize that this information even exists. One of the greatest benefits of reexamining our backgrounds is that we discover what messages we got from our parents. Although this discovery process is painful, it assists us in our efforts to change our current behavior and even our feelings about ourselves. Messages, after all, are learned; any anything we learned can be unlearned."
- "It's a mistake to think that if we don't remember or don't acknowledge painful experiences they will just disappear. In fact, great damage is done to us by those phantoms and pieces of memories that swim around in the unconscious, the part of us that never forgets. Unpleasant experiences gain power over us by being denied or hidden, but they can be made to relinquish that power when they are brought out in the open."
- "But the misogynist can get very mad over virtually nothing. He explodes over the most insignificant events. He exaggerates, he maximizes—he makes mountains out of molehills."
- "Nothing bonds a woman to a misogynist more addictively than his swings back and forth between love and abuse."
- "The misogynist's outbursts as well as his tenderness generally have little to do with how his partner is behaving. He is driven by his own inner demons. Therefore, there is no way to guarantee his good moods or eliminate his angry ones."

“Children from high-drama households often grow up with the idea that tension is an integral part of love. Therefore, the girl who grows up in a high-drama family is an ideal partner for the charismatic, explosive misogynist. The fighting, the tension, and the drama are "normal" and familiar to her. She views the swings from despair to joy, from love to hate, from abuse to intense lovemaking as proof of love.”
― Susan Forward, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why

This is an outstanding read which I first read many years ago.

Many books that fall into the "self help" category can be dry and..sorry to say..rather boring but this book is easy to read and written with grace, intelligence and dignity.

As someone who always fell for the wrong men, I really enjoyed the book which provides a large quantity of knowledge while never sounding patronizing.

Highly recommended.

Recommended by my practicum supervisor. Very helpful information for understanding and helping those stuck in emotionally abusive relationships.

Read in my late 20s when choosing all the wrong men. Learned a lot I didn't want to know (but really already did).

Self help book that explores misogyny.

I read this in the early 90s. This book saved my marriage. Insightful, compassionate. Dr. Forward gives you the tools you need to evaluate your situation, and how to change it. She helps you understand how to change your reactions to your partner's behaviors, which are all we can change, in order to affect changes to the relationship. Emphasis on your safety, extremely helpful. Helpful exercises aid in putting together the complete picture for yourself and take action.

A helpful read for women in the throe of, or have been in and consequently want to make sense of, unhealthy relationships with an abusive partner. It’s important to keep in mind that this book was published in 1987, when there weren’t as many helpful labels to describe behaviour. That the book relied on the term “misogynist” was the best it could do as abusive behaviour in heterosexual relationships was understood. Even though I don’t find the book immediately applicable, I can see its step-by-step delineation of abuse using case studies, and strategies, both cognitive and practical, invaluable to its intended readership.

I picked up the book as a gift for my cousin but instead I kept it. I found that it helped me find closure after my divorce.

I consider this a must read for all women as soon as possible. The author provides a good "guide" on behaviors to watch out for in relationships - both your own and your partners - so you (hopefully) don't get in too deep and can run quickly before life sucks. From my perspective, this book is geared more towards a person looking for a last ditch effort to do their part to help a relationship work better with a misogynist in the workplace, romance, and family. I read this book in e-book format, It worked ok for the majority of it, but when it comes to some of the self reflection questions or exercises, the actual book might be better. I also listened to this while I was reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. I felt they complemented each other well for the most part.I finished both within a day of each other, finishing this one first. I enjoyed how the author used specific relationships she worked with (say, Bill and Kathy) and gave examples throughout of each couple in different scenarios/topics. I liked being able to follow the relationships and seeing how the women in each one applied what they had learned in therapy with the author (that you learn in the book). This is a book that I will read again and recommend to my female friends the way I recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker as must reads for women.
The author gives good contrasts between a narcissist and a misogynist. Differences in their personalities/makeup matter in how you deal with them. The best advice I found in this book was watching your own behavior when things go sideways in an argument with a misogynist, being an immersed observer and listener during an argument, and a good exit plan. While most of the books and videos out there regarding difficult partners leans towards narcissists, after reading this, I can see that some people are not at the narcissist definition. I realized how easy it was to confuse someone for a narcissist vs. a misogynist, although they can overlap and be both. They are most likely a misogynist. The biggest difference between the two that I took away was the narcissist lacks empathy, while the misogynist can empathize and show caring to his partner in an unselfish way. The misogynist is definitely a Jekyll and Hyde type person, whereas (to me) the narcissist is a plain selfish asshole. As far as being an observer/listener, my personal summary of that is to observe and listen to both yourself and the misogynist during an argument. At the same time, the author suggests you look into yourself and determine how you are feeling and thinking about what is happening in the argument. Is the misogynist yelling? Insulting? Throwing things? How do their actions make you feel? What do you think? Once you can tell the difference of what you are feeling vs. thinking, it will be easier to break down you reaction to you being in control. Once you start doing it, you might even find the situation comical, as discerning helps you see how ridiculous the misogynist if behaving. The author has several exercises that might seem pointless to some, but based on the author's examples, can be helpful. The exit plan covers different considerations such as children, finances, career options, and dishonesty by not telling the misogynist anything you are planning/doing as part of that exit plan. The author does a good job cautioning about safety considerations with past/present/prospective violence. I would recommend this book for anyone who works with battered or abused women or if you, or someone you know is in an abusive situation (verbal/emotional/physical). Even if you are looking for a last ditch effort, the author does make it clear that with some misogynist partners, leaving will improve your life immensly.

Es un libro de autoayuda, nos habla acerca de la misoginia en las relaciones, explora el por qué se dan y cómo es que nosotras estamos dispuestas a aceptarlo. Se divide en dos partes la lectura, la primera los temas tienen que ver con temas alucivos al odio que sienten los hombres por las mujeres, todo el proceso y mecanismo de la vida en pareja, y nos hace un poco entender porque las mujeres se quedan ahí y sienten "ser felices" en el cumplimiento de su misión de vida.
La segunda parte, tiene por título las mujeres que siguen amándolos, aquí se tocan muchas estrategias, temas, lecturas y ejercicios para que una mujer pueda empezar su recuperación y así también poder abonar al apoyo en pareja ( aunque no siempre funciona en el caso de ellos).
Para mi, ha sido una herramienta para superación personal, jamás se debe de estar mal para querer ver y aprender, se adquiere consciencia para una relación más sana y plena.
Recomiendo sea leída por muchas mujeres, y que éste les sea de ayuda para saber como las están "amando".
*La ofrenda más maravillosa que puedes hacerte, y hacer a cualquier hombre que esté contigo, es el seguro sentimiento de tu propio valor, y con él tu esperanza de ser amada y tratada con humano respeto*