A really well-stated book, Dr. Bailey has distilled her suggestions into seven skills that turn children constantly in conflict into more cooperative individuals. The concepts seem easy at first until you try to implement them, and realize how much negativity we hand each other every day in commonly-used language. I find myself questioning how I say things now, wondering if I couldn't have said them better, with more optimism. I m tutoring a four-year-old Difficult Child: this book, together with Dr. Turecki's THE DIFFICULT CHILD and Faber and Mazlish's HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, are forming a platform with which I can approach both the parents and the child, both on a teaching level as well as a psychological one.

I opened the book sort of skeptically and not feeling especially needful of any tips on disciplining...I can hold the line, no problem.

I consider myself something of an authority on parenting books, having read at least 25 of them. They seem to fall into categories, Tips and Tricks, Woah You Didn’t Already Know This Hype, Specific Problem, XYZ is the Reason Why Kids Today are Weird, Parenting Through Religious Teachings and finally, Teach Yourself to Teach Your Children Without Screwing Them Up Too Badly. Easy to Love is the only one I’ve read that falls into this last category. This is my third reading of this book in two years.

About two and a half years ago was my most difficult time during my relatively short time as a mother. I had been struggling with my then three-year-old since she hit that 18 months mark. I was pregnant with my second, doubting my wisdom in birthing my first and feeling an like an utter failure as a parent. I was so stressed I was actually having chest pains. I was yelling, swearing and otherwise being the exact opposite of what I wanted to be.  Despite my fervent attempts at control, (or perhaps because of them) Danielle was misbehaving at every turn; defiant, (NO, YOU CLEAN IT UP!) hurtful, (I HATE YOU!) and quick to melt down at every setback. I’m getting anxious just writing this. I tried everything: time-outs, punishing bad behavior by taking things away, rewarding good behavior and offering choices and incentives. I also tried outright control tactics using all my power as MOM to control her. None of it worked and none of us were happy.  I knew there had to be a better way. I searched and searched and when I found this book the synopsis shone like a ray of hope into my desperate heart. I think I may have heard angels harmonizing.  Yes, yes this is us!

As I read I knew I found that elusive parenting philosophy for which I had been searching! Becky focuses on self-control (for parents and children) and discipline as teaching rather than punishment. Kids develop in predictable ways and no one is born knowing how to negotiate conflict. Some of us never learned. (Me!) As I grew I learned how to avoid most conflicts and internalize the rest. (Awesome strategy, no?) In my mind conflict is BAD. (No wonder I used to fantasize about running away to the mountains to be a hermit.) In actuality conflict is GOOD, because it is an excellent opportunity for learning and teaching. Instead of giving me advice on to manipulate and control my children, it taught me how discipline and control myself, so I could then be an effective teacher for my children. Every time I teach my girls how to negotiate through a conflict I feel more confident negotiating my own conflicts. It taught me how to assertively say “no” and be heard without being hurtful. It taught me to be kind to myself when I make mistakes and give myself credit for my good intentions so that I could see my children’s true (good) intent and be kind with them when they make mistakes. Then guide and practice with them what to do instead. I learned how to turn off the “punitive self talk” (Amy, that was really stupid. What’s wrong with you?) that was programmed into me, so I can also resist hurling the plethora of terrible phrases I have stored away at my children. It taught me that the gift of controlled parenting that I give my children, I also give myself. I feel like I’m finally going through and throwing out my growing-up-baggage rather than handing it down to them.

Easy to Love can get a bit confusing with Becky’s Seven Powers for this and Seven Basic Skills for that and GAMES and PEACE plans that don’t fit very well with what you’re supposed to remember. However, if you take it slow and read word to word, stopping to absorb and mentally practice what’s she’s saying, you’ll get it. This book is the exact opposite of a quick-fix, it takes years and multiple reading before everything really start to sink in. Becky stated that for her personally it took about five years before the processes and words felt natural and came to her mind without thinking hard first. I was discouraged initially and then thought, I could be the same crappy, ineffective parent I am now in five years or a better, happier version of myself in five years.

Here is an example of a personal situation to which I applied Becky’s teachings.

Marker Mayhem! 

Danielle is coloring with markers at her kid sized table in our front room. Gabi comes up and tries (in normal toddler fashion) to grab the marker right out of Danielle's hands. Danielle shouts, “NO GABI THAT’S MIIINE!! MOOoooooOOMM, Gabi is trying to take my marker!!!”

Gabi starts stomping her feet and adds to the cacophony, “I neeeeed it! Give it to Gabi!”

Before reading this book (or on an off day today) I would have handled it one of two ways:


Tact 1. Go after Danielle because she's older and therefore less crazy.

Me: “Danielle, can you share your marker with Gabi?”
Danielle: “No! Noooo! I need it to finish my horse picture!” Predicting that I’m going to coerce her she digs in. “I don’t want her to use my markers!”
Me:  I'm getting frustrated at this point and my brains becoming scrambled by all the ambient screaming: “Danielle, you need to learn to share! Gabi just wants to color with you! Why is that such a terrible thing?! Give her one of the other markers that you’re not using.”
Danielle: “NO, NOOOOO! I don’t want her to use my markers!!” “Gooo away GABI!” she practically spits out.  Gabi ratchets her displeasure up a notch.
Me: Feeling desperate I say, “Gabi, lets you and me go read some books!”
Gabi: “No, no! Color! Markers! Maaaaarrrrrkers!"
Me: “Danielle, share with Gabi or the markers are mine.”
Danielle: “No!!!!” 


I take all the markers and shove them in the box and put them up on top of the fridge.

Danielle: “Good, you take them, just so long as GABI doesn’t get to use them. FINE!”
Me: *Long angry rant about sharing and sisterly love and you should be so lucky to have so much and this is selfish behavior, etc, etc.*

Tact 2:  Go after Gabi because she's the offender.

Me: “Gabi, you can’t snatch things from other people!” “Let go! Let gooo!” Pry her fingers off Danielle’s marker.
Danielle: “Yeah, Gabi don’t snatch!”
Gabi: “Maaaaaaarrrrker! I neeeeed it!”
Me: “Gabi, lets do something else. Do you want to read a book?”
Gabi: “No, maaaarrrrker!”
Me: “How about blocks? We can build a super cool tower!”
Gabi: “No, marker!”

Gabi runs back and grabs marker again. Then we start with tact 1.

Results of doing things “my” way:
I’m angry and disappointed, Danielle is angry with me and Gabi, and Gabi is melting down. I did all the work resolving the conflict and nobody is feeling good.

This is how it plays out when I use Becky’s methods:
I dash in and then squat down to be eye level with the girls. Danielle starts in reiterating the problem, “She’s trying to snatch my marker!!”

I look at both girls and say, “Hold on, lets calm down, we can figure this out. Gabi let go of the marker, I’ll help you.” I help release her fingers.

Gabi: “Maaarrrker, I need it!”
Me: “Gabi, you wanted to color with Danielle so you tried to take the marker.”
Gabi looks at me and calms down a little. Danielle tenses up, expecting me to try to coerce her, I reassure her, “Don’t worry I’m trying to teach you guys.” “Gabi, if you want to color with Sister, please ask, don’t take, taking can hurt Danielle’s feelings. Try asking now. Say, ‘Danielle can I have your marker?’”
Gabi: “Danielle, have marker?”
Danielle: “No! I’m using it! I need it to finish my horse picture.”
Me: “Say that to Gabi.”

She does, somewhat gentler, and Gabi starts to get upset again.

Me: “Danielle, try offering Gabi one of the other markers.”
Danielle: “Gabi, here you can use a different color.” (She really did this!) “But don’t color on my picture!”
Me: “Danielle can you show Gabi where to get paper?”
Danielle: “Gabi come with me, the paper is over here.” Feeling magnanimous, she gets Gabi about 50 sheets.

Gabi sits down and starts coloring, Danielle says, “Wow, Gabi I like your coloring.”

Result: We all learned something, our relationship is stronger and we are happy.

Instead of jumping in and solving the problem using my position of power, I taught them how to work through the conflict. Will they do this perfectly next time? Nope. Will they do it perfectly the next 50 times? Nope. But I see Danielle (5 years old) getting it more and more and trying out parts of it. She's much more relaxed when I come in to help with a conflict because she trusts me to guide her instead of coercing her. She has yet to put it all together, but heck she’s only 5! I don’t do it perfectly every time either, actually I mess up all the time. But, when I do make mistakes I’m kind to myself and remind myself that I’ll have lots of opportunities to practice and I’ll get it eventually. I particularly feel good that they’ll have these skills their whole life! Who has better odds of becoming a better baseball player, one who starts playing at 5 or someone who put a glove on her hand for the first time at 35?

My littler one, Gabi benefits from having clear firm boundaries and a Mom who knows how to enforce them without being angry or spontaneously permissive because she doesn’t have the will to fight on that particular day. With these tools, I know how to set and enforce boundaries in a loving way that teaches responsibility, self control and conflict resolution.

The principles of this book can be difficult to absorb as you’re learning them, however Becky provides many common real world examples that applies the teachings. At the end of the book she even provides a week by week schedule for practicing each particular skill.

I’m not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be, nor do I aspire to be. But I’m doing everything I can to give my girls the best chance at a happy life. In turn, I’m giving myself a happy life with my husband and the two coolest little kids I’ve ever met.

3.5 stars

Some good suggestions that could help any family. I really appreciated the suggestions concerning how to interpret children’s behavior. Three recommendations that I have started using are to focus on the behavior you want, view each conflict as a learning opportunity, and make positive attributions for children’s behavior.

However, there was not nearly enough research cited. Also, there were many times that I found myself asking “yes but what if that doesn’t work and the kid keeps hitting/crying/etc?” She often just assumed her suggestions would solve the problematic behavior and moved on.

Overall, I am glad I read it.

This is my favorite of the “how-to-discipline” books I’ve read. I tried to read it too early but now that the girls are older it’s in much better context.

Great advice. This book has already made me a better parent and a better spouse. I will be referring back to it regularly for many years.

One of the top 15 books on raising children.

I LOVE BB's Conscious Discipline workbook and it literally changed my parenting life. This book is a little more difficult to take in, but it tells of the same principles as the CD workbook. Great stuff for teachers and parents.

Excellent. The best parenting book I've ever read, and that is saying something. Great, useful, gentle advice for grownups that really works and brings harmony to the home. I can't say enough good things about it. Life-changing.

I first learned of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D. from a friend who shares the same parenting ideals as I do. She talked about it sounding like a good book based on Ms. Bailey's website: http://www.beckybailey.com/ The website has many good ideas and basics to help a parent when disciplining. (And if going out and buying this book doesn't sound like something you want to do, running over to the tips section of the website should help you out and give you some idea if this is for you.) After she picked up the book and started reading it and proclaiming how wonderful it is, I decided to get a copy for myself. I have not been disappointed.

The chapters are entitled: 1. From Willful to Willing, 2. The Seven Powers for Self-Control, 3. The Seven Basic Discipline Skills, 4. Assertiveness: Saying No and Being Heard, 5. Choices: Building Self-Esteem and Willpower, 6. Encouragement: Honoring Your Children so They Can Honor You, 7. Positive Intent: Turning Resistance into Cooperation, 8. Empathy: Handling the Fussing and the Fits, 9. Consequences: Helping Children Learn from their Mistakes, 10. Why Children Do What They Do: The Development of Misbehavior, 11. Loving Guidance in Action: Solving the Top Discipline Problems, 12. The Loving Guidance Program: Change Your Life in Seven Weeks, Epilogue, The "What-ifs" Page, References, and Index.

The introduction spends its time exploring why this method of discipline is important and needed. Her writing is concise and easy to follow. Important points are highlighted out of the text by bold print and separation lines. She gives an overview of the entire book in a few short sub-sections. She says it concisely when she says, "Discipline is a lifelong journey, not a technique." With the suggestions in this book, your life will be changed by how you live it and teach it.

The basic premise of her second chapter is that you must first have self-control before you can discipline your child or teach your child discipline. Self-control is the heart of discipline. Some people learned self-control as a child, other learned to fake it, and still others never learned the concept. This book is for everyone, although the second and third groups will get more out of the second chapter. In case you are curious, the seven powers for self-control are the powers of 1. attention 2. love 3. acceptance 4. perception 5. intention 6 free will and 7. unity. Starting in this chapter and in each chapter, there are very short, easy exercises to work though.

The third chapter deals with the seven basic discipline skills, which are 1. composure 2. assertiveness 3. making choices 4. encouragement 5. attributing positive intent 6. empathy 7. consequences. Ms. Bailey states that all these skills can be used in fear-based discipline and most often are, but that they can easily be used in love-based discipline and will be much more effective.

Chapters four through nine delve into each skill further, describing what it truly means to use this skill in love, giving examples of how to use the skills and phrases that may help. Each chapter ends with "There's No Time Like the Present!" describing what you can do now to implement that skill.

Chapter 10 describes what sort of misbehavior you can expect at certain developmental stages. The idea is that children are testing certain things at these stages and so what they do when they misbehave is fairly predictable. For instance, a preschooler often tells parents things that sound like lies, that are often embellishments of wishful thinking. These help them develop and deal with the idea of power and control, a central issue at this time in their life and development.

The eleventh chapter deals with common discipline encounters and how to solve them using the seven basic skills in love. The final chapter has a seven week program for implementing these skills and changing your children's life and your own!

I must admit, I'm still somewhere in chapter 10. I've been reading the book for two months. I've been reading it at an unusually slow pace so that I can absorb everything and work on implementing those skills. But our lives have changed. I am looking forward to finishing the book and implementing the program to help me.

You can learn new skills as an adult, but it is easier as a child. I would rather my child learned to live out of love than fear with inner discipline. Everything we do teaches our child something. Is it what we want them to learn?

Love this book. Was exactly what I was looking for. I keep going back to it and it is not only helping me with my children but has helped me see the ways in which I think now may be attributed to the ways in which I was parented and how I can work towards correcting these thoughts habits and patterns to change the only person I can. Me!

I HIGHLY recommend this book. Probably the most helpful parenting book I have read. The author concentrates on how to maintain self-control (not lose it) and view conflicts as teaching opportunities. She gives many examples on how to follow the "loving guidance" techniques. I noticed an improvement within the first couple days of starting this book. I have much more confidence in how I handle situations, and I feel like I'm really doing the right thing at the end of each day. I've just started the last chapter which is a 7 week training program. I got this from the library but I will be purchasing it for our collection! Helpful even for people without kids.