You Shall Know Our Velocity

tLegitimately, probably the worst novel I've ever read. Neither interesting nor intellectually intriguing, it seems Eggers debut novel was meant to satisfy nothing more than his public posture.
tTake a deep breath all you uninteresting white males: your story is not unique, your suffering is not beautiful. You are a selfish asshole, just like everyone else, yet without fail an infinite number of these "cerebral" authors sublimate their own perceived struggles into meaningless, emotionless, and reprehensible characters, all of which are drawn with the heaviest of hands.
tThe actual plot to this novel was so profoundly stupid that I found myself laughing out loud. As if we are not privileged enough as Americans, we need to take our almighty dollar to far away lands and pour cash into the laps of those wretched souls, or bury it in their soil, or strap it to their livestock, all to give some "meaning" to our lives.
tThere must be a massive wheel that all author's consult (not unlike an oracle) when they attempt to write their next novel. At the wheel, the author spins for character, occupation, plot, and obscure friend with strange name. For instance: Will is a lightbulb silhouette who is paid for his work still feels guilty, and decides to fly to poor places and tape money to animals with his friend Hand.
tHow infuriating is it that in this multi-national piece, every poorly constructed character these two jackoffs encounter is somehow an adept English speaker? Or that all they want to discuss is the Chicago Bulls or American pop music? This novel is so incredibly selfish that it would have read no differently if the locations were set entirely on American soil.
tGenerally when I encounter something as poorly constructed as this novel, I let it speak for itself:
t
t"Hand, it's what we did to that cow."
t"Will. It's not the cow."
t"Hand, we burned that cow alive."
t"The cow was dying."
--
t-I know.
t-C'mon
t-Really.
t-Sure.
t-Good. Okay. Shit.
t-Okay--
t-Man this is like helium.

This novel is built on truly profound dialogue. Though I will admit, I got a great chuckle out of the father falling from the balcony and crushing the mother. Characters enter and exit the novel constantly, but one of the most poorly named character of all-time was the middle-school girl named Terri Glenn. Perhaps she outgrew this novel and started at wide receiver for the New England Patriots, I guess we'll never know. I'll close this review with a few of Eggers own words:
t"Every story, Hand, is sadder than ours."

***
tDespite reading two horrific fictive pieces, I may give Eggers another shot with regards to his non-fiction. Although, after digging briefly, I've found he was behind several lackluster screenplays: Away We Go and Where the Wild Things Are. So that's awful.

I loved the writing, I really did. Imaginative and colorful and funny. There was just too much of it.

I think the whole book could have been trimmed by 20 to 30 percent and been much more enjoyable. It’s divided into 3 parts, and in my edition they have ratios that are almost too mathematically precise to be a coincidence. The first 250 pages were Will’s first person account of his and his friend Hand’s frantic, limited-to-one-week, global travels trying to unload $32,000 in cash through various bizarre schemes. The reader is left mostly in the dark, except for some cryptic references, as to why, and particularly, why this method. These two are supposed to be in their late 20s, but behave like 8 year olds on a cupcake binge (OK, 8 year olds who go to nightclubs and hang out with hookers). The story was actually an intriguing and humorous concept, punctuated by Will’s angst, the origins of which remain (irritatingly) mysterious.

The middle section is Hand’s explication of Will’s story, and it’s exactly 50 pages, bringing in a lot of meta-fictional elements such as his talking about the story as if it were a history of a real trip, which Will (before his death) had fictionalized to some extent, which Hand does not understand or approve of, when their original intent had been to create a “Performance Literature” piece. [This reference to Will’s death is not a spoiler, as it is disclosed on the first page of the book.] Hand’s explanation of their purposes, to proactively set events in motion in order to record them, his speculations about the reasons for Will’s fabrications, and his reference to some parallel events between occurrences in Will’s narrative and his own “life” after the fact all get very post-modern and self-reflexive. Now I’m having fun! I also liked Hand’s comparing the book to a Sacrament (said to be the original title of the book).

But alas, then we go back to Will’s story, another 100 pages exactly (with new insights because of Hand’s interlude), and again it seems to drag and bog down for me although, with the new information, it is better than the first part.

In addition to some philosophizing about money, poverty, charity and the relationship of haves and have-nots within the context of the giving, this also may be an allegory about our rushing around madly in life trying to find a purpose and meaning and too often it’s all wrapped up with our concerns about money.

All in all, I have to give it a 3, maybe 3-1/2, mostly for the writing and creative treatment and humor. It did need a ruthless editor, though, and I think the book would have been much improved had a machete been taken to much of the first section. I may try another of Egger’s book, because I did enjoy his language skills. There is certainly some talent there. And I really liked a movie that he and his wife wrote a couple of years ago called “Away We Go.”

Hey main character, are you upset about something? Is nothing working out for you? AWWWWWW poor baby! Did you experience a personal loss that you found painful? Oh no! You must be the first person ever to feel pain! I feeeeeel sooooooo baaaaaaaaad for you! Are you going to tell us what happened? Oh, you'd rather give it to us bit by bit to keep up the suspense? Ok, that works (pbbbbttttt). Do you find things in normal everyday life hard to take, Holden Caulfield? Do you want to share with us experiences of things you find to be incredible and sad? I know an AA group that would love to have you!

I really dispised this book. And by despised, I mean that I was utterly dissapointed because the premise seemed to have so much potential and I had heard a lot of good things about Eggers. But instead I found the book to be cliched and totally inundated with bad sentimentality.

The cover of this book was really cool.

Before I get into the story of this book, and what I thought about it, I have to start with this. I LOVE the paper it's made of!! Really! It makes me want to write, in a typewriter, and live in some far off place, the color, the texture, wow, I tried to find out what they used but there is no information on the subject. I think I probably finished the book because of that wonderful paper it is made of. With paper like this, how can I even consider going on to electronic books?

Now, for the story. It got on my nerves! So much urgency! so many unplanned flights, oh, and the money, it's such an important element in the story, and that gets a little old. Give away money, travel to as many places as possible and just give it away. To people who "need it" argh! Money money, changing checks, exchanging currency. It seemed to me so, mister dollar visits poor countries and gives them a little of what they need, is that really, mister Eggers, all that people really need? And is that, in your opinion all that your story needs?

But I love that paper!!

Preface to the fourth edition:

I wrote this a few years ago, back when I had just finished reading the book, but before I had died. I still haven't died so that's beside the point. I'm procrastinating right now, and copying this from another site where this originally appeared.

Original Preface
There are three ways that I pick out books to read. One is through the convoluted and serpentine way that I choose most of my books. The second way is by catchy covers promising pop-culture hipness. This second of choosing books I have begun to wean myself off of since too many times I have been burned on the choices. One book in particular that I choose in this manner was Dave Eggers A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I’m one of the few people of my demographic that hated this book and felted cheated (or of the few I’ve run into (4th edition note, this is not so true anymore)). I thought the idea of Dave Eggers was great, I respected his journal McSweeny’s and sometimes thought his quasi-punk rock ethics were commendable. I just didn’t like the book though (I have to stop here about A.H.W.O.S.G., if I get started on this book I’ll just rant on and on—one note though from here on out I will refer to Egger’s first book simply as the first book. Following this brilliantly simple shorthand I will call his second book, You Shall Know Our Velocity!, the second book. I will do this for two reasons. One, because I am not the kind of writer in the Wallace, Moody and Eggers school who enjoys keeping track of long acronyms; but more importantly because I can never really keep straight the titles of Eggers books.).


A short aside in the form of a list of titles I have mistakenly (consciously and unconsciously) called both of his books while at work to co-workers and customers

A Staggering Work of Heartbreak, You Will Know our Velocity, You Will know us by the Trail of our Velocity, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Pretensions, That Something book about Genius and Death, The Book without the Cover…. (Authors note: this sounded like a much better idea at the time. Much like the time when I made up a write off, in order to try to get more hits. I then realized it was stupid and I changed the write off. Four days later I cancelled the write off. The moral of this story could be that I don’t like erasing things once they are written. A second moral could be that I really should edit my work better).

A second aside in the form of a continuation needed to wrap up the Introduction

The third manner I choose my books is with a masochistic zeal to read new books by authors who I disliked to the point to ranting continually about them for weeks in order to a) confirm my suspicions, or b) make me look like an open minded kind of person who can re-encounter a previously disliked author and find enjoyment in their work. Of course when I choose a book for this reason I’m really hoping for A. I don’t go in with an open mind, because I’m an opinionated jerk. I picked up Eggers second book for this third reason. I wanted it to get my goat, and allow me to say, “See I told you.”

Second Preface to the Review

I’m not the kind of author who would write a second, third or possibly even fourth preface to a review. I need to clear up some points made in the introduction.

1. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t need to give three ways I pick books. I know full well that I never actually explained the first manner of choice. But see I just pointed out the fault so don’t blame me for it. I know that I was wrong.

2. Everything coming before this note has been extraneous and probably best skimmed over. Since you couldn’t have known this till you got to this point in the review you could a) consider yourself noted; b) not blame me, I pointed out in an overtly self-reflexive manner my shortcoming, a la beating everyone to the criticism punch, c) inform your friends of the gratuitousness of the review and tell them to skip through the beginning.

3. I must point out once again that I am not the kind of writer who would ramble on and on in this manner.

4. I’ll be the first to admit that really only 26% of this review is worth reading. The rest of the review is best skipped over. Again, I warned you so it’s all out of my hands.

An Addition to Third Edition of this Review

Surprisingly it has come to my attention that I have been paid for this review. Of course, that means I need to make a full disclosure of the monies received and the manner in which I will / have spend / spent them.

Amount Paid to Date: $0.02

Amount of Time (Roughly) Spent Reading the book to base a review on it: 7 hours.

Amount of Time Spent Writing the Review, including revisions: 3 Hours.

Amount Paid per Hour for Review: $0.002

Amount Spent of Royalties: None, I will not receive any money for the review for quite a long time (I never received the money, they took it away from me because I stopped putting up reviews for too long 4th edition note)


I feel more than a little guilty at the staggering two tenths of a penny per hour (or 2 thousandths of a dollar) I received for this. When the money comes to me I will be sure to split it up among worthy causes and make a full disclosure of how the money was spent. I imagine it will be used as two percent of the cost of a large cup of coffee at the deli around the corner from where I work.

Graphical illustration of profit.

Time Spent for review.

**********

Money Received

(can't make something that small here)

Cost of Cup of Coffee

********* ****************** ************ ******************* ************ ******************** *********

Royalties Spent towards this Staggeringly expensive Purchase of Heartbreaking proportions.

**

The Review

What is the Book About

Well I can’t tell you. Sorry. (I cut a bunch of words here because I was over in the character count. I rant about people giving away the plot of books, but will keep a movie plot a big secret.) Well according to the back it’s about giving away $32,000 in a week, but why? I’m not telling. The novels about two guys, the narrator Will, who is telling the story after Jack died but a couple of years before him and his mother drown in Columbia (That’s the first page of the novel paraphrased, or the cover if you get the hardcover version). The second guy’s name is Hand; he’s the zany friend you wish you had growing up. You know the one who will do anything, has the wacky ideas, and gets annoying but always a party to be around. The two decide to travel around the world in one week and give away $32,000 dollars along the way. The catch? The people need to be deserving of the money, the countries need to be off the beaten path and not require visas to enter.

Along the way in the travels of Will and Hand, Eggers throws some literary tricks into the mix that call into question all kinds of assumptions about the basic structure of the novel. I can’t say anymore about this though. I’d feel as if I was cheating anyone who read the book after reading this of the fun.

About the Novel

The writing in the novel is more straightforward than in the first book. Much of the book is quite funny in a dry sardonic sort of way. It’s difficult after reading Eggers first book to believe that this novel isn’t also autobiographical in nature. The depressing qualities of H.W.O.S.G. come back through. Taking into account Egger’s life (his parents plus his sister have passed away) it is understandable that the topic of dealing with grief should be a dominant theme in his work. He offsets the grief though with humor that most of times works (sometimes the humor is too smart for it’s own good).

There are a lot more things I want to talk about, but if I did the novel would be ruined. Eggers does some interesting things with the form of the novel, but they are just too good to reveal in a review to possible readers.

Conclusion

If you liked Eggers first book I think you will like this. If you hated his first book I think you will still like, I did. Eggers is probably best appreciated by twenty and thirty something year olds, but I can see their being an appeal of this book to most readers of literary works.

Afterword

The author wishes to express the realization that this review is shoddy. As of this line only 29% of the review is dedicated to the actual book. The remaining 71% (now 72%) of the review has been a juvenile attempt at mocking Eggers writing style, especially the manner he handles the infinite introductions of H.W.O.S.G. The author acknowledges he is not half (or now 27%) the writer of Dave Eggers. The author of the review wonders why you have read this, wants to know why you care what he thinks and is considering swearing at you in an ironic manner, but then he realized he would be again just imitating Eggers, instead I’m going out and running down the beach and watch a Frisbee hang overhead, in that sublime manner that makes you realize the transcendence of life; and then maybe I’ll jump in a pool….. you know for the whole re-birth and baptism analogy.

I'm a little torn here, because I feel like I was supposed to like this book, so part of me wants to pretend that I didn't like it. It just seems so blatantly directed at exactly who I am, a late 20's person confused about what direction to take in life. It's like a movie where you know they are trying to make you cry, and you do cry, and then feel bad about it because you know that they played you like a fiddle.
But as much as I'd like to resist it, I am a fiddle and this book played me. I identified very strongly with these characters, and this blind desire to keep moving, and have only important, true, enlightening experiences. This idea that every moment that you arent experiencing something new you are wasting your life....I know that isn't true, but I feel it too sometimes. And this book is a perfect summary and explanation of that feeling.
Plus it really goes to the core of how it feels to be a relatively priviledged person today, who knows that he should be trying to help less fortunate people, but has absolutely no idea how to really go about doing that. The idea of randomly handing money to people has a certain romantic charm, and Mr. Eggers walks a nice line between acknowledging that yes, it can be romantic and charming, and it can also be incredibly awkward and wrong.
A great book. Great.

حالا می بینید چه سرعتی داریم نوشته دیوید اگرز نویسنده آمریکایی ، همان برداشت کلاسیک از زندگی جوانان به سبک آمریکایی را نشان می دهد ، جوانانی که با زندگی کردن در لحظه و لذت بردن از آن گرچه بسیار هم سریع بوده باشد ، تلاش دارند که کودکی خود را که شاید سخت بوده فراموش کنند .
قهرمانان کتاب او ، نوعی سخاوت عجیب و نامتعارف ، یعنی پخش پول ، دلار با ارزش آمریکایی در کشورهای فقیری مانند سنگال ، مراکش و یا مکزیک هم داشته اند که داستان اگرز را شعاری تر و کلیشه ای تر کرده . این رویکرد، مشکلات پیچیده کشورهای در حال توسعه را به ساده‌ترین شکل ممکن، یعنی کمبود پول، تقلیل می‌دهد. پخش پول، به عنوان راه‌حلی ساده و سریع برای تمام مشکلات این کشورها ارائه می‌شود که این امر، بسیار کلیشه‌ای و ساده‌انگارانه است ، گرچه که چهره ای خوب و ساده دل از آمریکاییان نشان می دهد .
تنها دلیلم برای خرید این کتاب، قیمت پایین آن بود که البته با چاپ جدید و قیمت نجومی‌اش، آن هم دیگر قابل توجیه نیست.

I'm a very patient person, and people say I have some sense of humor, so I've resisted more than sixty pages, before quitting a much overrated book.
Nothing important(excepting planning a trip and going to Senegal) not to say memorable, happens, if there are any traces of humour I'm not able to detect it, so good bye and good riddance. One more author I shall gladly avoid from now on...