One of the best parenting books I've read. I was disenchanted by the redundancy in the beginning, but after a couple of chapters it was a wealth of information about boys. Pollack attempts to break down stereotypes surrounding why boys are so "closed off" with emotions, how they get that way, how society perpetrates the problem, and what we can do as parents to counteract it. He tackles important subjects such as the "mask" of masculinity, shame and the trauma of separation from the mother, how boys relate, empathy, sexualty and being gay, friendships, sports & play, school environments, depression & suicide, violence & divorce. Many of the puzzle pieces I've held fell into place and I feel like a stronger parent because of it. Highly recommend!

There were a few interesting insights and aha moments in reading this book on the behavior of boys and the world's reaction to that behavior, from parents, to educators, to the media. The book could have used a good round of editing as I feel the author could have made his point in about half the number of pages. In particular, the recitation of the same stories several different times was bothersome. Overall though, this is worth a read.

This book does an excellent job of describing the way we socialize boys in America. It has made me more thoughtful about how I interact with boys (and their families). Watching the problems we have with "incels" and MRA culture today, it seems easy to trace that to the way that boys are taught to express only happiness or anger, to stifle nurturing impulses, to avoid weakness and 'femininity' at all costs ....

I've only read the first 100 pages of this book, but I'm throwing in the towel. It's too repetitive, and it feels like it was written for people who are more sexist and old-fashioned than anyone I know, so I'm not sure how to apply it. Pollack has some important points, but his delivery doesn't spark clarity.

The few useful notes I will take with me:

"Boys relate more shoulder to shoulder than face to face." Pollack claims that boy culture is more about doing things together than focusing on each other, and often you'll get more heart-to-heart out of a boy while you're doing something else than if you ask him directly. It's an overgeneralization just like all gender distinctions are, but it does provide a new way of thinking about how different people might need different forms of togetherness to connect - and it does ring true to me when thinking about differences in how I've seen boys and girls socialize.

We're very used to thinking of women being shamed into acting a certain way (slutshaming, fatshaming, silencing women for being too 'bossy', etc.). But Pollack tells of shame being very prevalent in boys' lives as well. He details how boys are often constantly and meticulously policing themselves and each other to never appear 'gay' or 'girly'. It gave me a sense of how that can be a constant subconscious factor in a man's life, much like trying not to be 'fat' can be in a woman's.

Pollack also makes an interesting point about fragility and hardening being two sides of the same coin, or maybe rather the inside and the outside of the same armor. For many boys, the more they toughen themselves up because others tell them it's the manly thing to do, the less sturdy their inner self becomes (because it's not being nurtured with compassion and care) - and the more they have to distance themselves from the pain of their own vulnerability. It becomes a vicious circle of more and more fragility on the inside being countered with more and more hardening on the outside.

There's so much to this book about dispelling the boy myths. Great information...if only I could get through it.

For so long, Doctors have examined the interworkings and complexitites of women in an attempt to describe their behaviors within society. While such documentation has proven to be indightful, "Real Boys" takes a rare (and rather in-depth) inventory into the innate social, phisiological and behavioral dispositions of young men. Very interesting and entirely relevant.

I ended up giving up on this book, mostly because of time issues and it was due back at the library. I may check it out again sometime. It had some good ideas in it and a lot of things I kind of already knew or do anyway. I described it already a little in the comment section. I guess what I took from it was just to be more aware in general of my boys' emotional needs, to try to talk to them more about feelings. One thing mentioned was how even from babyhood when boys are sad or upset we try to smile or distract them or cheer them up. Apparently it's better to mirror their feelings back a little bit and talk about how they're feeling. Are they sad? frustrated? tired? lonely? etc. Otherwise we're not really teaching them how to deal with their feelings, but just to push them away. We don't do this as much with girls. I have been much more aware of that with Noah and when he is sad or grouchy I try to talk to him about what he is feeling and why and I try to be more sympathetic. Anyway, that's what stuck out from what I read and I'm sure there is a lot more worth reading, which I may get back to doing sometime in the future.

This was an incredibly thoughtful baby gift, and it's totally fascinating. Basically the thesis is, boys can never be too bonded with both parents, especially mother, contrary to society's stereotypes which promote independence at such an early age as 5 or 6 years old for boys. Also explores how we unknowingly "harden" our little boys to become "little men" leading to all kinds of problems later on. Explores the two (and, with divorce or loss of a parent, sometimes three) traumas of boyhood that many boys do not recover from in various ways. The author is a Harvard clinical psychologist, so it's basically a layperson's guide to a study he completed on boys' development throughout their lives, so all of what he's saying is corroborated through stories from his research.

As the father of two young sons, I was told that I should read this. I think the most memorable thing I take away from it is how times have changed in the 14 years since its initial publication. It assumes that the first day in kindergarten marks the initial separation from a mother and her son and is a traumatic event, whereas preschool is now so ubiquitous as to make this concern either obsolete, or at the least folded into much earlier trauma. It regards stay at home dads as a rare (albeit welcome) oddity. And it spends a lot of its energy trying to convince its readers that boys have feelings, too. Were things really this backward in the late 1990's? If so, I guess I gotta thank Pollack and Co for changing things. When Pollack dives into the weeds of educational policy or our attitudes towards sports, he remains compelling. His indictment of our female-centric grammar schools is pretty damning. But much of this now reads as platitude, a missive from an olden time.

A solid book on psych and boys. I think a lot of the information has filtered into the culture in the 16 years since the book was written, but as a mom of boys, I still found it to be a valuable resource in terms of practical suggestions for good relationship building and a wider view on our culture's underlying messages to boys. I will certainly skim again when my boys are a bit older and larger portions of the book are directly relevant.

Parts I liked:

P. 39 ~ "I feel as though my only anchor in life is gone" (man describing the loss of his mother).

P. 83 ~ "I don't think I'd be much without her" (Boy talking about his mother).

P. 102 ~ "timed silence syndrome" ~ "A boys first reaction is to retreat and be alone to nurse his hurt".

P. 108-109 ~ "Teach your son about masculinity by talking about the men you love and why you love them" ... "discussing the qualities you admire in these men" ...

"(Don't say) what you don't like about the men around you".

P. 110-111 ~ "he may simply ask you "what time are we having dinner? " ... let him know. .. you'd be happy to spend time with him"

P. 114-115 ~ "(fathers) help the infants to learn how to tolerate a wide range of people and social situations" ...

"when fathers take the time... at adolescence these children often need less guidance from adults when handling difficult feelings and are more capable of handling emotionally intense situations" ... "a boy learns to 'listen' to his own inner emotional states".

P. 130 ~ "men with MBAs who work just two fewer hours per week to help share in child rearing duties get raises that are 20% lower than men who sacrifice their sons for work".

"Fathers who did not have custody of their children a majority began to lose touch with their sons within 3 years after moving out of the home, sometimes abandoning them completely"

P. 132-133 ~ "primary caregiver dads used play as a way to teach valuable moral lessons, ideas about respect, & rules about handling emotion and dealing with loss"

~ "mom says 'how do you think that makes me feel?' " ... "think about how he would affect her world if he continued to misbehave"

~ "(father focused on) here and now consequences of the boys behavior would be for others" ... "dad tells me to stop bc it looks like I don't love my brother or care about my mother's feelings".

"Boys and girls talk about stuff in different ways"

"Boys with fathers as the primary parents... more calm, flexible, & empathetic "

☆ "being a... (father) has helped me get away from self-centeredness. My sense of identity feels complete now".

"I feel like something empty inside has now been filled with my son" (father talking about being a parent)

P.136 ~ "Maybe that's why I take so many photos, bc I don't even have any pictures of him with the family".

"ANNUAL FATHER SON FATHER'S DAY MARCH IN ROXBURY, MASSACHUSETTS"

☆ "I want to assume my duties as a father but cannot be with my son. I think I should help other people's kids as much as I can bc somebody may be helping mine". (Divorced african American man who became estranged from wife and lost contact with his son ~ why he takes part in the march )

P.137 ☆~ "Take time at least once each day to spend a few moments with your son to let him know you love him and that you care about him. If you can't do it in person, do it by phone".

P. 138 ~ "if (he'd only) say he's sorry and tell me he loves me. I could forgive him for everything".

☆"If you are temporarily separated from your son, try as best you can to negotiate a new relationship with him and to work as hard as possible to maintain it".

P.139-140 ~ "important for a father to encourage his sons to stay close to their mother" ... "respects the love the mother gives"... "does not shame his boy for taking in that love" ... "helps teach his son the general importance of male respect for girls and women".

"Value your sons for who they are rather than for what they do".

P. 141-144~ "do something-just about anything positive- with your son" ... "it's not so much about the activity that counts as your being by your son's side".

"4 basic categories of fathers were identified: caretakers, playmate-teachers, disciplinarians, & disengaged fathers. ... only the caretaker and playmate-teacher dads had a positive effect on their sons".

"Teach lessons by showing them rather than by just telling them".

"Share the full range of your own feelings and experiences with your boy".

"No other Odysseus than I will ever come back to you. But here I am, & I am as you see me, & after much hardships and suffering have I come".

P. 153 ~ "egalitarian, gentile, sensitive man who waits" ... "didn't know how he truly felt"

P. 195 ~ "why is action empathy any less deep and meaningful than the verbally intimate moments shared among girls and young women? "

P. 197 ~ "boys with healthy friendships are actually less likely to engage in risky behaviors and more likely to do well in school".

P. 198 ~ "boys and men have had to learn to walk a fine line: to have intimacy without sentimentality, closeness without long conversations, empathy without words"

P. 236 ~ "boys have a significant problem with their self esteem as students"

"When girls don't feel confident about themselves at school, their unique voices become suppressed and they begin to suffer emotionally and academically".

"Boys ... have a tendency to answer such questions in the way they think they are 'supposed to'".

P. 237 ~ "tendency of boys to brag and overstate their strengths"

"All students... measure of self esteem lowers as kids move into mid adolescence, from 6th to 8th grade".

"African American males had 'generally lower' scores in self esteem than african American females... more an issue of gender than it is of race"

"Boys... are simply using bragging as 'a shield to hide a del swayed lack of confidence'."

As this was written in 1999, it really needs some updating giving the social and politcal changes and things that boys are dealing with these days that didn't seem to be as pressing or in existence (role of social media, gun violence in school, differnt kinds of families, etc. But overall, everything in here is still quite relevant and those who work with boys, has a boy, has been a boy, has loved a boy, - really everyone - should read this book. It is a great reminder that our boys need love and attention and that they are a bit lost in the fray.