Meh. Gave up on it. It's worth a look for the parenting gems (be emotive with boys, connect through shared experience)but I couldn't stomach 400 pages of it. Where was the editor? I might come back to it later but it wasn't engaging enough for right now.

Another mind-blowing parenting book, that I hope to read a second time! A must for all parents of boys, and all teachers. Such a succinctly written, in-depth analysis and exlanation of how our culture creates dysfunction in our boys, and exactly how we can counteract it.

After reading this book, I really understand the male experience like I never could have before. If as a woman, you've ever been frustrated by a male in your life, read this book and you will no longer feel frustrated, but empathy.

All the stereotypes we have of males? Well, males didn't generate those stereotypes by their nature, instead our culture forces males to take on those stereotypes. The "Boy Code" is the set of rules and expectations that come from outdated and highly dysfunctional gender stereotypes. These stereotypes are so prevalent and strong, yet so subtle, that most of what we believe about boys is complete myth. The "Boy Code" and these myths about boyhood/manhood force boys to wear a proverbial mask, to hide their true selves, in order to avoid the humilation, shame, teasing and bullying they'd recieve from even the good-intentioned people in their lives. This gender straightjacketing starts at birth, so by the time boys are 5 or 6 they already feel emotionally abandoned, without knowing that's what they feel. Boys learn to wear this mask so skillfully that they lose touch with their true self, their emotions, and as they get older may become unable to take the mask off and have any awareness even of their own emotions. And schools, even progressive schools, are set up in ways that reinforce the "Boy Code" and typically provide optimal learning environments for girls, not boys.

We, as a culture, treat males and expect them to behave in such a way that effectively puts a straightjacket on their lives, particularly emotional lives. And as if that weren't enough to cope with, our culture has conflicting expectations for men: be tough, stoic, never cry or show weakeness; yet as a romantic partner you must do the very opposite.

There is an early and harsh pressure to disconnect boys from their familes that occurs when boys are toddlers and again at adolescence. And there shame is used in the toughening-up process by which it's assumed boys must be raised. Little boys are expected to seperate from their mother by five or six. When a young boy smacks a friend, we might just throw up our hands and say "boys will be boys." Yet on the other hand, when an elementary school boy kisses a girl he likes, he may be accused of sexual harrassment. Boys and men are forced to walk an impossible tightrope.

While we have progressively loosened the gender straightjacket on girls, we have not done so for boys.

Ever wonder why there are all these kids "snapping" these days and gunning down their schoolmates? Or kids killing themselves for no apparent reason, when they had told everyone that "everything is fine"? Or why adolescent males often engage in shockingly risky behavior? This book will make it crystal clear why.

Ever wonder why the vast majority of violence is perpetrated by males? Not because males are naturally violent, but because the gender straightjacketing that is forced upon them leads to such dysfunction. Testosterone = aggression? MYTH. Boys will be boys? MYTH that serves as an excuse to shrug off a boy's behavior when it crosses the line from active to aggressive.

The "Boy Code" prevents us from truely connecting with our boys. But it doesn't have to be this way.

I read this book right before reading "Raising Cain" so I must make a comparison here. As far as I can tell, this book was written first, and Raising Cain seems to be a rip-off, even shockingly copying some of the language and phrases from this book, word for word. If you are going to pick a book to read about raising boys, this one blows "Raising Cain" out of the water. Raising Cain does not have nearly as cohesive a message nor analysis, and a not nearly as succint and lucid writing style. I almost put it down a quarter way into it. I kept reading however, and luckily have found it does go into some insightful topics not addressed in this book.

Dated. Didn't finish.
I don't know why I picked this up. It's def my genre, but someone must have recommended it. It felt like it was addressing a different era and a different culture.

The author repeatedly visits the topics of separation between mother and son -- that mere 5yos are dropped at kindergarten crying and their mothers removed! And that teenage boys can't embrace or show affection to their mothers! -- I really couldn't identify with any of it.

Obviously, as a woman, I don't know anything about the Boy Code he keeps referring to (although presumably I'm enforcing it).

On the whole, it seemed too much trouble to plow through this enormous book to extract the conclusion that we should teach boys to express their feelings. But I'm pretty sure that's his thesis.

an engaging and informative book for anyone who spends time with or cares about boys of any age. very enlightening and helpful to read for teachers (or at least for me).

I really liked what he had to say about adolescent boys emotions and ways to reach out to them, for both parents and teachers. I think every parent of a son should read this. However, the book was longer than it needed to be, and he overstated his point and stories way too much. Maybe there's an abridged version?

Interesting. I am now the "Bonus Mom" of two "boys." I appreciated the author's insights to the situation our boys and young men face dealing with society pressure to be sensitive and tough simultaneously. Glad I read it.

I admittedly skimmed through some of the author's repetitive and somewhat dated pages: boys have feelings, don't shame( don't cry, don't be a girl, don't be a sissie etc.), the effects of public education on boys and the self learned boy code. My favorite "take a way" is that boys often show love through action. Also, many reminders through stories and examples to follow my mother's intuition (if I feel something is wrong, even if my son says he's fine, go with my gut) and to stay connected, knowing my son will pull away when he is ready. I think we've come a long way with the way we view boys, since the 90's. ;)

The only book about male childhood psychology I met. And it's done on the top level of investigations.
Must-read for every parent of the boy.

This is a sort of psychology textbook, along the lines of Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, except for boys. There are sixteen chapters including the epilogue. The book discusses gender-straightjacketing, shaming a boy into wearing a hardened mask so that we don't know a real boy and what he is truly thinking. It discusses the various things boys need to develop emotionally in a proper way. It discusses how society often confuses boys, telling them to be sensitive and open up, yet at the same time remain strong and manly. The chapters go over several events that can cause a boy to be shamed into a hardened mask and hiding his true self: trauma of separation; action love; the power of mothers; fathers and sons; sexuality; friendships; school and sports; and so on. Despite often reading too much like a textbook at times -it can make a book boring- it gives good insights into how to treat boys and men.

To be fair, I skimmed the entire book. I was hoping for new insights, but this book wasn't as richly developed as it could have been. If you're spending time getting to know your son every day, and making sure he knows that he can come to you for anything, then you've got most of this book covered.

As a mother of two sons, I found this book to be a helpful resource in navigating the way our society impacts boys. Though it is, as you'll see mentioned in many other reviews, dated and sometimes repetitive, it is still relevant and I believe useful in guiding parents in raising emotionally competent boys.

This book is 24 years old, so it’s definitely outdated in some of its ideas. Like boys being over diagnosed with ADD, which we now know girls were severely under diagnosed and are being diagnosed later in life. I think overall there were helpful tips peppered throughout the book, but they were few and far between. Maybe things were different in 1998, but this just doesn’t seem to resonate as much in 2022.