The Time Machine Did It

Hilarious, unflaggingly hilarious from word one to the very last speck of ink! In no way is it a cerebral comedy, but it is a riot nevertheless. Swartzwelder is responsible for much of the off-beat humor featured in The Simpsons (he had a particular predilection for causing still, inanimate objects to inexplicably burst into flames), and any sentence from this book will make that obvious. He almost writes in the style of the godfathers of noir -- almost.

Ack. Excerpts should suffice.

"A sign out front of the hotel said 'Rooms With Heat: $2 A Night. Rooms Without Heat: $1. Rooms Without Anything: Ten Cents A Night.' Another sign said, 'We Don't Examine Money Very Closely.' This was the hotel for me."

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"The next day, a dead turtle was left on my doorstep as a warning. I couldn't figure out as a warning for what, and I guess whoever was watching me picked up on that, because the next morning there was another dead turtle, but this one had several sheets of paper glued to its back leg. The pieces of paper contained a long footnoted explanation of all the symbolism involved. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. The turtle was the 'turtle of inquisitiveness' and the cheese smeared on its shell meant something, and the little cowboy boots on its feet meant something. Everything about this animal meant something apparently to whoever sent it. I still didn't get what it was all about. The next morning there was no turtle. Somebody just shot at me from the bushes."

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"I told him yes, I did have an office, but we couldn't use it right now. He asked me why not and we stared at each other until both of us started to go to sleep."

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"I dropped the pigeon I had been spit-shining, rushed over to the elevator, and stepped inside. The briefcase was there!"

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"Their buildings were dangerous, stupid, and surprisingly inexpensive to construct for something so stupid. Among their most infamous creations were the futuristic looking, but doomed to collapse Skyscraper of Cards, which was made entirely of giant slabs of playing card material which were just kind of leaning against each other hopefully, and the Balloon Building, which was made of 100% balloon alloy. Their claim that balloon material was 50% stronger than tempered steel, which explained why they had to charge 80% more, was 0% true. In the three months following its dedication, the building kept slowly getting smaller and losing its shape, until finally somebody stepped on it."

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"It was pretty late when I woke up. I felt the money in my pocket, pulled it out, counted it, and grunted with satisfaction. I had taken bigger beatings for less money, so I didn't really feel like I could complain. Besides, there wasn't anybody around to complain to. I had been out for quite awhile apparently. There were some soft drink containers on me that had been tossed there by passing motorists. I've been told by people that I'm shaped kind of like a garbage can, but I don't know if that's the truth, or just some kind of an insult. Anyway, it would explain all the soft drink containers. Also, I noticed there was a rabbit hiding under me."

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"I looked around my office with quiet satisfaction. The place looked pretty nice. I had pictures on the walls of me posing with clues, getting yelled at by the mayor, and so on. There was a calendar on one wall that was running a couple of years slow, but it looked okay and had the months right, so I left it up. On another wall was a sign that said 'DO IT TOMORROW'. I got it cheap because it's bad advice."

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"He dug into his smelly pocket and pulled out his squalid checkbook. He tore off a check that had flies buzzing around it and handed it to me."

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"His tone changed immediately. 'You can't quit. I need you. No one else will help me because I have no money to offer them and my story is so preposterous. You're my only chance. I need help. My family needs help.'
"He jerked a thumb back over his shoulder. I saw a group of snooty looking tramps eyeing me coldly.
" 'My daughter used to be the #6 ranked debutant in the city,' he said. 'She was fondled by Presidents. Now she counts herself lucky when she gets slobbered on by a garbage man. If you won't continue on this case for my sake, do it for hers.'
"I looked over at his daughter. She gave me the finger. I didn't really feel like doing anything for this family."

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"They waited for a few minutes for me to come up with a wisecrack, while I just stood there thinking and staring and sweating, then they left. I would have thought of one."

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"He let go of my face, pocketed a couple of items that caught his fancy and left. This was two friendly warnings I had received in one 24 hour time period. A personal best. But friendly warnings aren't always as friendly as they sound. That night I wrote the word 'yikes' in my diary."

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"She folded me in her arms and said she couldn't live without me, which was confusing because she'd been living without me for about thirty six years, by my estimate, judging by her teeth. (I forced open her jaws while she was putting on some music.)"

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"Then I saw a geeky old guy with glasses, wearing a smock that had 'Professor Groggins' embroidered over the pocket. I was getting sick of everybody I met being named Professor Groggins, but something told me this was the real Professor Groggins. And that something was him."

I get it, but it frustrated me. Burly started out funny, but ended up so very, very annoying. Yes I'm aware Swartzwelder wrote some Simpsons episodes, but I wasn't expecting a copy and paste of Homer's character and to be honest, if I had known going in that it was all Burly would be, I wouldn't have been interested in a time travel detective story told from the perspective of Homer Simpson.
Understandable, achieved what it set out to do, but far too irritating. The humour is excellent absurdity, but Burly being quite so mind numbingly stupid ruins the impact of the absurdity for me.

This book is ridiculous.


There is nothing else really to say. It had me rolling with laughter.

Schwartzwelder is God.

John Swartzwelder's truly unique sense of humor is the gem which shines through this somewhat rough novella. The jokes are all wholly original, as is the plot, which riffs on everyone's favorite hard-boiled detective fiction. Yet, a sense of vague familiarity precipitates the book. Perhaps its because Swartzwelder 55 Simpsons episodes, and was one of the most prominent figures in its writing room for the best seasons. Think of any off-kilter reference to late 19th century culture or strange multiple-entendres from The Simpsons: they're probably Swartzwelder's.

Swartzwelder, however, is a relatively obscure figure, much of his own design. Refusing interviews and public appearances, he's most frequently seen popping up in the background of Simpsons episodes--a joke by the other writers animators, who rarely saw him after Fox banned smoking from its offices and he refused to come to writers' meetings. (He preferred working from a booth from a diner, installed in this home).

As far as The Time Machine Did It goes, a sense of his tortured genius prevails in its pitiful protagonist, Frank Burly, whos the butt of many jokes and on the receiving end of more merciless beatings than Rocky Balboa or Wiley Coyote ever had to sit back and take.

Bottom line:
Loved it, everyone who appreciates modern, plot driven and often absurdist humor should read this.

In what could have been a week, a month, or even a year ago, I watched a video essay about “Homer’s Enemy”, an episode of The Simpsons that has forever stuck in my head. In this episode, effectively a normal person begins working at the power plant and grows increasingly angry and volatile working opposite Homer, the good-natured oaf at the center of the show. I haven’t engaged with The Simpsons enough to be able to call it my favorite episode, but I certainly enjoyed revisiting it...and then following it down the rabbit hole by watching videos and reading stories about its writer, John Swartzwelder, a supposed reclusive, idiosyncratic comedy genius so good at his work that he was allowed to write scripts from home.

Swartzwelder recently did the unthinkable—an interview—and mentioned his present writing, which turned me onto The Time Machine Did It, a short novel starring the bumbling detective Frank Burly. Chock full of jokes and humor—most often at Burly’s expense—the story feels always secondary to the gags it sets up. Reading the narration by Burly like a dim-witted noir private investigator often left me chuckling and able to overlook the awkwardness of some of the plot devices like the literal time machine Burly acquires and then occasionally stashed with a helpful stray dog in 1941 for safe keeping.

While far shorter and much less intricately constructed than, say, a Jasper Fforde novel, I found superficial similarities as I read which helped me move forward. Reading slowly in hopes of extracting maximum humor probably wasn’t the ideal way to consume this farce but it left me appreciating Swartzwelder’s cleverness and enjoying a protagonist who is in over his head from chapter one, fully cognizant of his shortcomings, but willing to barrel right into a mystery regardless.

Short and dumb but funny, at least.

Funny quick read

Just imagine if the Marx Brothers wrote a detective novel. And it sorta had an Airplane! feel to it too. That's pretty much this. Quite enjoyable, goes quick.

A light funny book, with several jokes per page. Written (as the cover says) by a writer of many episodes of the Simpsons, if you're wondering what sort of humor it is.

This isn't about plot or character development, but has some fun throw-backs to The Maltese Falcon, which I read a year ago. A quick read, but a fun one.