Celebrity Death Match Special: Endgame versus Secrets of Pawnless Endings
[The stage is almost bare, with only an armchair, a table, and two garbage cans. The armchair is covered in a heavy drape. CLOV enters from the right, carrying a bag, and limps slowly towards the table. As he reaches it, he pulls out a chessboard and set. He carefully places the board on the table and painstakingly arranges a few pieces on it, examining the position from different angles and adjusting the pieces accordingly. Finally, he moves to the armchair and removes the drape, revealing HAMM, an elderly man wearing dark glasses.]
HAMM: Well?
CLOV: I've set them up. We can continue. Rook and bishop against rook.
HAMM: What do you mean?
CLOV: It's an endgame, right?
HAMM: You idiot! You don't understand anything, do you?
CLOV: [Defensively] I understand as much as you do. Samuel Beckett was a keen chessplayer. I can well believe he had this one in mind.
HAMM: Moron! This is a universal metaphor for the human condition, not some piece of games trivia!
CLOV: Look. The position is theoretically drawn in almost all practical cases, but White can torture Black for 50 moves...
NAGG: [Poking his head out of the garbage can] 75 moves!
NELL: [Muffled voice from the other garbage can] No, FIDE changed it back to 50 moves in 1992!
CLOV: [Ignoring them]... though as long as Black knows one of the standard defensive setups, he has nothing to fear. Personally, I favor Cochrane's method. Though the second rank defense also has many supporters.
NAGG: If Black dies before reaching the fiftieth move, he forfeits.
NELL: Yes, death ends the game. It's important in correspondence matches.
HAMM: But what has this got to do with Beckett?
CLOV: [Shrugging his shoulders] I admit it: nothing.
NAGG: Nothing!
NELL: [With a hysterical little laugh] Nothing! Nothing!!
CLOV: So shall we play? It'll pass the time.
HAMM: Why not?
[The curtain falls, leaving the stage in darkness. The absurdity of existence lingers in the air, as no winner is announced. The characters are left in a state of limbo, much like the chess pieces on the board, waiting for something that may never come. Their banter about the endgame seems to mirror the futility and meaninglessness of life itself. The stage remains empty, a silent witness to this strange and thought-provoking encounter.]
No winner announced due to absurdity of existence