She returned to her apartment and took the birds from their cages, setting them out the windows to either freeze or fly, even the parrot that said, 'I love you.' Maybe she thought this could solve the mystery of love. Good luck and let me know. You have to be clever to know how to be both welcoming and defensive, when to love and when to quit. If you don't know, you can end up out of control or controlled by something outside. 'You are there, it says, because I am looking at you.'
This idea of rest is attractive to her, but I don't think she would like it. Women are like that, waiting for ease and a space filled only with the drift of their own thoughts. But they wouldn't like it. They are busy and think of ways to be busier because such a space with nothing to do would knock them down.
The things that help you sleep through it all. Back-breaking labor might work; or liquor. Surely a body-friendly presence next to you. Someone whose touch is reassuring, not an affront or a nuisance. The stomach jump of possible love is nothing compared to the ice floes blocking her veins now.
And she had never named him. She called him'my parrot' all these years. 'My parrot.' 'Love you.' 'Love you.' Did the dogs get him? Or did a night-walking man snatch him up? Or did he get the message and fly away? Standing in the cane, he was trying to catch a girl he hadn't seen yet, but his heart knew all about, and me, holding on to him but wishing he was the golden boy I never saw either. Which means from the very beginning I was a substitute and so was he.
Is this where you got to and couldn't do it anymore? The place of shade without trees where you know you are not and never will be loved by anyone who can choose to do it? 'You want a real thing?' asked Alive. 'I'll tell you a real one. You got anything left to you to love, anything at all, do it.' Violet learned then what she had forgotten until this moment: that laughter is serious. More complicated and serious than tears.
'I sell trust; I make things easy. That's the best way. Never push. Like at the Windemere when I wait tables. I'm there but only if you want me.' I couldn't talk to anybody but Dorcas and I told her things I hadn't told myself. With her I was fresh, new again. I chose you. Nobody gave you to me. Nobody said that's the one for you. I picked you out. Wrong time, yep, and doing wrong by my wife. But the picking out, the choosing. Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it. I saw you and made up my mind. My mind.
Risky, I'd say, trying to figure out anybody's state of mind. But worth the trouble if you're like me - curious, inventive and well-informed. What was I thinking of? How could I have imagined him so poorly? Not noticed the hurt that wasn't linked to the color of his skin or the blood beneath it. But to something else that longed for authenticity, for a right to be in this place, effortlessly without a false face, a laughless grin, a talking posture. I have been careless and stupid and it infuriates me to discover (again) how unreliable I am.
...the hopelessness that comes from knowing too little and feeling too much (so brittle, so dry he is in danger of the reverse: feeling nothing and knowing everything). Yes. No. Both. Either. But not this nothing. Men groan their satisfaction; women hum anticipation. The music bends, falls to its knees to embrace them all, encourage them all to live a little, why don't you? since this is the it you've been looking for. He didn't even care what I looked like. I could be anything, do anything - and it pleased him. Something about that made me mad. I don't know...Joe didn't care what kind of woman I was. He should have cared. I cared.
...aw longed to show it - to be able to say out loud what they have no need to say at all: That I have loved only you, surrendered my whole self reckless to you and nobody else. That I want you to love me back and show it to me. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. I like your fingers on and on, lifting, turning. I have watched your face for a long time now, and missed your eyes when you went away from me. Talking to you and hearing you answer - that's the kick.