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Army doctor Ruso is serving in Roman-occupied Britain under very trying circumstances. He faces near poverty, a micro-managing Chief Administrative Officer, the loss of his household servants, mysterious deaths of prostitutes from the local bar, a killer, and the unexpected purchase of a beautiful British slave girl, with whom he is trying not to fall in love.
How not to buy a slave with a broken arm
"If you don't get help for her soon, this slave is going to die. I'll take her off your hands."
"She's a good strong girl, sir. She'll perk up in a day or two. I'll knock a bit off the price for that arm."
"What price? You told me she was lazy and useless."
"Useless at cleaning, sir, but an excellent cook. And what's more . . ."—
Innocens raised his free arm to steady the girl as he leaned forward in a haze of fish sauce and bellowed over more hammering "just the thing for a healthy young man like yourself, sir! Ripe as a peach and never been touched!"
"I'm not interested in touching her!" shouted Ruso, just as the noise stopped.
Innocens was smiling again. Ruso suppressed an urge to grab him by the neck and shake him.
"What would you like to offer, sir?"
Ruso hesitated. "I'll give you fifty denarii," he muttered.
Innocens's jowls collapsed in disappointment. He shrugged the shoulder not being used to prop up his merchandise. "I wish I could, sir. I can hardly afford to feed her. But the debt I took her for was four thousand."
It was a ridiculous lie. Even if it wasn't, Ruso didn't have four thousand denarii. He didn't even have four hundred. It had been an expensive summer.
"Fifty's more than she's worth, and you know it," he insisted. "Look at her."
"Fifty-five!" offered a voice from the scaffolding.
"What?" put in his companion. "You heard the man, she's a virgin. Fifty-six!"
Innocens scowled at them. "One thousand and she's yours, sir."
"Fifty or nothing."
The trader shook his head, unable to believe that any fool would offer all his money at the first bid. Ruso, remembering with a jolt that payday was still three weeks away, was barely able to believe it himself.
"Two hundred, sir. I can't go below two hundred. You'll ruin me."
"Go on!" urged the chorus from the scaffolding. "Two hundred for this lovely lady!"
Ruso looked up at the workmen. "Buy her yourselves if you like. I only came out for a bottle of bath oil."
At that moment the girl's body jerked. A feeble cough emerged from her lips. Her eyelids drifted shut. A slow silver drool emerged from her mouth and came to rest in shining bubbles on the sodden wool of her tunic. Claudius Innocens cleared his throat.
"Will that fifty be cash, then, sir?"
image:
Greek philosophy
Ruso lay on the borrowed bed and stared into the gloom that hid the cracks in the ceiling plaster, reflecting that Socrates was a wise man. Surveying the goods on a market stall, the great one was said to have remarked, "What a lot of things a man doesn't need!"
What a lot of things a man doesn't need. That thought had comforted Ruso over the last few months. The more you own, he had told himself, the more you have to worry about. Possessions are a burden.
The kind of possessions which needed to be regularly fed were a double burden. They were only worth having if they earned their keep by doing the laundry, or barking at burglars, or catching mice, or carrying you somewhere, or chirping in a way that your ex-wife used to find entertaining. It was a pity Socrates hadn't thought to add, Which is why I never shop after drinking on an empty stomach.
Learning to appreciate British beer
Ruso took the dripping cup of beer and wondered whether to clear up the dishes, or whether to wait and see how long it would be before Valens did.
Valens squinted into his own beer, rescued something with a forefinger, and flicked it over his shoulder. A rush of inquisitive puppies followed its course.
"How long have you been a beer drinker?"
"I'm not. Some native gave it to me as a thank-you for treating one of his children."
Ruso frowned into his drink. "Are you sure he was grateful?"
"Smells like goat's piss, I know. But you'll get used to it."
Ruso tried another mouthful and wondered how long getting used to it would take.
"Visit Sunny Britannia"
Valens's letters had made Britannia sound entertaining. The islands, apparently, were bursting with six-foot warrior women and droopy-mustached, poetry-spouting fanatics who roamed the misty mountains stirring up quarrelsome tribesmen in the guise of religion.
His own observation of Britannia now led Ruso to suspect that Valens had deliberately lured him here to relieve the boredom.
An open air market
"Fresh fish, sir?" A woman who was out of breath from pushing a cart up the slope lifted a cloth to display glistening silver bodies. She grinned, showing a gap where her front teeth should have been. "Just caught in time for dinner!"
Ruso shook his head.
In the space of a hundred paces he also declined a bucket of mussels, a jar of pepper, a delivery of coal, a set of tableware, an amphora of wine, a bolt of cloth to make the finest bedspread in Deva, some indefinable things in the shape of small sausages, and an introduction to an exotic dancer. Stepping onto the quay, he dodged a trolley being pushed by a small boy who couldn't see over it. Behind him a voice shouted, "Tray of plums, sir?"
It was comforting to know that he still had the appearance of a man with money to spend.
Hospital administration and how to save money
"Where's the clean linen kept?"
"Third door on the left, sir." The orderly disappeared into a side corridor.
Ruso flipped the latch and collided with the door, which had failed to open as expected. He rattled it to no avail, then realized there was a keyhole. When the orderly reappeared with an empty tray he said.
"Where's the key?"
"Officer Priscus will have it, sir."
"He took the key to the linen closet?"
"Officer Priscus is in charge of all the keys, sir."
"That's ridiculous!"
Ruso contemplated the silent, locked door of the linen closet. He had yet to meet Officer Priscus, but already he hated him. The man seemed to have turned hospital administration into an art form—something incomprehensible, overpriced, and useless. In the meantime, a sick girl was huddled in a corner of the changing room, facing a pile of wet towels.
Ruso stood back, contemplated the latch for a moment, and moved. A splintering crash echoed down the deserted corridor. He helped himself before anyone could arrive to see who had just bypassed the hospital administration with a military boot.
First rule with women: Get their name right
"By the way, I dropped in on your Tilla just now. Since you were too busy."
Ruso frowned. "My what?"
"Tilla," repeated Valens. When there was no reply he shook his head sadly. "Gods above, Ruso, you are hopeless. What have I told you? First rule with women: Get the name right. Anyway, it looks as though you've got away with that arm. Too early to say whether it'll be of any use, of course."
"Are you sure she's called Tilla?" persisted Ruso. "It doesn't look anything like that on the note of sale."
Valens shrugged. "She said that's what you called her."
"I didn't call her anything. I can't pronounce her name. It's got about fifteen syllables stuffed with g's and h's in odd places."
"She seems to think you told her she'd be Tilla from now on. She seemed quite cheerful about it."
"Did she?" There was no justice in the ways of the world. Ruso, who had saved the girl's life, was rewarded with weeping and "Let me die." Valens, who would have fixed her broken arm with a sharp saw, was granted a pleasant chat.
How Tilla got her name
"Utilis, said Ruso suddenly. "Useful. Her Latin's a bit shaky. She got into a bit of a state last night. Thought she was never going to get better and wanted to be off with the ancestors, or something. I told her she'd be utilis to me."
Tilla!
The joys of house hunting
Several would-be landlords had chalked up advertisements on the amphitheater walls.
The smell of urine and old cabbage stew, which hit Ruso as soon as the first door opened, failed to mask the personal odor of the toothless crone who announced,
"He an't here, I dunno where he is, and he an't done nothing."
"I'll keep looking," said Ruso.
"Did have," said the next one. "We did have a room. Somebody should have rubbed the notice off."
The third room was still having its walls plastered, but the owner's wife promised it would be ready by nightfall.
"How much?"
She told him. Ruso laughed and walked away, and she let him go.
The servants always know
"Somebody ought to ask the servants what happened to her," ventured the plump woman, dabbling her fingers in the bowl held by a patient slave and drying them on the towel over his arm. "Servants always know everything, you know. It's amazing."
As Ruso dipped his hands into the warm water, he glanced at the face of the slave holding the bowl. The man's expression gave nothing away.
A most persistent clerk
It was with neither joy nor enthusiasm that he opened the front door to urgent knocking shortly after dawn and found his clerk calling to ask whether there was anything he wanted done.
"What I want done," explained Ruso, summoning all the patience he could muster and wondering what sort of a clerk could fail to understand a staff rotation, "is for you to push off and not bother me until I tell you to. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
"Yes, sir," replied the man, saluting, but instead of pushing off as ordered he remained on the doorstep.
"I said, dismissed."
"Yes, sir."
"So?"
"Are you ordering me not to come, sir?"
"Of course I'm ordering you not to come! Is there something the matter with your hearing?"
"No, sir."
Ruso leaned against the door frame and yawned. "Albanus," he said, "are you deliberately trying to annoy me?"
The man looked shocked. "Oh no, sir."
"Do you want to be charged with insubordination?"
"Oh no, sir!"
"Then what is the matter with you?"
Albanus's shoulders seemed to shrink as he glanced around to make sure there was no one listening in the street. "Officer Priscus's orders, sir."
"Officer Priscus," explained Ruso, "has seconded you to me. So you do what I tell you."
"Yes, sir."
"So what's the problem?"
"Sir, he's my superior. So when he tells me to report to you in the morning, I have to do it."
Ruso sighed. "He only meant the first morning."
Albanus shook his head. "No, sir. He told me again yesterday."
Ruso ran a hand through his hair. "I'll talk to him. Now get lost."
Albanus nodded eagerly. "Shall I get lost anywhere in particular, sir?"
image:
Take delight in a community full of interwoven relationships between army doctors, soldiers, slave girls, and hairy locals - all trying to live on the edge of the Roman empire.
Enjoy!
How not to buy a slave with a broken arm
"If you don't get help for her soon, this slave is going to die. I'll take her off your hands."
"She's a good strong girl, sir. She'll perk up in a day or two. I'll knock a bit off the price for that arm."
"What price? You told me she was lazy and useless."
"Useless at cleaning, sir, but an excellent cook. And what's more . . ."—
Innocens raised his free arm to steady the girl as he leaned forward in a haze of fish sauce and bellowed over more hammering "just the thing for a healthy young man like yourself, sir! Ripe as a peach and never been touched!"
"I'm not interested in touching her!" shouted Ruso, just as the noise stopped.
Innocens was smiling again. Ruso suppressed an urge to grab him by the neck and shake him.
"What would you like to offer, sir?"
Ruso hesitated. "I'll give you fifty denarii," he muttered.
Innocens's jowls collapsed in disappointment. He shrugged the shoulder not being used to prop up his merchandise. "I wish I could, sir. I can hardly afford to feed her. But the debt I took her for was four thousand."
It was a ridiculous lie. Even if it wasn't, Ruso didn't have four thousand denarii. He didn't even have four hundred. It had been an expensive summer.
"Fifty's more than she's worth, and you know it," he insisted. "Look at her."
"Fifty-five!" offered a voice from the scaffolding.
"What?" put in his companion. "You heard the man, she's a virgin. Fifty-six!"
Innocens scowled at them. "One thousand and she's yours, sir."
"Fifty or nothing."
The trader shook his head, unable to believe that any fool would offer all his money at the first bid. Ruso, remembering with a jolt that payday was still three weeks away, was barely able to believe it himself.
"Two hundred, sir. I can't go below two hundred. You'll ruin me."
"Go on!" urged the chorus from the scaffolding. "Two hundred for this lovely lady!"
Ruso looked up at the workmen. "Buy her yourselves if you like. I only came out for a bottle of bath oil."
At that moment the girl's body jerked. A feeble cough emerged from her lips. Her eyelids drifted shut. A slow silver drool emerged from her mouth and came to rest in shining bubbles on the sodden wool of her tunic. Claudius Innocens cleared his throat.
"Will that fifty be cash, then, sir?"
image:
Greek philosophy
Ruso lay on the borrowed bed and stared into the gloom that hid the cracks in the ceiling plaster, reflecting that Socrates was a wise man. Surveying the goods on a market stall, the great one was said to have remarked, "What a lot of things a man doesn't need!"
What a lot of things a man doesn't need. That thought had comforted Ruso over the last few months. The more you own, he had told himself, the more you have to worry about. Possessions are a burden.
The kind of possessions which needed to be regularly fed were a double burden. They were only worth having if they earned their keep by doing the laundry, or barking at burglars, or catching mice, or carrying you somewhere, or chirping in a way that your ex-wife used to find entertaining. It was a pity Socrates hadn't thought to add, Which is why I never shop after drinking on an empty stomach.
Learning to appreciate British beer
Ruso took the dripping cup of beer and wondered whether to clear up the dishes, or whether to wait and see how long it would be before Valens did.
Valens squinted into his own beer, rescued something with a forefinger, and flicked it over his shoulder. A rush of inquisitive puppies followed its course.
"How long have you been a beer drinker?"
"I'm not. Some native gave it to me as a thank-you for treating one of his children."
Ruso frowned into his drink. "Are you sure he was grateful?"
"Smells like goat's piss, I know. But you'll get used to it."
Ruso tried another mouthful and wondered how long getting used to it would take.
"Visit Sunny Britannia"
Valens's letters had made Britannia sound entertaining. The islands, apparently, were bursting with six-foot warrior women and droopy-mustached, poetry-spouting fanatics who roamed the misty mountains stirring up quarrelsome tribesmen in the guise of religion.
His own observation of Britannia now led Ruso to suspect that Valens had deliberately lured him here to relieve the boredom.
An open air market
"Fresh fish, sir?" A woman who was out of breath from pushing a cart up the slope lifted a cloth to display glistening silver bodies. She grinned, showing a gap where her front teeth should have been. "Just caught in time for dinner!"
Ruso shook his head.
In the space of a hundred paces he also declined a bucket of mussels, a jar of pepper, a delivery of coal, a set of tableware, an amphora of wine, a bolt of cloth to make the finest bedspread in Deva, some indefinable things in the shape of small sausages, and an introduction to an exotic dancer. Stepping onto the quay, he dodged a trolley being pushed by a small boy who couldn't see over it. Behind him a voice shouted, "Tray of plums, sir?"
It was comforting to know that he still had the appearance of a man with money to spend.
Hospital administration and how to save money
"Where's the clean linen kept?"
"Third door on the left, sir." The orderly disappeared into a side corridor.
Ruso flipped the latch and collided with the door, which had failed to open as expected. He rattled it to no avail, then realized there was a keyhole. When the orderly reappeared with an empty tray he said.
"Where's the key?"
"Officer Priscus will have it, sir."
"He took the key to the linen closet?"
"Officer Priscus is in charge of all the keys, sir."
"That's ridiculous!"
Ruso contemplated the silent, locked door of the linen closet. He had yet to meet Officer Priscus, but already he hated him. The man seemed to have turned hospital administration into an art form—something incomprehensible, overpriced, and useless. In the meantime, a sick girl was huddled in a corner of the changing room, facing a pile of wet towels.
Ruso stood back, contemplated the latch for a moment, and moved. A splintering crash echoed down the deserted corridor. He helped himself before anyone could arrive to see who had just bypassed the hospital administration with a military boot.
First rule with women: Get their name right
"By the way, I dropped in on your Tilla just now. Since you were too busy."
Ruso frowned. "My what?"
"Tilla," repeated Valens. When there was no reply he shook his head sadly. "Gods above, Ruso, you are hopeless. What have I told you? First rule with women: Get the name right. Anyway, it looks as though you've got away with that arm. Too early to say whether it'll be of any use, of course."
"Are you sure she's called Tilla?" persisted Ruso. "It doesn't look anything like that on the note of sale."
Valens shrugged. "She said that's what you called her."
"I didn't call her anything. I can't pronounce her name. It's got about fifteen syllables stuffed with g's and h's in odd places."
"She seems to think you told her she'd be Tilla from now on. She seemed quite cheerful about it."
"Did she?" There was no justice in the ways of the world. Ruso, who had saved the girl's life, was rewarded with weeping and "Let me die." Valens, who would have fixed her broken arm with a sharp saw, was granted a pleasant chat.
How Tilla got her name
"Utilis, said Ruso suddenly. "Useful. Her Latin's a bit shaky. She got into a bit of a state last night. Thought she was never going to get better and wanted to be off with the ancestors, or something. I told her she'd be utilis to me."
Tilla!
The joys of house hunting
Several would-be landlords had chalked up advertisements on the amphitheater walls.
The smell of urine and old cabbage stew, which hit Ruso as soon as the first door opened, failed to mask the personal odor of the toothless crone who announced,
"He an't here, I dunno where he is, and he an't done nothing."
"I'll keep looking," said Ruso.
"Did have," said the next one. "We did have a room. Somebody should have rubbed the notice off."
The third room was still having its walls plastered, but the owner's wife promised it would be ready by nightfall.
"How much?"
She told him. Ruso laughed and walked away, and she let him go.
The servants always know
"Somebody ought to ask the servants what happened to her," ventured the plump woman, dabbling her fingers in the bowl held by a patient slave and drying them on the towel over his arm. "Servants always know everything, you know. It's amazing."
As Ruso dipped his hands into the warm water, he glanced at the face of the slave holding the bowl. The man's expression gave nothing away.
A most persistent clerk
It was with neither joy nor enthusiasm that he opened the front door to urgent knocking shortly after dawn and found his clerk calling to ask whether there was anything he wanted done.
"What I want done," explained Ruso, summoning all the patience he could muster and wondering what sort of a clerk could fail to understand a staff rotation, "is for you to push off and not bother me until I tell you to. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
"Yes, sir," replied the man, saluting, but instead of pushing off as ordered he remained on the doorstep.
"I said, dismissed."
"Yes, sir."
"So?"
"Are you ordering me not to come, sir?"
"Of course I'm ordering you not to come! Is there something the matter with your hearing?"
"No, sir."
Ruso leaned against the door frame and yawned. "Albanus," he said, "are you deliberately trying to annoy me?"
The man looked shocked. "Oh no, sir."
"Do you want to be charged with insubordination?"
"Oh no, sir!"
"Then what is the matter with you?"
Albanus's shoulders seemed to shrink as he glanced around to make sure there was no one listening in the street. "Officer Priscus's orders, sir."
"Officer Priscus," explained Ruso, "has seconded you to me. So you do what I tell you."
"Yes, sir."
"So what's the problem?"
"Sir, he's my superior. So when he tells me to report to you in the morning, I have to do it."
Ruso sighed. "He only meant the first morning."
Albanus shook his head. "No, sir. He told me again yesterday."
Ruso ran a hand through his hair. "I'll talk to him. Now get lost."
Albanus nodded eagerly. "Shall I get lost anywhere in particular, sir?"
image:
Take delight in a community full of interwoven relationships between army doctors, soldiers, slave girls, and hairy locals - all trying to live on the edge of the Roman empire.
Enjoy!