As nice as it was to read a positive marriage book about emphasizing the good things about your spouse and your relationship, Dr. Neil Clark Warren's book is a frothy, cotton candy snack of a book. Considering Warren admits most of the time couples therapy does more harm than good, it's no wonder the divorce rate is so high in America. Warren's book is a strange mixture of advice on making your spouse feel good while also reminding the reader one's most important relationship is with oneself (which is not actually true), sprinkled with occasional lip-service to God. If one has never read a positive book on being married, this is a decent place to start, but as Warren himself admits throughout, it's only a beginning point (perhaps we are to read his other books to get more information). Warren's message throughout is to accentuate the positive, whether it's physically, verbally, emotionally, or spiritually (his treatment of spirituality is quite horrendous, essentially equating God with Santa Claus who wants to fill our stockings with happiness if we only think he's out there). Warren says the bad stuff in a troubled relationship needs to be dealt with, which is true, but he does say it should be done when you are willing to remember the good times. It's not a total waste of time, since it is such a short and fast read (and one of the few marriage books emphasizing positive things), but you won't get a whole lot of useful (or even accurate) things out of it.

Neil Clark Warren offers a counter-intuitive method of reminding lovers why they got married--remind them of what they're good at. He states that a marriage gone negative has a hard time pulling out of the negative spiral when they only focus on their problems. Starting with laughing and doing things you enjoy, he suggests, are more helpful places to start. When you can again see some good in your partner, then you need to work on your dysfunctions.

Warren proposes that couples in crisis stop focusing on turning the marriage around ASAP, but rather work on making it 10% better in the next year. If a couple can improve their relationship 10% in a year, in 5 years they will have a great marriage.

The author's 3 main messages are:
1) Work from your marriage's strengths, and minimize your weaknesses. Go back to doing things you both enjoy.
2) While you're doing things you enjoy, be fully present. Give your spouse the gift of time and focused attention. Text, touch, and be tender.
3) Share together what you're learning spiritually, remember how to laugh, and acknowledge that conflict be a great strength in your marriage. Give the other person the gift of safety--let h/er be fully himself in your presence. When s/he expresses a differing viewpoint (and s/he will because s/he is a unique individual) remember that a view point different from yours doesn't make you WRONG. No one has to be wrong or right, you have different opinions, and by accepting those and bringing your own, you can work together toward a solution.

While reading this book, I began implementing Warren's suggestions, and they have made our marriage at least 5% better in just a few weeks. We are laughing more, having more fun, and less defensive. I have a lot to learn here--and this book has been helpful in practical ways to love my husband.

Marriage