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I had this weird dream last night. I was at the upcoming Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, and... here, let me give you my reconstruction...
HILLARY CLINTON: [on podium, in front of huge crowd] And now, our prosecutor is going to read out a list of indictments against my opponent, Donald Trump. I want you all to say whether you think he's innocent or... GUILTY!
PROSECUTOR: Thank you Hillary. Let's get started. Indictment one: sexual assault. Jill Harth recently accused Donald Trump of sexually assaulting her in 1997. Do you think he's innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: Some parts of her story ring true, but she's changed it a lot of times.
WOMAN IN CROWD: Yeah, it's hard to know what's going on.
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: And it's all hearsay.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we think?
CROWD: Presumed innocent!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: PRESUMED INNOCENT!!
PROSECUTOR: Thank you, that's a great answer! And now, indictment two: rape. Katie Johnson, in another recent deposition, claimed that "she was subject to extreme sexual and physical abuse by Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein, including forcible rape during a four month time span, when she was still only a minor of age 13." What do we think? Innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: This is hearsay too!
WOMAN IN CROWD: But she does have a witness, "Tiffany Doe".
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: It could be politically motivated though. Hard to tell. All the same, she should have her day in court.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we think?
CROWD: Presumed innocent!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: PRESUMED INNOCENT!!
PROSECUTOR: You're all such terrific guys! So, indictment three: fraud and racketeering. Donald Trump's "Trump University" is the subject of several lawsuits, including two class action suits filed in California and one filed in New York by then-attorney general Eric Schneiderman. The many petitioners claim that they were swindled out of sums of up to $60,000 dollars in exchange for courses that were essentially worthless. What do we think? Innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: You gotta admit there's a lot of evidence.
WOMAN IN CROWD: I read the playbook when the judge ruled that it could be released. Disgusting.
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I need to hear the other side before I make up my mind. And hey, caveat emptor.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we want?
CROWD: Due process!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: DUE PROCESS!
PROSECUTOR: I still can't hear you.
CROWD: DUE PROCESS!!!
[A chant starts up]
One, two, three, four
We must all respect the law!
Six, seven, eight, nine
Stay the right side of the line!
HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you, thank you, thank you! See, that's the America I'm fighting for. A country where the rule of law is paramount, where due process is respected, and where everyone is presumed innocent until they're proven guilty. Even Donald Trump.
HILLARY CLINTON: [on podium, in front of huge crowd] And now, our prosecutor is going to read out a list of indictments against my opponent, Donald Trump. I want you all to say whether you think he's innocent or... GUILTY!
PROSECUTOR: Thank you Hillary. Let's get started. Indictment one: sexual assault. Jill Harth recently accused Donald Trump of sexually assaulting her in 1997. Do you think he's innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: Some parts of her story ring true, but she's changed it a lot of times.
WOMAN IN CROWD: Yeah, it's hard to know what's going on.
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: And it's all hearsay.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we think?
CROWD: Presumed innocent!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: PRESUMED INNOCENT!!
PROSECUTOR: Thank you, that's a great answer! And now, indictment two: rape. Katie Johnson, in another recent deposition, claimed that "she was subject to extreme sexual and physical abuse by Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein, including forcible rape during a four month time span, when she was still only a minor of age 13." What do we think? Innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: This is hearsay too!
WOMAN IN CROWD: But she does have a witness, "Tiffany Doe".
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: It could be politically motivated though. Hard to tell. All the same, she should have her day in court.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we think?
CROWD: Presumed innocent!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: PRESUMED INNOCENT!!
PROSECUTOR: You're all such terrific guys! So, indictment three: fraud and racketeering. Donald Trump's "Trump University" is the subject of several lawsuits, including two class action suits filed in California and one filed in New York by then-attorney general Eric Schneiderman. The many petitioners claim that they were swindled out of sums of up to $60,000 dollars in exchange for courses that were essentially worthless. What do we think? Innocent or guilty?
MAN IN CROWD: You gotta admit there's a lot of evidence.
WOMAN IN CROWD: I read the playbook when the judge ruled that it could be released. Disgusting.
SECOND MAN IN CROWD: But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I need to hear the other side before I make up my mind. And hey, caveat emptor.
PROSECUTOR: So, what do we want?
CROWD: Due process!
PROSECUTOR: I can't hear you.
CROWD: DUE PROCESS!
PROSECUTOR: I still can't hear you.
CROWD: DUE PROCESS!!!
[A chant starts up]
One, two, three, four
We must all respect the law!
Six, seven, eight, nine
Stay the right side of the line!
HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you, thank you, thank you! See, that's the America I'm fighting for. A country where the rule of law is paramount, where due process is respected, and where everyone is presumed innocent until they're proven guilty. Even Donald Trump.