I got this as part of an Arbinger course that I did a week or so ago. The course was good; the book was a slog. I think that the book's format was part of the problem. It uses a fictitious story to illustrate the concepts of 'getting out of the box' when it would have been just as memorable, and probably a lot less painful, not to mention long and boring, to present the concepts with real-life examples. So it was not the content, just the format that was a problem for me. Perhaps others will find it more useful.

I worked at a small, independent bookstore while going to college. I loved seeing what people read and talking to people about books. Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box had only been out a few years when I was working there. The people who raved about this book tended to be the same flavor of overly gregarious men who gobbled up management and leadership books anyway. Honestly, they were kind of a turn-off for me being interested in this book. In addition, I thought it was weird that it didn't have an actual person as an author, and what I could find about the Arbinger Institute itself at the time didn't talk about specific people or founders. It all just seemed odd.

Fast forward nearly 20 years to now. A friend of mine had to send her son to a boys' ranch in Arizona when he was in some pretty deep trouble, and the camp used the principles from this book to help the boys and their families learn to work together and change the way they saw each other and interacted. She also raved about it, but I wasn't put off because I knew her and how her family had changed since this experience with her son. Between her testimonial and an episode of a podcast referencing it, I decided to finally give it a whirl.

I really liked the principles of learning to see people as people, not objects. I appreciated that it was possible to have the same outward behaviors toward a person while having wildly different intentions and perspectives that drastically affect outcomes. I also loved that the same principles could be used in a work setting and a home/personal setting. Many of these ideas really could be life-changing in almost all relationships. There are definitely some things I can work on and change, especially as I interact with my kids.

There were a few things I didn't love, however. I didn't mind that it was in a fictional format—that actually made the principles more accessible—but the cliffhanger endings got a little old, like Dan Brown was writing a management book. Examples of last lines of chapters include:
- "You've given me a lot to think about." "Not nearly as much as you'll have to think about by this afternoon," Bud said with a chuckle. (pg. 49)
- "Let me tell you a story." (pg. 65)
- "Let me show you what I mean." (pg. 111)
- "So how do you?" I finally interjected. "How do you get out of the box?" "You already know." (pg. 129)

I also felt strung along by that kind of writing. Multiple chapters ended with Tom, the main character, asking the same question. It took a long time to get to the answers, which I wouldn't have minded if Tom's mentors hadn't kept saying they were just about to tell him. It felt a little off-putting, even though the ideas when they finally got to them were very good. I get that Tom (and the readers) needed all the background information to make sure the principles could be clearly understood, and I get that there needed to be a mechanism to keep the reader wanting to get to the end result, but I wish there had been a better way to do it that didn't feel like someone was trying to sell me something. It felt a little MLM-y, if that makes any sense.

Finally, I do have one issue with the idea of self-deception. In the book it says that any "act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of 'self-betrayal'" (pg. 67). This is fine for people who aren't dealing with perfectionism or scrupulosity or similar issues; however, it presents a problem for those who do, or even just those who need better boundaries around people who tend to take advantage of them. I might have the thought that my son didn't do the dishes (that's his after-dinner chore currently) and that I should do them for him. My son frequently walks away from assigned chores hoping someone else will take care of them. If I have the thought to do them for him, then remember that they are his responsibility and not do them myself, I am (according to the book) in a moment of betrayal and self-deception because I am not doing the thing for someone else that I thought I should do. I would love to see more detail and nuance on how to deal with situations like these instead of what seemed like painting with a slightly too-broad of brush.

Overall, the principles are very useful, and I decided to pick up a book by the founder of the Arbinger Institute, Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves by C. Terry Warner, to get a more in-depth approach to these ideas and see how they might fit in my personal and professional life.

You know that occasional, elusive thought of something you should do? Like taking out the trash? But instead of doing it, you replace it resentment. Why am I always the one taking out the garbage? In an instant, you conjure up a reality where your inaction is wholly justified: They need to pull their share of the responsibilities and take out the trash more often. In this new reality you've created, the resentment feeds on itself as you wait for them to do it. But they don't. Because they can't read your thoughts.

This book is about these moments of self-deception, big and small. That when we start deceiving ourselves, we influence those around us to do the same. It's honestly a lot more work to reproach someone for not taking out the garbage than just doing it (or talking about it).

When there's a disconnect between our sense of what's right and what we do, we engage in what the book coins as 'self-betrayal.' If we don't pay attention to these moments of self-betrayal, we easily drift into our own, self-serving stories. The idea is not new. You can summarize it as "assume good intentions", "default to the most respectable interpretation," or fundamental attribution error: What would have to be true for this person to act this way? However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice. That it's much harder than we give it credit for, but that we can be better at catching ourselves.

It's told as fiction, similar to The Goal, or 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. It's an easy read, with a robust and applicable takeaway. Definitely comes highly recommended.

Absolutely the best book on leadership I've ever read. Seriously, a life-changing book for me. If you are a pastor, wife, husband, leader, employee, boss, father, mother, etc. you should read this. Game-changer. Can't praise it enough. Read it!

Was required reading at my company, would not have gone down this path on my own accord. The only saving grace is this book is an incredibly fast and fluffy read. The whole point? Treat people with respect, talk to them like humans, don't be a judge-y asshole that externalizes your problems and develop some emotional awareness, bruh. This point is reiterated through 170 pages of pseudo-philosophical enlightenment dialogue between "Tom," the emotionally maldeveloped executive, and his sage mentor/CEO/boss figure. You are "in the box" when you are deceiving yourself, blaming others and judging them to support your own fragile, warped worldview. You're "out of the box" when you aren't treating people like shit and recognize that there's more to life than optimizing the success your corporate silo at the expense of your friends and family (and yourself, Tom!). In case it isn't clear, you don't want to be in the box. Also, if you illegally park in a handicap parking spot and walk away while feigning a limp so that nobody knows you're cheating the system, you're an asshole. The book makes this last point clear.

I'm not a fan of business/management/leadership books, finding most of them filled with platitudes and banalities. That seems par for the course in the genre. "Leadership and Self-Deception" is part of that genre, but is able to transcend it, at least a bit. What distinguished this book is the self-deception aspect. The premise is that leaders especially but human being in general fail when they fail to view people as human beings and as ends in themselves rather than means to an end. This is something that I learned in Theory of Ethics as a college sophomore, but I recognize that few college students take philosophy these days. So most people are ignorant about Immanuel Kant's Categorical Imperative. The Arbinger Institute steps in to help people learn the lesson of treating people as human beings and not as tools to implement a leader's agenda or as ways to get tasks accomplished. The book is a quick read and promotes self-examination. I am working to incorporate the principles into my career and personal life.

The core ideas in the book -- what the authors call getting "in the box" toward others and how to get out of the box -- are helpful. However, two things keep me from giving this book a higher rating.

First, the story the authors use to introduce these core ideas to the reader could have been much shorter with higher impact. See Patrick Lencioni's business fables for an example of that.

Second, two key terms in the book -- "in the box" and "self-betrayal" -- are not good fits for what the authors are describing. And these terms are used throughout the book and more frequently than any others.

What the authors describe as "self-betrayal" is actually about how we think about, respond to and act toward others. "Self-focus" or "defensive" or a term that was more about betraying others would have been more fitting. I had a hard time getting past the misuse of "self-betrayal" and almost gave up on the book because of it. Meanwhile being "in the box" toward someone else doesn't give a picture that aligns with the outward attitudes and actions the authors describe. Given this book has been around for a while, it is probably too late to change either of these terms.

Leadership and Self Deception loses a lot of its potential impact, because it is longer than need be and not as clear as it could be. Still it is worth a quick, skimming-through-it read to get the key messages and to see where you are falling into these traps as a leader.

This book should be renamed "straight men learn how to be empathetic and not assholes to women, especially in the workplace". LOL, all the main characters in this book are men and are aggressive, patronizing, and downright cruel towards all the women in this book, and then the men learn how to be better people. I feel like there are some good concepts in here, and this would be a great read for someone who is low on emotional intelligence or empathy and needs to expand their worldview to learn how not to be a jerk in the workplace. But otherwise, the way these concepts are presented is weird. What a strange book.

They said box too much

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box was a letdown.

While it carries a great message, the book itself is overly simplistic. The characters are flat, and the storyline lacks depth. It spends too much time explaining what doesn’t work and how you stay stuck and not enough on how to actually “get out of the box” or, more importantly, stay out of it. From my understanding, the solution is self-awareness, and it feels obvious.

As someone who has spent years in therapy and developed a strong sense of self-awareness, I didn’t find anything new or enlightening here. It felt more like a basic introduction to these ideas, rather than offering any substantial insights.

This book might be useful for people who are unaware of how their actions impact others—like those who stand in the middle of a store aisle without realizing they’re in the way, or people who act entitled, believing the world revolves around them. It could also help those who treat others as objects or obligations, operating with the mindset, "Why should I do something for someone if they haven’t done anything to deserve it?" For these readers, it could serve as an eye-opener, helping them recognize how their self-centered attitudes damage relationships with others or themselves. It could be a helpful starting point for those who are completely unaware of these dynamics.

However, for anyone already pretty self-aware or familiar with these ideas, the book offers little more than a basic overview and fails to provide any new perspectives or deeper understanding.

A truly remarkable book - read it. The 3-star grade comes mostly from my guess that the value of this book will have everything to do with what it mean to you, not anything integral to the book itself. It's a journey. I learned a lot.

A couple of points:

* The book essentially makes assertions about humans that would be hard to test. That doesn't mean it's wrong or not valuable, but it's very much in the "your mileage may vary" category.
* I think that the basic insights may be pretty indebted to some core ideas in the Christian tradition -- e.g., centuries of thought helping us understand consequences of envy, pride, and narcissism. I could say more, but this is just a note.

This is a great book about what it really means to be a leader and inspire change.