Rüya seemed haunted by the joys and pleasures that had slipped beyond her grasp. Galip still felt the terrible eye gazing down at him, as if it could see through his soul. Sighs rose and trembled through the timeless air, carrying with them the weight of unspoken emotions. The life we live is someone else's dream, a dream that we are constantly trying to make come true.
There were young people who at certain times in their lives fell in love simply because of a word, a story, or a book they'd both read. Everything that had ever been written, even the greatest and most authoritative texts in the world, were about dreams, not real life. Dreams were conjured up by words, and words had the power to create a world of their own.
Those who have not cracked the secret locked inside our history and our cemeteries cannot presume to speak about us. We must go out into the street and look at people's faces, for it is in their expressions that we can see the true essence of life. A song floated across the station, or perhaps from inside the restaurant, a song that spoke of love and grief and the emptiness of life. Sometimes snow fell, and sometimes darkness prevailed, but through it all, we must keep moving forward.
Galip thought how much better it would be if he could leave this world behind forever and live in Celâl's world instead. He had the same sort of life, the same sort of past, and the same sort of memories. Adorn your stories with bittersweet recollections, for they are the essence of our lives. Celâl was hiding somewhere inside them, using his column to send messages to people, all sorts of people - small private messages that only those who knew how to read between the lines could understand.
Life was an endless string of miseries, but if one came to an end, there was another waiting around the corner. This all-knowing, all-seeing eye was gazing down at me now without even trying to conceal itself. The eye knew me, and I knew the eye. It was I who created the eye, so that it could see me. If the eye didn't see me, I would cease to exist at all. We all have a second person buried inside us, a dear friend to whom we whisper to our heart's content.
All these buildings, streets, and parks, all these houses laden with a lifetime of memories, were reduced to a system of lines and points. It was a crowded collage of people, places, and images from my past. I saw myself and my entire life through His eyes, and it was both terrifying and enlightening. Everything that reminded me of you made me unbearably sad, but at the same time, it also gave me the strength to keep going.
The only way forward was to rip away our memories, our past, and our history. We should have met long ago, but fate had other plans. I am crazy about mysterious things, and it is this mystery that keeps me going. Instead of bringing them hope, you've fed them lies. You yourself are Deccal, a master of deception. His dreams flowed into the stories, and everything became a copy of something else.
The writer spent his nights roaming the city's dark alleys, searching for inspiration. The melancholy of the rainy streets of Istanbul was palpable, as if it could soak into one's soul. I must be myself, I must be myself, I must be myself. All the people I'd had to see that day were still buzzing inside my head, their words, their little noises, and their endless stream of demands had blended into a single sound.
So that midnight, I finally came to see how glad I was to live apart from that madding crowd, from the vile and muddy chaos into which everyone is always commanding me, commanding us all, to immerse ourselves. For once I was myself! I must be myself, because if I failed to be myself, I became the person they wanted me to be. I was imitating the man who was nothing more than the sum total of all those people I was imitating.
I look back on those days in search of solace, but I am left only with the vague impression of a crowd moving through darkness. Our history could only survive underground, hidden from the prying eyes of the world. The underground city was ultimately wreaking revenge on the overground city, a silent rebellion against the forces that sought to suppress it.
How short our lives are, how little we see, how little we know; so let us dream, at least. The words lost their meaning and turned into shapes, and I found myself迷失 in a world of my own creation. He wished he could remember her with another face, in another story, but it was too late. It was perhaps possible to look into the faces of his fellow citizens and see in them the city's long history - its misfortunes, its lost magnificence, its melancholy and pain.
They came from a shared defeat, a shared history, and a shared shame. If he read Celâl's columns over and over, he would gain access to Celâl's memory, and once he had infiltrated Celâl's memory, he would know where he was hiding. These people had been able to forget their own sadness by immersing themselves in a story, a story that gave meaning to their memories and their melancholy. Their sad dreams and sadder memories were fast fading from their minds, replaced by the hope and promise of a new beginning.
All murders are copies of other murders, just as all books are copies of other books. Creativity rises out of anger, the kind of anger that erases all memory. I think of a troubled man pacing up and down the platform of a desolate station in the dead of night, waiting for a train that never comes. I shall roam about the city, searching for my beloved, searching for my very past behind every door I open.
Every object, word, and meaning was now in its proper place, but the deeper truth that held them all together was still beyond his reach. Somewhere between the lines, he had retreated into the shadows without anyone's noticing and exchanged his identity. The moment arrived when the search itself became more important than the answer he'd come to seek. The searcher and the object of his desire changed places, and it was less important to reach a goal than to keep walking toward it.
Celâl was obsessed with the little tricks, ambiguities, and fictions that allowed him to manipulate others from a distance. From now on I shall devote myself utterly to the hidden poetry of our faces, the terrifying secret that lurks inside our human gaze. This was a dangerous game he'd been dragged into, a deadly trap. Books were always telling us that everything was connected to everything else, and it was up to us to discover the hidden links.
These faces Celâl had been collecting for thirty years might offer him glimpses of this other realm to which he longed to escape. Faces that might once have spoken of pain, misery, and melancholy now said nothing. He began to think there might be a link between the mystery of letters and the meanings in faces. Every object that surrounds you is hiding a secret, and it is up to us to uncover it.
Everyone was impersonating someone else, and everything was a replica of an absent original. Behind every tree were letters, gruesome, bloodcurdling letters. Our faces had emptied of all meaning, and with it, the art of reading faces. Our eyebrows, our eyes, our noses, our gazes, our expressions, our faces were blank. There were an infinite number of possible interpretations of any given text, and it was up to us to choose the one that spoke to us the most.
It was like an unending maze of city streets, with each street leading to another: maps resembling human faces. The more he discovers, the more the mystery spreads, and the deeper he becomes lost in its web. The smell brought back memories of the days he and Rüya had spent in this apartment. They were all made from this smell, a smell that was both comforting and bittersweet.
I gazed into the mirror and read my face. I dreamed that I had at last become the person I've always longed to become. He felt like a detective who had just found the key to a mystery, who would now be using the same key to open new doors. If you want to turn your world upside down, all you have to do is somehow convince yourself you might be someone else. You're a flower in the garden of my memory, a beautiful and precious bloom that will always be there.
Istanbul nights are endless, a ghost with a guilty conscience cannot sleep. I believed in a world without heroes, a world where everyone was equal. I could never convince you to be content with an ordinary life, for you were always striving for something more. It was he who had changed and not the city, for the city remained the same, a constant reminder of our past and our future.
Istanbul was an open book to him now, it harbored no secrets. Was this life repeating itself? First voice is the simple persona, the voice you'll use with anyone. Second voice belongs to the man you'd like to be, the mask you've stolen from those you most admire. Third voice is the dark self, the dark style. That cities are made from addresses, addresses from letters, and letters from faces. To read was to gaze into a mirror, and those who know the secret behind the looking glass are able to travel to the other side.
You are possessed of a mighty pen, a pen that can realize all these dreams and astonishing memories. At least once in his life, a writer should have a chance to meet his perfect reader. We do not have private lives in this country, for everything we do is under the watchful eye of others. Mystery is sovereign, so treat it with respect. You love me. You loved me with all your heart. Everything you wrote, you wrote to me.
You talked about my cherry lips and my crescent eyebrows, all this time I've been the one inspiring you. The line between us faded into the mists of my imagination, and I could no longer see where you ended and I began. No one can ever be himself, for we are all a combination of different selves. I am both myself and someone else, a walking contradiction. I followed him all over Istanbul like a shadow, always there but never seen.
To live in an oppressed, defeated country is to be someone else, a victim of circumstance. I am someone else, therefore I am. But what if this person I want to become is himself someone else? This is the crux, the heart of the deception. The stories seem to write themselves. They flow by their own logic, taking on a life of their own. For the pages that follow - the black pages - are the memoirs of a sleepwalker, a journey into the unknown. Tears. Silence. The noises of a strange house. Because nothing is as surprising as life - Except for writing. Except for writing, the only consolation.