It's all just a game of cricket
25 October 2016 - Clifton Hill

tI'm going to have to be honest here and admit that I really wasn't all that impressed with this book. In fact the story was originally meant to be a six part Doctor Who series which was rejected by the producers, and I can see why – it just really didn't seem to be what I would expect from Doctor Who. Okay, the Doctor can be pretty tongue in cheek at times, and while there are suggestions that some Earth practices have extra-terrestrial origins, the who idea of cricket being a reflection of a huge intergalactic war really doesn't seem to fit well with the genre. I guess that having been rejected as a Doctor Who serial, being redrafted and made the third part of the Hitchhiker's Guide series sort of makes the story feel a little forced. Moreso it has a plot, and the one thing about absurdist literature is that it isn't really supposed to have a plot. Sure, the first book dealt with the search for the answer to the ultimate question, and the second dealt with the search for the true ruler of the galaxy, however they sort of sat in the background, and even then there was no real conclusion in the same way that Waiting for Godot really didn't have a conclusion.

tThe difference with this book is that the plot is front and centre. Arthur and Ford are trapped in prehistoric Earth however after parting ways for four years (and having some random person appear and insult him), they meet up again and discover a temporal anomaly in the form of a couch. So, what does one do when they see a couch in a place where it really shouldn't belong – well they sit on it. Anyway, the couch then proceeds to take them to Lord's at a time when the Australian Cricket Team simply cannot beat the English (and once again lose). All of the sudden these robots appear, hit bombs (that look like cricket balls) all over the place with bats that look like cricket bats, steal the ashes, and disappear. As it turns out the ashes aren't supposed to represent the 'death of English cricket' (well, they do, but that was only a representation) but rather are a piece of a key that is supposed to open the 'Wikit Gate' beyond which is imprisoned the world of 'Krikit'.

tWhat is then revealed is that eons ago the world of Krikit was isolated due to a dust cloud, however one day a spaceship crashed, and after examining the spaceship, and realising things existed beyond the sky, the inhabitants of Krikit decided to go and have a look, and it turned out that they didn't really like what they saw there. So, they proceeded to declare war on the entire universe. After a long and protracted period of hostilities the people of Krikit eventually lost (should I call them Krikitters? I'm not really sure) and they, and their world, were imprisoned in a field of slow time. However, a single spaceship full of robots managed to escape and proceeded to travel the galaxy and reassembling the key that would open the Wikit Gate. Ironically, parts of the key also included Marven's leg, a part of the infinite improbability drive, and the part of a trophy which represented the most gratuitous use of the word 'fuck' in a serious drama (though apparently when the book was released, this section of censored, so the world Belgium was used instead, which I have to admit is probably somewhat more clever that the other word that is used).

tLook, as I have already mentioned, I wasn't particularly enamored with this story, and I still have two more to go. I do remember liking the next one, but until I have read it I won't say anymore (though most people sort of write that one off as a load of rubbish). As for this book I don't want to write it completely off because there are some really good scenes, and jokes, in it, but it doesn't really have the panache that the previous books had. For instance, the whole discussion of flying being throwing yourself at the ground, and missing, was actually quite stupid. Okay, it did have a purpose in the book, but the Hitchhiker's Guide entry just simply didn't seem to be as clever as the entries in the first (and second) book. I guess that is the problem with a lot of books where they start off as a single book and quickly morph into a never-ending series (though Terry Pratchett seemed to have been able to solve that problem with his Discworld series).

tAnyway, let us consider the title of the book, which relates back to the original concept of the series, and in a way comes around to the question at the end of this book – what is life all about. The thing is that the answer to this question seems to be forever out of reach, or simply unobtainable through normal means (such as asking a computer, but then again how is a computer going to be able to answer such a question, particularly when the computer is limited by its creator). Okay, some people believe that they have the answer, which is what religion is all about. Actually, that is the prime definition of a religion, namely that it provides the answer to the questions of 'where did we come from, what are we doing here, and where are we going?'. Sure, most religions boil down to God, God, and God, but not all of them. Dare I say that scientific materialism answers those three questions: dust, whatever we want it to be, and dust. However I suspect that this whole scientific materialistic view of the universe is what created absurdism in the first place because despite providing the answers to these questions the answers weren't satisfactory.

tSure, the answers that end with God can be considered satisfactory answers, yet for some reason we insist on killing each other over the exact interpretation of what 'God' actually means. Okay, it technically means, as Bill and Ted put so well, 'be excellent to each other and party on dudes' yet this simple thing seems to be beyond us. Sure, there are some (such as myself) that imply that being excellent to each other also involves being excellent to God, but that sort of comes hand in hand. The baffling thing is that despite the fact that we agree that being excellent to each other is a really good idea we seem to not actually want to do it where we are concerned. In fact Adams even touches on that point namely because anybody who comes along and suggests that being excellent to each other would probably solve all of our problems ends up getting killed.

tThe problem is that our interpretation of being excellent to each other pretty much involves letting me do what I want to do and anybody who stops me from doing what I want to do is not being excellent to me. So, when we do things that are technically not being excellent to each other (such as polluting the world because, well, we want to live our hyperdisposable lifestyle) and people pull us up on it then we get upset and claim that being excellent to each other is not actually as great as it is cracked up to be and we might as well look for another solution to the ultimate question that doesn't involve me giving up all the really cool things that I have. Okay, I'm sure I could participate in this challenge that one of the social justice organisations is suggesting– namely living on one power socket, but I would cheat by having lots of powerboards and lots of extension cords so that my life isn't actually impacted all that much (or I could just live off my laptop as opposed to desktop and computer in the lounge room, but that is beside the point). Actually, come to think of it, there is a computer in the lounge room that I don't use – I think I should format the hardrive and turn that into my video machine as opposed to using my laptop, but I think I have drifted so far off topic that I might bring my story to an end now.

I've never related to something more in my entire life.
Stay away if you are not an awkward introvert.

'From the studios on the unstable fourth moon of Vega four; it's The Ua show!' The announcer shouted as Ua emerged from behind the curtain to the applause of her live audience.
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'Thank you, thank you.' She called to her adoring fans. 'And I must say I love you all. Even the reptiloids. Oh what am I saying; especially the reptiloids.' Light laughter followed.
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'Today we have with us the stars of Life, the Universe and Everything.' She called out while making a horizontal slash through the air; a pantomimed underline to indicate that she referenced the popular humor novel and not all of creation. Please welcome Wowbagger and Agrajag!'
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The lights behind her snapped on to reveal a comically mismatched pair of aliens. The first was tall, gray and sat with perfect posture while the other was a mottled bat-like lump of a humanoid with hideous teeth and scraggly hair; he looked like a commercial personification of acne or athlete’s foot fungus. The crowd cheered as Ua made her way to a seat facing her guests. 'Welcome to the show.' She said.
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'Hhhhhrrraaaaahhhh!' The bat-creature named Agrajag screeched by way of greeting. Wowbagger merely nodded in her direction.
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Some light chatting followed, with Ua expending serious effort to focus Agrajag and engage Wowbagger. Finally, after five minutes of talk about the weather, current events and 'how ya doin' pleasantries with little to show, Ua went to her trump card; 'Mr. Wowbagger.' She began “you're legendary for your quest to insult the universe; who doesn't still laugh when they hear 'knee-biter'” She turned to the audience, who applauded.
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'So we've asked you to come with a few insults prepared. Of course we know that you like to do this alphabetically, but we're hoping you'll make an exception in this case.'
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The edges of Wowbagger's thin lips turned upward slightly. 'Very well.' He said.
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'You can start with me.' Ua said and shot the audience a knowing look.
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'You...' Wowbagger began. A pause ripe with anticipation filled the studio. 'Ua Clarriska Utharion?'
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'Yes?' She said with a devious smile.
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'You are a clod, Ua. A shiftless weasel-punter.' Ua chortled The audience erupted in laughter. Wowbagger's mouth continued to turn upward.
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After a full minute of mirth, Ua wiped a tear from her eye and motioned for silence. 'I'm afraid it's not all fun and games on the show today.' She said and turned to Agrajag. 'Our other guest has something of a deeply sad story to tell; I understand you've recently suffered quite a tragedy.'
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'Oh I have.' Moaned Agrajag. Who proceeded to launch into a tale about how he had been murdered by Arthur Dent over 50 times and how his plan for revenge had been foiled. The audience knew the tale and most of them found it very funny. But to see Agrajag in person and so obviously miserable they all sat quiet and attentive.
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'And not only did I not kill Arthur Dent, but he pulled his cruelest trick yet. You see, this is my last life and had he killed this life, I would have been a failure but at least I could have rested. But he robbed that from me as well; smashing my poor body and entombing me in a collapsed cave. It's a cursed miracle that I survived in any state. I can't give up when revenge is still possible, but every waking moment is pain and hopelessness.'
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'Agrajag.' Wowbagger intoned when Agrajag's story concluded.
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'Yes?'
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'Trentorz Ignatious Agrajag?'
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'Well, yes, that's my full name. No wait-'
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'You're a dirt bag Agrajag. A total flipping dolt.' The audience went berserk; laughing and applauding. Wowbagger beamed and raised his arms in accepted adulation. Ua shot a glance at Agrajag to see the small monster's shoulders slumped and his face a mangled grimace. She silenced the audience and changed the subject.
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'And what about the author; Douglas Adams?' She asked 'how do you feel about how he wrote you.'
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Agragag's eyes perked up. 'Adams...' he said quietly. 'This is his fault; he wrote everything that happened to me. That's why I've never been able to take revenge...' Agragag trailed off as he got lost in his twisted labyrinth of a mind.
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'Douglas Adams is... Adams is a cretin. A jerktastic cretin.' Wowbagger turned to the audience for further praise. But they appeared dubious; the level of weird had become too much for them.
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Ua sensed the awkward situation and took a page from primary school teachers everywhere; she showed a video. In this case, a holovideo featuring imagery from the novel and a pair of unruly mobs shaking their fists at one another. The video was narrated by Morgan Freeman.
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'In the 1980s' Freeman began “Life, the Universe and Everything was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Critics pointed to the novel's scatter-shot plotting, rehashed jokes and an odd obsession with cricket, a sport few outside England find quaint or amusing, as their reasons for ranking Life, the Universe and Everything below the previous books in the 'Hitchhiker' series. More positive critics defended the novel by pointing out that the writing remained very clever and there are some really classic bits in there, including a planet-raiding mobile party and instruction on how to fly, and furthermore that the divide between the negative and positive critics really was in their favor. The detractors countered this last point; arguing that many of them died of aneurysms while reading the interminable chapters about restaurant-based propulsion or any part where Ford Prefect defined himself as a pointless wanker (which was constantly.) The defenders re-countered by stating that the untimely death of opponents is a well-established means of gaining the upper hand in any argument.'
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The ensuing war killed billions and devastated the literary arm of the galaxy. With no victor in sight, the two sides agreed to peace talks. These talks were contentions, leading to billions of additional deaths, but would produce a treaty declaring Life, the Universe and Everything 'a mixed bag.'”
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Just then a crash shook the studio. And suddenly an aqua-colored escape pod smashed through the ceiling and came hurtling toward the stage. Agrajag, who had just formulated a new scheme for revenge, had just enough time to glance up and say 'oh no, not again' before the capsule obliterated his final life. The crowd was stunned; apart from the total annihilation of Agrajag and his chair there was very little damage.
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After a minute's pause, with the holovideo still playing in the background, the capsule's hatch popped open and a long, bedraggled English face peered out. 'Sorry to disturb you.' The face said. 'But we're lost and I'm hoping one of you can help.'
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'Perhaps you'd like some tea first.' Ua offered and winked at the audience.
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'Well, yes that would be very nice.' The face responded.
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'Arthur Dent everybody!' Ua said and gestured to the literary icon. The crowd summoned another massive cheer. Arthur looked confused. After the cheer died down but before Ua could move the conversation forward, the dulcet voice of Morgan Freeman echoed through the momentary pause '… the primary takeaway is that Life, the Universe and Everything isn't all that it's cracked up to be.'
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'That's what I said' a metallic voice droned from inside the escape-pod.
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'Is that...' Ua turned suddenly giddy. 'Is that Marvin the robot?'
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'I'm afraid so.' Arthur said as he climbed through the porthole. 'Cheerful as ever.'
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'Oh, Marvin.' Ua cooed. 'I have to admit you're my favorite character. Would you be willing to do an interview. I'd be honored.'
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'That makes one of us.' The voice of everyone's favorite paranoid android said as he emerged.
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The audience was euphoric. Ua danced a little jig onstage. Wowbagger glared at the interlopers who had stolen his thunder. Arthur looked confused. Agrajag's soul finally found peace. Marvin felt very depressed.