Good topic.

Making good decisions by weighing external data, internal data and values brings authenticity which leads to enduring contentment.

Great book. One of the best self help book I've read.

This is a thought-provoking book. What is happiness? What is contentment? Lasting contentment is more than happiness. It’s proactive, looks inward, and means truly knowing and being true to ourselves. It means living authentically, and making our own decisions. Those decisions need to be informed by our own internal thoughts, feelings, wisdom; as well as feedback from others; and our values and spiritual convictions. The author says that when we are content and authentic we live in the present, free of fear, and without judging others. Authentic people genuinely appreciate themselves and hunger for truth. They are adaptable, flexible, have a strong sense of gratitude, love to laugh, have a high degree of dignity, and sleep well.

Authenticity and contentment have a lot to do with good decision-making – taking responsibility for our decisions after collecting all of the pertinent data – both internal and external. I appreciated that the author brought faith into the equation and highlighted the importance of gratitude. I also appreciated the author’s distinction between happiness and contentment and the point that contentment means hard work and not just a lazy and momentary happiness. But, I don’t know that I agree with everything here. He tries to counter the arguments that authenticity is not selfish, which I don’t completely understand yet. Personally, I feel like ‘authenticity’ sounds too selfish. I think a discussion of contentment has something to do with understanding the Lord’s will for us and trying to overcome the natural man (see  Mosiah 3:19).

There’s more to discuss and think about here, but here are some quotes that I liked:

“Enduring contentment, the kind of deep-down, soul-satisfying contentment that infuses your life with peace and serenity, gives you the freedom and energy to express yourself and follow your dreams despite what others may think, and allows you to fall asleep at night without fretting about what might have been (p. 3).”

“Contentment is a natural result of achieving authenticity—that is, knowing yourself intimately, appreciating your unique gifts and abilities, and making choices moment by moment that demonstrate honor and respect for yourself (p. 4).”

“Enduing contentment is unattainable to people who remain lost from their true identities (p. 4).”

“Happiness doesn’t go nearly as deep. Contentment is almost always the consequence of your relationships with yourself, a consistent loyalty to the person you truly are. Happiness is far more superficial and is usually contingent upon something external (p. 4).”

“You can experience enduring contentment only when you have the courage to be deeply and profoundly your true self, the self you discover when you make careful and solid choices about your life all along the way…. Contentment will be forever elusive unless you learn to be authentic and genuine (p. 8).”

“Contentment…comes with the courage to be the person you truly are—to simply be yourself—regardless of what people might think (p. 10).”

“Authenticity is life’s fiercest and most critical battle. Life involves a battle for who is going to be in charge of our lives. All kinds of insecure people would like to take control of our decision making, of our very personhood (p. 10).”

“If you give others control over your decision making, you will never become the person you were meant to be. You will most likely become the person they want you to be, but you will thereby become lost to yourself (p. 11).”

“Choosing to be authentic can be overwhelmingly risky. But…when you are authentic, you set yourself up for the deepest kind of enduring contentment. You discover the profound peace that accompanies a set of free and effective choices, the feeling of fulfillment and inner calm you have when you confidently know that you are fully capable of representing and standing by your deepest desires and your best judgment (p. 14).”

“‘Here’s the bottom line: Marriage can be wonderful enriching, but it is up to you, not someone else, to bring about your contentment (p. 15).’”

“I watched Marie become emotionally healthy. She began to take responsibility for her decision making, and she let go of an idea that wouldn’t work, and idea that had become a false god for her. And I watched her become more and more content with her life. Marie became a substantially more attractive human being and prospective marriage candidate as she became a strong, contented person (p. 17).”

“He was addicted to the praise of others, and he never discovered ow to achieve authenticity in his life (p. 18).

“‘It seems that you’ve never taken responsibility for being the person you want to be (p. 20).’”

“Hordes of people are frantically involved in the search for immediate, rapid-fire happiness surges, and this search has become an obsession. Businesses that cater to this frenzied pursuit are flourishing (p. 25).”

“This headlong pursuit of instantaneous happiness is designed to distract us from the emptiness we feel and to numb the pain of our relational failures and our gnawing sense of futility. This addiction requires daily, sometimes hourly, fixes so there is little time or energy left to pursue healthier, more permanent solutions to our dilemmas (p. 26).”

“When we become so intent on deadening the pain and discomfort of feeling unfulfilled, there is usually no time or energy left to think about a better strategy (p. 27).”

“One of the most insidious sources of fixes for happiness addicts is achievement. Some people nearly work themselves to death in their search for ways to get ahead. They frantically pursue the pats on the back and the esteem that come with accomplishing a goal (p. 29).”

“Deep-down, soul-satisfying contentment can never be realized until you recognize and overcome your addictions to happiness highs (p. 36).”

“Set aside consistent times to be alone, to think and reflect, to become familiar with your inner world (p. 39).”

“Kicking the addiction to happiness highs—and taking the first steps toward authenticity—demands a total commitment to emotional health. I have never known an authentic person who was not emotionally healthy (p. 43).”

“From an early age, Jimmy learned that he should ignore feelings of fragility and vulnerability. It isn’t just the little Jimmys who have been told to disregard their internal messages. The same is often true for little Kathys…. Soon they are completely oblivious to the messages sounding within them (p. 46).”

“Authenticity involves the relentless determination and ability to make one good decision after another, and good decision making is an internal event for every person on earth. That is why I am so concerned about people who have never become comfortable with exploring their inner world…. If you fail to look inward you won’t take possession of any internal data—your thoughts, feelings, needs, wishes, and concerns (p. 48).”

“If he opts to respond to his mother’s desires and wishes while denying his needs and feelings he may begin a pattern of ignoring his internal messages. But if he denies the clear messages from his mother, he may experience some loss in his relationship with this significant person. In a sense, he is in a no-win situation. This is the same predicament he will face—in many different forms—as long as he lives (p. 50).”

“Out-of-syncness…refers to the inner sense of disharmony, of being different in word and deed from what you are feeling. When you feel out of sync, you almost always have failed to give adequate attention to an important part of your internal data (p. 50).”

“The most important struggle of all involves maintaining a healthy balance of attentiveness to both internal and external information sources. If you neglect either source, your authenticity will suffer (p. 52).”

“He gives too much credence to what other people think, and he is too ambivalent about his needs and inclinations (p. 54).”

“Write out your intention (p. 54).”

“Write in a journal or notebook every day (p. 55).”

“Read something every day that stimulates your internal process…. I read a chapter from the Bible each morning…. This kind of reading has a way of leading you toward the center of yourself (p. 55).”

“Spend regular time with people who know themselves well and who encourage you to talk about what you feel most strongly (p. 55).”

“Pray. Prayer is meant to be a conversation with God. It involves pouring out your heart to Him about what is most on your mind and then listening intently to what He says to you in response (p. 56).”

“It’s not so much that living your life to satisfy external criteria is wrong in itself. What other people want from you is an important consideration, but when you overlook or seriously discount your internal needs, thoughts and feelings, your contentment level is almost sure to be jeopardized (p. 60).”

“To make…choices effectively, you will need open communication lines between you in your control booth and all the important data sources in your life. These sources include:
1.tAll your feelings and all your relevant thoughts, all the wisdom you have gleaned from past successes and failures (internal).
2.tThe feedback from significant people in your life, information about important cultural guidelines, and facts from experts (external).
3.tDirection based on your spiritual faith and convictions (values) (p. 62).”

“To stay in sync with herself, this young mother must process information from all these sources. Fortunately for her, she has a brain, like you and I do, with the capacity to assimilate and evaluate massive amounts of data (p. 65).”

“Impatience and impulsiveness are enemies of good decision making (p. 66).”

“Don’t use the data-collection process as an excuse to continually delay making a decision. Some people are so afraid of making a bad choice that they become stuck…. If he knows everything he needs to know, it’s time to decide. Procrastination and indecision won’t help him or his girlfriend (p. 67).”

“Children are not born with good decision-making ability; it has to be taught to them. Without question, this is the single most important skill they will ever learn. Any parent who wants to set up a child for a lifetime of satisfaction and meaning will carefully attend to this vital component of maturity (p. 68).”

“‘I’ve…never been taught to listen to myself (p. 74).’”

“Authenticity involves one conscious, competent choice after another (p. 77).”

“Why is it that when we’re confronted with something we don’t want to do, we often remain silent? Why do we move ahead with a decision, even though our inner world screams to do the opposite? What causes us to concede to others’ wishes at the expense of our own?.... So are you inside or outside your control booth (p. 80)?”

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to please others. Humans seem to be wired with the desire for affirmation and approval from other people, especially those most important to us. The problem comes when we look to someone else to decide whether we’re valuable and worthy (p. 82).”

“The power you give to others is as strong as your belief about their role as the determiner of your value and worth (p. 83).”

“I figured out that I had given away almost all of my control. Then it was simply a matter of trying to be the person I had implicitly promised to be. With one group of persons, I was open and revealing because that’s what I perceived they wanted from me. With another group, I was more serious and studious. I became proficient at reading people, groups, and situations to see what our ‘deal’ was. So eager was I for the payoff from them that I tried desperately to keep my end of the bargains. For being what they wanted…. But the payoffs almost always turned out to be superficial, short-term, and disappointing (p. 86).”

“The fundamental goal of your life must be to live every moment at the center of your control booth. If you forfeit this right, you will never experience joy and contentment (p. 89).”

“Evicting someone from your control booth usually incites turmoil and upheaval. Don’t give in to threats and resistance. If you stand firm and recapture your control booth, you’ll be well on your way toward authenticity and contentment (p. 92).”

“For years, they chase all the things they were told would bring contentment—education, awards, success in their career, the accumulation of possessions. But they slowly come to realize that all those things have not brought lasting satisfaction (p. 98).”

“They needed to experience unconditional positive regard—the assurance that their worth as persons is permanent and will never be taken away (p. 101).”

“Receiving unqualified positive regard is the best way to develop inner security and a solid self-worth (p. 103).”

“When we place our faith in God, our value and worth is established for all time. His love for us is total (p. 104).”

“As happens so often when people experience unconditional self-regard and move toward authenticity, she became confident, energized, and engaging (p. 110).”

“The struggle to become whole again, to become centered, to be reborn, is always ferociously fought (p. 112).”

“If contentment hinges on being true to yourself, and if being true to yourself hinges on making wise choices moment to moment, then making wise choices hinges on your ability to clarify your values and allow them to exert substantive influence on your choosing (p. 113).”

“When people are secure enough that they don’t have to seek every little advantage for themselves, they are able to engage with others in relationships that create deep emotional trust (p 121).”

“People are precious! Treat them with kindness (p. 123).”

“I find nothing more attractive in others than generosity (p. 125).

“Values are crucial in the management of your data, in deciding how to be true to all the feelings, thoughts, and convictions you collect about any decision (p. 126).”

“Because our society so heavily emphasizes externals—what we can see, touch, and taste—there is not much discussion in the media, at social gatherings, or even around family dinner tables about what it means to be internally authentic and genuine. Likewise, there is little dialogue about how to achieve a deep level of life satisfaction (p. 131).”

“Authentic people live in the present (p. 132).”

“Primarily anxiety and guilt keep us from focusing on the present (p. 133).”

“Authentic people don’t worry about being inconsistent or duplicitous, having to act one way around some people and another way around others. There is no pressure to maintain or image to keep polished. There is no apprehension about how you respond to other people—or how they respond to you (p. 134).”

“Authentic people are not judgmental…. People who have nonjudgmental attitudes are almost always authentic…. They are in touch with the deepest and best of their internal world. That’s why they can be so generous in their attributions of worth to others (p. 135).”

“Developing a healthy self-concept and appreciating yourself are sings that you’ve done a lot of inner work (p. 137).”

“Authentic people hunger for the truth (p. 137).”

“Authentic people are adaptable and flexible. People who have learned to be authentic are not annoyed and upset by every little change that comes along (p. 138).”

“‘Gratitude is at the very heart of contentment (p. 139).’”

“Gratitude means appreciating what you have, not yearning for what you don’t have (p. 140).”

“A buoyant and jovial spirit is a byproduct of authenticity (p. 141).”

“Authentic people treat everyone—themselves included—with the utmost respect (p. 143).”

“Authentic people sleep well (p. 143).”

“‘If you actually wanted to be the person who you really are, would you know how to go about doing it (p. 149)?’”

“These decisions require an enormous amount of conscious focus. You have to hold this focus until you have made whatever choice is required of you. This requires strong mental discipline (p. 151).”

“Authenticity has to do with whether our actions result from your choosing, oppose your choosing, or have nothing at all to do with your choosing. If you woke up on that particular Saturday thinking that you just wanted to relax and enjoy a day of total freedom, then the way you spent your day may have been completely authentic (p. 151).”

“Authentic people take all their data into consideration. They treat other people’s thoughts and wishes seriously and thoughtfully, because they know that what others need and what is important to their making a good decision (p. 153).”

“I deeply believe that every individual, or group of individuals, deserves the opportunity to make decisions on the basis of all their data. When people criticize the ability of others to do this in a competent and unselfish manner, I am immediately suspicious (p. 154).”

“The unexamined life seldom leads to authenticity (p. 155).”

“Contented people are anything but lazy. On the whole, I believe they are more productive and prolific because they make wise choices that keep them on track and moving forward. Inauthentic people often fritter away time and energy managing all the emotional clutter in their lives and doing things to please others. For contented people, the absence of a frantic pace and pressurized schedule enables them to concentrate on tasks and goals that are truly important (p. 160).”

“I have watched many people shrink from the pursuit of authenticity because they were afraid of the person they might discover themselves to be (p. 164).”

“I notice authenticity more frequently in children (p. 166).”

“When our inner state depends on outer circumstances, we’re a long way from the deep-down, enduring contentment that can grace our lives even during the hectic and demanding days (p. 169).”

“We don’t have control over most variables, and that’s a big reason why it makes no sense to make our contentment contingent on them (p. 171).”

“Literally everyone yearns to be loved, but most people are not aware that becoming masterful at loving others is central to a life of enduring contentment (p. 177).”

“When you become masterful at loving other people, you automatically become more and more positive in your outlook. You embrace everybody’s strengths and shrug off their defects. Your smile gets wider, your ears become more attuned, and you become more curious about what is happening within the heart and soul of others. You simply become intent on loving them, and suddenly, you find your life overflowing with contentment (p. 178).”

Typically, I don't like self-help books. To me, they are like snake-oil salesmen who promise to cure what ails you...at a low low cost of the book price. In this book, I appreciate the clarified difference of happiness and contentment. Please read widely.

Very interesting book...thought provoking...I feel like I need to read it through again. Although it was a good book, it was too easy to be distracted and put it aside.

It was a lot of little stories and scenarios. Very relatable.