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HAWTHORNE: Look at this old house. *whispers conspiratorially* It’s very scary.
ME: Ooh, why?
HAWTHORNE: What?
ME: Why is it scary?
HAWTHORNE, confused: Well, it’s -- I mean, it’s old, see?
ME: Yes, but why is it scary?
HAWTHORNE: It’s cursed!
ME: How?
HAWTHORNE, getting impatient: It just is, okay? There was this patriarch of this clan, see, and he got the deed for this land dishonestly, see, and now all his descendants are cursed, see.
ME: Cool, but how are they cursed?
HAWTHORNE, visibly upset: They can never feel joy!
ME: But -- but isn’t that because they literally never step outside?
HAWTHORNE, frantically: The windows admit no light!
ME: Yeah, but isn’t that because the shutters are always closed?
HAWTHORNE: THE HOUSE IS SO THREATENING OH THE HORROR
ME: But couldn’t they just --
HAWTHORNE: \\n IT’S! DUSTY!\\n
ME: But --
HAWTHORNE: *pterodactyl screeching*
ME: Okay, okay, calm down. Show me the rest.
HAWTHORNE, settling: Thank you. This is Hepzibah. She has a turban and an unfortunate face.
ME, blinking: Wow, that’s --
HEPZIBAH: Woe to me! *gives a kid too much gingerbread*
HAWTHORNE: This is Phoebe. She’s wholesome.
PHOEBE, smiling brightly: Hi!
HAWTHORNE, as an afterthought: She’s also virginal.
ME: Wait, what? How does that --
HAWTHORNE: She’s wholesome because she’s virginal. Try to keep up.
ME: I don’t think --
HAWTHORNE: Hush. This is Clifford. He’s old and sensitive and delightful and quite possibly a serial killer.
ME: What?!
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HAWTHORNE: Life should only ever be gentle and kind to him! His way should be easy and perfumed with roses! Pity him, dear reader!
ME: Why on earth --
HAWTHORNE: Women aren’t as beautiful as he needs them to be. Plus a monkey looked at him once and it was a really ugly monkey and that was just really traumatizing for him.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: Also he kinda-sorta ogles his teenaged caregiver.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: But, like, in a chaste way.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: Little girls find him attractive.
ME, in a dangerously low voice: They do not.
HAWTHORNE, hurriedly: Anyway this is Holgrave. He’s pretty useless but he thinks he’s a thinker.
A PICTURE, randomly: THEY SAY I DID SOMETHING BAD!!!
ME, disoriented: Um, hello . . . ?
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HEPZIBAH: *cries in the background*
HOLGRAVE: Did you know that men can control women through hypnosis because women are virgins and have weaker spirits than men do?
ME:
ME:
ME to myself: Somebody's gonna end this man’s whole career.
HAWTHORNE, loudly: And here’s Judge Pyncheon. He’s a really upstanding old man except that he might be Satan. *shrugs* Idk. That’s none of my business.
PHOEBE: I’m gonna go visit my real family. Peace.
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HEPZIBAH: *sniffles*
PYNCHEON: I scowl. *scowls*
CLIFFORD: Hepzibah! Let’s go on a train ride!
HEPZIBAH: Wait, why?
CLIFFORD: No reason! Absolutely no reason at all! Also maybe peek in the parlor on your way out.
PHOEBE: I’m back!
HOLGRAVE: In moments of emergency, I try to remain calm and follow my first instinct, which is to draw a picture. Anyway here’s a dead body and I love you.
HAWTHORNE: It’s true love, don’t question it, the old geezer had it coming, they all move to his house in the country to more effectively spit on his memory and dance on his grave, aaAAAND SCENE! *takes a bow*
ME, screaming: HAWTHORNE WTF
The old house stands there, a mysterious and foreboding presence. Hawthorne leads the way, excitedly sharing the tales and secrets of its inhabitants. The cursed descendants, with their various quirks and flaws, make for a strange and captivating group. Clifford, the old and sensitive man, is both endearing and a bit creepy with his possible ogling of the teenaged caregiver. Holgrave, the self-proclaimed thinker, spouts some rather outdated and offensive ideas about women. And Judge Pyncheon, with his scowling and possible connection to Satan, adds an air of mystery and danger. As the story unfolds, it becomes a wild and chaotic ride, filled with unexpected twists and turns. By the end, the reader is left both entertained and a bit bewildered, wondering what on earth just happened.
ME: Ooh, why?
HAWTHORNE: What?
ME: Why is it scary?
HAWTHORNE, confused: Well, it’s -- I mean, it’s old, see?
ME: Yes, but why is it scary?
HAWTHORNE: It’s cursed!
ME: How?
HAWTHORNE, getting impatient: It just is, okay? There was this patriarch of this clan, see, and he got the deed for this land dishonestly, see, and now all his descendants are cursed, see.
ME: Cool, but how are they cursed?
HAWTHORNE, visibly upset: They can never feel joy!
ME: But -- but isn’t that because they literally never step outside?
HAWTHORNE, frantically: The windows admit no light!
ME: Yeah, but isn’t that because the shutters are always closed?
HAWTHORNE: THE HOUSE IS SO THREATENING OH THE HORROR
ME: But couldn’t they just --
HAWTHORNE: \\n IT’S! DUSTY!\\n
ME: But --
HAWTHORNE: *pterodactyl screeching*
ME: Okay, okay, calm down. Show me the rest.
HAWTHORNE, settling: Thank you. This is Hepzibah. She has a turban and an unfortunate face.
ME, blinking: Wow, that’s --
HEPZIBAH: Woe to me! *gives a kid too much gingerbread*
HAWTHORNE: This is Phoebe. She’s wholesome.
PHOEBE, smiling brightly: Hi!
HAWTHORNE, as an afterthought: She’s also virginal.
ME: Wait, what? How does that --
HAWTHORNE: She’s wholesome because she’s virginal. Try to keep up.
ME: I don’t think --
HAWTHORNE: Hush. This is Clifford. He’s old and sensitive and delightful and quite possibly a serial killer.
ME: What?!
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HAWTHORNE: Life should only ever be gentle and kind to him! His way should be easy and perfumed with roses! Pity him, dear reader!
ME: Why on earth --
HAWTHORNE: Women aren’t as beautiful as he needs them to be. Plus a monkey looked at him once and it was a really ugly monkey and that was just really traumatizing for him.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: Also he kinda-sorta ogles his teenaged caregiver.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: But, like, in a chaste way.
ME:
HAWTHORNE: Little girls find him attractive.
ME, in a dangerously low voice: They do not.
HAWTHORNE, hurriedly: Anyway this is Holgrave. He’s pretty useless but he thinks he’s a thinker.
A PICTURE, randomly: THEY SAY I DID SOMETHING BAD!!!
ME, disoriented: Um, hello . . . ?
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HEPZIBAH: *cries in the background*
HOLGRAVE: Did you know that men can control women through hypnosis because women are virgins and have weaker spirits than men do?
ME:
ME:
ME to myself: Somebody's gonna end this man’s whole career.
HAWTHORNE, loudly: And here’s Judge Pyncheon. He’s a really upstanding old man except that he might be Satan. *shrugs* Idk. That’s none of my business.
PHOEBE: I’m gonna go visit my real family. Peace.
CLIFFORD: *whines indistinctly*
HEPZIBAH: *sniffles*
PYNCHEON: I scowl. *scowls*
CLIFFORD: Hepzibah! Let’s go on a train ride!
HEPZIBAH: Wait, why?
CLIFFORD: No reason! Absolutely no reason at all! Also maybe peek in the parlor on your way out.
PHOEBE: I’m back!
HOLGRAVE: In moments of emergency, I try to remain calm and follow my first instinct, which is to draw a picture. Anyway here’s a dead body and I love you.
HAWTHORNE: It’s true love, don’t question it, the old geezer had it coming, they all move to his house in the country to more effectively spit on his memory and dance on his grave, aaAAAND SCENE! *takes a bow*
ME, screaming: HAWTHORNE WTF
The old house stands there, a mysterious and foreboding presence. Hawthorne leads the way, excitedly sharing the tales and secrets of its inhabitants. The cursed descendants, with their various quirks and flaws, make for a strange and captivating group. Clifford, the old and sensitive man, is both endearing and a bit creepy with his possible ogling of the teenaged caregiver. Holgrave, the self-proclaimed thinker, spouts some rather outdated and offensive ideas about women. And Judge Pyncheon, with his scowling and possible connection to Satan, adds an air of mystery and danger. As the story unfolds, it becomes a wild and chaotic ride, filled with unexpected twists and turns. By the end, the reader is left both entertained and a bit bewildered, wondering what on earth just happened.